<p>I am a parent of 3 children. The oldest did very well in school and went to a top 20 university. This child worked part time on campus, took out 15,00 in loans ( total) and mom and dad paid the rest. Child recently graduated and has a very good job. During this time, we were hard hit by the recession and we now have little savings left.</p>
<p>Child number two did AMAZING in school and was accepted to an elite school with very generous financial aide. Child will graduate with 30,000 in debt, for a 200,000+ education. We are not too worried with child's ability to pay off the loans. We are able to help very little but are offering what we can.</p>
<p>Child number 3 is a good, but not great student. He has ADD and a learning disability. He has done ok in school (3.3 GPA and average SAT scores) and participates in school activities and does homework without prompting. He does not take honors or AP classes. He is definitely not as a self motivated as older siblings but has many other wonderful qualities to bring to the table. </p>
<p>Here is the dilemma.... Child number 3 wants to go to an OOS college that offers the preferred major and is not super expensive. We have already discussed going to instate and he has reluctantly agreed. At this point however, I know we will not be able to afford much, even with financial aid. He is also a little emotionally immature and I'm not sure he'll be ready to live on his own. Mom and dad feel community college is the best and most affordable option. He could then transfer to a 4 year. We are feeling guilty because he has always felt like he never could live up to the successes ( academics, sports, music) of his older siblings and we don't want to put the nail in that coffin. He'll be crushed if we push community college.</p>
<p>We could possibly afford a 4 year but it would put us in debt and we are older parents. On the other hand, We don't want son to think we don't believe in him. </p>
<p>Reread your own post, Limewine, and ask yourself, “If I were reading this post instead of writing it, what advice would you give?” I think that between your description of son #3 and your financial circumstances, you already know what’s right. But you want some reassurance.</p>
<p>You’ve given several valid reasons for you to steer this son toward community college to start.</p>
<p>One size does not fit all. I’m really not convinced that my S2 is college material - he’s bright but not motivated - but neither he nor DH will hear of anything else. I can understand why your youngest may feel slighted by being steered toward community college, but Mom and Dad need to think of their futures too.</p>
<p>Which is the greater motivating factor - the expense for you or your feeling that #3 is not emotionally ready? I also have three kids and I try to treat them equally financially, so I would also be having a tough time thinking this through but I think you need to really get to the heart of why you want him at home and at CC for 2 years as opposed the financially feasible OSS school you mention that is not super expensive and make sure your motivation is that he is “not ready” to leave the nest. If you can honestly say that #3 needs two more years at home then I think you have your answer.</p>
<p>It seems it would be a matter of how much debt he was willing to take on. In State with Financial aid and him working part time when he is in school and socking away money while working in the summer and winter break might have that decision be more reasonable.
Community College is perfectly fine also. There’s nothing wrong with that path and it is also a measurement of the effort and sacrifice a young person is willing to make. I know many successful people who took this route.</p>
<p>Yes, the OPs other two also took on some debt so how much debt the OPs #3 should be a consideration. Perhaps the OP could also talk to #3 about the budget - how much was paid for the other 2, how much they took on in debt and involve 3 in the discussion regarding what staying home and CC for two years means with regard to 3’s last two years of college and debt post college. Because the OP’s 3 will engage on the debt part and then the OP won’t have to bring up the “immaturity” card which goes over like a led balloon with 17 and 18 year olds even if the OP thinks that is the primary reason.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the excellent advise! I have some thinking to do.</p>
<p>More info…
If number 3 had been an only child I know we would have sent him to a 4 year ( and I would have probably pushed the academics harder). He is mature enough to not skip class, go partying, or waste money. He has ADD but not ADHD, so we dont see a lot of the problems that go along with that. Emotionally…he is a little gullible and wears his heart on his sleave. At 17 he seems like a 15 year old in this department ( this compared to other boys).</p>
<p>The OOS( directional) is more expensive than the instate college but with the WUE the price is close. Many of his friends have chosen this particular OOS for the major they are pursuing. They are a really great group of kids and academically very similar to my son. It would be hard to say," but you haven’t got the grades,…the SAT scores,…" when he fits right in with this group. </p>
<p>We are not comfortable with him taking on a lot of debt because with his intended major, I don’t foresee a big income down the road. He understands the sacrifices we have all had to make with older sibs in college. He has been hearing, “we’ll we can’t do this or that, because we have to pay tuition” for awhile. I don’t know that emotionally he would understand that we just can’t afford it for him ( he is not spoiled, just… young for his age).</p>
<p>Last but not least…mom and dad are not worried about empty nest syndrome. We have a great marriage and are looking forward to time alone. However, child 3 is not a handful, has a part time job, and easily entertains himself. </p>
<p>I guess we are grappling more with the lower effort and intended major on top of finances.</p>
<p>Carefully couch this with the knowledge OP has of S3 and the fact most teens…especially headstrong young boys will feel their parents/family are slighting them on some level anyways. There may also be issues of sibling rivalry jealousy as he’ll inevitably…and not without some reasonable justification ask “Why were my older bros given a chance to prove themselves and I’m not?”. </p>
<p>Am saying this as a thirtysomething who was once that young 16-17 year old teen whose father did express concerns about his academic capability at a private LAC on a near-full ride FA/scholarship because his HS GPA was in the bottom 25% of the admitted pool despite having attended an academically rigorous magnet HS. It has been a sore point a little while during undergrad when my undergrad performance consistently proved him wrong over all 4 years and was the near polar opposite of my HS transcript.</p>
<p>Our S got great merit and went to expensive private U with our blessing and funding. D left HS after JR year and started CC, as that was the only place prepared to receive her (we weren’t notified she wasn’t going on to SR year by the HS until too late to apply to Us). </p>
<p>We never felt we were slighting D by having her start with 3 terms at CC (where she lived at home and did well, while applying to an OOS U). It worked out well for her and us. </p>
<p>I’d recommend sitting down with your S and laying out the options, including the net amount you can contribute towards his education and net amounts you paid towards sibs eds. Good luck!</p>
<p>I am going to disagree with the majority here. I think it would be unfair to your son to not provide the opportunity to attend a 4-year university from the get-go, as you did to his brothers. It is fine to say, “we can afford this much” and let him know what his share will be. I don’t believe in bancrupting oneself for a student’s college education, but it seems that if he goes instate and takes out some loans and works, and you take on some debt, the costs won’t be too high. If you don’t, you may find that there will be long-lasting resentment between the brothers and between your son and you.</p>
Does that community college send many students to 4-year schools? Do those transfer students successful in the 4-year school?</p>
<p>If the CC is a good school, you have nothing to feel guilty about. All of my kids started in a community college and have been doing well in 4-year schools.</p>
<p>I’m going to agree with anxiousmom. It sounds like it’s more a question of finances than of his not being ready. If the finances really, truly don’t allow it, that’s one thing, but if it’s at all doable, then I think it smacks of using his lesser accomplishments as an excuse to disallow a plan that would be fine for him, but not financially as comfortable. I think if the change in finances is the reason, you’d be better off to be honest to him (though still expecting some resentment considering the spending on his siblings) than to couch it in terms of his not-as-stellar stats.</p>
<p>If it’s at all doable to let him go to the school he wants (the OOS with his major), from your description, it seems sort of churlish not to afford him the opportunity. Frankly, it sounds like you’re trying to talk yourself into his immaturity in order to avoid that choice. I might be wrong, so forgive my assumptions if I am, but that’s what I’m getting from your posts.</p>
I really don’t think so. Just tell the kid you will buy him a nice car if he graduates from CC and 4-year school.
Remember, all roads lead to Rome.</p>
<p>Ok the immaturity thing…he still has his baby blanket. We all ( mom,dad, older sibs) give him a bad time about it. He took it to summer camp last year, hidden in his pillowcase.</p>
<p>Depends on the kid. Considering the OP already feels S3 is the least accomplished of the sons and I doubt he/she is able to conceal that from S3, it wouldn’t surprise me if S3 feels the “nice car” promise may be a mirage at best because he measures short compared with his older siblings.</p>
<p>Moreover, considering even state college costs are skyrocketing, it may not feel to him like full recompense for missing out on the 4-year college experience and more importantly, the serious blow to one’s pride.</p>
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<p>Heh, I still get declared immature because I love watching cartoons and childhood shows like The A-Team. </p>
<p>Personally, I feel those who make such judgments are a bit too stuffy and need to be a bit more “live and let live” as such personal pastimes are harmless unless taken to extremes…AS WITH MOST THINGS.</p>
<p>The community college route is a great route. I took this route and its less of a financial burden. There are a lot of opportunities in CC of you are willing to better yourself. At my CC there are many people who transfer to UCLA,UCB and other top privates. My community college has managed to send someone to Stanford every year.
It’s not a bad route, and I dislike how there is a sock stigma around community colleges it is not bad. I forgot where I was reading may have been for UC schools but it was statistically proven that CC are better off during their junior and senior years then typical HS applicants. There are honors programs at community colleges and Transfer Admission Guarantee (TAG) well at least for the UC schools other than (Berkeley and LA which do not offer that) but you and or son should explore community college a bit.)</p>