<p>
I have rethought this one, your child will eventually call or text you, so let him do so, unless it gets to the fourth or fifth week and you haven’t heard.</p>
<p>
I think the latter is acceptable, it does express happiness that your child is growing up and becoming independent.</p>
<p>
I don’t think it is individual, in general at some point your child is going to have to grow up, expressing sadness and no happiness that he is doing so will just emotionally stunt him.</p>
<p>Smilodon-
It’ll be interesting to hear your opinion on this topic when you are the parent and not the kid. Your “under no circumstances should you say…” may be true in YOUR circumstance, but not for many others. Believe it or not, we were all young once and went through this with our parents. We know what it feels like on boths sides of this equation. </p>
<p>We didnt slobber or burst into tears when saying goodbye to either of our s’s either when packing or at drop off, but we did write a little note with $$ inside that we left for them (this year’s was particularly and purposely cheezy because it was both an inside joke in the family and I didnt get a chance to get a different card at the store.) It was appreciated and understood, and he opened it in front of us an his roommate. </p>
<p>Our s’s know we are proud of them and want them to grow up and live their own lives, but they also know that we will miss them. We love them and are proud of them. We hugged them and wished them well and asked them to email/text/ call/whatever, but to have a great time. We told them not to let academicis interfere with their college education (some line stolen from Mark Twain). And they remind us that they will be picking out our nursing homes. Old family jokes, meant with genuine love and affection. Teaching your kid that it is ok to share feelings and emotions is healthy-- it will not “stunt” them. We are sad to see our kids go, that is natural-- but we are happy for them and happy that they are happy. My h used to joke that he counted down the days til the kids were in college. I thought that was more of a concern that, all kidding aside, might send the wrong message. Good thing our s’s share our dry sense of humor. It didnt bother them at all-- they knew he was kidding around.</p>
<p>There is no right or wrong on these issues of emotion.
It mostly depends on the individual family structures and how they deal with emotional moments.
Showing emotion or being stoic shouldn’t have any long lasting psychological effect on either parent or child provided there is a healthy family environment in place.</p>
<p>I would guess most crying by parents is an expression of pride of the child’s accomplishments , not of any misgiving that the son or daughter is leaving.</p>
<p>smilodon:
This may be true for some kids and families, but I think in general it does not apply to humans as much as say, birds. Humans offspring are intelligent enough to grasp the complex emotions involved in the first major parent/child separation. You may not want to try this, however, if you are an owl parent.</p>
<p>I agree with jym626:
</p>
<p>I would just point out that these situations are not just about the student. While I’m proud of my son and glad he’s going to college, I am also sad to see him go because of the effect on ME. I’m really going to miss having him around. If that feeling expresses itself openly as we part, I think he’ll understand. I’ll try not to wail and clutch at him spasmodically, of course.</p>
<p>Boy, I sure hope my son is emotionally mature enough by next Tuesday to recognize that an honest and heartfelt expression of emotion, in whatever form it takes, from one significant adult to another significant adult-in-training, with whom he shares a bond, does NOT have the power to “subconsciously (communicate) that growing up is not a good thing.”</p>
<p>I mean, I am sure hoping that by now he’s learned to accept personal responsibility for his own happiness, self-determination and ownership of his future so that whatever I might or might not say will not in any way dent his experience ;P</p>
<p>Hi ho.</p>
<p>Ps. I just checked. He thinks this thread is a little nuts. Wonders why everyone is so emotionally constipated. As Tom Robbins would have a parrot say: “People of ze world, relax!”</p>
<p>Spideygirl your “owl” comment made me laugh out loud and I needed that- Thanks!</p>
<p>I think if we have to think that hard about how we say good-bye to our kids then we have bigger issues to deal with. Heck there is no perfect way to parent- we do the best we can based on our family make-up and values. What works for me is not what works for others and visa versa. If we make a mistake (and we have and will) then we learn from it, apologize if need be and move on. </p>
<p>My recomendation to the parents is - Whatever you do when you get home- DO NOT go into their room! Wait till the sting wears off- or they make you mad (whichever comes first). It won’t be as hard to pick up the shirt on the floor- or make-up the bed if you wait. I’m still not ready (I did make a mad dash for dirty towels though).</p>
<p>
Perhaps, I am just an extreme example. But that said, did you raise your children in the exact same manner that your parents raised you. And I can think of a handful of examples of families where the expression of emotion would not be bad(not saying it is good or healthy), but I can also think of many examples where it is unhealthy.</p>
<p>
I doubt your last statement, I have seen too many examples to the contrary. And as to the bolded, what one might think is healthy, might not be, but we just don’t know it.</p>
<p>
Are humans really intelligent enough to grasp it, or do we just think we are? </p>
<p>Also, I misstated something earlier:
I should have stated this differently; I should have said, do not state any grief. </p>
<p>Say you were cutting an old infirm person’s hair and when you finished, he momentarily lost balanced and after helping him regain it: would you say I think you need to go see a physical therapist or would you say may you stay young and healthy. The former implies the person is incapable and desperately needs help, while the latter is polite. With crying versus saying I am upset to see you go, in the former the child understands that you will miss, but the latter puts him in awkward position.</p>
<p>Smilodon, we live in a diverse world, and each person is different. I understand that in your case, you hated hearing that, or are afraid you will hear that, from your parents. I would have loved to have heard it. My parents kicked me out of the house when I was 16, and after I arrived at college, I was crying inside watching all the parents dropping off their children, hugging their kids, slipping them money (we had to sue my father to get him to honor his child support agreements) and telling them how much they would miss them.</p>
<p>It’s very difficult on threads like these not to hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t really think any of us should dictate to any other of us how to relate within our family groups. We don’t even know anything about each other or family history or dynamics! </p>
<p>It’s very helpful to hear about local places to get pizza or duct tape, and to share a huge experience, like sending one’s child off to college (this is a parents’ forum thread). Suggest things stay supportive, rather than judgemental, and that recommendations are made, not commands.</p>
<p>D was delivered for her first year of college this past Saturday; Sunday was devoted to mountains of laundry and packing in preparation for son’s return to college on Monday. I didn’t have a chance to miss them or feel sad until today…when for the first time in a million years I didn’t have to wake anyone up…make a sack lunch…hand out lunch $$…write checks for lab fees or dance tickets…</p>
<p>My kids know I’m sad when they’re gone but they also know how much I value education and opportunity. I told each one of them at parting that I’d miss them but was anxious to hear about classes, social life, etc. 2by2, I should have taken your advice about going into the room- I will mention that I found a total of $18 in change between the two of them! I count that as payment for services rendered!</p>
<p>A number of college freshmen suffer from homesickness. Some get it bad enough that they go home and some parents inadvertently are enablers.<br>
I have seen parents carry on in the separation process and the negative effects it has on some kids. Some become convinced they aren’t ready to leave home, while others are very embarrassed. On that note I think Smilodon makes some excellent point and his opinon should not be discounted hastily.</p>
<p>Hopefully, as parents you know your kids. If they would be embarrassed by your tears and anguish then keep it to yourself. Don’t be selfish. This is your child’s “time”. Let he/she have it. I am not saying that parent’s shouldn’t feel sad or tell their child they will miss them but I think it’s much better to have the “goodbye’s” at home and save the crying for the ride home.</p>
<p>Personally, I was quite happy to move my own off to college. i hope this doesn’t make me a bad or unfeeling parent. Happy that I was able to do for my own what my parents didn’t do for me. (I commuted to school for a few years.) But mostly, thrilled that I had done my job so well that they would get by without me and were moving on to college. I admit I was a big proud of myself as well as my kids. </p>
<p>When you are really feeling sorry for yourself because your child is tucked away in a dorm in a college -go pay a visit to the Mom who has a child who graduated with your son/daughter and decided to enlist in the Military. JMHO - these are the parents who deserve to cry. Everything in perspective.</p>
<p>LOL kmccrindle- emotionally constipated! I love it. </p>
<p>Stringkeymom-- sorry to hear of your situation. That is really sad. It must have been tough for you to see traditional family move-in/departures. Leaving our kids always involves slipping them some $$. One year we visited my cousin’s dau at college and I slipped her money too!! Just part of our tradition.</p>
<p>2by2-
We’ve said goodbye enough times now that I make a mad dash <em>into</em> their rooms when we return to clean up (and see what they forgot)!! Younger s in particular is a slob. Cant wait to straighten up. Ther must be 15 odd ankle sock things laying around.</p>
<p>Sabaray-
LOL on the windfall $$$$. Mine leaves change all over, but not that much. I used to collect it thorughout the year and put it in a plastic hurricane glass. Now it goes in my pocket :)</p>
<p>Justamom-
Agreed, as others said upthread- its the kids time. And for freshmen, many schools (both of my kids schools) had activities organized at a certain time so the parents had to skeedaddle. Also good point about the homesick kids. They might have some angst-- need support and reassurance.</p>
<p>smilodon : you are a skilled debater but your skepticisms will be tempered by real world experience.</p>
<p>Do you really think you know better than all these parents who have managed to raise children and send them off to college?</p>
<p>As for your points :</p>
<p>How many scenes of crying caused by a parents failure to deal with a childs departure have you actually seen? How do you know the emotional cause of teary goodbyes?
I saw a few last week and it looked like plenty of proud parents , not the inability of parents to separate.</p>
<p>As for healthy family environments , you either have it or you don’t and if it’s not healthy , those in the family are usually the first to know…</p>
<p>smilodon–not sure exactly why you think you have the lock on the absolutely perfect and healthy way to approach a milestone departure of people of completely different backgrounds and personalities.</p>
<p>As to this:
“Say you were cutting an old infirm person’s hair and when you finished, he momentarily lost balanced and after helping him regain it: would you say I think you need to go see a physical therapist or would you say may you stay young and healthy.”</p>
<p>I’m not getting why the latter is superior to the former. A physical therapist could help the person retain balance and protect them from falls and possible incapacity. The falsely optimistic “may you stay young and healthy” is patently wrong – no one stays young and perhaps the individual might feel some pressure that you only want to deal with them if they are strong and competent, not disabled in any way. </p>
<p>There are lots of ways of approaching change – general good feelings toward the most vulnerable individual involved and hope for their success is important, and could be manifested in a variety of ways (btw, “youth” is not an achievable success for an older, infirm person).</p>
<p>^^^ All good points, Jolynne and Ulysses.</p>
<p>Smilodon,
How did you and your parents say goodbye your freshman year? What did you like about how it was handled? What didnt you like? What would you do differently and why?</p>
<p>My mom was a little weepy in the mushy, “I am gonna miss you but have a good time” kind of way. My dad said something like “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do”. A fun balance.</p>
<p>
It had more to do with being rude v being polite.</p>
<p>
Thank you.</p>
<p>
At an open house at my college I was talking to a couple of different families about my college. One family, from LA, that I talked to, a father and daughter, the father was doing all the talking and barely let his daughter talk, even when I directed a question to his daughter. So later when he said, “I am not sure that College X is the right place for her, I think we are leaning towards UCSB, I think at her age it really is too young to live by yourself”, I was not surprised. This was after I explained the housing situation at my college, which doesn’t provide on campus housing to everyone. Another family I talked to, they basically made their son answer and ask all questions, and after seeing at my school this past year, I would say he is doing very well. There are of course other situations that have informed my views, but these two are good representatives of them.</p>
<p>
On the other hand, the parents’ judgement could be clouded by the emotions of the separation. And how are you able to say that you have raised your children well, by looking at them at 20 when they are in college or when they are 35 and have been out of your house for awhile and working?</p>
<p>Parents really are pretty good at knowing and understanding their kids. We certainly don’t know everything about them, as it should be, but yes, even at 20 we probably have a pretty good idea of who they are. Some of our kids have already demonstrated a several year history of responsible behavior and choices, independent thinking and problem-solving, judgement, reasoning, and planning. You question whether a parents judgement is clouded by emotion. Might yours be as well? You must have overlooked my questions to you, so I will repeat:
</p>
<p>You seem to take a dim view of parents, giving them, for the mostpart, little credit. Some of them really aren’t half bad…</p>
<p>I told my D, who is going to be a college junior, that I have excised from my vocabulary the words “you should.” I realized that I started way too many sentences with those words over the past two years–more than I ever did when she was home and in HS.</p>
<p>
I didn’t overlook the question, I avoided answering, and will continue to do so, the question to prevent a situation like the following:</p>
<p>
Where it becomes difficult to respond to
Because I either have to talk about my feelings on a board full of strangers or remain unemotional and get viewed as a monster for attacking someone. Now, if I respond with emotional moments this puts the other person in the same position and forces them to either shut up or both sides start to say stuff that becomes overly personal and then the ad hominem attacks start and the thread degenerates. </p>
<p>Now of course the highly personal stuff does come in, not a problem, but when it becomes a discussion of selected individual experiences, stuff that you or I went through, not just observed happen with other people, it becomes it easy for feelings to get hurt. </p>
<p>
On the other hand, how do know how your child will handle the separation</p>
<p>
Fair point.</p>
<p>don’t you guys think you are being a little hard on smilodon?</p>
<p>Take your own kids aside and give them two options - </p>
<ol>
<li><p>time to go he walks you outside the dorm, you hug him tightly for several minutes. when you finally let you you cry, sob and exclaim you wish he was two again. You then tell him to call you anytime, that if he wants to come home you will drop whatever you are doing and pick him up. reassure him that if he doesn’t like his roommate/teachers/classes he can come and live with you until you die. Keep crying. as you walk to the car yell loudly “I love you, son!” and “call me tonight!!” really loud so everyone can here.</p></li>
<li><p>say your goodbyes before you leave. when it’s time to go you give a quick hug inside the room and shake the roommates hand. you slip him a few bucks and dad reminds him not to spend it on beer. Mom reminds him to study and not to worry it may take a while to get used to being on your own but you can handle it. You walk out together and wave goodbye from the dorm.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I have seen #1 and it isn’t pretty. It is embarrassing and humiliating to the child who slinks back into the room and sits on the bed and cries.</p>