Essay Review Request

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I have been avoiding the essay portion of the SAT for a while, but I have finally convinced myself to dive in and try a prompt. I would appreciate if you could score the essay. Thanks in advance for any advice and criticism.</p>

<p>This is the essay from test four in the blue book<br>
PROMPT: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<pre><code> Technological innovations that make life easier are essential to the betterment of humanity due to the immense quality of life improvements brought about by them. Several examples in history demonstrate advances in technology that have made life both more convenient and more fruitful.
During the Industrial Revolution in Great Britain, George Stephenson improved upon the existing steam engine to develop the first railroad. The railroad allowed people to move rapidly from one city to another. In addition, the railroad allowed vast volumes of freight to be transported between cities improving commerce within Great Britain. The railroad made it convenient for the populace to take affordable intercity jaunts and saved the lives of impoverished communities. During a famine, fresh supplies could be shipped from areas with more prosperous harvests, saving the lives of entire communities.

Soon after, Jacob Perkins developed and patented the first modern refrigeration system. Refrigeration allows everything from air conditioning to the preservation of produce. Air conditioning is both a convenience and a boon to civilization. It allows people to live comfortably and also allows for climate control which is critical in scientific research. Refrigeration allows consumers access to foods normally out of season and do not have to be locally grown, allowing a more varied and nutritional diet.

Building off of the ARPANET which was designed for the preservation of governmental power in the event of a nuclear attack during the cold war, CERN developed the World Wide Web which it the backbone of the internet of today. The internet allows users worldwide to communicate simultaneously. The internet for many is a place to play games and read the news but in developing countries , the internet is used a virtual school in areas where teachers are scarce. It has allowed instantaneous distribution of global news which allowed protesters in the Arab Spring to successfully fight government oppression.

After thorough consideration of the invention of the railroad, refrigeration and the internet, it is evident that innovation helps improve the quality of life of humans worldwide while also providing convenient ways to make everyday life easier.
</code></pre>

2

<p>I don’t really presume to be an expert on this, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
I think to improve this, you could do a couple of things.</p>

<p>A) Have better closing sentences at the end of each paragraph. For example, in your first example you could sum things up by saying “The massive improvements in people’s lives as a result of the steam engine illustrate how our lives are made better by innovation” or something to that effect. Just to sum up everything.
B) Transition. Your last example comes out of no where. I’d recommend transitioning from example to example to make things smoother.</p>

<p>Also, minor correction.</p>

<p>The internet allows users worldwide to communicate simultaneously.The internet for many is a place to play games and read the news but in developing countries , the internet is used a virtual school in areas where teachers are scarce. It has allowed instantaneous distribution of global news which allowed protesters in the Arab Spring to successfully fight government oppression.</p>

<p>You use Internet at the beginning of sentences three times in a row. It reads slightly awkwardly.
Also in your last paragraph, you could use a little more analysis on how improving the quality of life and making our lives easier make them better. Directly address the prompt.</p>

<p>Hope I helped!</p>