finding the right school

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>I'm new to posting but have been helped by the boards immensely over the past few months. My 8th grade ds will be happily heading off to bs in the fall. </p>

<p>As I think back over what I've learned from the long process of applying, what has surprised me most is what a good fit for a school is really all about.</p>

<p>In our case, for example, when we were first looking at schools, overwhelmed by all the choices, we narrowed the search to schools that were Episcopalian (because we are), had good FA (which meant 3 HADES and one smaller but less competitive school where we thought he'd get aid for merit reasons), and had the sport at which my son excelled. DS's bs met only one of those criteria (good FA). In fact, looking at that school was really an afterthought--something about it just caught both his attention and mine and, despite his father's grumbling, we added it to the list. </p>

<p>Long story, short, he loved their materials, had a fabulous interview, hit it off with his guide and got in. He was waitlisted at 2 other HADES schools and got into the smaller school, as expected, with very decent FA. He really couldn't care less, it turns out, that he won't be able to do his sport, despite the success he's had in it over the years. </p>

<p>In retrospect, I think that while we somehow lucked into the best school for ds, if I did it again, I'd cast the net wider, request materials from any school that looked even remotely interesting and interview at twice as many. Why? Because schools that we thought fit best on paper (match for sports, faith, etc.) were really not the best fits at all. His dad and I still wouldn't pick this school first, but ds said that from the minute he looked at the admissions materials, it just seemed like the school for him. And he's the one going, not us, so that's what matters!</p>

<p>Fit, it seems, is something much more intangible than my rational brain would like to think--but the kids know it when they feel it, and I think we, as parents, maybe need to trust their instincts. And while we can all talk stats--SSAT, EC's, grades--until we're blue in the face, in the end, I'm guessing most kids get into schools--whether one or five--because they and the school realize it's where they will belong. Not that the schools might not sometimes make mistakes--in our case, though, I think they were all right on--including the schools that waitlisted him.</p>

<p>So what do the rest of you think? How do you find the school that fits the child?</p>

2

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<p>There is a certain amout of serendipity about it, isn’t there? And trusting ones instincts. That, and casting the net wide enough so that you have a chance of the right fish jumping in.</p>

<p>I’ve yet to find the right fit for my son, so I can’t speak from experience - other than my own as a BS student many years ago. It does seem, though, that planning & design need to take a back seat to instinct.</p>

<p>BTW, classicalmama, kudos to you and your family on your success!!!</p>

3

<p>There is no scientific process that can be applied no matter how my little techie brain tried to spreadsheet it, and quantify it.</p>

<p>Finding a school is sometimes harder than finding a mate. Every school looks good on paper but what really counts most is whether the student feels an affinity for the place after a school visit. Some tug at the heartstrings more than others.</p>

<p>We narrowed down our list to 6. Two of the schools were chosen serendipitously. In the first case, my daughter knew a student who attended the school - I was impressed with the young lady and asked my daughter to consider it as an option. In another case, as I drove on to campus that was very different from the others she chose I said, “how’d you pick this one out of all the other options?” And she said she and her dad called for an information packet, got a really good vibe from the way they were treated on the phone and put it on the short list. Turned out to be one of my favorites. I observed the way the staff treated her, but more than that, I observed the way she was responding - smiling, asking lots of questions, hit it off with the guide as if they’d been friends forever. Just felt right. Still - one of her favorite schools - a third choice - turned her down. She was a bit down until she got the acceptance letters from other schools a few days later. Then she was beaming and floating.</p>

<p>So no science - only gut feel. And sometimes you give something up you think you want and get something better in return.</p>

<p>My husband recommended a book called the “Gift of Fear” where it talks about how humans override their instincts by rationalizing their analysis. Adding intellectual arguments even though something just doesn’t “feel” right. Apply that to BS decisions - people who override the best “fit” for their kids because another school had better “stats” or was more “prestigious” or was the school that everyone else wanted.</p>

<p>You know what - my kid will be away from me for 3 years. More if she attends college out of state. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. I want her in an environment where the students and teachers like her as much as she likes them. We’ve got two great choices and a possible third.</p>

<p>We’re lucky to have options. I think, sometimes, if we listen to the universe, we’ll get the right answers if we let go of “logic” and listen to our hearts.</p>

4

<p>Hi Exie!
I have been following along with some of your postings. I will definitely look into that book. Sometimes it is hard to listen to the universe, and not know what is the true voice, and what is just overworrying and overthinking? This educational journey has been unbelievable thus far.</p>

5

<p>I agree that fit is important. We went through ABC and had our eye on three schools. When my DD got referred to six schools, we had to do some more research on the other three. Turns out one didn’t work with our schedule (these are day schools) so we crossed that one off the list. One of the others we hadn’t considered because of location, but once we learned more about the school, we found we could make it work (and it became her 3rd choice). The other we had heard of, it is actually one of the most popular day schools (was her 5th choice).</p>

<p>DD ended up getting waitlisted at two on our original list, accepted to only one of the original schools we were looking at (waitlisted for FA), but got FA (full need) at the two schools we added later after referral. DD decided on the one that we hadn’t considered due to location, but she felt really at home there during her visit. I also liked the “vibe” of the school. While she couldn’t go to her first or second choice, I really feel like she is a great match for this school and neither one of us feels like she is “missing out” by not going to one of her original three picks.</p>

<p>She is so excited for Sept. 1 so she can start at her new school.</p>

6

<p>To my surprise, my daughter didn’t like Andover very much on any of her visits. Her revisit day student wasn’t a good match, and she was skeptical about many aspects. She was waitlisted at the school she liked more (note to applicants: don’t write an admissions essay about how much you love a sport that the school doesn’t offer :)) and had a great option for day school. But she chose to go to Andover anyway. Why? She knew Andover had the toughest academics of all her options, and it’s her personality to go for the biggest challenge. Maybe that’s an example of fit, even though it doesn’t match up with the good-vibe-on-visit kind of fit. After almost 2 yrs, she’s thriving there, and the tough academics and many options are exactly right for her.</p>

7

<p>Interesting, lemondade. I have read another CC’er mention a “mismatch” on re-visit day. It sounds like Andover is not doing a particularly good job in matching the re-visit student hosts with the prospective students. However, your perspective on “fit” makes sense to me. “fit” is really more than impressions, “feel” and “vibe”. Careful analyses of an indiviudal and the school’s strengths and how the individual can benifit from what the school has to offer count something important too even if sometimes the “gut feeling” says otherwise.</p>

8

<p>Okay, I’m the one who posted earlier about trusting ones instincts (and is there, or is there not supposed to be an apostrophe in “one’s”?) . . . but when panic sets in, instinct goes out the window (which is why I can’t even punctuate anymore).</p>

<p>My kid really does not want to go back to his same school next year. Since he only applied to three other schools and wasn’t admitted, we’re facing a choice between late applications and just blowing it off and trying again next year. I’m a strong proponent of late app’s - I figure that until the schools tell us otherwise, anything is possible. The advantage to waiting until next year is that he’d be able to apply to many more schools, including the ones that didn’t admit him this year. (See, here I know there’s not supposed to be an apostrophe in “ones”!)</p>

<p>My concern is that his inclination right now (if he files late app’s) is to go anywhere that accepts him . . . even if it’s not quite the right school for him. Yes, I know that if he’s fortunate enough to actually get in somewhere, I shouldn’t complain . . . and obviously I’m getting way ahead of myself since he hasn’t even applied yet . . . but I’m concerned that his natural good sense won’t prevail in his rush to go anywhere that might take him.</p>

<p>Okay, now that I’ve written this, I can see how stupid it looks. If those of you who read it can refrain from pointing that out to me, I’d appreciate it. Actually, it’s stupid enough that I probably shouldn’t post it, but I still need help with the punctuation. :slight_smile: In the meantime, I’ll just go back to taking things one step at a time.</p>

9

<p>It’s not stupid at all! I think you raise a very good point; namely, that you don’t want him going to ANY school that accepts him just because it’s not his local school. Our family was in that somewhat “desperate” situation in that we had to find an alternative. He “solved” the any school is better than what we have problem by ONLY applying to schools that he really loved.</p>

<p>My advice is to keep that in mind. It’s hard to face another year at a school that doesn’t work. It’s what my son faced when he was WLed last year. He gave himself about a week to brood and feel sorry for himself and then decided that he couldn’t wait around to be taught. If he wanted to learn, he was going to have to do it on his own and that’s what he did. I don’t know that he would have been successful this year had he not been unsuccessful last year. (does THAT make sense at all?) But if you find a school for him that is willing to take a late app AND that he really, honestly loves, then go for it! Watch his reactions and see if the enthusiasm is genuine or not. I don’t know how easy your son is to “read.” Mine tends to be an open book. </p>

<p>I totally understand your concern. You don’t want him just escaping his present school. You want him at the “right” school. I guess this is where you have to trust the process and see what happens. If I were in your position, I would be doing the same thing. I would have the same concerns.</p>

10

<p>Happy is key. I loved my school but it was my decision to go. I used the hear some dorm mates sobbing on the phone late at night because they were “put” there, not chose to be there and wanting to go home. Now BS are more astute at judging that. And I let my own child decide where she felt “the fit.”</p>

<p>That’s why it’s so good to read these boards and hear parents say they got into a popular school but may be choosing a different one. That’s the best gift to give a child.</p>

<p>Schools don’t have to be HADES to be good or for the student to be happy. If you can, do late admissions and tour the campus. Then watch your child’s reaction to the experience. That will tell you a lot. </p>

<p>Reading a catalogue or viewbook is hard - seeing the schools up close and personal is key.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

11

<p>dodgersmom - We were in the same situation last year (2 rejections and a wait list). It took some time for us to get over the initial shock of rejection and the hope we placed in the wait list. Mid April we started talking to our son about other options. We had visited 11 schools and applied to 3. In our discussions, our son kept mentioning 2 schools we had already toured. We decided to get on the phone and after positive feedback we went back and revisited. The revisits really helped us. We already knew what to expect and were able to dig deeper into whether it was the right fit. Is there any chance you can take your son to see other schools before you make a decision to keep him home next year? The 2nd round of admissions is a lot different than the first. Within 2 weeks we had choices. Decisions are made quickly and Admissions Officers are very upfront about your chances.</p>

12

<p>neatoburrito, Exie, Chelsea1 - Thank you! And, yes, I agree, Chelsea . . . I think visits are the key to this. Luckily, most the schools we’re considering are within relatively easy driving distance. So I guess it’s time for a road trip! I think most of the schools will start doing tours & visits again after the 15th . . . that seems a long time to wait, but I’ll make some calls & see what the AOs have to say!</p>

13

<p>dodgersmom, we’ve been homeschoolers since ds was in kindergarten, so as I read your post, that option couldn’t help but pop into my brain :slight_smile: If you can swing it, homeschooling might make a great transitional option–an opportunity to do an interesting year-long project (explore on of those passions bs’s love to see!) or just try out a boarding school type course of study (which is what we did). On the other hand, it’s a royal pain to put together a school report form…and homeschooling a 14yo presents its own set of challenges…so maybe I should just keep quiet!</p>

<p>Like neatoburrito, my ds was waitlisted at Groton last year. I found that ds was way more focused on doing what it would take to get in this year–wrote better essays, studied more for the ssat etc. He also went into interviews with a clearer sense of what they were about and, I think, could present himself better. In some ways, it’s nice to have a do-over year!</p>

14

<p>DodgerMom,
I feel you and could relate. My son did not get into the first choice day school, and the back up one is a lot more money, and doesn’t have courses in his unique academic interest, but he likes the social life. He doesn’t want to go back to his current school. Because he is in 6th grade, I have to tread carefullly. He’s too old to “spin it” and he’s too young to discuss things like a 16 year old…I am so confused!</p>

15

<p>Thanks to all of you for posting over the winter- really helped us through a stressful time!</p>

<p>As to finding the right school - my 15 year old daughter is heading off to 10th grade next year at her first choice - we’ll see if it was the right one. I don’t know if our “method” is replicable, since we did everything just before each deadline, but for what it’s worth, we spread a fairly wide net - 5 schools, each one of them very different in practice - size, location (close to New York, close to Boston, in between New England, Midwest), sports vs arts, scores vs whole child, etc etc etc. </p>

<p>We had a couple of “must haves” on the list - decent academics, ability to deal with kids who are very strong in one subject but not so strong in another, some distance from home in order to promote independence, and a decent program in her favorite sport, ice hockey. Beyond that, though, it was going for the gut feel. </p>

<p>At 3 of the 5 schools, I felt a true commitment on their part to excellence - and an understanding that the magic lies in getting to excellence, not excellence in itself. Process, rather than results. </p>

<p>I do think that asking about the process aspect helps you understand the school - it’s what we looked for when we went looking for kindergarten, and the idea seems to have steered us right so far. Not every kid is perfect (!), but every kid can improve, and improvement can be more motivational than achievement. As a side benefit, if the organization is dedicated to improvement, then there is a good chance that the other students’ attitudes will be the ones you would like your own kid to be with. Nothing’s 100% sure, but it helps. </p>

<p>This morning my daughter was clearing out a bunch of old papers, including what seems to be every boarding school catelog known to man (she went to the local boarding school fair on her own, and came away with literature!). She was reading through the catelog to my old school (not her first choice), and she said, referring to her new school’s leadership program - “Mom, what I like about where I’m going to be is that it has a lot of structure, but at the same time it gives you the most freedom.” The other thing she said was that “the girls I met are really fun - and they study their brains out.” I can’t argue with that!</p>

<p>If I were doing it over again, I think I would:</p>

<p>a) not schedule 4 of her 5 visits in the week before her mid terms (great move, mom). </p>

<p>b) make sure she visited at least one class at each school - she spent a full day at the school which turned out to be first choice, and half a day at another, and we felt like we had a good understanding there. At the other 3 schools, it was more of a guess. At 2 of those 3, she clicked with the tour guide, but at the last one, she and the tour guide just didn’t seem to have much in common. So our conclusion was, rightly or wrongly, it wasn’t a fit. </p>

<p>What did work, and I will do again with my son (age 13) who will be applying next year - </p>

<p>a) - resist the urge to apply to the “names” just because they’re the names. They may be a fit, in which case, you can put your hand on your heart and tell the AO “I love what you do, take my kid”. But they may not be a fit. I went to one of the “names”. We visited. It was a fit for me, it wasn’t a fit for my daughter. It may or may not be a fit for my son - we’ll find out. But either way, don’t worry yourself - its a huge country, with some great people in it. Not all of them are at one school. </p>

<p>b) - figure out, as a parent, what is in your kid’s long term interests. If you are pretty clear in your own mind about why it’s a good idea for your kid to go, they will know it too. They may not tell you, but they’ll know it. </p>

<p>c) - take the essays seriously. My daughter learned a lot about herself by having to sit down and write these things out. Even at the school which was most clearly not a fit, the essay question was a great one - and she has a clearer vision of who she is after writing it. </p>

<p>It is going to kill me to see her go - but, knowing how much good my own boarding school experience did for me - academics, sports, arts, hard-won confidence - I can’t not let her get that too.</p>

16

<p>Thanks to all of you for posting over the winter- really helped us through a stressful time!</p>

<p>As to finding the right school - my 15 year old daughter is heading off to 10th grade next year at her first choice - we’ll see if it was the right one. I don’t know if our “method” is replicable, since we did everything just before each deadline, but for what it’s worth, we spread a fairly wide net - 5 schools, each one of them very different in practice - size, location (close to New York, close to Boston, in between New England, Midwest), sports vs arts, scores vs whole child, etc etc etc. </p>

<p>We had a couple of “must haves” on the list - decent academics, ability to deal with kids who are very strong in one subject but not so strong in another, some distance from home in order to promote independence, and a decent program in her favorite sport, ice hockey. Beyond that, though, it was going for the gut feel. </p>

<p>At 3 of the 5 schools, I felt a true commitment on their part to excellence - and an understanding that the magic lies in getting to excellence, not excellence in itself. Process, rather than results. </p>

<p>I do think that asking about the process aspect helps you understand the school - it’s what we looked for when we went looking for kindergarten, and the idea seems to have steered us right so far. Not every kid is perfect (!), but every kid can improve, and improvement can be more motivational than achievement. As a side benefit, if the organization is dedicated to improvement, then there is a good chance that the other students’ attitudes will be the ones you would like your own kid to be with. Nothing’s 100% sure, but it helps. </p>

<p>This morning my daughter was clearing out a bunch of old papers, including what seems to be every boarding school catelog known to man (she went to the local boarding school fair on her own, and came away with literature!). She was reading through the catelog to my old school (not her first choice), and she said, referring to her new school’s leadership program - “Mom, what I like about where I’m going to be is that it has a lot of structure, but at the same time it gives you the most freedom.” The other thing she said was that “the girls I met are really fun - and they study their brains out.” I can’t argue with that!</p>

<p>If I were doing it over again, I think I would:</p>

<p>a) not schedule 4 of her 5 visits in the week before her mid terms (great move, mom). </p>

<p>b) make sure she visited at least one class at each school - she spent a full day at the school which turned out to be first choice, and half a day at another, and we felt like we had a good understanding there. At the other 3 schools, it was more of a guess. At 2 of those 3, she clicked with the tour guide, but at the last one, she and the tour guide just didn’t seem to have much in common. So our conclusion was, rightly or wrongly, it wasn’t a fit. </p>

<p>What did work, and I will do again with my son (age 13) who will be applying next year - </p>

<p>a) - resist the urge to apply to the “names” just because they’re the names. They may be a fit, in which case, you can put your hand on your heart and tell the AO “I love what you do, take my kid”. But they may not be a fit. I went to one of the “names”. We visited. It was a fit for me, it wasn’t a fit for my daughter. It may or may not be a fit for my son - we’ll find out. But either way, don’t worry yourself - its a huge country, with some great people in it. Not all of them are at one school. </p>

<p>b) - figure out, as a parent, what is in your kid’s long term interests. If you are pretty clear in your own mind about why it’s a good idea for your kid to go, they will know it too. They may not tell you, but they’ll know it. </p>

<p>c) - take the essays seriously. My daughter learned a lot about herself by having to sit down and write these things out. Even at the school which was most clearly not a fit, the essay question was a great one - and she has a clearer vision of who she is after writing it. </p>

<p>It is going to kill me to see her go - but, knowing how much good my own boarding school experience did for me - academics, sports, arts, hard-won confidence - I can’t not let her get that too.</p>

17

<p>What a thoughtful response, SSACD–wish it had been there last year for me to read. </p>

<p>What I think I’d do differently that I didn’t state clearly in my last post, is actually ask my son what was important to him, rather than assume I knew (duh!) For example, we assumed the sport he was best at, getting the most attention for, was one thing he couldn’t do without. It turned out that academics and location were WAY more important. And so much, I agree, depends on those visits–the longer, the better, I think!</p>

18

<p>Well, we have decided to send our son back to his current school, and not attend his back up day school choice that he did get into. It it is too expensive, and not better than most public schools in the area…so what would be the point?! I have learne a lot! he is not thrilled about returning to his current school after we were all excited that he got into his back up school (rejected at first choice)…I now know, not to be fooled by slick catalogues and mission statements, but to look beyond all the P.R. fluff…and always love every school you apply to. Parents as well!</p>

19

<p>One more thing…We will be looking at Boarding Schools for ninth grade entry!</p>