<p>I just think it’s important to accentuate the positive, that’s all. Especially, if emotions are running high -which I have personally witnessed.
It’s like dropping off a 4 year old off at pre-school for the first time. Talk about the separation beforehand, acknowledge feelings and when it’s time give a quick kiss and walk away.</p>
<p>As for the second part - while not every child will be emotionally stunted, some will be. True that. Mom and Dad’s reaction greatly influences whether or not their child will actually stay at college. A number of kids wash out in the first half of the semester or first week even.
I know a girl whose parents drove her 4 hours to school and she never even moved in.<br>
I have talked to parents whose kid never made it out of orientation and their reaction was - it’s okay, he can live with me forever I would have missed him too much anyway.</p>
<p>I think parents need to respect their child’s point of view. They know if you are going to get over emotional and if you are asked to stay home or control your emotions then I think you should. For some kids, this is a really tough experience. Parents need to recognize that and support the kids - not make the event about them “losing a child”.</p>
<p>Perhaps simlodon has experienced emotion on move in day (I don’t know if he has or not). Parents should not summarily dismiss HIS feelings and make THEIR feelings more important.</p>
<p>I think simlodon makes strong arguments to a forumful of adults and, correspondingly, he’s strong enough to take some differing views. </p>
<p>Insisting that parents who might/will show significant emotion/sadness at departure ban themselves from drop-off presupposes that the show of emotion would always be to the students’ detriment. Of course the college departure is about the student starting a new life, but the fact is that it’s also about saying goodbye to an old life and to loved ones. To ignore that side of the equation and to label all emotions (& any emotional expression) relating to the family separation as potentially harmful and selfish discounts the significance of the family bond and assumes that a student would react completely negatively (e.g. withdraw from school because of a few tears by mom & dad, etc.). </p>
<p>As stated previously – knowing that someone loves, cares and will miss you – while knowing they also wish you well on your new adventures – can certainly be viewed in a positive light by the student (not necessarily, but certainly it is possible). </p>
<p>Because one student might find such expressions insufferable or experienced a negative personal reaction to them does not mean that all students will. </p>
<p>Since simlodon seems to enjoy argument, he might find it interesting to consider questioning the efficacy of generalizing globally from one’s own personal experience.</p>
<p>Justamom-
A teen who doesnt make it out of the car or through orientation didnt do so because of a teary goodbye. They most likely had other longstanding issues that were not addressed beforehand. You and smilodon are entitled to your opinions and he his overgeneralizations, but they are no less valid than those of the other parents or students here. No ones is saying this is about the parents-- but to claim that showing emotion at departure is “absolutely wrong and shouldnt be done under any circumstances” shows the ignorance and/or arrogance of youth. Given the strong broadsweeping statement smilodon made about boys and their mothers, it sounds like he has issues to work through. I wish him well. Many of us are saying here that we simply haven’t experienced these issues. These AREN’T 4 year olds. These are 18 yr olds. If a kid hasnt emotionally grown since preschool, there are other serious issues that need to be addressed.</p>
<p>As I have posted at other threads, if a teen feels better by voicing his hostility at us over the internet rather than with his parents, just give us his parents address and we would be happy to send over a $200 bill.</p>
<p>Well, I just read this thread and this really happened to me in move-in weekend:
At the time of leaving the college and maybe keeping my emotions under control, I hugged my son, I couldn’t say anything…a sense of sadness invaded my soul. Then while hugging my son, I looked at his roommate and said–Best wishes for you “Michael” (Roommate’s name) and then without looking at them, I left. I couldn’t say anything else, I was almost to the point of crying… but I didn’t, still I felt a great deal of sadness that day, which I still experiencing today…
Best wishes to all of you!</p>
<p>Four years ago my husband and I dropped our naive 18 year old son off at college. I felt so many emotions and I could tell that my son just wanted us to leave so that he could unpack and get acquianted with this roommate. After a run to the bookstore and Walmart for a few items, I stood in his dorm room and said “Oh just let me make your bed up” I think he was mortified but didn’t say anything and I think he understood why I needed to do that. After that I cried most of the way home (2 hour drive) </p>
<p>My daughter also went out of state for college. I was just as emotional on her first moving in day. I made her bed too!</p>
<p>janet - that’s our ritual too. Last year H drove D1 to school and it was her second year, so I didn’t go. D1 told me that her dad made the bed before he left. I didn’t even ask him to.</p>
<p>Our son has known since he was small that missing the people we love is OK and is a normal part of loving them. It is something I wrote to him the first time he went to sleep-away camp. He knows that I miss him now, and understands that it is normal, too.</p>
<p>I am moving on Tuesday and I hope my parents pretend to be happy at least until they leave. I know my mom is going to miss me, we have talked about it and I understand she is very sad and feels strange, I am really the first to go away. But if she actually cries in front of me I will feel SO bad and will worry about her after she leaves, it rips my heart right out of my chest to see my mother cry. So I hope she saves that for when she gets home. It is an awful, awful thing to watch your parents cry. It’s gotten easier as I’ve gotten older but it is still extremely heart wrenching and that’s just not what I want to be focusing on when I move, I want to have fun and not be overly concerned with the separation. So I hope, for my sake, my mom waits until she leaves the building to cry. I can understand she misses me without feeling like I am being kicked in the chest repeatedly.</p>
<p>An interesting point for this discussion, my mom doesn’t know I feel that way. My parents haven’t been very close in my lifetime, though it appears to be getting better, and my mom never really had anyone but me to come to. She tried not to burden me with her troubles, but as I got older sometimes things just came out in front of me. I never wanted to say anything to discourage her from opening up to me if she needed to. I still probably won’t tell her. Kids will do a lot of things to protect their parents when they can. So if she does cry at move in, I will just have to deal. I just really hope we all keep as happy of a tone as possible. I’ll be home in November for Thanksgiving, and may even come home for Halloween. We all know we miss each other and that it will be okay. That’s all that’s necessary. My mom does bring up occasionally how sad she’ll be without me, but generally tries to take a somewhat less than serious tone because I think she knows it makes me feel bad. Nobody wants to break their mother’s heart. And she also makes a point to highlight how happy she is for me that I am embarking on such a grand adventure, and tells me I am going to have the time of my life. That last bit is SO important. So I would just urge parents to consider how much negativity they are putting out, and make sure it is proportionate to the positive feelings you are putting out about the move, too. Your kids still need that from you. Especially college freshmen-- check out the College Life section of this forum. They are so insecure and unsure of themselves in this period of their life, many of them. I would be willing to bet many of your kids could really benefit from a more positive spin on move in day than you are giving them right now.</p>
<p>Deposited my first born son at a college all the way across the country two days ago. I don’t think my shedding a few as I told him how proud I was of him, much I loved him and was going to miss him did him any permanent harm. In my view, those emotions are testament to the gravity of the moment, and expressing them gives that moment meaning. The object lesson is that while “parting is such sweet sorrow,” you do what you know has to be done.</p>
<p>I am one of those people who cry at the drop of a hat. My son knows that and we joke about it all the time. He doesn’t remember kindergarden but we do laugh all the time about how I cried when he “graduated” from 6th grade. When he was going off last year he asked me “Are you going to cry” and I said “of course” and we both laughed. And when we hugged at the car as I was leaving I did cry. And we both laughed through my tears.
But he knew, because we talked about it, that I was happy and excited for him and his new life, and that I was going to miss him.
He is off to his 2nd year this year and he is doing great! He asked me if I was going to cry this year and I said maybe but not as much as last year.<br>
If you have an open and good relationship with your child there is nothing wrong with being open about how you are sad because you are going to miss them. But it is also important that they know you are happy and excited for them as well.
That my 2 cents worth.</p>
<p>I cry at parades when the earnest middle school bands march by. I cried at son’s first piano recital. I cry at some commercials, for pity’s sake. So son is not surprised when my voice gets a bit thick and I blink back tears when I say good bye.</p>
<p>Mafool, I’m with you. I cry at Bar Mitzvahs when I don’t even know the kids. I cry whenever I hear “Pomp and Circumstance”.Whenever I hear children singing. In short, my kids would think something was wrong if I did not cry while saying goodbye on such a momentous occasion. I hope that the fact that I spent the previous year driving them to assorted colleges, paying for SAT prep, helping them to fill out applications, shelling out the tuition, etc. would reassure them that this is something I am happy and proud about, despite a few tears.</p>
This is so important - it bears worth repeating.
This is what I am talking about when I say to parent’s that this is not about THEM. This should be their CHILD’S DAY.</p>
<p>TwistedxKiss - don’t take it to heart too much. I know what you mean about seeing parents cry.<br>
jym626 - to clairfy:
I am not talking about wiping away a few tears. I am talking about nearly full blown temper tantrums. Yes, they happen. It’s embarrassing and ugly. Telling a child that you will miss them so much you won’t know what to do - etc…
If you have not witnessed this then you haven’t been to enough move-in days.
You have heard testimony from kids who have witnessed this and don’t like it; kids who know it’s coming and don’t like it. Why should they not get what they want on their day?</p>
<p>When parents say that the feelings of smilodon’s and TwistedxKiss parents come first - to me what you are saying is this day is about the parents and not the child.</p>
<p>BTW - I cry at everything. Just ask my kids. There are certain times when I will control my emotions in front of them for their sake.</p>
<p>TwistedxKiss, thank you very much for your comments; your perspective is extremely helpful.</p>
<p>4 days after the separation, I can say this much: Our best conversations are those that are similar to the conversations we had before D left. Banter, small daily happenings, and trying to one-up each other with jokes – these are the conversations that leave us both feeling that although the distance is great, the connection is unchanged. </p>
<p>I’m resisting the temptation to say “Honey, how are you REALLY?” I’ve already discovered that if she wants to talk at a deeper level, she’ll let me know.</p>
<p>I’m letting her initiate contact, and firmly suppressing my mommy instinct that wants to know where is she, what is she doing, and why hasn’t she called for 6 hours? </p>
<p>And we are both saying “I love you” much more frequently.</p>
Twistedxkiss-
If I read your post correctly, it sounds like you parents are either divorced or estranged. I am sorry to hear that. If they are not close to each other, you perhaps haven’t had the opportunity to see/experience a healthy expression of emotion, and additionally, it sounds like you may have been in situations where you were parenting your mother, rather than vice versa. These role reversals are difficult, and it shouldn’t be the responsibility of the child to take care of the emotional needs of the parent(s). I agree with this. But when parents express a normal feeling of mixed emotions (sadness and joy) at move-in day, not having a complete meltdown and expecting their child to pick up the pieces, this isn’t unhealthy and isn’t about the parent, IMO. It is an acknowledgement of the transition, the passage that is occurring. Agree that a long drawn out emotional tirade is inappropriate and embarassing, but that isnt , IMO, what smilodon was describing in his original post. He sounded like he had bigger issues with his mother, which I genuinely hope he has the opportunity to work through successfully.</p>
<p>I think we are all really saying the same thing. Packing for college and move-in day are significant transition times. and are understandibly frought with pangs of emotions on both the part of the parent and child. BUt it isn’t the childs responsibility to take care of the needs of the parent. and if this is what is going on at move-in time, its probably been going on for a lot longer than that. JMO, FWIW.</p>