expulsion from college

Parents Forum
21

<p>Ataloss:</p>

<p>I am so sorry to hear about this. I really think that your son should be in therapy right now to help him cope with the sense of shame, of having failed you, and the side effects of having Lyme disease. It is more important than having a job, though the internship is great.
I can understand that he is not up to filling in applications right now. It’s like doing the college search all over again, but also having to explain the expulsion. He needs time to regroup. I think it is a good thing that he will be home with you for a while. He needs your support and he needs to see that you still love him. Had he some major in mind? He could try to keep his hand in by taking a community college or distance course in that major. When he feels up to facing returning to college again, his study skills would not have atrophied. Hopefully, he will also feel that the time off will not be an academic wasteland.</p>

22

<p>We also experienced a terrible year for my DS1. It was actually much worse than your story :frowning: and as a result, he’ll will forever struggle as a result of that year. But, school wasn’t <em>quite</em> his issue. So, for him, we signed him up to attend a regional university and commute. The problem there, however, was that it was awful for his morale. The school had no “spirit”. Kids went to classes there, but no one hung around. Friendships were non-existent. The same thing would have happened if he attended a CC.</p>

<p>Finally, we “figured out” he needed to be within a short distance from home, but away far enough to feel he was into the college experience. He is now at a small LAC, 20 minutes away. It’s not nearly as difficult, and he comes home about once a week. If I had done this all over again, he would have started there. </p>

<p>Added complication: Going to three schools is tough. For graduate schools or jobs, he’ll need to get 3 transcripts.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

23

<p>Your son, right now, likely won’t get into another four-year college. Not at this moment - but in the future? Absolutely possible. </p>

<p>Community college is an <em>opportunity</em> for him. It’s his chance to prove himself. But wait first - make sure he’s healthy enough (physically and mentally) before he runs head-first into college again. And he genuinely should consider a community college. If he does well there, and keeps his nose clean, he will be able to transfer someplace good. </p>

<p>He should take quite a few classes at the cc - perhaps even complete his associates. Complete a good, long, solid record of achievement there. </p>

<p>He may also want to get some others-related volunteer work on his college resume. Volunteering, weekly, at a soup kitchen; volunteering, weekly, at a homeless shelter. Something long-term, frequent, and other-focused. Not only may this sort of experience show a future college that he’s matured, but it may also help him find himself.</p>

24

<p>As a former sorority girl, I think that although he may have had some health issues, a big part of the blame can be put on his participation in a frat. </p>

<p>I would not minimize the situation by thinking it was his health issues that “led him to cheat.” He cheated because he was spending too much time doing frat things instead of school work. Your son may not want to admit that, but I saw this happen far too often when I was in college.</p>

<p>I often would see frat boys (who had been A students in high school) get so distracted with the social scene and partying that they either flunked out or barely made it through. Yes, they’re tired; they’re up til 3 am drinking (or later) on weekends and past midnight on school nights. I won’t even go into the casual sexual hookups that also become a distraction.</p>

<p>Sleeping thru classes can become a frequent occurence.</p>

<p>Now before the successful frat grads complain, I can honestly say not all frat boys have this problem. The problem is that parents don’t know which kind of kid they have until it’s too late. :(</p>

<p>But…back to the situation at hand… :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Yes, your son needs to start at a community college. I’m sure that’s going to be a huge letdown after going to an elite school. However, if he applies himself, he can transfer to a good school after that. </p>

<p>I would also get him into some counseling. I think he’ll need it to deal with all his feelings - letting himself down, letting you down, going to a CC after an elite school, etc.</p>

<p>I wish the best for him. :)</p>

<p>As bad as it may seem right now, it may turn out to be a good thing. Four years of drinking with a frat can turn a person into an alcoholic. I’ve seen it. (Actually, heathcare experts say that it only takes 15 months for a teenager to become an alcoholic - because their brains are still growing until age 25).</p>

25

<p>limabeans…
<<<<
Added complication: Going to three schools is tough. For graduate schools or jobs, he’ll need to get 3 transcripts.
<<<</p>

<p>Is that true? His last school should have everything on his transcript. I went to 2 colleges for undergrad, and I only needed to send one for jobs and when I applied to grad school.</p>

<p>The college that I graduated from for undergrad had everything on my transcript - including my grades from my previous school.</p>

26

<p>Following up on my previous remarks, your son could take classes locally as a non-degree seeking student if his transcript from his previous institution would prevent his being fully enrolled. It occurred to me that even enrolling for a class or two locally might be difficult initially unless it was done this way since he was expelled. His status as a non-degree student could later be converted to degree seeking and his grades converted to count as that as well once he proves himself in those first classes. This would help him get started on a transcript that will help him transfer to another college down the road if he so chooses. Non-degree seeking is not the same as auditing classes; it is similar to a “visiting” kind of status.</p>

27

<p>

Perhaps as a form of “home therapy”, you could encourage your son to speak truth to himself. I am guessing that he has a little speech that he is giving himself and it is going round and round in his head. It might go something like: “You’re an idiot. Look what you’ve done to your family. All your dreams are down the tube, etc., etc.” Encourage him to make up a speech (and even write it down) that’s true and hopeful. For instance: “I made a stupid mistake. I am disappointed in myself, but this is not the end of my life. I am very lucky to have a home to which I can come and regroup and a family who supports me. I will not always feel this way. I am not a bad person, even though I did something wrong. I am going to learn from this and build a new life. etc.”</p>

28

<p>“He can be forgiven.” Absolutely. My heart breaks for you and your family but especially your son. Best wishes to you as you support him through this.</p>

29

<p>You’ve posted this in another thread, so I’m reposting my answer here. :)</p>

<p>As a former sorority girl, I think that although he may have had some health issues, a big part of the blame can be put on his participation in a frat. </p>

<p>I would not minimize the situation by thinking it was his health issues that “led him to cheat.” He cheated because he was spending too much time doing frat things instead of school work. Your son may not want to admit that, but I saw this happen far too often when I was in college.</p>

<p>I often would see frat boys (who had been A students in high school) get so distracted with the social scene and partying that they either flunked out or barely made it through. Yes, they’re tired; they’re up til 3 am drinking (or later) on weekends and past midnight on school nights. I won’t even go into the casual sexual hookups that also become a distraction.</p>

<p>Sleeping thru classes can become a frequent occurence.</p>

<p>Now before the successful frat grads complain, I can honestly say not all frat boys have this problem. The problem is that parents don’t know which kind of kid they have until it’s too late. </p>

<p>But…back to the situation at hand… </p>

<p>Yes, your son needs to start at a community college. I’m sure that’s going to be a huge letdown after going to an elite school. However, if he applies himself, he can transfer to a good school after that. </p>

<p>** I would also get him into some counseling. I think he’ll need it to deal with all his feelings - letting himself down, letting you down, going to a CC after an elite school, etc. </p>

<p>I wish the best for him. **</p>

<p>As bad as it may seem right now, it may turn out to be a good thing. Four years of drinking with a frat can turn a person into an alcoholic. I’ve seen it. (Actually, heathcare experts say that it only takes 15 months for a teenager to become an alcoholic - because their brains are still growing until age 25).</p>

30

<p>I sympathize with you and I truly sympathize with your son, but I don’t think it would be helpful to your son to think of the Lyme disease as being a mitigating factor. I don’t mean to imply that you are thinking this, but some of the posts seem to imply there might be a link. (Maybe I’m reading too much into it.) He has accepted responsibility and that is a very good place to start healing from. The other just clouds the issue. </p>

<p>Sometimes the true measure of a person is how he overcomes his own failings and learns from mistakes. There are many books – biographies as well as autobiographies of people who have turned their lives around. Perhaps they would be inspiring for your son?</p>

31

<p>I agree, focusing on the Lyme’s disease as part of the reason “why” isn’t going to help him in the long run. What’s important is that he accepts responsibility for his actions (it sounds like he is doing this), moves on, and learns to forgive himself. What he did was wrong, but that doesn’t mean he’s a horrible person or that he’ll fail at life. His life is just going to take a different path than it would have if he hadn’t cheated. Love him, let him know you forgive him, and encourage him to look forward.</p>

32

<p>I am so sorry to hear you and your son and family are going through this. What a nightmarish time for you all.</p>

<p>I just wanted to add that if your son earned his way into a selective college, he is obviously blessed with many talents, strengths and gifts. Although he made some very bad decisions that have created serious potholes on the road he was going down, he still possesses the same talents, gifts and ability to drive himself. And when he works through this very painful life event he has created for himself, he will hopefully have even greater character, maturity and wisdom to add to the set. </p>

<p>I hope he can retrieve and remember this about himself. Just as his gifts enabled him to get into an elite college, those same gifts will serve him well on the next road he goes down. And I am sure he is the kind of student, and you are the kind of family, that can help him creatively discover a bunch of different and very valuable roads he can take to the same dreams he had before.</p>

<p>I’m a firm believer that it is not the school per se, but the student, that predicts life success; students talented enough to get into elite colleges in the first place do well no matter where they end up going to school (and current research seems to bear this out).</p>

33

<p>Hang in there! With your continued support and therapy, he will get through this. And you will too, once you see him better. It’s got to be humiliating and embarrassing beyond belief – but rest assured that people who really know him and your family will always be there for you all. Just look how much support you’re getting from your cyberspace buddies here… and we haven’t even met you…</p>

<p>I definitely agree that community college is the way to go. Let him do the research on his own when he’s ready emotionally.</p>

<p>Keep us posted!</p>

34

<p>He believed and admitted his extreme fatigue was brought on by the pledging and the participation in the frat. </p>

<p>He had no idea about the Lyme. But when he was diagnosed shortly thereafter, it seems this could have added to an already bad situation, causing a recipe for disaster. </p>

<p>By no means am I suggesting this is an excuse for dishonesty. There is no excuse.</p>

<p>We are here to support him, unconditionally. With his imperfections and his gifts.</p>

35

<p>If he has too many credits for community college, he shouldn’t go there. Most universities limit the number of lower-level and transfer credits a student can bring in.</p>

<p>I agree with Calmom that, besides from state schools, he might consider extension schools. Another possibility might be to explore schools overseas. </p>

<p>I think the most important thing for now is building him up to avoid depression and I would try to make sure he has friends and, when he is strong enough, is physically active.</p>

36

<p>I definitely meant to link the possible Lyme disease impact on his mental state as a contributing reason for the situation but not an excuse. There is really no excuse but there is always an identifiable reason, but the reason is usually multi-layered and complex, rarely one issue. More importantly understanding the reasons will help in moving forward in a positive way.</p>

<p>Getting back on track means first finding it, and next getting back on with support but not pushing. Initially when I read the first post I felt that the S was perhaps overextended with work, etc. during this recovery period as a type of personal punishment. Sounds like that is not the case. Obviously the only important thing here is to move forward in a positive way - sounds like that is what OP and S are doing.</p>

37

<p>Yes, student will need transcripts from each school s/he attended. </p>

<p>Most times, when you transfer, you simply receive transfer credit from your previous school and not a grade. Most graduate programs, professional schools and some employers what to see the grades that you received.</p>

<p>Courses vary from school to school. As a transfer the new school will try to give you a credit for a course from your old school that most closely correlates to what they offer.</p>

38

<p>I also meant to link the Lyme as a contributing reason. I have seen the effects Lyme can have on short term memory and brain first hand. Not an excuse but I think so many people have heard of Lyme disease but don’t know how bad it can really be. I was pointing toward working at physical well being before taking on community college or any other college classes.</p>

39

<p>Get to the bottom of the problem with a psychological therapist. Was it the pressure of an elite school…performance anxiety? Or something else…sometimes underlying psychological problems come out in the 18-25 range. Depression can cause people to do stupid things. Lyme Disease needs treatment. Ask your physician about any other effects of the disease, perhaps causing depression? </p>

<p>Then when that is all sorted out, and presuming he is cleared up and positive again with a fresh outlook, I am not certain a four year college is out of the question. But you may need to call ahead and speak with admissions about his “history” and see what they say about how they will deal with that. Being totally honest about all that occurred, having an interview etc. Good luck.</p>

40

<p>People make mistakes. I’m glad you have chosen to support your son in all of this without babying him, and it is good he is taking responsibility. He will end up a better person because of this, in the long run. “Adversity introduces us to ourselves.” He’s learned what he is capable of, and it’s not such a bad thing, as we become adults, to learn that we are capable of things we never thought we would do. It makes us better people.</p>

<p>Is it absolutely certain, after a year or so, that he can not attempt to get back into this college? It’s probably a long shot…and other’s here who know more about the academic system could probably answer this question better than me…but I wonder if they might entertain that possibility in a year or two. FWIW</p>