I understand completely, but I also agree that this is the first major step for students becoming adults. With my older son, my favorite school was one of his top two. He ended up applying ED to the other school mainly due to strategy as it only had ED1 and my favorite (though harder to get into) had both ED1 & 2. He’s never looked back, though I’ve often wondered ‘what if’. The important part is that they make this important milestone decision (given our guidance on finances etc) and they understand that we have confidence in their ability to do so.
Going through the process now with my younger son, and I’m not terribly excited by any of the schools he has chosen as I’m more of a LAC person. But, this is his experience and as long as he has colleges in each category (likely, match, reach) and his reasoning goes beyond which schools have the best basketball teams, I’m supporting him. He’s the one that ultimately has to go there. (I did convince him to apply to one LAC that doesn’t require a supplement, just for me and in case he sees the light by May. ;0)
@PepperJo - If you are they type that mourns the loss of one of your favorites from her list, than be grateful she is culling the list now. While it’s lovely and flattering to have many acceptances, she can only choose one to attend and has a narrow timeframe to make her final choice. What we all want as parents is for our kids to have total clarity in what they want. It sounds like your daughter is well on her way!
@jmnva06 - Ummm…because, in most cases, they are paying for it??
I didn’t have so much as a “parent pick” but a “check out _____ school’s ____ program. I think you should apply, they offer merit scholarships of up to full tuition.” There were a couple of those that made it on the list, and one made it into D’s top three choices.
Ultimately, the decision was my daughter’s. I was honored to be part of the process and I think (or at least hope) she appreciated our insights,
“Parent’s pick” doesn’t mean “This is where you are going and that’s final.” It’s more of a "I think you should seriously consider ____ school for a variety of (hopefully well thought out) reasons.
Yes, it was my quarter of a million dollars on the line. And I know my kid better than anyone. If she’d hated the school I asked her to keep on the list. I wouldn’t have asked it. And I’d have kept my word to never bring it up again if she’d picked someplace else after accepted student visits. We are respectful of each other in that way.
It was my money paying D1s and D2s school as well.
I just see no point in forcing a kid to add school to their list just because I liked it. To me, feeling sad because they dropped school X tells me that I’m more invested in the process than the kid. It sort of like the parents that say “We’re applying to X, Y, Z”
It also may be that you have more perspective on it than your kid does. No one is advocating for forcing a kid to attend a school. But it seems reasonable to ask them to at least give a good look to a school that you think is a good fit. I personally think the OP has an option to ask her D to include ONE more rural school. Kids change between now and May. Options are good.
@PepperJo Feeling some of your pain. S19 culling his list. Dropped another one yesterday. Meanwhile, my husband is now deciding to add some ideas of his own that don’t really resemble any of the schools that have been carefully chosen by S19 and are on his list. Ugh. I’ve run every possible scenario in my head and I’m trying hard to imagine how this is going to come out in the end but I am for a loss. March/April will be very interesting. Maybe it’s a rare student who has a list set early and sticks with it?
My D ended up at a dream school. Unfortunately, 3K miles away. arrgghh. I think you need to let her be the one running the show. Despite loving the school D ended up at, I would have loved her to be closer. This is "their " opportunity to be outside their comfort zone, to test themselves, see if they can do it. Go with the flow. I figure even if D changes her mind, so what, it is a lesson learned. BTW, although I loved the school D is attending, I would have preferred one closer. But, it is not my choice
When D18 went through the process, I thought everyone with the stats, etc.had to apply to XYZ school, right? She’d worked so hard and it’s such a good school and on and on and on. Yet it didn’t meet her criteria. Doggone it! That’s what we get for raising her to be her own person, not to follow the crowd and to honor herself. Now how could we be upset that school wasn’t considered a good fit by her?
She’d made a thoughtful list, based on solid criteria and took our feedback and finances into account. We had to remind ourselves that it wasn’t our list, it was hers and it was a good one.
She took that final list into the application season and came up a winner several times over. I could see that it was incredibly gratifying for her and as parents we couldn’t have been more proud (&grateful, too!) The one she selected? Amherst College. When someone asked her how she came to apply there? She told them her mama suggested it. :-*
She can only attend one college (at a time). Once she gets a list she’s comfortable with and can afford, with some that are fairly safe admits, what’s the point in having a huge list? To reach that point some students need a long initial list, and some a shorter one. If she had reason to be confident that she’ll be admitted to at least one really desirable school from her shorter list (i.e. a so-called academic “safety”), then that speaks well for her chances and her judgment. There’s no value in having trophy admissions. And it can be a PITA to prepare a larger number of applications.
Neither of my kids had really long lists. My #1 had 7 on his list. My #2 had 6. Between them they were rejected by one school. The ones they attended were outstanding.
Do you have a “bloom where you are planted kid”? If so, then as long as she’s got a true admissions safety which you can afford based on the most hard-boiled financial analysis (i.e. not “we can afford it as long as I donate plasma once a week”) then I’d let it go. If you’ve got a kid with a touchier personality, then figuring out if there is one compromise school (she’s ambivalent, you’re convinced it’s a great fit) might be worth a discussion.
Some kids don’t need 12 options. They are happy with one or two realistic choices. Other kids will torture themselves with “woulda coulda shoulda”. What kind of kid is yours?
@PepperJo
Look at the bright side. This process is good “letting go” practice for when your D starts dropping boy ( or girl) friends, fiancees, and spouses you like.
My daughter’s school counselors required them to apply to at least one school close to home in case there was an unforeseen need to be close to home such as if they or their parents became ill, lost a job, divorced etc. My daughter decided not to apply to several schools we visited that I thought were good fits for her. At my insistence, she sent in an app to one that didn’t require extra essays. I thought that school was a lay up for her. The school must have sensed her lack of genuine interest and she was waitlisted there. That app ended up being a waste of $. My daughter wanted to spend her time writing great apps for the schools she liked the best. She ended up at one of her top choice schools which is very close to home and a great fit. We both are very happy the way it turned out.
@jmnva06 We had a parent pick that went on their list…My eldest DD was looking at some larger state schools like UMass, UConn…so I added SUNY Binghamton as that was a top 5 best value. She ended up going there as they gave the best IB Credit.
My youngest was happy for me to help her pick colleges…I knew for her she wanted smaller schools 1-2 hours away, where she would be challenged but not overwhelmed, and thought The College of New Jersey would be good for her (also a good value).
Both ended up at the parent pick but I picked them based on best value colleges meeting the criteria they set out.
The reason we pick is that this process is overwhelming for 17 year olds…we have more experience/etc and we were going to be paying for it. So I wanted affordable + meet their needs
I guess I can theoretically understand it, but am not a fan of applying to many colleges. As long as my kid could go to one college, the worst scenario was over and everything was a bonus – that’s the way you have to think to preserve your sanity. I do agree that in the scheme of a bigger picture, it really doesn’t matter where you go to a college; what matters more is your attitude, motivation and how you handle adversity that is bound to come along the way.
My D applied to one rolling admission and asked for my picks. i researched for many. We discussed about my suggestions. She was going to apply to some of them. Especially for an ED because why waste it? But at the end, I have changed my position.
“Maybe the college you applied really is the best bet for making you a great engineer.”
“Now you see?”
“Ok. Forget about your essays then. You have better things to do.”
I like @intparent’s suggestion of keeping one close to home. We also encouraged our daughter to have schools of different sizes on the list. She initially thought she wanted “small liberal arts” but her thoughts shifted between September and April. Of her final three, two were mid-sized and only one the classic LAC. Good to have options come April in terms of Size, Location & Affordability.
Also like the one parent choice suggestion. Ask her to indulge you.
Ten, fifteen years ago I had a lot of dreams about what my daughter might do when she grew up, where she might go to school.
But she’s not my daughter, he’s my son. I had to adjust a lot of those dreams to get to a place where I’m comfortable. I do privately admit that I’m sad my child won’t be going to a women’s college, but he really wouldn’t be happy at one since he’s still establishing himself in his preferred gender. So I struck Wellesley and Bryn Mawr off the list and I only whine about it online where he probably won’t read about it.
I did fight him a little bit on Vassar. in the end he didn’t want to look at it and I’m (mostly) OK with that. Mostly.