<p>Is this paper doomed, or should I continue it.. Thanks</p>
<p>This is really isnt happening is it, I think to myself. It was too devastating to be real. A horrible nightmare I was certain of. My only hope for relief was my alarm clock, and it unfortunately never went off. It was early Saturday morning, usually I would be sleeping in, but its not every day that your world gets turned up side down. If I stood close enough, the heat and glow radiated off of my porcelain skin. As I watched in horror, I realized this was no longer a dream; it was reality. I could not help stare into endless destruction. The tears in my eyes blurred everything insight. As much as I wanted to rid myself from the scene of destruction, the blaze sparked my interest. As I watched my church, St. John Vianney Catholic Church, burn to the ground, I could not help but compare my lifes same outcome. Just as the church was drenched with kerosene, so was my life. It was a disaster waiting to happen.</p>
<p>Interesting yet too wordy IMO</p>
<p>I agree with dudeofswim. You could easily cut that down to 5 sentences, and it would be more effective. You repeat yourself too much. </p>
<p>“It was too devastating to be real. A horrible nightmare I was certain of.” could be deleted;</p>
<p>Add “and” between morning and usually in sentence #4;</p>
<p>“If I stood close enough, the heat and glow radiated off of my porcelain skin.” What I initially got from this was that the heat was coming from you and realized only after that it was regarding the fire. Perhaps you should rephrase, but I like the image of your skin as the pale white of porcelain :)</p>
<p>It’s quite a nice introduction and you definitely have the basis of a very good essay. All you need to do is refine. </p>
<p>Good job and good luck!</p>
<p>You have a word limit and this intro takes up too much of that. You don’t want the reader to think, where’s this going? Then read a few more lines and ask again, where’s this going?</p>
<p>Jump right in. You could cut the first 8 lines. Watch the grammar and word usage. And, think about the impression it makes when you tell an adcom that your life is “drenched in kerosene…a disaster waiting to happen.”</p>
<p>But, it does sound like an interesting idea to use the fire.</p>
<p>Thanks guys, I will consider your revisions and opinions. I accidentally stated this as my common app essay, but it is a supplement essay. Keep in mind that I am talking about a change in my life. Where I had to rebuild who I am after I self destructed. It has a positive outcome in the end</p>
<p>Be careful that, by the time the adcom gets to the positive outcome, you haven’t already revealed some worrisome things about yourself. First impressions are tricky. Good luck.</p>
<p>I was planning to explain in the next few sentences. Do you think that will be okay? If I finish the essay could I PM it to you?</p>
<p>Can you just send me the briefest summary? 25 words? Give yourself some time to think about it first.</p>
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<p>You lost me at this not-at-all-proofread sentence. If I saw this, I’d break out the big red rejection stamp.</p>
<p>yeah…it was 100% not proofread at all. I had a quick train of thought and decided just to write and press send before I forgot about it. I’m not even sure if this is the direction I want to head.</p>
<p>When I write essays, I do not edit much at all. I spend an incredible amount of time on each sentence so that my first draft is good enough to be submitted to colleges. I believe too many people just try to get their ideas down on paper and it comes out horribly, forcing you to edit the whole thing multiple times. Try what I do sometime. And also, have the courtesy to read your essay at least once before you tell people to edit it. That first sentence is just awful. Having said all that, where is your essay going? It’s an intriguing topic, but what respectable qualities are you going to demonstrate?</p>
<p>usually I spend wayyy to much time on my essays. But with this one, I was trying to kill time while away from my house. I wrote this on my phone. I’m not wanting people to edit it, because I am more than capable of doing that myself. I wanted to have some insight on whether I should continue this essay, or start a new one with a different topic. I’m leaning towards just scratching this idea.</p>
<p>To answer the question you asked, I feel like the ideas presented in this paragraph could provide for a strong, personal narrative. I don’t know if you should be asking if you should scrap it though; we need to know the main point of the essay before judging this piece of it.
point of your essay?</p>
<p>To answer your question, it’s far too wordy and falls into the trap of using too many higher level words. Obviously you can use language more descriptive that ‘big’ and ‘small’, but you have to take into consideration how the beast flows. Not to be harsh, but I would probably scrap that paragraph.</p>
<p>thanks for confirming my thoughts.</p>
<p>You’re doomed (and again, I read these for a living). Start with some action. Show don’t tell. This is supposed to tell me something about you that I can’t find out from all of the quantitative information sent to me. Here’s where it starts:
As I watched my church, St. John Vianney Catholic Church, burn to the ground, I could not help but compare my life’s same outcome. Just as the church was drenched with kerosene, so was my life. It was a disaster waiting to happen.
Now I’m interested in what happens in you and your story.</p>
<p>Thanks, thats a great suggestion. Something that I definitely must apply to my essay</p>
<p>Sorry, but “porcelain skin” is a phrase straight out of a bodice-ripper paperback and not a way a person would describe herself. Seems very out of place to me here.</p>