Grade my essay for me?

<p>Hello! Thank you reading my essay. I need that good essay so it doesn't drop my score on the SAT. The other parts are fine, just this essay i'm still struggling with a little bit. I have posted previous essay and all your comments helped me so much so please keep giving me your harsh criticisms - the harsher the better! :]</p>

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<p>Quote:
Each fresh crisis we encounter is an opportunity in disguise.</p>

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<p>Assignment:
What are your thoughts on the statement above? Compose an essay in which you express your views on this topic. Your essay may support, refute, or qualify the view expressed in the statement. What you write, however, must be relevant to the topic under discussion. Additionally, you must support your viewpoint, indicating your reasoning and providing examples based on your studies and/or experience.</p>

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<p>Essay:
Crises are always around us. Some people may view them as pity nuisances, while others take them seriously. While a crisis will pose as a threat or challenge to people, they can give us valuable side-effects that only a person in a crisis can understand and receive, as described and seen in many literature and crises in history.</p>

<p>During a crisis, we are usually much disoriented – physically and mentally. It is not the normal events that we experience every day. This abnormality changes how we act and react toward things. We may transform into a different person altogether – a better person. In the book “One Hundred Years of Solitude,” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Colonel Aureliano Buendia went into a crisis – war. When he left for war, he barely said goodbye to his family and left searching for his own happiness in fighting. He was so absorbed by the adrenaline of fighting for the vague cause that he did not even care about that he lost himself. But amidst fighting, he realized his selfishness has caused unnecessary pain for the public, especially his family. The war jolted his mental state to put him in his right mind. It gave him an opportunity for redemption when he finally realized that he had no reason to be fighting this war.</p>

<p>When people think of the word “crisis,” the preliminary thought is “death” and “injuries.” Some people think of the “rescue team” and the “helpers.” Most adults have dreamt of becoming someone’s hero when they grow up, fight off evil dragons and saving the princess. A crisis gives the chance for people to shine. A firefighter exemplifies this point. They fight fires with their lives on the line. But while suppressing the fire, they are saving many people in the process, giving them a chance to become the hero they dreamt of becoming when they were a still little.</p>

<p>Finally, a crisis can become an opportunity to unite the people. When hurricane Katrina hit Southern United States, the destruction took away everything from the people, even families. The tragedy hit a soft spot in people’s hearts; hands all over the world joined to support the suffering families. The overall benevolence was overwhelming as get well cards from anonymous well-wishers and bags of food from crisis-relief teams across the globe rush into the area. The suffering families that slept as neighbors in the large dome gym will share their laughs and cries together. The rescue teams delivered supplies to the stranded families will go on to become lifetime friends. All over the country, churches like mine gather and pray for the wellbeing of the families. Even though simultaneous crises may have taken place all over the world, this crisis has joined the heart of people all over the world.</p>

<p>Crises are malevolent. Some crisis can leave devastating results. A war and a hurricane, like Katrina, can cleanse an area hundred miles wide of life and leave a trail of destruction. But all bad things have two sides. If anyone can look hard enough and does not yield to hope, he/she can take advantage of the situation and make the best of it.</p>

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<p>Thank you!</p>

<p>Strong opening paragraph, although personally I would split the last sentence into two. Watch out for word choice - “petty”, not “pity”. </p>

<p>Your first example is really good, although “he did not even care about that he lost himself” should be a expanded: by itself the meaning is kinda hazy. Also, I strongly recommend taking out the first couple sentences and sticking them either into the intro or the conclusion, the body paragraphs should be reserved solely for examples other then possibly one topic sentence.</p>

<p>The same problem occurs in the second paragraph, although in a much larger magnitude. NO HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLES! You might as well be saying “Hi, crises help humans because I said so.” Just scratch that entire paragraph out of there, and use the time to expand on your other examples.</p>

<p>Very strong third example, really supports your stance.</p>

<p>Your conclusion needs to be tweaked slightly. You should be supporting your stance and expressing how it has been proved in your examples that crises are often beneficial to the community. Try reading this guide: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html&lt;/a&gt;. It has excellent guidelines that have really helped me finish up my intro and conclusions nicely. </p>

<p>Overall I would probably give you a 10, your essay is very good, and the length is always a nice thing to have on your side.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>P.S. This prompt is BS…real SAT writers NEVER give you a prompt saying “what are your thoughts on the above”. If you are using a thrid-party book for examples, try randomly selecting a prompt from this thread (all real, previously used examples): <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/764514-sat-essay-prompt-archetypes.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/764514-sat-essay-prompt-archetypes.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>An 8. Here are some of the points I came across:
1- You had a number of grammatical mistakes interspersed throughout the essay. Make sure you use your tenses correctly. Whenever you finish writing a sentence, always reread it to make sure it makes sense. It takes only 5 seconds anyway.</p>

<p>2- Your first and second examples were irrelevant, unconvincing and not pertaining to the prompt. Do not take this as an insult, I am giving you my opinion, free from all bias.</p>

<p>3- Your third example was competent, which was the reason behind my inclination to grade your essay a solid 8 rather than a 5 or 6 which was what I was aiming for as I was halfway through the essay.</p>

<p>4- Don’t take this the wrong way now, however, it is quite evident that you’re constructing incomprehensible and inconsistent sentences just for the sake of using higher level vocabulary. EX: What does this sentence mean, and how does it contribute to the consistency of paragraph three? “Even though simultaneous crises may have taken place all over the world, this crisis has joined the hearts of people all over the world.” How does the first clause relate to the second?</p>

<p>Good luck. :)</p>