FEEDBACK for my college essay! (prompt #2, an instance of failure)

<p>Well, here it is guys! Give all of the comments/suggestions/constructive criticism you'd like! Thank you all in advance!
Enjoy :)</p>

<p>Prompt: Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?</p>

<p>All eyes were on me. Suddenly, I heard a pop.
I was standing in front of my classmates when my little red ladybug clip flew across the room. My curls sprang out from every direction, and my uncontrollable head of hair was revealed. I ran back to my desk and desperately tried to pull back my mess of curls with a stray rubber band. However, my curls wanted out, and the flimsy rubber band snapped under the stress.
In that moment, I had my very first run-in with failure.
I used to be a six-year-old star (At least I had thought I was that fateful day, anyway.).
It was the first day of first grade, and I was more than ready to make my celebrity appearance at school. My personal assistant was waiting for me with a bowl of oatmeal and an outfit that I had carefully selected the previous night. I strutted around my room wearing my new red dress, red shoes, and sparkly red purse. Most importantly, however, was my ladybug clip holding my hair into place. It was nuzzled comfortably into my bed of curls. I spent several minutes that morning in front of the mirror fitting every fractal of frizz into that pin. I made sure that my hair was held down tightly, as I did not want any of my light-faced friends to see my huge head of hair. If no one could tell that I had curly hair, I thought, they will think that I am a star. I headed to the corner of my street to find paparazzi already waiting for me: they sported "World's #1 Mom" sweatshirts, held cameras, and were asking me all kinds of questions such as,
"Are you excited for your first day?"
"Will you stand with so-and-so to take a picture?"
Finally, my yellow stretch limo arrived, and I was on the way to my first-day premiere.
I truly did feel like a star. My new classroom was my stage, complete with fluorescent spotlights and a linoleum runway. I even had my very own desk with a custom-made name tag. One by one, each child took a turn to present a show-and-tell item to the class. It was my turn to present my item, the red purse, and I was standing center stage. It was my time to shine.
Then, it happened.
I no longer wanted to be in the spotlight. I did not want an audience anymore. My hair did not want me to be a star. I remember crying and wishing that I had a long, silky flaxen mane like that of all of my friends. As I was already the only student of color, I did not want to be different.
Now looking back, I realize that I was too young to understand that my success in the spotlight was not based upon my curls being confined or the color of my skin. Instead, the ladybug-clip-popping incident had taught me to stand up and to stand out, to embrace my authenticity, to share my opinions fearlessly- to set my hair free.
In a sense, I am still a celebrity. I am president of my high school's Gay-Straight Alliance, and by sharing my own story of who I am, I have set an example for those who have yet to "set their hair free"- those who are not yet able to be proud of their curls, to be proud of what makes them different. I want everyone to know that by learning to love my curls, my sexuality, and the color of my skin, I have learned to love myself.
Sometimes when my curls will not cooperate, I smile, think back to that day, and realize that a flimsy ladybug clip (and a mere bad hair day) could never make me any less of a star.</p>

<p>I really liked this. Attention-grabbing introductory sentence and memorable concluding sentence. Your essay surprised the readers in several places, and readers love surprises. You took a kind of ordinary event and made it into a significant one. The essay is well thought out. If I was in admissions, I can see how you would contribute to the campus. And you passed the essay “roommate” test. Based on this essay, you make a good college roommate.</p>

<p>And your essay hit all the points on this college essay article : )
<a href=“Stuck on the Essay? Try Writing a Letter to an Imaginary College Roommate - The New York Times”>Stuck on the Essay? Try Writing a Letter to an Imaginary College Roommate - The New York Times;

<p>I enjoyed your essay. Best of luck!</p>

<p>wowo</p>

<p>I’m just a high school student, but I’ve read my fair share of essays here. A fatal flaw I’m seeing in a bunch of these essays is a focus on hardship. I think an essay should have AT MOST three sentences explaining what hardships you’ve faced.</p>

<p>“X person has cancer.”</p>

<p>Yes, that’s a hardship and an issue X person must face. But this tells me nothing of WHO he/she is, right? People aren’t defined by their ailments. They’re defined by how they react to those obstacles in life. I’ve read a lot of unmemorable essays about stresses placed on a student perhaps due to family neglect, immigration, or anything else. I don’t remember these essays because I felt as if I hadn’t MET anyone–like I learned nothing of who THEY are, only about what they’ve faced.</p>

<p>Your essay is a really good one, in my opinion. I feel like it truly did give me a glimpse of who you are and some insight to your character and a valuable lesson you have learned. You mentioned a failure, but the essay is not a mere summary of what happened that day. As mentioned, it grabs peoples’ attention and stands out–a 1 in 1000.</p>

<p>Then again, these are just my thoughts. But my guess is that any human being would really like this essay. That’s 2 votes for “great job.”</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>Awesome essay! You took a simple event and made it interesting. Good luck with your college admissions!</p>