Essay grading.

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Also I just realized my title does not make sense to the content inside. I'm so sorry. </p>

<p>Reread it. I felt I did pretty bad considering how I repeated the same word over and over and also I have a couple of sentences that are just really awkward.</p>

<p>Regardless, here it is!</p>

<p>Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are?</p>

<p>Ease does not challenge us and therefore we need adversity to help us discover who we are. HIstory abounds us of examples of people using their abilities in revolutionary causes. Fictional films trench us this same belief that adversity discovers self worth. Several people who show this belief can be found through historical and fictional worlds.</p>

<p>To start off, in the novel 1984, Winston Smith, main protagonist, lives in an oppressive despotic rule by a leader known as "Big Brother". Throughout his depressing life, he finally decides to rise up against the unjust government and do something unheard of: insult Big Brother. Readers learn the when one say such crazy, negative stuff about Big Brother, one will instantly "disappear" or "brainwashed". Although Mr. Smith continued to live his life in such oppressive conditions, he did realize something he might not have known if he lived in an easy-going, laid-back society: his rebellious nature. Winston learned that he was powerful and revolutionary enough to stand up what's right and justified. Thus, ease in government would not have led Winston Smith to realize his personal capabilities. </p>

<p>Another example can be found during the Civil Rights Era, a man who is named Martin Luther King Jr [Omg, rereading, this sentence is just mad awkward]. King and the rest of his colored people were deeply segregated in a "free-country" America. He strongly disliked this treatment and constantly tried to revolt against the government.After such harsh treatments and adversity, he marched to Washington DC to deliver his most famous speech, I have a Dream. It is quite obvious that if segregation, Civil RIghts problems, and racism were not prevalent, famous leaders like Martin Luther King would have never needed to rise up. Ease in obtaining freedom would deem unnecessary for such opposition. Again, without adversity, Martin Luther King would have never been known to the public for his bold speeches and he, himself, would never know how eloquent he is. </p>

<p>As demonstrated in the film, Artificial Intelligence directed by Steven Spielberg, David would have never realized his self-worth if he was never abandoned by his mother. David is a robot, a highly developed computer that can elicit sympathy and empathy. When he was "ditched" by his mom after problems that arose between him and another kid, he was left alone in the forest. There he learned the reality of the world, how he is supposed to be treated, and his ultimate goal in life. If he was never abandoned, would he ever learn about reality from the fantastic he life he had been living before?</p>

<p>After a close analysis of David, Martin Luther King Jr, and WInston Smith, it is obvious that we need adversity to discover ourselves even more. Ease does not challenge us, so we would never even need to think "outside the box". Hardship can often lead us to examine who we are and to question what is important in life.</p>

2

<p>Not sure where you’re from, but in the U.S., referring to blacks as “colored people” hasn’t been considered acceptable in a long, long time.</p>

3

<p>I know, but I didn’t want to say “blacks” or “african american” because I wanted to incorporate all nationalities, and writing/listing all of them out is really just a pain.</p>

<p>Beside, what’s your critique/grade? Also what would be a better, more appropriate alternative?</p>

4

<p>@jgoggs</p>

<p>Unless you’re referring to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Really though, there’s actually nothing offensive about it, people just don’t generally say it anymore.</p>

<p>I would take more of an issue with calling the other segregated individuals “[King’s] colored people.”</p>

<p>Again, kimmylouie, I don’t think I’m qualified to give a score, but those grammatical errors are really going to hurt you. Another problem that I see with this essay is that your arguments are not fully developed. Look at your very first sentence.</p>

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<p>It does not follow from “Ease does not challenge us” that “we need adversity.” You are simply not developing the stepping stone ideas that link these two larger ideas. I agree with you that struggle develops character, allows for personal growth, and is the means by which all improvements are made, and I want to buy this, but if I’m a grader, I can’t buy these ideas until you support them. </p>

<p>Your examples are great, but they need to be linked to specific ideas in your thesis that lead the reader to the conclusion you are offering. It is not enough to tell me that MLK Jr. had to overcome challenges, everything needs to link back in direct support of another idea, so that you’re not just hinting at something you implied was the case in the introduction.</p>

<p>Those are the biggest points I see that need addressing.</p>

5

<p>Thanks! I’ll try to improve on that! :)</p>

6

<p>Again, I agree on some points with energia. Your examples have to be more associated with your topic… And your introduction "Ease does not challenge us and therefore we need adversity to help us discover who we are. " bluntly repeats the prompt… you should put your style in it more… restate… </p>

<p>Over in all, your essay needs to “Flow” more easily ya know… It was obvious you were trying so hard to fit what you already know into this prompt… which is again what we all do don’t we XP… but try to make it a lil more discrete… </p>

<p>Hope that helps… and like I told ya… am not exactly a prof at this (not by far :P)
I’d give it maybe a 7 max (outa 12) … too harsh right? XP</p>

7

<p>thanks!!</p>

<p>And it’s okay. Better start writing some more T_T</p>

8

<p>^ hahahaha… we all should… I so wanna get that 12… didn’t go beyond 10 :/…
maybe if i decide o take SAT again anytime soon… i’ll show you some of what i’ve got (or more like “don’t have”… lol)</p>

9

<p>Hi, Sorry I’m new here so I don’t really know how these posts work, but I need someone to grade my essay?
This was actually my third go at the SAT essay. (i’ve never had anyone grade my SAT essays before, so give as much feed back as you can please!)
Here’s the prompt</p>

<p>Are bad choices and good choices equally likely to have negative consequences?</p>

<p>Good choices are less likely to have negative consequences. Because good choices are made only when one takes time to look at things from a different perspective, one would see the possible consequences from the choices and be better prepared for them. This can be seen throughout American history, from the good choices made by Henry Clay and Thomas Jefferson and the bad choice made by Woodrow Wilson.
When the Articles of Conderation seemed to be failing, the new leaders could not decide on the balance of state representatives in creating a new government. Men from the smaller states wanted representatives by state, while men from states with more population wanted representatives by poulation. Luckily, Henry Clay thought of having two houses, each state would select representatives based on population for the house of representatives, benefiting those with more population, and each would also select two to be in the electoral house, benefitting those with less population. Because Henry Clay had stepped back and looked at things objectively, he was able to make a good decision. Furthermore, because Clay made a good decision, both bigger states and smaller states were satisfied.
Good decisions were made later on in America’s newly established government by Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson was a well known representative of of a strict interpretation of the constitution. When he disputed with Hamilton over the establishment of a central bank, he stood strongly for the strict interpretation of the constitution–which did not grant governments the right to establish a central bank. However, when Napolean offered Louisianna for a cheap price, Jefferson made a prudent decision to abandon his earlier stance. Although the constitution did not grant him the right to purchase territory, he saw that an expansion of territory would better his nation. Because Jefferson made the prudent decision to abandon his earlier views, the Americans thrived in expansion.
On the other hand, President Woodrow Wilson did not make a good choice and so the Americans jad to suffer the dire consequences. When the World War I broke out, Wilson came up with fourteen points, one of which established the League of Nations. However, when war ended, the Senate refused to ratify the League of Nations because it did not want congress to give up the right to declare war for the expense of other nations’ wars. Wilson could have abandon clause ten of the this point and still convince congress to join the League of Nations. However, wilson decided that he wanted all or nothing and so the US fell into the state of isolutionism–eventually causing WWII.
Throughout American history, we have seen the results of good and bad choices. When leaders recognize the consequences of their choices, they more often make better choices and America would prosper. However, when leaders fail to make good decisions, America suffer dire consequences.</p>