Hey everyone,
I planning to transfer to several colleges and I would really appreciate it if you could could review my essay and give feedback.
COMMON APPLICATION ESSAY
It was noon time, I headed to the cafeteria to gather with my friends and talk about our day. A classmate came by and sat next to me. While we ate, I talked to her. She didn’t talk much. She seemed distant. I tried telling her interesting tidbits and funny jokes but she didn’t respond. After a long pause, I finally mustered the courage to ask her what was wrong. She replied that the guy she liked didn’t like her back. She added that he was the only guy who understood her and shared similar interest with. I didn’t know what to say. But, I felt a deep yearning to understand what she was experiencing and most importantly help her through it.
I still feel this yearning and it is what has fueled my passion for studying Psychology.
This affinity led me, in my senior year of high school, to take an introductory psychology course at the Y college. I enjoyed learning cognitive, developmental, and mental disorders in small doses. It gave me a chance to sample each before going into one with depth. The course also made me aware of the problems we face today (For instance child abuse in impoverished neighborhoods) and how they can be solved using psychological methods. Once I left the course, I was eager to learn more not only about depression, but the whole realm of psychology.
After graduating from high school, I soon enrolled in X college for their diverse Psychology department and their affordable tuition rates. During my time there, I was please to learn from wise and experienced professors and have the chance to participate in a research program and conduct psychological research in the X college Sleep/Environmental Psychology lab.
In addition, they offered psychology covering the topics that I learned with more depth. But, their focus was more on the business aspect. In contrast, my goal is to contribute my knowledge to the growing study of psychology and to help those with mental and emotional concerns.
I can best achieve this goal by taking advantage of the research opportunities that is offered at your college. In addition, living in the campus will help me attain more time to complete my assignments promptly with less pressure and be a part of the growing school community by participating in clubs. Lastly, I am grateful for the friends and teachers I met in X college and the experiences I had. But, I am ready to embrace new challenges and push myself to the limit.
Through the great courses and research opportunities that your college offers, I will have a solid base for future studies in graduate school.
MOUNT HOLYOKE
Please respond to one of the three prompts below. Your essay should be between 250-400 words.
- Tell us why you are interested in attending Mount Holyoke College.
- What is the best mistake you have ever made and why?
- Tell us about an idea, initiative or event that resulted in meaningful change in your life and the lives of others. How did this change come about and what lessons did you learn from the process?
3. I was on my way to my class outside in the trailers, when there was a horrible smell coming from the stairs leading to the trailers. I looked up and saw the students smoking. I held my breath and kept walking on. This has been happening for a while and I did not want this to continue further. So, I told my teachers and asked if they can stop the kids from smoking outside. They assured me that they will handle the issue. I waited a few days. But, nothing happened. So I approached the head of the security guards and other staff members with the same request. They told me that there was not enough staff members and security guards to monitor the students and stop them from smoking. After hearing this, I decided to do something about the issue. With the help of my two best friends and a supportive staff member I created the Youth Smoking Awareness Council. A club that helps students quit smoking and bring them an awareness of the negative effects of smoking. It was hard for the students to accept the facts and the efforts took a while to produce results. But through assemblies, blue ribbon event and our individual partnership. In our assemblies I discussed my goals and the beginning of the club. I invited Senator Diane Savino to talk about her experience with smoking and how she became. I also invited James Pistilli of the cancer association to speak more about the negative effects of smoking. My biggest take away from my experience is to make the mission interactive instead of a dialogue between a person who understands the consequences of smoking to the teenagers who don't want to know the truth. It would have helped the students understand the consequences and the impact it will have in their life. I dabbled into this method though with the Blue ribbon event. In this event, me and the group members handed out blue ribbon, representative of smoking awareness, in response to a signature on our petition. This petition later served to add a policy that no one was to smoke 100 feet from the school.
SMITH COLLEGE
If your progression through college has been interrupted, please use the space below to explain the nature of your leave and your activities during your time away from school.
What specific aspects of Smith College will better meet your academic goals? (150 word limit)
My academic goal is to gain admissions in a prestigious graduate school and gain a PhD in Psychology. Smith College provides students paid research opportunities as a research assistant and a summer research fellow. In addition, the students can be part of Psi Chi, the psychology honors society, that help with guidance in graduate studies through mentorship opportunities. In addition, I can become a student liaison and a proctor which will help in my personal development and with the G.R.E. test. To help me gain a more in depth understanding of my interest through the senior year study elsewhere and the five college partnership. Lastly, I can complete an honors thesis and participate in the honors project course and the smith scholars program. The rigor of the academic program provides for beneficial preparation for graduate school.
I will appreciate it if you can post your feedback within the next few days as to adhere to the transfer deadline.Thanks everyone. 