I’m currently a junior at a very small private school in the south. The workload is very easy and there are only CP and Honors classes. At the beginning of the school year, I attended my state’s governor’s school. I could handle the work, but I was dealing with a lot of unresolved issues with my parents at the time, so my grades tanked. I stayed there for about two months and left at the beginning of the second quarter. My parents then sent me to my district’s public school, which I hated. I begged my parents to let me start online school, but they wouldn’t let me. I was so depressed at the time that I ended up in a psychiatric ward during my Christmas break. Once I came back, I told my parents that I did not want to go to school. My mom was very upset and offered to pay for me to attend the next two quarters at a different private school. I didn’t really want to go, but I knew that my parents would not let me stay in their house without going to school. A couple of weeks ago, an incident occurred at school, which my teacher emailed my parents. I would get dropped off at school and not attend. I only attended school for two days (Monday and Friday). During the meeting, I brought up how I wanted to withdraw, but my family and teachers advised against it. I would receive WPs on my transcript and possible a failing grade for the online Government course that I take online. I just don’t really care anymore. I used to love school and study religiously. Now, I barely even study for major tests. I technically still have all As at my school right now, but I’m not trying my hardest. The situation has even lead my mom to kicking me out there house for a few hours, calling the cops, taking my phone, turning off the WIFI, hiding my depression medicine, taking my bedroom door off the hinge, and bribing me to go to school. I have been going to my therapist and voicing my feelings, but I still feel like I’m in a funk. I had such high hopes for my junior year. I was going to apply to these prestigious programs (RSI, SSP) and starting research in the summer, but due to my poor grades at the time and the stress of life I didn’t even try. I understand how hard it is to get into these programs, but I would never know the outcome because I didn’t apply. I also wanted to participate in Biology olympiad, but I didn’t pay to take the test. I can technically do some of those things my senior year, but my junior year has even lowered my small chance at attending a T20. My whole life has been based on following a strict path to achieve my goals, but I feel as if I already ruined it. My dream is not really attainable anymore and I don’t really know how to process this. I know it sounds silly and I could probably get into any state school due to my GPA and test scores, but I don’t want to stay in state. As a minority, it is really has to deal with a lot of prejudices on a daily basis. I really wish I could do my junior year over.
I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. There is a lot to consider from what you’ve written, but the priority above all should be your mental health. This includes your feeling of safety at home. I hope you have trusted people to talk to (including trusted people who you can talk to about other trusted people in your life, knowing their first priority is your happiness rather their relationship with the other authority figures or your academic standing). I think with the three-legged stool of your therapist, schools counselors, and parents you are in a pretty solid place but it would be absolutely reasonable to reach out to other trusted adults for additional support (extended family, parents of good friends, etc.) It’s more important to find your way out of the funk (with help) than to worry about the ramifications of missed science opportunities. You can get to where you need to go, and maybe it’s state school (which is awesome especially for sciences) but you haven’t closed doors on other opportunities either. Just off the top of my head I think things like research or gap year could be considerations but only AFTER stabilizing your emotional well-being. Hugs!
I agree that you need to get your mental health in order. School is important, and I would encourage you to go ahead and do the best you can at this moment and go to class, but your mental health is what you really need to be taking care of.
Talk to your therapist or medication manager. The medication you are taking now may not be a good match for your needs. There are many different ones to try, or you may need your dose adjusted. Are you having any thoughts of harming yourself? If so, please tell your therapist immediately and tell your mom and dad too. Depression sucks and from what you have written it sounds like you are having a major episode. That unmotivated feeling is Depression from where I sit. Please know that there are people who care about you and want you to feel good!
You definitely have not already ruined anything. There is no one correct path in life. There are many ways to get to where you want to go and there are many great colleges to help you get to where you want to be, but I would definitely not worry about college right now. Concentrate on getting better mentally. Stay off the internet as much as possible. Get fresh air and exercise. Eat lots of fruits and veggies. Watch a funny movie and laugh with your family and friends. Talk to your therapist weekly, take your meds, do some yoga with breath work. Consider doing some volunteer work. Do everything you can to take care of yourself, and don’t watch/read/listen to the news. You gotta curate that stuff for yourself or it will send you down the deep dark hole.
Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend or family member who was going through a hard time. Encourage yourself and cut out the negative self-talk.