<p>"...tips on how moms and dads (especially those bidding their progeny bon voyage for the first time) can help out beyond lugging furniture on move-in day." CCers can add many more, can't we?</p>
<p>5</a> tips for parents sending a child off to college :: CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Education</p>
<p>All points in the article are good advice.</p>
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<p>DS will leave for college in just a few days. He’s starting to pack and asked me where he should put his important papers. I replied, “You’re really a smart kid, and I trust you to find the right place for those papers.” (Hey, I’m trying . . . ) He jokingly replied, “But that’s why I have you.”</p>
<p>So much for cutting the apron strings. :)</p>
<p>Tip #6: Despite what the article’s lead says, it is best to discourage the student from bringing furniture to college. There is rarely room for any extra furniture in dorm rooms.</p>
<p>Bring lots of tissues.</p>
<p>Be prepared to hear all about the problems/crises/difficulties, serve as a sounding board, worry and wonder, and then find out only much later that everything is fine.</p>
<p>Be kind in the days before departure. It’s hectic and stressful (packing! organizing!) but cherish, cherish those days before they leave…</p>
<p>For moms: under no circumstances express any grief at all towards sons when they are packing to leave or at drop off. Do not under any circumstances say the following or anything substantially similar, “I am sad to see you go, I wish you didn’t have to go away.” I am not certain about for daughters, but I am inclined to say also do not say it. It will do nothing but push away a child that does not want/will not reciprocate genuinely or emotionally stunt a child that really needs to start the process of leaving the nest.</p>
<p>smilodon, i think this type of thing–the expression of emotion and affection between parent and child–varies considerably from family to family, culture to culture, as well as individually.</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter, don’t say it.</p>
<p>Smilodon-
Your perspective as a student is interesting, but it is overgeneralized. Perhaps to some kids who are looking forward to college, they will hear the “I will miss you” as a guilt trip or something, but many others will hear it as a genuine expression of affection and caring from their parent, and will understand their parents feelings.</p>
<p>In the end don’t these suggestions depend on the kid, the parent and the relationship? I have a very large family (steps and born to me) and it seems every leave taking has been individual and unique. I said goodbye to the last one yesterday. She’s a sophomore. She’s made no secret of how happy she would be to get back to campus and I’m happy to see her so happy. (Working 2 jobs this summer may have contributed to that!) Even though she goes to school nearby she will not be home until Christmas. Most of our talk was about using this year to really study and place less emphasis on social life. If grad school is to be a reality she knows she needs to concentrate on academics. She doesn’t need the finance talk as her earnings are going to food and spending money. She has budgeted well.</p>
<p>Probably the hardest parting we ever had was sending a 16 year old to France for his junior year of h.s. That was the most transformative year of his life to date.</p>
<p>It’s natural to miss someone who is going away and I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying it. I just wouldn’t dwell on it.</p>
<p>As a Mom who has experience this 4 times, I agree with smilodon, and it goes for daughters too.
Mom and Dad do NOT cry in front of your child, don’t go on and on about how much you will miss your child.
Keep your emotions under control. This is about your child, not you.
This is a happy occasion, one you have been preparing your child for about 18 years. Be happy, genuinely happy for your son/daughter.
Honestly, if you think you are going to lose it, stay home and have the other parent go.</p>
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<p>If we are to be honest, this is part of what many parents feel. If your family is prone to expressing emotion, I see no problem with saying this, as long as you talk about the positive aspects of going to college as well. Most parents want the going-away-to-college experience for their children because of those positive aspects, but they will miss their kids as well.</p>
<p>Marian - point noted. However, this can be done before you leave home. Do it all then. Say good bye, I miss you, share hugs etc. After you get in the car - no more of that. IMO.</p>
<p>This is supposed to be a coming of age for your child. A landmark in growing up and a happy time for them. If you child isn’t happy to go then why go? Parents should not spoil this and send mixed messages.
Parents will have plenty of time to cry on the way home and in the 10 weeks until Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>I think crying at the college goodbye is no different than crying at your child’s wedding, assuming that you can do the “crying for happiness” thing well. Does the bride feel guilty for marrying because Mom cries? Or would she feel bad if Mom doesn’t?</p>
<p>I don’t think there’s a thing wrong about saying, “I’m so happy for you that you are going to have this experience, but I will miss you. Please call/text every so often.” And if tears accompany it, then so be it.</p>
<p>I think there is a big difference between saying, “I am sad to see you go, I wish you didn’t have to go away.” and “I will miss you hugely, but I am so excited for this journey you are about to take.” I wouldn’t think to say the former, and cant imagine not saying the latter.</p>
<p>I am so excited for my kid and even though I will miss him, there is lots not to miss as well. 1) his appetite and 2) his laundry. As long as I keep those two things in the forefront of my mind, I will not tear up when I say goodbye. But I also think if I didn’t tear up (and no, I don’t mean sob or anything remotely close), he would think that was extremely odd of me!!</p>
<p>I just said goodbye last week and it went well. I did not cry as we did our farewell. We told him we felt he was at a good place and would do great. Then he choked up! That was a real test of my tear ducts! I held the tears back until we pulled away.</p>
<p>It’s individual. I don’t think in the realm of emotions it’s productive to try and come up with absolutes such as “never say this” or “never cry” (or, “cry some”). Of course, generally it seems good for parents to convey how happy they are for the child’s new adventure – the level of tears/sadness will depend on the people involved, culture (as noted) and family history.</p>
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<p>I am not saying there are no exceptions to the rule, but my experience is that every family thinks it is an exception, when in fact it is not. Your child needs to grow up and move away from his/her parents. However, saying the following, “I am sad to see you go.” sends a message to the child, subconsciously, that growing up is not a good thing. </p>
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This is one case that I would say is an exception to the rule, the child had lived in a foreign country for a year and presumably developed a certain level of independence as a result.</p>
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The latter quote is not too bad, it does at least send a message to the child that it is a good thing he/she is growing up. And there is a big difference between crying at college dropoff and at a wedding, at college dropoff your child is beginning to move out, by the wedding, the child has normally moved out.</p>