<p>Trying for montclair state, hopefully this will get me by my 2.9 gpa and 1480 sats.
*THE BLANK AREAS I STILL NEED TO PUT SOMETHING IN. ANY IDEAS ARE MUCH APPRECIATED. </p>
<pre><code> It has been said that the business of America is business. This is especially true now, as we see the economic results of cutthroat, mismanaged corporations that have had a tremendous destructive impact on America.
Although times are difficult, the concept of business has had a significant effect on me throughout high school.
As a student of Montclair State University I hope to continue to develop an business/sense while I learn the principles of the______. Currently Im a front line supervisor at Bjs Wholesale Club. Ive been employed there for over 15 months, and my duties include personal customer service, and assisting other employees with an optimistic, upbeat attitude. This has strengthened my ____ ability to deal with peole and to solve challenging situations. Additionally, I am a communications officer in our high school DECA club. This gives me the opportunity to provide into and connect _______. The university is located within close proximity to Bjs, and I will be able to continue my employment as both monetary and experiential aid to my education. I will enjoy taking Business Administration and management courses that I will utilize in my on the training, as well.
I am very proud that I will be the first in my family to pursue a college degree. I did not recognize the importance of scholastic achievement in my younger years, but since my junior year, I have sharpened my focus and emphasis on academic success. I have developed a higher academic outlook and strengthened my time management skills to improve my scholastic performance. I believe now is when my true determination and leadership as an individual Is self evident in my class work and attitude. I see my future and want to take every opportunity to achieve my goal to succeed in business and in life. Certainly, graduating from Montclair State will be a ________ to my achievement.
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<p>Good. Remove the blank & just write "my ability to..." In the last blank you may want to consider the word "testament". Also it is not "an business" use "a business". Just noticed that you have designated this as your final draft; there are too many minor grammatical & phrasing errors for this to be a final draft.
While I learn the principles of "management" or "marketing and management". Delete the word "the" before adding "management"--if that is your intended meaning.</p>
<p>I think it's a bit too formal. Not enough of your personality comes through. </p>
<p>Would you consider starting with the "first person in the family" piece?</p>
<p>Why are you interested in business? Just answer in plain language. </p>
<p>Can you talk about how your job at BJ's has influenced you? Can you cite a specific instance when in helping a customer do X, you realized the importance of Y?</p>
<p>You have a compelling personal story which somehow is lost in a recitation of facts. Presumably, elsewhere in the application you will have listed the salient facts of your work at BJ's Club, duration, hours/wk. and your role (supervisor with responsibility for________). So, there is no need to recite these again in the essay. Same applies to communications officer of the DECA club.</p>
<p>The first paragraph -- your view of the state of US business today -- works if you intended this to be an intellectual discussion on the shortcomings of US CEOs. However, this is really a personal statement, and as such a poor fit.</p>
<p>I suggest you rewrite the essay, featuring yourself -- Here, I am, a high school student who for the past two years has been holding down a real job. Not only that, but I have done well enough to be promoted to supervisor. I am (presumably) training new staff, responsible for a team of ____ people. Here's what helped me succeed; here are the lessons_____. And, by the way, I have come to have a sharper appreciation for academic achievement. Work has helped drive my motivation to succeed at school, as my grades from junior year show....While family circumstances may have necessitated my working, I am grateful for.......And, I am determined to be the first in my family to go to college and succeed......</p>