Feedback for my Essay?

Test Preparation
1

<p>Hi, I was wondering if anyone can give me feedback and an SAT essay score for my an essay that I wrote? Thanks!</p>

<p>PROMPT (from BB): Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it?</p>

<p>ESSAY:</p>

<p>Often, when we think of heroes, we think of brave, strong, people who face physical danger to defend others. Although these people should be commended for their bravery, they're not true heroes. True heroes are people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to do so. They not only risk their lives but they also risk being alienated by friends, family, and society.</p>

<p>The first eight black children to enter the Little Rock public school system can be considered heroes. These eight children faced constant torment from racist teachers and students. In the book Warriors Don't Cry, Melba, one of the eight children, describes how she was both physically and mentally abused on a daily basis. Additionally, she was rejected by the African American community because they were afraid of being associated with her. Despite the community's lack of courage to support her, Melba endured through the animosity and graduated high school. As a result, she proved that African Americans deserved equal educational opportunities, and further progressed the Civil Rights movement.</p>

<p>Similarly John Scopes from the book Inherit the Wind can also be considered a hero for challenging society's view on religion in school. John Scopes was put on trial for trying to teach Darwin's Theory of Evolution in a public school. His act incited fury from parents who wanted to teach their children to be conservative. Scopes faced death threats from the community and lost the girl he loved, but refused to give up a cause which he believed in.</p>

<p>The French Resistance did not give up their beliefs either during WWII. During Hitler's rule of tyranny in France, a band of soldiers formed a group to fight secretly against Hitler. Those who were discovered were immediately shot, but the Resistance's resolve remained unwavered. They believed that their sacrifices were worth combatting the injustices of the Nazi regime.</p>

<p>History and literature has shown that the true heroes are ones who are willing to speak up when no one else will. Without these heroes, our lives would be completely different. Without Melba, discrimination may still be present in our schools. Without John Scopes, our right to teach controversial topics would be infringed upon, and without the French Resistance, Hitler may have won.</p>

2

<p>Hmm… well… I am in no position whatsoever to rate or judge your essay since I’ve only just begun preparing for the SAT. I do however pride myself in generally being a good essay writer and so I’m going to say some things.</p>

<p>First of all, if this fills up 2 pages (not sure if it does or not) then you’re guaranteed a good grade on it. </p>

<p>However… although your examples are good (I especially liked the Little Rock one), I feel like you’re simply explaining the obvious connections between your examples and heroism… This really might be enough for a good essay on the SAT but I know you’d have to go way deeper than that for other essays (such as an essay for your enlgish class). But like I said, I don’t know much about the SAT essay, but I’m assuming you might want to dive a little deeper into your examples and their connection.</p>

<p>Good choice of diction throughout, no doubt in that. Conclusion is a little redundant… but it’s a conclusion and those are hard to get right.</p>

3

<p>My sense is that your examples are off topic.</p>

<p>In example 1 the “8 children” (I assume) did not have an option of “speaking out”. They were already in the midst of a confrontational situation. Your “proof” has little to do with the thesis.</p>

<p>Your second example is potentially on topic. But you stray from the topic of “speaking out despite pressure to stay silent or assume the conventional point of view”. Focus on the trial, and Scopes’ position during the trial. Put that in context with the conventional wisdom of the time.</p>

<p>The third example is also potentially on topic, to the extent that “speaking out” includes “action”. But that’s a stretch.</p>

<p>Your writing is good. Foremost though to get a good grade you need to be precisely on topic.</p>