expulsion from college

Parent Cafe
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<p>2college is right. That’s why I suggested that you get your son into counseling. He is going to struggle with feelings of embarrassment, letting everyone down, etc. </p>

<p>It’s going to be hard for him to get much support from his friends, because I imagine that many of his friends are away at their own colleges. He’ll need to make new friends. </p>

<p>You’re right to lovingly support him thru this process. </p>

<p>As for college credits. It doesn’t sound like he went to school for very long, so I doubt he has too many credits for a CC.</p>

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<p>I would get a copy of his transcripts from the original college to understand what has been awarded and what he will carry to his next juncture. You’ll need to know how many classes he can take at a community college unless the concept of community college is simply to get his academic legs back. I, too, think that time is needed to figure out all the underying issues rather than to quickly “patch” things back together and clearly for him to figure out what the next step will be. He could take that step by looking into his state public schools to find out what approach they take with students that have been expelled from other schools for other than academic failure as that may give him an idea of what steps he needs to take to re-establish himself as an honorable candidate for admission. I personally don’t know how the various schools outside the elite view academic dishonesty vs. academic grade based probations and expulsions. It seems to be he needs to determine more closely how this issue will be viewed. I’m so sorry as I’m sure this is not how you or your son “envisioned” his academic career would proceed but I have no doubt he is a bright person who will eventually fulfill his academic destiny.</p>

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<p>If going to a community college would be too demoralizing for him (worsening the situation), then perhaps its best to try to find a smaller private school that will accept him due to their need for enrollment.</p>

<p>There are some nice smaller private schools that are hurting for enrollment who might take a chance on your son simply because they’ll need the tuition/enrollment.</p>

<p>I’m only suggesting this because going to a CC may just end up rubbing salt in the wounds.</p>

<p>He could always go to such a school for a couple of years, and then attempt to transfer to a better school.</p>

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<p>BTW…what state are you in? We might be able to suggest some smaller privates that your son could visit and perhaps speak to someone about enrolling.</p>

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<p>OP, you need to take some time, too. I know as a mother that my instant impulse is to want to try to make everything ‘the same’, which sometimes it’s not. You, like all of us, undoubtedly had a vision for your son. Although it seems bleak now, the next path may very well end up a better path for the whole family.</p>

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<p>Ataloss, people have given you solid advice and, hopefully, some support. </p>

<p>I think you deserve kudos for looking at the situation with great objectivity and balance. Yes, your son made poor choices, but many students do. There is a difference between clinging to excuses and simply realizing and understanding that it is quite easy to follow the wrong path. It was unfortunate for your son to believe tha a fraternity would offer what he needed, but he is not the first one to be misled, and won’t be the last one. The huge silver lining is that he WILL get more chances; others did not get as lucky. </p>

<p>In addition to the recommendation of the experienced parents who have suggested taking the necessary time off to rebuild with stronger foundations, I would like to encourage your son (and you) to keep working with the university where the problems were discovered. I believe it will important to explore avenues leading to redemption with that school. Obviously, not much can be expected from them as this time, but I believe that documenting the corrective step, and perhaps solliciting the advice of the people who expelled your son might help in the long run, especially when transcripts and letters of explanation might be needed. </p>

<p>I believe that most educators will be keenly intersested in helping a young person overcoming a youthful mistake, especially when the person has assumed full responsibility.</p>

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<p>I think he needs to spend as much time as necessary getting physically healthy. Most people have a sunnier perspective when they feel physically healthy than when they feel bad.</p>

<p>OP, how are you doing? There was a recent interesting discussion on plagarism on the helicoptor parent thread. My personal opinion is that with so much information available online that can be cut and pasted, it is a lot easier for the current students to plagarize than it was for my generation. I guess back in the day, it was possible to photocopy source material, but it wasn’t in my budget. When I was sitting for hours in the library copying research onto note cards, it was actually easier to rephase things into my own words than hand-copying entire long passages verbatum. </p>

<p>My D is taking a class for which she has to write a formal essay every 6 weeks. When I was reading her last essay, I asked where the bibliography was. She said that the teacher didn’t want one. The essay was on a subject that required research and would not be within the common knowledge of an 11th grader. What is it saying to the class that the teacher doesn’t want them to cite their source materials?</p>

<p>I’m saying all of this to tell you that a couple of incidents of plagarism does not equal a terrible or immoral student. I certainly wouldn’t make light of the situation in front of your child, but don’t beat yourself up over “how could he have done this?” My son’s first year seminar teacher had incredibly strict views of what consituted plagarism…more strict than any of the students had experienced in high school…they were all scared to death when they were writing their papers. The teacher probably did this on purpose. Your son needs to understand his mistake and move on…he doesn’t need to be encouraged to think of himself as horrible.</p>

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<p>A further idea, for when he is certain he has recovered from the Lyme disease. (I don’t want to minimize that, because I have one friend for whom recovering from Lyme disease took several years and a brush with death.)</p>

<p>A stint in the military is a classic way to regain lost honor. It’s a radical step, sure, but a much stronger outcome. I believe colleges would look much more favorably on a veteran who served with distinction, notwithstanding pre-service problems, than on a kid who was expelled from college and went to community college for a year while he lived at home.</p>

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<p>Radical, but a great move for some kids. A friend’s son was pretty much a flighty screw up. He didn’t try college, but who knows if he would have gotten in…he didn’t commit any crimes or anything but didn’t take things seriously, was fairly disrespectful, etc. He joined the Marines out of HS, mostly to get away from his father. He is now at a state university and is just a fabulous, well rounded, well liked guy who is doing great in school. It’s not for everyone, but it can work wonders for some.</p>

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<p>What does not destroy him will make him stronger. forget Community college. he needs to take some time off of school to get healthy, conduct some soul searching, commit to some meaningful community service and then write one helluv an essay re what he has learned from all of this.</p>

<p>Some great men have come back from a lot worse (google: Sen. Ted Kennedy).</p>

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<p>As far as the military, you would have to check to see if lyme disease would prevent them accepting him. There are a number of preexisting conditions that preclude acceptance and I don’t know where lyme falls.</p>

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<p>Some great men have come back from a lot worse (google: Sen. Ted Kennedy).
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<p>Ok…none of us are Kennedys LOL </p>

<p>But, I agree with not doing CC. He does need to get well, but I think that he could be much better by next fall healthwise and emotionally (with counseling). </p>

<p>That said, if you all proceed with a plan that he’s going to spend the next 6 months “getting well,” then he might be ready to start school again next fall. (I’m guessing that he’ll be around 21 then.) If he’s not ready, you could request a delay of another semester. </p>

<p>I don’t think it’s wise to try to get back at the elite. They gave him a second chance already. I think you should try smaller schools that are “good schools” but are more willing to accept him because they are having some enrollment issues. At least then he’ll feel that he’s with more peers rather than the “mish mash” of students that can sometimes be found on CCs (no offense to CCs). He can always transfer somewhere else after doing well at a smaller private school.</p>

<p>I don’t know what state you live, but there are probably many such schools (although, I would not recommend that he go to school more than 3 hours from home).</p>

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<p>I did like Xiggi’s advice to talk to the former college/uni if you haven’t already. I almost opined that earlier when I mentioned making sure you got a copy of the transcript. Not being familiar with this type of college separation I think I would probably quiz them regarding their opinion about next steps and what role they might play postive (or negative) when and if your son returns to the collegiate environment.</p>

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<p>Stay away from a CC. It’s really not a good environment for your son: very little “school spirit”, commuter college, kids who usually place school well below other priorities. (I know a kid who was kicked out of school, took several courses at a CC, and dropped altogether after a year.) </p>

<p>I still suggest you find a small LAC not more than 20-30 mintues from home. Let him commute the first semester, then dorm thereafter. Also find a therapist who can help rebuild his self-esteem. A professional is much better than the parent for this. Reconsider his major, maybe it wasn’t a good fit.</p>

<p>Alternatively, you might think about taking a “gap-year”. The problem with this: he’ll be very far behind his peers and may never ‘jump’ back on the horse.</p>

<p>I still think a small LAC nearby is the way to go. Even if he took one or two courses to start. This may seem to take much longer than the 4 years you envisioned, but a little at a time is still a good thing. best of luck!</p>

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<p>ataloss…this must be such a tough time for your family. Your son needs so much right now and it’s great that you are there for him. </p>

<p>I am a big believer in the power of ones thoughts. We can destroy ourselves with negative thinking and guilt or try to train ourselves to think and live in a more positive way. I love books like Feeling Good by David Burns or Heal Your Life by Louse Hay. It may seem hokey to some but their work is grounded in cognitive behavioral therapy.
Reading books doesn’t replace seeking competent outside help…but books can help some people…and maybe your son. </p>

<p>I saw Andre Agassi, one of my heroes, interviewed on TV last night. Years ago, he did crystal meth…and then LIED about it to the tennis authorities. He didn’t get caught be he has come clean in a recent book. He was in tears. That man has done so much since he hit bottom. Your son can too.</p>

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<p>Ataloss, there’s some great advice in this thread. I would echo the comments of those posters who urged you to focus on physical and psychological healing for now. I am thinking of what life must look like to your son. He is living at home and working at a restaurant, with no clear path back to college, after having worked for for years to make it to a selective college. His friends are all away following the path that he thought would also be his. I am sure that his very bad decisions stemmed from the pressure he must have felt when the normally difficult transition to college was exacerbated by the physical and social factors you mentioned. Now it must seem to him that the worst has happened, he has failed spectacularly, and he has no future. </p>

<p>It is your job to change this view, and give him hope. I liked the post about helping him change his internal script. And I agree with other posters that an excellent therapist is needed immediately. There are many excellent suggestions about internships, volunteer work, jobs, etc. - anything that helps him feel (and be) productive and successful. I would let him know that he will have another chance to attend a four-year college, after he takes some time off. </p>

<p>I’m a great believer in the power of a change of scenery. You might take some short trips with your son, or arrange for him to visit relatives.</p>

<p>I agree with Xiggi that the original college may consider re-admitting him when some time has passed. From what I hear and read, academic dishonesty is not exactly rare in HS or in college. I’m sure the administrators realize that many other students have cheated and not been caught. If he uses his time off well, he may be able to persuade them that he has matured and will be able to handle the academic demands without resorting to dishonest practices. If he can’t be re-admitted there, or if he prefers not to return, there will be plenty of other great colleges open to him.</p>

<p>This has to be an agonizing time for you. You might consider seeing a therapist to help you through it, especially if you are not able to see a positive future for your son right now. Think of it as putting on your oxygen mask so that you can help others!</p>

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<p>I agree with this advice. From what I’ve seen of elite universities, once you’re made one of the family, they make an effort to keep you within the family (after the requisite time away and ontrite repentance). I have seen it mostly in the context of drug problems, etc., but it may very well extend to academic dishonesty also.</p>

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<p>I agree wholeheartedly with not believing the door is completely shut at his original school. In the spirit of reasons but not excuses, they might be interested to know that Lyme disease diagnosis. It may not be the right environment for him, perhaps he unconsciously sabotaged his chances of remaining at the school but maybe it would be worth a conversation with him and the school.
Also agree that CC in this case would not be a good path for him - obviously academically talented, the small LAC suggestion sounds great. People make all sorts of awful mistakes, learn and become better people for them, no doubt your S will be able to look back on this and almost - maybe think it was a good thing! :)</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t be so quick to discard the idea of community college, particularly as an interim. There are plenty of bad, unmotivated students at a community college, and also quite a few bright, hard-working kids without a lot of money. He could do worse than take a class or two with kids who haven’t had his advantages. Of course he’d want to investigate first to figure out which classes would be sufficiently challenging.</p>

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<p>All interesting perspectives. Needless to say, I am disgusted and disappointed with the way things have worked out. Having said that, my son is my blessing. My job is not done. My guidance is still very much needed, and I am not about to give up or turn my back. Whatever challenges come up, we will face, head on.</p>

<p>I am giving him safe space to heal, while encouraging him to move forward. Learn from the past, but don’t get stuck in the past. Every now and then I remind him that it is important at some point that he return to school. I just can’t help myself.</p>

<p>The unpaid internship is giving him much insight to a world in which a good education and a committment to living a life of integrity and honesty can pay off, both cerebrally and financially. He has been introduced and works with presidents and vice presidents of departments and the corporation who are interesting, articulate, motivated and energized by their career path. He is researching, presenting ideas, stratagies, new markets to the department heads of an international company. A great gig!</p>

<p>On the other hand, he is learning the meaning of hard work, long hours and very little pay from his restaurant job, not to mention with his lack of skills and experience it took two months to find this job and probably 40 interviews. </p>

<p>Here he has also met someone who has inspired him. A young Mexican man, a husband and father of two, who works very hard with a good work ethic, and appreciates every hour granted to him to work. Life has not given this 20 year old man the same opportunities that my 19 year old son has had. But my son talks about him frequently and this has obviously motivated some self-reflection and re-evaluation. My son has been coaching him a bit toward academics and possible opportunities. The two of them have bonded in a way and are motivating one another.</p>

<p>Life is funny. Maybe this was needed to help him to regain his center and re-ground. </p>

<p>A parents advice is great, but these are experiences I can not give to him. </p>

<p>This is REAL life!</p>