<p>I know you were avoiding/ducking my question, smilodon. It was obvious. I was just being polite. You are making assumptions about people here, and making rather broadsweeping statements about what to/not to say to ones children. I am sorry if you have not had a good relationship with your parents, or have been made to feel guilty by them. Hopefully that is not the case. But please remember, we are not all bad parents here who don’t let our kids speak up or who guilt trip them with a teary goodbye. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your kids you will miss them. The opposite seems painfully sad to me. </p>
<p>And as an aside, a good physical therapist for an aging adult can <em>increase</em> their autonomy and independence, whereas a person who denies or minimizes balance or gait problems and doesn’t use such services runs the risk of falling and becoming <em>less</em> independent. The goal of a good physical therapist is for the person not to need them anymore— just like a good parent.</p>
<p>Justamom-
I LOL with your description # 1! Ours was decidedly more like #2, with the exception that we did a last WalMart run, and walked by the condoms. I very matter-of-factly asked him if we needed to stock up. He very matter-of-factly responded that he can get them for free from the health clinic. We banter like this with each other. </p>
<p>And as for smilodon’s question
I “know” because we have good, open communication. We talk to each other. Older s is more disclosing than younger s, but nonetheless, they are willing/able to talk/ask/share (to a point, obviously), especially when they need something, which includes suggestions or guidance. They value our thoughts an opinions, and I value that trust from them in return. I certainly don’t know everything about their private lives, but if they need some guidance they do come to us.</p>
<p>Forgot to ask – do you think any less of stringkeymom for sharing her history? I think it was very brave of her to share that and I applaud her. It helps posters here to understand that there are several sides to this issue, and we should consider hers. Very kind and brave of her to share that. Sometimes sharing with strangers can provide relief and gain support. There have been many very kind, supportive threads for people who were facing challenges. Please consider the good side of the posters here, not just the bad. Not every thread is some debate.</p>
<p>To the five points in the original article, I could add: check in on the feelings of the remaining siblings in the house. It’s a departure for them, too. Maybe they’re delighted to have some new attention or space. Maybe they feel unmoored without the older sib as their “snowplow” (what our younger two named the eldest) to troubleshoot all kinds of highschool dilemmas. Whatever they think or feel, the siblings are part of the leave-taking, too. </p>
<p>In our household, nobody knew at the time how they felt, but in the weeks after returning from freshman orientation, people began to notice and share thoughts and feelings, both happy and poignant. I can’t say “sad” because it’s not a funeral here. </p>
<p>Every new departure triggers memories of all other departures. Try to see this one for what it is: an exciting life passage that changes the family balance in many ways to a new normal.</p>
<p>Woah looks like there are two pretty divergent opinions on this topic. I’m personally more inclined to think that there is a line (different for each situation and family) between an aww moment and a … moment.</p>
<p>Case in point, I know this is just my case so it is not representative for anyone else, but it is just to illustrate what I’m talking about.</p>
<p>I’m currently going off to college for freshman year this Friday and my parents have been quite amazing. In that respect I can totally see how an affectionate statement by a parent might be useful. In fact it is pretty cool to hear about these kinds of sentiments, which, mine being a relatively stoic family, are rarely aired.</p>
<p>On the other hand, for the last few days my grandpa has been wandering randomly into my room while I am on my laptop at all times in the day. Predictably he tries to say a couple things, but it degenerates into a cryfest for him every time… Honestly this is past the line for my case. In fact after spending some time with him the first couple times it happened, now it has frankly gotten awkward and uncomfortable every time I see him wandering around to my room again. If anything makes me more eager to go to college and less inclined to call or check home to avoid this kind of stuff.</p>
<p>So I see merit in both your arguments. Again i’m not deliniating a line that says thou shalt not speak this, but at the same time I think that there is a point where nice and affectionate moments turn into frankly extremely awkward and annoying ones. For me it was the difference between a recognition of very real feelings, and an awkward confrontation.</p>
<p>For better or worse I think most children (again generalization but I think this can be supported) have not been trained and are not used to dealing with their parents losing control of their emotions. This is a very childcentric and perhaps even selfish mentality for us, but we’re honestly just not sure what to do when our pillars of strength for the last 18 years loses it. Once might be ok and perhaps even beneficial for some cases, but by the time it gets to the degree that I’ve described in my second description, i’m almost positive that is not good for any situation.</p>
<p>^I think you’ve got to give grandparents a pass if they’re a weeping mess at home, anticipating a grandchild’s departure. They are dealiing with dfferent issues than parents. </p>
<p>To name a few, some grandparents see every transition as more confirmation that they are getting very old. Thoughts go through their heads like this: I’m seeing her go off to college; will I be there in 4 years for a graduation? </p>
<p>They don’t all weather change well. Perhaps they’ve had other departures, losses and deaths (even a spouse?). If your imminent departure stirs up these feelings, your grandpa can’t even help that. </p>
<p>Grandparents are there to be loved and appreciated. They stopped trying to figure out how to do things the exact right way, a long time ago. They just are, and that is their right after all these years, no?</p>
<p>If you’re really smart, you’ll just give him a great big bear hug and thank him for loving you, rather than be annoyed with his weepitude. JMHO.</p>
<p>I like the television commercial where the parents dump off the son and all of his belongings at the curb in front of the dorm (before quickly speeding away, not looking back). That is also an option.</p>
<p>Shiningstar–I’ve done some reading on emotional changes w/age (& seen a lot w/my elderly parents) – there are physical changes to the brain that remove a lot of the emotional filters for many older folks. That’s often why you’ll have a grandpa-type guy saying something surprisingly innappropriate or whatever. </p>
<p>Your grandpa might be unable to help himself – I know my dad (mid-80s) tears up at certain television commercials or even general family discussions that hit an emotional chord [never, ever like that when young]. As paying3tuitinos said, you could try giving him a pass (as difficult as that might be).</p>
<p>Smilodon, please don’t assume that your family situation and your perspective are applicable to everyone. They are NOT. They are your opinions based on your experience with YOUR family.</p>
<p>We have two kiddos…the goodbyes were different for each of them…and also different as the years went by. Each farewell was perfect for that kiddo (the kids felt that way and so did we parents). </p>
<p>Smilodon has all of the arrogance of youth and none of the wisdom of age. The tips are good. We parents know where we are coming from, and where we once were.</p>
<p>Parents can do all they want to- cry, hug…, the impact on the child will depend on the child’s take on it. Most will feel secure enough in themselves to not be bothered by someone else’s behavior- it is the parent’s problem that the parent cries, not the student’s. Being missed is great, it has nothing to do with letting go. In fact, being told you will be missed means you are not being abandoned in your parents’ thoughts once you are physically out of sight.</p>
<p>True enough I do give you your points. At the same time the point is that I have done exactly that. Multiple times in fact, spend time with him reminisce w/e he’s doing at the moment. Pose for him to take hundreds upon hundreds of pictures. And yet every single time he comes back every 10 minutes looking over my shoulder at w/e I’m doing (emails, college, facebook, etc). I’ve dealt with it for more than a week now without so much as saying a word to him. Surely I’m entitled to feeling a bit annoyed that it seems that my tradeoff is either spend every waking hour with him or being trailed by him all day?</p>
<p>In either case my personal story really isn’t that important. It was just to illustrate that we view things quite differently than parents do and for everyone there is a line beyond which affection becomes uncomfortable I think.</p>
<p>I am intrigued by those who seem to intimate that a student wouldn’t be sad about going off to college if it weren’t for weepy parents.</p>
<p>I am a college freshman entering my second full week of college. I was an absolute mess the last few days I was at home–just because there were so many relationships I was leaving behind, and I didn’t know if I’d meet such incredible people at college. </p>
<p>My parents acknowleged their feelings and this was hard but was definitely better than them pretending they didn’t have feelings at all, which would’ve come off as callous.</p>
<p>In the end, I had a relatively smooth transition, and have met great people here. Just because a student is sad to leave home doesn’t mean he/she won’t have a fantastic first few days at college. So parents–if you’re worried about making your kids sad by admitting your sadness–don’t be. Chances are, your child’s already sad, so it’s good to deal with those feelings rather than pretend they don’t exist, which can be scary because then the child feels like they’re the only one that’s upset.</p>
<p>I think the most important thing for parents to do is to focus on the wealth of new opportunities that lie ahead, and tell their child that while he/she will be missed, it’s important to get involved right away and be outgoing/social to really meet people and benefit from college life.</p>
<p>When we said good-bye to D1 2 years ago, it was she who broke down crying (sobbing). I tried very hard to comfort her. But as soon as we left she was fine, and I cried for 4 hours home. She was also very sad when we pulled out of our driveway because she knew it would never be the same again, and she’s had very good 18 years at home. It didn’t mean she wasn’t excited about her new adventure.</p>
<p>My BIL just dropped my nephew off at his school. MY BIL is a big guy, very laid back. Apparently when he called my sister on his drive home, he started to cry. When you love someone so deeply it is not hard to understand you could be sad about leaving. They are very lucky they have people who care enough to feel sad about leaving them, they know they are loved.</p>
<p>I skipped most of the posts on the end of the 3rd page and the start of the 4th page. All I can say is I am glad that Smilodon has spoken up in such an impressive fashion. I get the feeling that many parents do not communicate well with their children and like to bottle all their emotions up for moments like graduations, move-in days, etc. However, when they let them out, it’s an incoherent cluster***** (I’ve seen this numerous times during boarding school and with my friends who are all now departing for college).</p>
<p>As for the argument from authority several parents keep invoking, it has been documented that the role of the father has changed greatly in the last half a century. The not-there, inexpressive father is no longer considered as acceptable. Even though younger voices may not have as much experience, they may also not be as burdened by the misconceptions you grew up with on parenting.</p>
<p>^^^^ Not sure what pages you skipped (mine are set to put 40 on a pg) but you might want to read all the posts and comments. Cant speak for the experience of boarding school parents, who likely have, IMO, more experience with the dropping off/picking up thing, but I have to wonder if the emotional outbursts you describe are because the parents are only with their kids at these momentous occasions when a kid is at boarding school. So it isn’t so much a “bottling up” of emotions, but perhaps fewer opportunities to share these times with their kids. </p>
<p>And what argument from authority are you referring to? Can you point out what you are responding to? Where are posters talking about authoratitive or absent fathers? On this thread? I musta missed it.</p>
<p>Smilodon (who seems to have moved on to other threads) seemed to claim that mothers should never tell their sons they are going to miss them and wished they didnt have to go, or this would somehow scar the kid for life. Hogwash.</p>
he did not say “never”. Mom’s and Dad’s have all summer to reflect on their son/daughter moving out. We have all summer to tell our kids that we will miss them.
However, again - I agree with this post and fail to see why parents think this is all about them.
This is about your child - not you. If your child doesn’t want a scene and tears then control it or don’t go.
Once the packing starts - IMO - there is one goal: to get to school and move it. To confuse the issue with tears, tantrums etc is not fair to your child.
This is NOT the same as a quick hug and a simple, “Have fun but I will miss you” whispered in the ear.
Parent’s need to “let go” before they get in the car.</p>
<p>I am confused, justamom- where in that quote you posted above does it say the mom will have a complete meltdown and embarass the bejessus out of her kid in front of all his new peers?? It says, as I read it, under no circumstances express emotion or sadness when you say goodbye to your kid. This is simply nuts, IMO.</p>