Feeling guilty for steering son to community college

Parents Forum
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<p>While this is true to some extent, not all regions have CCs as good as some of the ones in California. </p>

<p>For the ones in the NYC area, they have the main responsibility for getting remedial students who were unprepared for entry into the local public 4-year colleges up to standard so they could transfer to finish there. While there are some great students there, there are also plenty who drop out within a semester or year due to lack of finances, academic preparedness, motivation, or from a feeling of hopelessness due to seeing so many classmates lacking direction/advising to the point they’re spending 2+ years in the CC system. </p>

<p>I know a few folks who had serious issues with the last and ended up spending far more time than they needed in retrospect because they fell through the cracks or were misadvised as to classes they needed to take.</p>

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<p>One person that I frequently study with is a 40 something graduate of a California community college, who for military obligations, had to move to Oklahoma and start at OU. She feels as though the CC route gives somewhat immature students the opportunity to mature far more than the traditional four year route does because they’re surrounded by people going back to college to further their careers, learn new things, and who just generally want to be there. The fresh out of high school students, who tend to have a better grasp of the material, might study with non traditional students and become more focused both on why they’re going to college and what they can gain from an academic environment.</p>

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<p>He can still get away with stuffing his Blankie in his pillow at OOS :slight_smile: If you can afford it at all, let him take the spot he qualified for on his own. </p>

<p>He should be made aware that not all majors are equal when it comes to ease of paying off debt. Then he can choose wisely. Students often change majors when financial realities set in.</p>

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<p>I think you should let him go to a 4 year university. He has a part-time job that shows responsibility. If he has problems then he can always transfer back to a CC. Also the OOS that he wants to attend might be the best place for him considering he has friends who are going there. As far as the baby blanket. I don’t really see anything wrong with it. Back in the 80’s when I went to college I wasn’t the only girl who brought a stuff animal that sat on my bed.</p>

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<p>Among our three kids it seems to playing out this way (focusing on the educational experience). </p>

<p>The strongest student of our kids (maturity, focus, and go-getism) would probably be fine wherever she went to school given her drive and maturity.</p>

<p>The second strongest will probably be fine almost anywhere but I have concerns if he ends up at a school where he is way stronger than the majority of the students … but that still leaves a ton of schools that are good possibilities. </p>

<p>Our other child was not a very motivated student in high school … not the most confident student … and has a tendency to coast with the crowd … but very smart and curious in the right circumstances. In other words the toughest fit … and not an easy fit to determine.</p>

<p>For our kids if we were going to stretch financially it would be for the third child listed … the most leverage is finding the best educational environmental for him. </p>

<p>(This runs counter to a lot of CC parents who would tend to spend more for their students who have “earned it” through superior HS performance … while we try to find the highest leverage point which often will not be the highest performing HS student).</p>

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<p>Financially, what is the net price difference if the student goes to CC then transfers vs four years at OOS U? Has he been awarded the WUE (it is competitive and you must be selected)? If he doesn’t get the WUE, the issue may be moot, as the cost will be full OOS tuition for 4 years. </p>

<p>Since it sounds like $$$ is an issue, lay it out–net amounts paid by you for each child and net amount available to this S as well as estimated costs for 4 years.</p>

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<p>See [5</a> Reasons Community Colleges Make Sense Right Now - My Money (usnews.com)](<a href=“http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/my-money/2012/05/30/5-reasons-community-colleges-make-sense-right-now]5”>http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/my-money/2012/05/30/5-reasons-community-colleges-make-sense-right-now)

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<p>There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling a kid that the options are the local CC or finding enough scholarship money to bring another institution down to that price range - we did! In the case under discussion, the older sibs landed big scholarships, so this particular kid knows that is possible. He can go looking for the money (and who knows, he might find it) with the requirement that the family’s cost is no more than $X and his debt load is no more than $Y.</p>

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<p>More great advice continues to roll in… thanks everyone for giving me really good things to think about. I think every poster has touched on things we are considering.</p>

<p>$$$ is really important. I think we were in lala land with kid 1. We naively believed the good times would continue. Kid 2 was lucky with college selection ( earned it, but a crap shoot)) and financial aid package made it possible.</p>

<p>S3 is really not as academically gifted as his sibs… But he has a very psychologically great outlook on life. He may indeed prove to be the most gifted in being happy. We value this!</p>

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<p>Based upon your description, my inclination would be to let your S3 make his own decision about what school to attend, given the financial constraints. Tell him how much you are willing and able to spend, and let him make his own decision. You could certainly try to advocate for the community college option. But unless there is a specific concern about him living away from home, such as a mental health issue, I think it is better for a student to take ownership of the college decision.</p>

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<p>The baby blanket is a strawman and has nothing to do with maturity or ability.</p>

<p>My son’s blanket did not stop him from attending a top ranked school or graduating college or getting internships, or gaining acceptance into grad school. </p>

<p>Oh, and my son still sleeps with the blanket and could care less what others think. His girlfriend got over teasing S about the blanket thing 2 years ago, and most likely will end up as my daughter-in-law. </p>

<p>I think the whole situation boils down to paying for college and nothing more. Perhaps visiting the 3.0-3.3 GPA threads will shed a bit of light on what a B student can do and matriculate for college. </p>

<p>My S is like your eldest son, and my D like your youngest, but we’re starting with a plan for her to attend a 4-year college, and if she’s not ready, then we’ll look at community college, as we feel it’s important that she has the same opportunity as her brother, but at a college that fits her B student gpa (lopsided with high ACT), her personality, and her needs. </p>

<p>I never wish for her to state we cared for S more than her, or thought less than her due to her grades, etc. If she throws away the opportunity to attend a 4-year institution, she can never state it was me or my ex-H that stood in her way.</p>

<p>Also, which WUE schools are you looking at for your son to attend? Many from my state flock to University of North Dakota or North Dakota State University because the tuition alone is less than our community colleges, which are direct feeders to our Flag Ship, and less than our directional Us, too. </p>

<p>I just checked and I think the two North Dakota schools offer the same deal to WUE students as they do for students in the Midwest.</p>

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<p>Also, South Dakota State and South Dakota Mines are quite low cost for out-of-state students, WUE or not (WUE might not even be a discount).</p>

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<p>Stuffed animals was commonplace in most dormrooms in the '90s…along with Transformers/GI Joe action figures, WWF figures, Disney cartoons, Barbie dolls<em>, model aircraft</em>*, model robots from the Macross/Robotech and Gundam series, Japanese anime characters, etc. </p>

<ul>
<li>Worked with a biglaw associate whose office was a virtual shrine to Barbie dolls. Any client or colleague would be hard pressed not to notice the wall-to-wall Barbie dolls in their packaging. The office also had a partner who was a USAFA graduate and a large model of an F-15 fighter was the first thing you’d see when you walked into his corner office.<br></li>
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<p>** I had some model planes in my dormroom. Only grief I caught from others was due more to the fact some were military related…not that it was “too childish”. Among the models were those of an F-4 Phantom, A-37 Dragonfly, MiG-23…</p>

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<p>Touchy subject for me but my personal experience is somewhat similar, but not dead-on.
In my college days, right after high school, I coasted year 1 and 2. Admittedly had less than excellent attendance and effort. Got mostly B’s and some c’s. My dad suddenly told me one day that my current quarter was my last. Quit school, get a job.
I did so, and I am now happy in life, but for years I resented his decision to make me quit without warning. Always believing his actions were unfair, as no expectations were ever discussed, before or during college. Still believe that now, though now I have accepted he did what he thought was right. Then and now I agreed I did not put in my best effort but I felt the opportunity to do better was unfairly withdrawn.</p>

<p>If I were S3, and I had heard and experienced for years the hardships and sacrifices for S1 and S2 tuition, I’d darn sure feel slighted if my turn came and parents told me they could not afford it because of what was already spent on S1 and 2. As that s3, the explanation that parents had not previously managed money well enough would be mighty hard to swallow.</p>

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<p>Second post, but… You mention you told him you all couldn’t afford to do certain things because you’re paying (his siblings’) tuition… If you tell him this then don’t give him the same financial advantage you gave his siblings, he’s going to take it as a stinging slap in the face.</p>

<p>Also, Migs are awesome. But I’m more an F4U Corsair person myself.</p>

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<p>Whew. OP mentions S3, at 17, feels like 15. We’ve felt that way about D2. Long story, but she’s always been a couple of years behind her sister in some of the analytical skills and strategic thinking. She used her strengths to adapt, did well for many years, hit some potholes in late hs, but that’s a different topic.</p>

<p>I agree with cobrat that many kids adapt better to college than could be predicted in hs. But, D2, at a challenging college, initially didn’t. With the “two years behind” thing, it took her two years to hit her stride. At the beginning of junior year, she said, “I wish I were just now a freshman.” </p>

<p>It’s a longer story, but it’s not always about matching exactly what you do for each kid. The only constant is: you make the best decisions you can, for each child, as an individual, based on his own patterns and needs. If finances changed, that has an impact. But it’s still about S3.</p>

<p>I’m not advocating either direction for your son. I am saying, it is ok to view his strengths and needs in his own light. We took a risk and knew we were.</p>

<p>And, I don’t think the expenses of the first sons should be brought up. Not as an explanation. It’s more about what you think will work best for him, about “fit,” finding the environment where he can thrive, where any issues he faces can best be dealt with, by that college. In the context of what you can afford, yes. But not making it seem like the coffers are empty, now that he’s on deck.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>We really only paid for the first child. With the recession and a medical illness we lost one income. Medical expenses wiped out much of our savings. We still have not recovered. The second child was well aware of the financial situation and worked hard to be accepted to a top school that would meet 100% need. Student loans ( in child’s name) take care of most extra costs. We basically only cover transportation ( requires air travel) and a monthly allowance. We still sacrifice to just pay for that. I honestly don’t know what we would have done if kiddo didn’t get into that particular college.</p>

<p>You have all made really good points. You have given me a lot of different persepctives and they are appreciated.</p>

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<p>To offer another pov, DH’s parents would not support his choice of schools (he was recruited as an athlete OOS) This manifested in huge debt, no appearance at school, and no ceasing the underlying message that he wasn’t worth the money. Meanwhile, they traveled, bought boats, a new house, and financially supported a ne’er do well sib. Are you ready to forego spending money to support this idea that you don’t have enough to send your son where he can, and wants to, attend? Are you going to tell the siblings they have to sqcrifice for 3, instead of,the other way around? I am a youngest, and it does get old to be the sacrificing one simply by the unlucky birth order.</p>

<p>Let’s try door number three. Support his choice. Partner with him in finding ways to share the finances. Let him have the freedom to try and succeed, or try and fail, or try and move to a CC. He hasn 't done anything bad to deserve this kind of scrutiny, and I have an immature son too, so I do appreciate how that is worrisome, but there’s every chance that give a real choice, he’ll make a good one. Don’t broadcast your worries, OR stop pretending you haven’t made up your mind and stop trying to put a ribbon on this. I think you know what you,ought to do, but you don’t really like that choice because it seems like a waste of money. So find a choice that isn’t either/or.</p>

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<p>Community College then transferring to a 4-year college is a perfectly sound path. But, if it would “crush” him - you might want to further explore other options. Remind him that significant college debt with a less marketable degree could “crush” him too. Best of luck.</p>

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<p>I would start having the conversation now. I would have started the conversation as soon as my financial situation changed in order to give my kids heads up. Your S2 seem to have understood the situation and worked hard to get into a school which was affordable. Did you give your S3 the same information so he/you could come up with a game plan? I agree with younghoss’ sentiment and his resentment towards his father for withdrawing without any warning. In the OP’s case, S3 being immature, may not have understood that good grades was a pre-requisite for going to a 4 year college. The last thing you want S3 to feel is that he was not worth your investment. I also think going to the RIGHT CC with the idea of transferring to a 4 year college is a very sound plan.</p>