<p>I have one DS in college a plane ride away and a second DS applying to college this fall. For purely selfish reasons, I would love the second one to stay closer to home. Now, I base a decision to see my older one at school on when I can get a cheap flight versus hopping in the car. But he’s attending his dream school and thriving. So, it’s worth it. Just hard on us parents.</p>
<p>We are in CA and our D is in rural PA. We did not set distance limitations, but her major is somewhat specialized and there are no great programs on the west coast. Travel does add up but the COA with aid was significantly less than the local option so it is still a bargain. One thing we have foynd is that since her airport primarily services the school, prices skyrocket around school holidays or start/end of school. She usually ends up taking a bus to a large metropolitan area (NY, Philly) and flying from there it can make for some pretty long travel times!</p>
<p>When my daughter was making her college decision, I discussed the distance issue a lot with friends who had kids in college. The general concensus was: after the first few months or so, it doesn’t matter if they’re across town or across the country… they rarely come home! That is, if they’re happy and involved and loving school, which is of course what we all want for our kids. The kids who come home a lot usually do so because they’re bored or lonely and haven’t made many friends… and they haven’t made many friends because they’re always coming home. Viscious cycle. For kids who might be tempted to go home every weekend, being close enough to do so might be a handicap.</p>
<p>At any rate, my daughter chose a school 18 hours away. She’s loving it, and we couldn’t be happier with her choice.</p>
<p>I distinctly remember H’s younger sister, in her twenties at the time, getting a job offer in Amsterdam and when she announced it, everyone in the family bawled their eyes out at the thought she’d be leaving. I was disgusted. What they called “family closeness” I call stifling. </p>
<p>Currently my niece, a twenty something, is working in London. How exciting! What an adventure! I’m glad my SIL/BIL encouraged her to spread her wings and not stifle her as my ILs had done. </p>
<p>Lots of people out here in the Midwest think of the coasts as big scary places full of pushy people. Why would I want to encourage such provincial thinking?</p>
<p>"
I think it’s a little sad that a kid would want to live across the country from family and see them so rarely."</p>
<p>Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break and maybe a parents’ weekend or other event (like a performance) was the norm when I was in college - regardless of whether students were local or not. I don’t think that’s “rarely” at all. That strikes me as normal, and a kid coming home on weekends “just because” would worry me that he wasn’t adjusting to college life. Well, you don’t adjust to college life by running home with your laundry bag to visit hs friends.</p>
<p>Goodness, such interesting responses. We are a homeschooling family and I was and am really close to my son who is in college 3000 miles away. We text/skype/fb/email all the time. During the semester, he gets busy and it can be hard not to hear from him, but he’s really happy and I can’t imagine him at any other college; it fit him so well. There’s strong Christian fellowship for him, great friends, and the classes are just what he needed.</p>
<p>We saw him for three weeks at Christmas and it was wonderful. We missed him more when he left this time than before. But technology makes me feel much closer to him.</p>
<p>My middle son probably will live at home for college.</p>
<p>Different kids, different families, different colleges means different choices.</p>
<p>
That was MY comment, and it was in response to someone who posted that they only saw their kid twice a year, three weeks at Christmas and one week in the summer. To me, that’s sad. As for the poster who equated family closeness with being stifled, well, I’m sorry your family situation is that unpleasant. Not everyone’s is.</p>
<p>I think there’s a false choice being described here between kids who go to school thousands of miles away and rarely come home and those who go to school nearby, come home constantly for lack of a social life on campus and lived cramped, myopic lives. There’s much space in between these two options. But the bottom line is this–it’s not cruel or mean or short-sighted to limit your kids’ college choices by geography. You won’t be stunting their intellectual, emotional or social growth. Do what works for your family–based on finances, practicality, and family dynamics.</p>
<p>MommaJ–I guess many of us will just have to agree to disagree. Seeing each other on a daily or weekly basis does not equal being a close family either.</p>
<p>Both of my sons attend college out of state. One is a little more than two hour plane ride, the other one more like 5 hours away by plane but it takes most of a day to get home due to layovers. We did not limit where our sons wanted to attend college in terms of distances. As long as the college was a good fit for them, and we could afford it, location was not part of the equation. Years ago when I went to college, I attended an out of state college as well which was an 8 hour car drive. I occasionally came home for a three day weekend but mainly I came home on the usual Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring breaks mainly because I could not afford to come home more often than that. My major was not available at the time in my home state, so I had to look out of state.<br>
My sons are thriving, and are enjoying living in a different part of the country than where they were raised. Both of them say they doubt they will stay where they attend college when they graduate, but they both felt that the college years were the time they could try something new and experience something new. And we love visiting them when we can, since they both attend college in wonderful college towns.</p>
<p>sseamom: i hear ya. and for what it’s worth, you aren’t one of the slice-and-dicers i was referring to. lol</p>
<p>I am struck by resenting your in-laws’ move to Florida. To me, my parents and in-laws worked hard for their money and if they want to enjoy their golden years in Florida or wherever, more power to them. I don’t understand wanting to clip someone else’s wings.</p>
<p>
Nor does going away provide the only path for personal growth.</p>
<p>Sheesh. I’m really astonished at the judgmental attitudes on this thread. (I’m judgmental about the judgmental attitudes. 
)</p>
<p>There are SO MANY variables that one way – near or far – simply isn’t going to be best for every family, every kid! </p>
<p>I have to laugh at the idea some have expressed that kids shouldn’t come home sometimes for the weekend if they are so inclined. My son doesn’t like to get wasted, go to the movies, or party, all very popular weekend activities on his campus. He still manages to have a social life at school (and apparently in NYC, too…), but sometimes he’d rather go to the symphony with his mom. (I buy the tickets and provide door-to-door service! No laundry service, though; he’s done his own laundry since he was 12, and college certainly hasn’t changed that.) His current college is close enough to make that possible. Doesn’t mean I hear from him all the time – I don’t. His last email to me read in its entirety, “I’m still alive.” (Woo-hoo!!)</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, if your H’s younger sister took that job in Amsterdam, it appears to me that her parents didn’t stifle her at all.</p>
<p>When some parents on this thread assert that a faraway college is good for expanding your horizons, encountering new customs, culture, etc etc., I have to wonder how that works in real life. My son, for one, is a computer science major at a difficult, competitive school (a half hour drive from our house) and he spends 90% of his waking hours in front of a screen. In almost 4 years there, he hasn’t really explored off campus, collected a group of diverse friends, or taken advantage of the local culture. He’s just too busy. Seems like he and his peers just don’t interact in the world the way we did. They live much more virtual lives than I would have thought possible. I’m not condoning it, but the truth is that for my kid, I don’t think a lot would have been gained by him going to school on the other side of the country. I’m glad to save on the airfare!</p>
<p>
Whoever said that was desirable? Again, there’s a big gap between seeing family on a daily or weekly basis or seeing them twice a year. The alternative to going across country is not going down the block. I went to college an hour from home. Spread my wings and flew pretty darn well. Met people from all over the world. Learned to navigate a major city. Was glad, as was my father, to be able to go home for the day in the middle of the week when my uncle died. Also enjoyed the fact that my parents occasionally drove up to take me and my boyfriend out to dinner. If that sort of thing is too stifling, I agree it’s best to go far, far away.</p>
<p>“Pizzagirl, if your H’s younger sister took that job in Amsterdam, it appears to me that her parents didn’t stifle her at all.”</p>
<p>She didn’t take it. She was guilted out of it by parents who saw it as oh-so-sad that she would be gone versus being oh-so-excited for her opportunity.</p>
<p>MommaJ, I don’t think you understand that it’s just not possible for students to go school close to home. The opportunities within a 3 hour radius of Ugashik, Alaska aren’t the same as the opportunities that someone can have in New England.</p>
<p>As I stated earlier, there is no right or wrong. Every kid is different, every family is different. My older one was perfectly fine with the concept of a 5-6 hour car ride. She is thriving, has lots of new friends, and enjoys coming home during breaks. Her school seems to have frequent breaks during freshman year. My younger one keeps asking to go to airplane schools, but I won’t let her because we do not have family in these areas and she has anxiety issues. She understands this decision and actually agrees. My friend’s son goes to school in Florida ( we are up North) and although he is thriving and happy, my friend says it’s incredibly difficult and very expensive. She says she won’t let her daughter do it…but who knows.</p>
<p>My comp sci kid could have gone anywhere and not gotten anything out of it. The only part of Pittsburgh my kid saw that perhaps most didn’t off campus was the public library. (He reads a lot!) My other kid though really does take advantage of at least some of the off campus activities and culture - especially this year - he’s doing a junior year abroad in the Middle East. :D</p>
<p>It’s my impression that many international students at U.S. colleges and universities see their families no more than once a year because of the cost of international travel. No doubt many of their families are sad to see their loved ones so infrequently, but my guess is that most of the families don’t think it’s sad that their children made that choice, nor do they interpret it as a sign of rejection. Many probably see it as a potentially life-changing opportunity. Few of us, I suspect, would condemn those students for making that choice. And it doesn’t mean they love their families one bit less. Many probably believe they’re doing it for their families as much as for themselves.</p>
<p>Is it so hard to see that a kid growing up on the Great Plains, or in the Mountain West, or the Deep South, where local higher education opportunities are relatively limited, might not make essentially that same choice? People have been doing it for generations.</p>
<p>Heck, back in the day I decided to go to college a 10-hour drive away from home, which meant I saw my family at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and in the summer–and because of job opportunities, the summer visit became a 2-week visit after my first summer, which I spent at home. And that was to attend our state flagship, which provided outstanding educational opportunities at an affordable price. Educational opportunities in our part of the state were slim pickin’s, unless you wanted to be an engineer which I knew was not my calling. “Sad”? Well, my family was sad not to see me more often, and I missed them, but mostly I was excited for the opportunity, and they were fully supportive of the choice because they thought I had great potential and didn’t want to hold me back. That’s really no different than the choice made by the international student today, or the kid from rural Montana who decides to go to Yale.</p>
<p>By the same token, though, I see nothing wrong with going to college close to home if the educational opportunity is right. As I said, my D2 is applying to Carleton, 45 minutes away from us, and to a bunch of colleges in the Northeast. I’m indifferent as to location; I just want her to attend the best college she’s admitted to that is also a great fit. If she ends up far away, I won’t interpret it as a sign of rejection. And wherever she ends up, we’ll make it a priority to see her as often as we reasonably can without interfering with her college work and her college experience.</p>
<p>twogirls–I guess I disagree that there is no right or wrong way to do this–the wrong way is to tell your child they can “only” do one thing or to tell them where they have to go. Finances are an issue, obviously, but kids should not be forced to go to a school in a specific area just because mom and dad want them to come home more often. It’s not about the parents, it’s about the student and way too many parents forget that. If the student choose to stay close, great, but telling a child they can’t go farther than 4 hours away is just the parents trying to exert control and not looking out for the best interest of the student, period. Now, if you have $10,000 to spend, including transportation, the child needs to work within that dollar amount. If a student from say Seattle gets a full ride to Alabama and you still have $10,000/year to work with, why wouldn’t you let your child attend that school if that is where they wanted to go? $10,000 will pay for a LOT of flights home if you really needed them to come home every weekend.</p>