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<p>Probably work even better since (a) it would show they’ve got some idea of consideration for other people’s (i.e., <em>MY</em>) feelings; and (b) nobody would be sad (not me, because they’d fool me into a feeling of importance, not them, cuz they’re only faking!).</p>
<p>[Please don’t yell at me anybody–I’m only (sort of) kidding, and you can see HOW SENSITIVE I AM!!]</p>
<p>^^^
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<p>Yes! When we visit our kids (both ~2500 miles away), they often stay with us in our hotel. S2 once commented that he wished we lived there. Delighted, I said that maybe we could get a little vacation cabin an hour away. He clarified that it was the hotel he loved…particularly the bathtub and the room service.</p>
<p>^^I can see our son saying the same thing, for the same reason :D. I know one school we looked at bought a hotel as a back up dorm and the kids stayed at the hotel–with maid service. The kids thought that was a cool idea but the school was pretty crappy and it didn’t go any farther than that. :D.</p>
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<p>And don’t tell me that “you have to stay close to home” (in the absence of financial constraints or extenuating health circumstances) isn’t accompanied by expectations, whether explicit or implicit, that you should want to stay in the same area, find a spouse from the same area, raise your kids in that area, etc. </p>
<p>I want my kids to think the world is their oyster. Not just the-close-in-radius-around-where-we-live. </p>
<p>Besides, who says H and I will always live here? Once we retire, what stops us from buying a place in the south of France or whatever?</p>
<p>Seriously, when D1 first gave me her “list” of schools, and they were all places that you could get to only by the $14K semi-annual hot air balloon flight that lands a couple of hours from campus, I was hurt. But I didn’t really want to restrict her adventure–I just needed a little reassurance that I’d always be part of her life. </p>
<p>If kids could learn a little how to handle other people’s (i.e., <em>MY</em>) feelings, there’d be so many fewer power struggles. Just a “Don’t worry, Dad, you’ll still hear from me plenty” would have eased a lot of pain–even if it wasn’t true.</p>
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<p>That there’s another kid with tuition expectations coming down the pike? That they charge for property there? (Should I keep going?)</p>
<p>The cost of airline tickets from the US to France? (couldn’t resist)</p>
<p>" I want him to think at age 18 that anything is possible, not that his life is circumscribed in any way."</p>
<p>Yes, I think that’s what it boils down to for me. Whatever I can do to SUPPORT my kids’ dreams and goals, that’s my job, not tying them to MY perceptions. Barring physical or emotional problems that would REQUIRE a child of mine to seek their educations in their backyard, I still think the late teens-early 20’s are the best time TO get out and see other places, people and ways of life, BEFORE you settle down with jobs and obligations.</p>
<p>Having been through it with two kids already, I have to say that if you raise them right, they will ALWAYS include you in their lives. Physically seeing them isn’t the only way, and sometimes across town can be farther than another country-just my humble experience.</p>
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<p>Right. “But <em>I</em> would be upset if I couldn’t come visit you all the time” shouldn’t enter into it. It’s not ABOUT you (the parent). </p>
<p>I also think emotional closeness has very, very little to do with physical distance. We lived 2 miles from H’s parents for the last 25 years. I wouldn’t consider us “close” at all.</p>
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<p>I go to school 2,300 miles from my parents. Talked to my mother this morning by phone and my father this afternoon on FaceTime. Physical distance does not need to mean emotional distance.</p>
<p>As a parent, I have to always remind myself that “it’s not about ME!” That comes to college selection, career choice, life partners, etc. We have always fostered independence in our kids and allowed them the ability to make their own decisions. Once we decided how much we could afford to give each child for college - then the choice was up to them. Both have chosen the perfect fit for them - not for me!!!</p>
<p>That being said, my S’s best friend (current HS senior) doesn’t want to be more than 3 hours from her parents. That is HER choice - not her parents. As I said before, my D chose to go to school across the country from us. HER choice. We are still close, talk every day, know “everything” going on in her life (she overshares at times!). Both choices are wonderful.</p>
<p>My S is a talker / sharer - often in great detail. My D is much more private and keeps us at arm’s length. Those characteristics of those wouldn’t change if I forced S to go 1000 miles away, or if I forced D to stay in our backyard, so I have no idea why people think they can “force” closeness by forcing a child to stay local.</p>
<p>If the selection process was all about me, my kids would be in fun cities that I want to visit like Washington DC, couldn’t get them to look at any schools there or San Diego, D entertained the idea for about 5 minutes, or maybe somewhere in Europe, never came up as a possibility during the search. The only ‘requirement’ we have is that they do a study abroad. Now, if they can’t work that in, we understand but we would like them to try to do that. Maybe for med school for D :D.</p>
<p>“If the selection process was all about me, my kids would be in fun cities that I want to visit”</p>
<p>Ha! I’m secretly thrilled D wants to go to the southeast since I’ve never been there, it’s relatively warm all year long and at least some areas are close to beaches I could swim at all year. She wouldn’t HAVE to come home, I would be there every chance I got (kidding)!</p>
<p>Ha - I was so delighted that my D went to Boston since it’s a town I really wanted to go to more often, and I SO wanted my S to go to Wash DC given his political ambitions!</p>
<p>If I think about my own regrets in life, they are linked to not having explored as much of the country as I should have when I was young and didn’t have constraints. We were tied down pretty early due to H’s medical school and practice constraints, and I contemplated but didn’t have the guts to become an expat when the kids were small. I should have. People don’t regret that type of thing.</p>
<p>Never thought that much about where my kids would go to college. It was always about the best school for them. We traveled (overseas) so much as a family when they were growing up that they probably know more about other culture than American culture. When D1 first went off to the very large U, she was very shocked by other students’ political/religious/racial views**, or even how their families functioned. I think it was as much of education for her as what she learned in the classroom. I think D2 hearing it from her older sister is better prepared.</p>
<p>*<em>One young man told D1 that he would never consider dating outside of his race (white).
*</em>Some people said they’ve never had sushi.
**Very surprised that D1 didn’t have a religion.</p>
<p>oldfort—so??? Why is it it only acceptable in some cultures not to date outside their culture but a white person must be open to dating anyone. Sushi gets a bad rap from the raw fish thing, not everyone’s cup of tea and when you grow up in an area where most people are of a religion, it is odd to meet someone that isn’t. Heck, even traveling to different states and seeing the different grocery stores is an eye opener for a lot of people. Even people on boards like this will say “well, just go to _______ (whatever store)” except that we don’t have whatever store here. Travel, anywhere, is a wonderful learning experience.</p>
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<p>Yes! It IS all about us, isn’t it? Part of wanting my kids to lead rich and exciting lives is being able to share in that richness and excitement myself. I felt that way when I was visiting colleges with my son. I fell deeply in love with one college he didn’t even end up applying to…it looked and felt perfect to me. But it didn’t to him. He is not me. I do my best to remember that but sometimes my own filters get in the way.</p>
<p>SteveMa - there is nothing wrong with someone not wanting to date outside of his/her race or never tried sushi, but it was just strange to D1.</p>
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<p>Pizzagirl – For the same reasons that I came home every other weekend my first year in college. I made friends and thoroughly enjoyed going to all the cultural and sporting events on campus. However, I also relished those weekends with my family – sitting around the supper table together, taking walks with my father, talking to my mother, playing board games with my siblings. I liked to sleep in my own bed, in my own room, and curl up on a sofa to study. It was great being with friends at college for two weeks straight, but I wanted to be with my family as well and get some “down” (introvert recharging) time. To this day, my siblings, parents, and I (all well-adjusted adults) live within close distance of one another, call each other daily, and spend as much time with each other as possible.</p>
<p>That may not be right for you and your family. The way your family does things would not be right for mine. In either case, we should be able to respect and appreciate each other’s differences.</p>