<p>I don't want to post my essay online, but I need some advice!</p>
<p>I am going to be talking about my experience working at a summer camp and how it change me.</p>
<p>I have two versions of my essay and I don't know which is better...</p>
<p>In the first, I give two little stories about two different campers, and how each of them taught me something that I had previously struggled with.</p>
<p>In the second, I tell a little story about me being bullied, then one story about a camper and how he taught me something.</p>
<p>Which is better? Putting a little more personal info in? Or putting another story about my actual experience at the camp?</p>
<p>My first instinct is that the more personal (bullying) one would be better. But since I would only talk about one of the campers, I am afraid it will wind up seeming like I'm basing the essay around an inspirational person rather than an inspirational experience (I have to do the experience one)</p>
<p>I’m a senior in HS so don’t take my opinion way too seriously, but this is what I think:</p>
<p>You could write a good essay with both of the topics, it depends on your experience with the campers. If you got an interesting thing to say, doesn’t matter if you talk about 2 or just 1. Just choose what you think feels more important to you.</p>
<p>Second thing, if you choose the bullying one, don’t look like a whiny little kid (no offense). Don’t try to make the reader feel sorry for you, because no one’s gonna say “oh this guy had some rough times, let’s admit him”. That’s just a tip, if you choose that topic, try to focus more on the change and what you learned. Don’t get too focused on the bullying part.</p>
<p>Impossible to offer credible advice based on the little information you have provided. if you want to receive useful advice, you need to be willing to provide more substance with regard to the essays.</p>
<p>JemDkyl: thank you, I didn’t even think of that! I’ll keep that in mind</p>
<p>Tilapia: I know it’s pretty vague but I’m not going to post my essay because I’m a little overly cautious :). Just looking for some tips</p>
<p>Basically, I wrote the two essays. The first one introduces the camp, explaining that my experience there really had a significant impact on my outlook and my attitude. Then, I kind of explain how I struggled with bullying because I was very quiet and rarely spoke up for myself for fear of being judged. Then I go into my experience, and tell a story about a little boy who helped me realize that it was better to open up with others etc. </p>
<p>The second one also introduces the camp and the experience, but really doesn’t talk about my issues with bullying. Rather, it goes right into an experience with a camper who taught me to open up with others and take risks even if I feel fear, and then I speak about another camper who also showed me to open up my heart and let others in, etc. Etc.</p>
<p>I’m just not sure if it would be better to choose the first to show a more personal side of the experience, or if the second, which elaborates more on the experience itself would be better.</p>
<p>whichever one focuses more on YOU and your growth. basically, choose the one that best shows how you’ve conquered your weakness, and make sure you don’t sound like you’re whining or focus too much on the other campers.</p>