Far Colleges

Parents Forum
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<p>I think that it’s not how often you see your kids as much as how they will get a different experience if they are in a different part of the country. When you’re going to college within the same area as your home - same stores, same religions, accents, traditions - what kind of new experience will they get? </p>

<p>My kids have traveled a lot but living in a different area of the country is very different then visiting. I agree with the posters who have talked about the worldview that living in a different area brings. It can give a student incredible self confidence realizing that they can navigate a new area with a whole different set of norms on their own. </p>

<p>That said, when I hear of friends that can pop over to take their son/daughter out to dinner or bring them home if they’re sick, I do feel a twinge of envy.</p>

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<p>On the notion that a student who attends college near home is at risk of being rather provincial, that all depends on the background. If the student’s childhood was punctuated by long distance moves, attending college in another part of the country may have less romance for them.</p>

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<p>MommaJ, I think so too, but…what can you do? When I ask about that, she insists that it’s got nothing to do with us, it’s just wanderlust or something. She doesn’t want to get away from us (she says), just the northeast weather, fauna, accents, etc. </p>

<p>Of course, it’s all academic at this point. We haven’t heard from anyplace yet and when leaving not just us but all her friends gets more “real,” it might seem scarier (and there are a couple of closer schools on her list). </p>

<p>As a number of people have rightly said, it’s different for each family. But even within a family there may be differences. While I (at first, anyhow) wanted to enforce some kind of distance limit, my wife never agreed with that. And even if she had gone along, my daughter would definitely have chafed. </p>

<p>In the end, while we may be the main payers, we’re also just the parental appendages at this point: it’s their life, and their happiness seems to me to trump ours in stuff like this. We certainly weren’t going to try to force her into some school she had no interest in going to.</p>

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<p>The other thing with kids going far away, they are busy at school and often can’t get home but parents can go visit them.</p>

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<p>What if the further away college happened to be less expensive even accounting for a generous travel budget? For example, there are a number of colleges in the south that offer <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-14.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-14.html&lt;/a&gt; ; should non-southerners eliminate them on distance even if their net cost is lower than that of nearby colleges?</p>

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<p>As a New Yorker who went to college in Chicago, I think it’s valuable to go to college in another part of the country - all else being equal. So I was open to wherever my kids wanted to go – but being in NY, I figured we would stick to anything that was a 5 hour drive or direct flight. D decided to stay pretty close - OOS, but about 3.5 hours away (but up to 5 hrs in traffic). I’ve done it round-trip in one day, but usually don’t. </p>

<p>As S was visiting colleges, it became clear – as a previous poster said – that I would rather have him fly somewhere than drive in traffic to parts of the northeast or upstate NY. His college choice is still TBD, but I think he will be going south by plane. It’s a direct flight, and we have family nearby (if he picks one particular school). To me, when they’re away, they’re away.</p>

<p>I’m not a big fan of my kids coming home from college for the weekend just because. My D did come home for a couple of random weekends (once was to surprise me for Mother’s Day), but I don’t expect that or encourage it.</p>

<p>It’s really a family decision. Some parents want their kids close by. I am fine with them being away. Everyone has a different comfort level for traveling. I remember when I was deciding on colleges. My dad flew out to Chicago with me after I got the acceptance. He didn’t want me to go that far, but when he saw the campus, he admitted he couldn’t say no to me. Always loved being the #1 daughter :slight_smile: Anyway, he realized it was only a two-hour flight - and they would only have to drive me to the airport. It worked out fine (and I don’t remember one flight delay from NY-Chicago in four years!).</p>

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<p>I really don’t think the family should take it personally. And they might come back after graduation. After high school, I was chomping at the bit to get away. This small town felt boring. A school 2,000 miles away was perfect for me. But after 20 years, when I had a young family, guess where I moved? Yep. My wonderful home town. ;)</p>

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<p>I’m sorry, but I find your logic bizarre, MommaJ. So I could be from rural Kansas, and get into NYU or Columbia, but I shouldn’t go because I will still be just as provincial as I would have if I had gone to college in the other Manhattan…Kansas State? Where I will be surrounded by kids not from all over the world, but from…Kansas?</p>

<p>Part of going to a new part of the country for college is to challenge assumptions about people and meet students from other parts of the country/world. This is important to some kids and some families. I don’t see why it has to be judged. Staying close to home for college is not a sign of loving one’s family more than those who go farther away.</p>

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<p>one thing that took me aback when reading college confidential was how some parents not only sliced and diced schools according to us news rankings, but also distance from home. very strange and superficial to me. like mommaj, there are many people who value family ties (and close proximity to family is a huge part of that equation). people often speak about how far their children went away for college as if it’s some badge of honor (“MY honeybun is at a school that’s 2000 miles away!”). i don’t get it, but maybe since i didn’t grow up in a small, isolated town i take things for granted (skyscrapers, foreign accents/foods) that other folks yearn to experience. </p>

<p>go where you feel comfortable. if you want to be close to family, then do that. if you want to bring your laundry home every weekend (or recharge your batteries with those who know and love you), then do that. who cares what the mileage-and- rankings-obsessed think about your choice. it’s YOUR choice.</p>

<p>skyscrapers and crowded cities are overrated.</p>

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<p>Skyscrapers? I don’t really think the overwhelming pull for people to go to colleges out of their area is usually about going to city’s. It’s about going to a different part of the country. If you are from NYC, it’s going to be a big change to go to a school at a school in the deep south, whether it’s at Tulane or Alabama State. </p>

<p>I think it’s quite strange to think that those of us that encourage our kids to disregard location as a big factor are not close to our kids. This is such a unique choice for each family. Students (families) choose their schools for all kinds of reasons. My son’s final five college choices had more to do with the program then anything else. His next favorite college would have been just an hour away, but the cost would have been much higher. HIS CHOICE was to go further away to a college where the program fit him better.</p>

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<p>my point was that neither choice is superior to the other (which is contrary to how it’s often presented on this site). close to home or far away, this student shouldn’t let someone else make the decision for them–they should listen to and follow whatever choice they feel is best.</p>

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<p>I am also a little surprised at the thought that someone whose child goes far away to school is not as close to their child (and, therefore, not a good parent?). My D calls/skypes/texts with me almost everyday - even from Prague, where she is doing study abroad. We share jokes, family news, little comments about life constantly. She asks her dad and I for advice all the time. She and her little brother are best friends - skyping almost every day. Just because she goes to school cross country (and she only comes home twice a year) in no way means we aren’t close - just a different kind of close than someone who comes home every weekend. And that’s just fine with us!</p>

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<p>My H is reading a book about the Great Migration, and D is studying about the westward expansion. What a different country we would have if everyone lived their entire lives within a short drive from their birth home!</p>

<p>I don’t think it’s sad if a kid of mine wants to live his/her life differently from me. They are NOT ME so chances are they will make many choices I would not have made, from the type of job they do, to the places they live, to the way they raise their kids, IF they have kids…why wouldn’t their choice of where to go to school be any different? </p>

<p>Distance has nothing to do with how we feel about our kids, or they us. My youngest has a very specific type of college she wants to attend. There are none where we live, not even close. What kind of parent would I be if I told her to give up her dreams because I want her close? I don’t get THAT.</p>

<p>" close to home or far away, this student shouldn’t let someone else make the decision for them–they should listen to and follow whatever choice they feel is best. "</p>

<p>Exactly. Which is why I don’t understand parents demanding their kids draw a circle around the map of where they get to choose schools.</p>

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<p>my black parents are from the american south and moved to california when they were in their 30s (where they went on to have me and a few of my siblings). no need to read a book about it, as it is a part of our family’s history. being very far from their respective families was a mixed bag. </p>

<p>to each his or her own. but as is very typical of this site, the further away the school, the ‘better’ (in the eyes of a very vocal group of people). what i’m saying (for the last time) is that for those who stay closer to home (for a variety of reasons), that’s okay too. it really is OKAY.</p>

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<p>Huh?! </p>

<p>Our D1 went to college about 1200 miles from home, or an 18 hour drive (without stops). She is 2 hours 15 minutes from us air travel time, 4 hours door-to-door. She’s now midway through her junior year, and so far we have seen her 1) every Thanksgiving for a 4-day weekend (3 times), 2) every year for a full month between semesters (3 times), 3) every summer for just under 4 months (twice), 4) 3 out of 5 week-long fall and spring breaks, 5) twice for special fly-in weekends for special family events, and 6) one weekend for a family wedding in New York which we would have attended anyway, even if it didn’t present an opportunity to see our D1. In addition, DW and I each visited her once, on separate occasions, for Parents Weekend.</p>

<p>If I add that all up, it tells me that in the 30 months since we dropped her off at her college, we’ve spent about 12-and-a-half months with her–not quite half the time, but about a 60-40 split, 60 away, 40 at home. Which makes sense, since she has two 14-week semesters per academic year plus a week of exams, so 30 weeks per year at her college, leaving 22 weeks per year when she is free to be where she wants to be, which so far has been mostly with us. And that doesn’t begin to count the time we spend Skyping, texting, and so on.</p>

<p>The notion that going to college far away from home implies some kind of “sad” rejection of your family strikes me as oddly disconnected from reality. I would say we are in many ways closer to D1 now, and spend more quality time with her, than when she was in HS and living under our roof.</p>

<p>And if D2 were to end up at Carleton, a 45-minute drive away, I would not expect to see her any more than we now see D1 living half a continent away. In fact, if we saw her more often I would be worried that it meant either she was adjusting poorly to college life, or she was shirking her studies, or both. (I can also say that I have some colleagues with kids at Carleton who see their kids less frequently and for shorter durations than we see our D1). </p>

<p>A college student has only so much time during the semester (or at Carleton, during the trimester). If they’re taking it seriously, gratuitous weekend trips home, or anywhere for that matter, should be the rarest of luxuries. Given that reality, you’re basically looking at Thanksgiving, breaks between terms, spring and fall breaks, and summers, wherever your kid goes to school, be it 45 minutes away or half a continent away.</p>

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<p>Some of us live in areas where all kinds of schools are within a circle on the map, with communities more diverse than most colleges. And some of us don’t. </p>

<p>I didn’t draw a circle – kid could go anywhere he wanted – but I completely understand why other families would do differently, and I just don’t get the judgment thing about nearer/farther. Someone from one area may well need to go to school elsewhere to “meet students from other parts of the country/world.” Someone who lives where I live just doesn’t. And that’s why this is such an individual/family thing.</p>

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Good thing my parents feel the same way because there is no way I’m staying in the Midwest</p>

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<p>bclintonk, my kid makes gratuitous trips home and elsewhere regularly; I called him last Saturday and learned he was in NYC! Even so, he’s a serious enough student to consistently be on the Dean’s List. He’s worked very very hard in college… to ensure he never has Friday classes.</p>

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<p>I went to college an 8 hour drive from home, did my masters a 24 hour (straight) drive/3 hour plane flight+1.5 hour drive from home, and am doing my PhD a 1.5 hour drive from home. I will say that there are advantages being close to home (esp. when significant family stuff like health issues comes up), and it is nice to see my family more frequently, but at the same time, I’m glad I went a bit farther away for undergrad–I do think that when you live about 2 or 3 hours from campus or less there is a temptation to go home, even moreso if you have friends still in the area. Otoh, one of my best friends from college was born and raised in our college town, and she was still fairly independent and socially involved on campus (I think joining a sorority helped in this regard, as it did for most of my sisters and myself). In some ways, I think that going to college in your hometown can be the best of both worlds if the college is a good “fit” academically, socially, and financially because you can see your family without a weekend-long production that takes you away from campus.</p>

<p>(Btw, my parents actually moved the summer before my freshman year of college, so while I was considering my college, it was actually a 4.5 hr flight away. I think I knew they were moving when I sent in my deposit, although it wasn’t a major factor in my decision).</p>

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<p>calimami=H’s parents made the same trip as yours, and had him and several siblings as well…but he is among other things the owner of a history degree and is always looking to learn even more about historical topics that interest him. The book he is reading follows several specific people over the years and it turns out that one of the was from his parents’ hometown! Now, while he heard their stories, he found this connection quite fascinating.</p>

<p>I don’t think it’s “better” to go far away. I DO think that our kids should feel that they CAN, and that’s the difference for me.</p>