Revision needs critiquing.

College Essays
1

<p>i uploaded the wrong draft before had another thread by mistake. this is the one.
in the blank if anyone can give me an idea its much appreciated. </p>

<pre><code> It has been said that the business of America is business. This is especially true now, as we see the economic results of cutthroat, mismanaged corporations that have had a tremendous destructive impact on America.
Although times are difficult, the concept of business has had a significant effect on me throughout high school. Currently I’m a front line supervisor at Bj’s Wholesale Club, and I have been employed there for over 15 months, my, duties include providing customer service, and assisting other employees with an optimistic, upbeat attitude, when dealing with difficult situations
This experience has strengthened my ability to deal with people and to solve challenging situations. Additionally, I am a communications officer in our high school DECA club. This gives me the opportunity to provide into and connect _______.
As a student of Montclair State University I hope to continue to develop a business/sense while I learn the principles of management The University is located within close proximity to Bj’s, and I will be able to continue my employment as both monetary and experiential aid to my education. I will enjoy taking Business Administration and management courses that I will utilize in my on the training, as well.
I am very proud that I will be the first in my family to pursue a college degree. I did not recognize the importance of scholastic achievement in my younger years, but since my junior year, I have sharpened my focus and emphasis on academic success. I have developed a higher academic outlook and strengthened my time management skills to improve my scholastic performance. I believe now is when my true determination and leadership as an individual Is self evident in my class work and attitude. I see my future and want to take every opportunity to achieve my goal to succeed in business and in life. Certainly, graduating from Montclair State will be a testament to my achievement.
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2

<p>Try writing in a more dynamic voice. Get rid of all forms of passive voice (example: "it is raining" is passive, "the rain poured down" is active). Get rid of standard transitions like "additionally."
Otherwise, a good essay. But a tip...it's better to ask people to edit your essay, then PM it to them. Don't just post it in the plain sight of 1000 people where whoever wanted to could steal it (But don't worry, most people on CC are nice and honest, so i doubt anyone will)
GOOD LUCK!! ;)</p>