The Perfect Introduction

College Essays
1

<p>...is what I'm trying to reach.</p>

<p>Does someone feel like giving me some remarks on my intro-paragraph?</p>

<p>While it is one thing to have a nightmare, it is a complete other to live with it: to roll off of bed each morning and to wake up to a world so cruel that you think it impossible. I cannot tell you how utterly frustrating it is to escape from the imprisonment of one nightmare only to step into the battlefields of another one, called “reality”. Words cannot describe the fear that a mirror can provoke, how terrifying it is to look into it and to stare, aghast, at the reflection: the undersized left eye, the painfully evident size of the left nostril, the third “ear”. I have lived and breathed and walked and jumped with this feeling, the sense of drowning alive in isolation, so helplessly and yet with all the help in the world. I have struggled against this incubus, something which had dethroned my reality. But because of this struggle, I have been gifted with strength, will, and above all, compassion.</p>

2

<p>Any remarks? No remarks? Please?</p>

3

<p>So basically you had an eating disorder?</p>

<p>If that's the case, I would avoid using the words "you" and avoid making generalities.</p>

4

<p>pm me the whole thing? an intro is not a standalone piece...</p>

5

<p>it has a nice flow and is written quite well. but i'm confused as to what this is about, as rameezkhan is asking.</p>

6

<p>Haha, no, not an eating disorder XD </p>

<p>But I'm confused about using "you".</p>

<p>I think I was using it not really to make a generalization, but to make a connection with the audience. Clearly I failed O_o</p>

<p>How should I rephrase this, then?</p>

<p>"to wake up to a world too cruel to be possible"? Or perhaps "to wake up to a world too cruel to be possible, to impossible to be real?" But then it's sort of redundant...(dilemma)</p>

<p>I will PM it to you, ee33ee, if you're willing to comment :D</p>

7

<p>Honestly, if you're not talking about an eating disorder, clinical depression, or something similar, it seems overly melodramatic.</p>

8

<p>It's about a disfiguration I was born with: "the undersized left eye, the painfully evident size of the left nostril, the third 'ear'"</p>

<p>Ahhh...I knew it. It was too melodramatic. But then how do I make it sound more real and less technical? I sort of want to show emotion, but obviously it turned out melodramatic (again) <em>sigh</em></p>

9

<p>I agree that it is a bit melodramatic. For instance, the phrase "the battlefields of reality" sounds a little over-the-top to be used about looking into a mirror. My advice would be to try rewriting it so that it's less wordy- get to the core of what you want to say without using redundant/bombastic language. That said, it seems that you are a very good writer- you just need to cut out some of the excess. Hope this helped=]</p>

10

<p>i think it's very good, but also would like to see the rest...part of what makes a good intro is if it gets referenced and tied in by the end of the entire essay -- can't see that without the full essay. Pm me, would be happy to give you some advice.</p>