<p>hello this is an essay I wrote in CMH Waiting Area while waiting I want to know what you all people think it is for the common application.</p>
<p>I don't accept chaos. I find solitude in order, I don't consider the bombastic to be trustable, I find those who rely on imagination more than necessary to be weak of personalilty, to themselves be a creation of their own mind, a facade they wear to hide away from the world. To hide away from the pain, to placate it with the nonsensical and devise it as futile, building it as a emotion not reliable, one they're imagination cannot be focused on, because they spend too much time diverting focus to the whispers of their heart. A heart that beats to the fleeting moments of time, that they try so hard to capture.</p>
<p>I despise the calm. I find it to be baseless. A structure built in the sky of realists. Realists that fail to grasp the ground, yet proclaim to be standing so firmly upon it. They promise that they see all with a true eye. A vision that relies on balance of life. A life that centuries of realists has imposed on one another. A life that comes of a balance. A balance of the practical to the impossible. A balance that sadly for them is misaligned. A balance they consider even, yet is as close to opposite as they are to those who imagine. They rely on the brain, the compact brain that compacts them.</p>
<p>This world however relies on a true balance. One a ratio of equality of these two. I, however don't consider one to exist. I ,who am chaos, with healing scars, and red eyes from moments of reality. I, who am calm, due to the complete disorder of my thoughts, who believes in the moment to supply a never ending sedation of happiness. I, whose heart beats to structure. I, whose mind is stigmatized by activity. I, who, am human.</p>
<p>I read it. And then I read it again. And again.</p>
<p>My point is I had to go through it a handful of times to actually understand what you wrote. Look, im already gonna say sorry if im coming off a bit harsh but I want to give you an honest opinion since its your college essay and all. Your english skills are probably good enough but your not conveying your message properly. AT ALL. What u need to understand is that the essays that are part of the common application aren’t there for you to give proof of ur english skills or impress the adcoms with english - thats what ur SAT scores are there for. The essays serve to show something about u as a person. Even after I understood this essay, i was left wondering what ur message really was. I think you should edit it in DETAIL. I’d suggest to add some personal or real life incident to it to convey ur message properly :)</p>
<p>Best of luck!</p>
<p>Yeah, preachy and bombastic. Not a good essay. Sorry mate.</p>
<p>Well that is just your opinion which is just the thoughts of two people and might not reflect, necessarily, the mindset of an admissions committee at the places like Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Brown, Dartmouth, Cornell, Stanford, Duke, UPenn where I am applying to.</p>
<p>It suggests that you are not always interested in doing things in a practical and efficent way. You are using a lot of words to communicate a very simple idea about the need for balance. Hopefully you are planning on majoring in philosophy, art, poetry or literature. Just make sure your transcript and extracurriculars point to these areas of interest. Otherwise, have a national title for creative writing/ poetry etc as well as 800 in CR & W with a 12 on the essay, and you should be okay, in my opinion.</p>
<p>Umarkayani, don’t get defensive when people give you advice if you have requested it.</p>
<p>As far as specific critiques go, the only part that was really odd to me was the “I, who, am human” ending. You spent this whole essay talking about people who are too unstructured or too accepting; then you write a paragraph describing how you are the balance. Saying you’re “human” suddenly implies that this balance isn’t unique to you, but is an aspect of your humanity, which all people have.</p>
<p>More generally:
It’s pretty to read, but doesn’t say much. What I took from it was:</p>
<p>I don’t like chaotic, imaginative people. They lack substance. They try to make every moment count as they grasp at every thought.</p>
<p>I don’t like realists. They try to hard to be structured and mindlessly follow the ideas set forth by previous persons, failing to realize the baseless assumptions of their world.</p>
<p>I am a balance between these two mindsets, the balance the ‘real world’ requires. I am human.</p>
<hr>
<p>The only thing this essay showed me about you is that you have a beautiful command of English and figurative writing. You assert many things, but you have not shown the reader how you balance your life, or how is has/shall benefit you. You claim all these bad things about those ‘other’ people, but provide no real life experiences. You sound like a person who sat and thought for awhile, then decided “it’s valuable to be both creative and practical!” Not exactly a groundbreaking idea. I have not learned much about you from reading this, other than that you consider yourself enlightened.</p>
<p>I would enter this in a writing competition, not as a college essay.</p>