For the first time ever I feel like I have to nag my daughter...

Parents Forum
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<p>I'm frustrated. My daughter (a new h.s. senior) has been on the college prep track almost since kindergarten. She's excelled throughout school, taking intensive, accelerated, honors and AP classes. Always self-directed and motivated. Straight A student except for a B in 6th grade. So she definitely knows how to keep up her grades. I'm not saying that she LOVES school or really has a passion for any subject except for her Jazz and Choir singing. But she gets the job done.</p>

<p>Well, for the first time in 12 years I'm finding myself in a position where I'm actually becoming a nag! Why? She has so much to do this summer. Her AP English teacher gave her a long list of to-dos, but then she's been used to that since freshman year. This time, however, her teacher is urging them to maintain an informal, but consistent academics focus during the summer. She tells them to read a newspaper every day, learn and use several "tone" words, read news articles on the internet, teach themselves new vocabulary words from/for the SAT test. Read personal essays, magazines, use more "tone" words. She can't stress those "tone" words enough. They'll be reading the Odyssey, Oediopus Rex, part of the Bible, sections of the MLA Handbook, a DVD--'The Odyssey' and an essay due by 8/18 midnight.</p>

<p>Okay, so what's the problem? I'm not worried about her AP summer work. But, this is what bothers me-----> She absolutely REFUSES to read a newspaper! She won't read news articles. In fact, she never has really enjoyed reading that much, period. Oh, she got an A+ in Honors American Lit. last year and always seems to score high in language arts. But, she just took her first SAT and did not do great in CR. She only got a 530. And yet her Writing was 730. Math was low, too, at 550. No, she's not the best test-taker. Never has been. BUT, how will she ever raise her CR score if she won't sit down and read the daily newspaper or the articles/essays her teacher suggested? Shouldn't she be trying to raise her numbers all ALONG vs.sitting down with the study guide the last week or so? I think bettering a CR score is an ongoing process.</p>

<p>On top of this she rarely talks to us about her school work or what she needs to do this summer re; college preparing. Oh, she's mentioned various schools and I've seen a list she typed up. But, I'm not sure if she's checking out what their admission requirements are or if they have EA, etc. We do plan to do a tour of several CA schools this summer. I'm pretty sure I have an idea of where she'll apply, at least in CA.</p>

<p>Anyway, I feel like I'm the only one in the family who is so anal about this. My husband, a h.s. intensive math teacher is so laid back, it drives me crazy! He thinks she's doing fine and told me to lay off of her. Well, yes she HAS been doing fine for the past 12 years ever since she first stepped foot in her kindergarten class. But, I also feel this summer is such an important time and she has a timeline to follow. I would just hate to have her jeopardize her chances now--not after all the work she's put in these past several years. Her teacher specifically made a point of NOT procrastinating and becoming overwhelmed in mid-August.</p>

<p>Also, her good friends are more about socializing this summer. Even her best friend who used to be soooo driven and competitive has let her grades slip somewhat (more about attendance and laziness.) She actually got a higher SAT score. My daughter passed up a lot of social events in her junior year so she could stay home and study. I didn't expect her to suddenly change those habits just because it's summer. Well, maybe a little...:)</p>

<p>Okay, in her favor, she's been completing her Health class online through BYU and is on target. She's also read some of the Odyssey. But, NO NEWSPAPERS or other critical reading! :( I can't FORCE her to read, either.</p>

<p>Am I being too paranoid at this point? Should I listen to my husband and step back and stop trying to run "her show" right now? Again, this is all new for me! I've been so fortunate to have an independent daughter..but is that backfiring? :(</p>

<p>Thanks for listening to my vent. Any suggestioins are appreciated.</p>

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<p>2Leashes: Up front I will tell you that I have no suggestions for you - only a sympathetic ear. I understand what you’re going through. My daughter has never needed rules. She always excelled in school, wasn’t a brainiac nerd or anything, but always got A’s and was usually her teacher’s favorite student - that sort of thing. This continued throughout high school. She was a National Merit finalist and got the highest award offered to a student in our state. I was a spoiled mom. She didn’t go through the obnoxious teen phase at all. I would listen to the other mothers gripe about their daughters and thank my lucky stars that she was a model child. Now we are in the summer before she goes many miles away to a very good school. Now she is sarcastic, patronizing, rude, etc. I don’t know what to do - but I have to admit it is comforting in some way to hear that another mother is going through it. Hopefully some of the wiser CC moms will have something more helpful to say to you. Hang in there -</p>

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<p>I don’t blame her for not wanting to read newspapers. I try to not pay attention to the news as much as possible either - oftentimes it’s just too overdramatic, or going for the shock value, so on. </p>

<p>I never liked the idea of “summer assignments” either. At my college, your commitment to a class is strictly 15 weeks + finals. You walk in monday, the first day of the semester, classes end in precisely 15 weeks (by policy NO assignments allowed past the final day of classes, except for final exam or final project/paper)</p>

<p>I really see no reason why an AP course (which is often a college semester stretched out to 9 months of HS) needs to go all the way to 12 months. Someone please enlighten me if I’m misguided?</p>

<p>(Off topic rant finished :slight_smile: )</p>

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<p>2leashes, I have the male version of your daughter. He has had one B in the past 8 years but slightly higher test scores. Luckily for us, his summer assignments are not that extensive because he would have a tough time doing them. He just got back from 3 weeks in Germany and I have not brought up the subject of more testing and the tutor that we want him to work with. And I don’t think that I will mention the common ap and preparing college essays for a few more days. I totally sympathize with these kids. As a parent and former college counselor, I know how critical all of this can be to their future, but they do need a break. I am going to try to come up with some incentives so the whole process doesn’t seem like a punishment.</p>

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<p>2Leashes… your husband is right. Your daughter is doing fine and you should lay off.</p>

<p>I’m sure your daughter will be able to identify good fit colleges in the fall and get her applications in on time. Her SAT scores are fine for many colleges, and if she doesn’t really enjoy reading all that much, she probably would’t be happy at the hyper-competitive colleges where she would need higher scores, in any case. </p>

<p>My advice: find some other outlet for your time. I think the AP teacher’s expectations are unreasonable, but even if not, this is a matter between the teacher and your daughter.</p>

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<p>I can say atleast for me, when a teacher gives an assignment, it’s easy to do. You sit down, and do it. When a teacher says “Over the summer read the newspaper.” it’s not as easy to do. You don’t want to do it, there’s no need for you do it, and no one will know if you did or not.</p>

<p>As for talking to you about her school work, what schools she wants to apply to, etc. I didn’t do any of that with my parents. I think you’re getting a false sence or urgency by being here honestly. Situation might be different for her, but I wanted to go to my state school. If I didn’t get in, I’d go to CC and try to switch later. Maybe she wants the same, so she doesn’t really need a list. Not everyone wants to visit and apply to 15 different schools to try to figure out which they like the best. Lots of people simply like convience of going to the nearby “good” school and are happy with it.</p>

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<p>A student with a writing 730 can pull a 4 or 5 on an AP English exam without these crazy summer assignment. </p>

<p>But readjust your expections; there are lovely colleges that would welcome her applications, but not top 50. </p>

<p>College love to see students doing interesting things in summer: a job, travel, a project. Anything that makes them a more interesting well developed person. Doing a teacher’s summer homework isn’t it. </p>

<p>Blow it off and go do something interesting.</p>

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<p>If it were my daughter, I would not push the newspaper reading, particularly if she was doing the rest of the work. </p>

<p>It sounds like she has been assigned work during the summer before. Did she do it without nagging?</p>

<p>I would have a long chat with her about what’s happening upstairs. If there has been a change in her habits, why the change? The goal of the dialogue is not necessarily to influence her, but to keep the lines of communication open and gain insight. </p>

<p>I would also suggest she develop a timetable and plan to get the summer work done. </p>

<p>There are myriad reasons why she might be balking at this late stage. You are in the best position to explore them with her. </p>

<p>I think you are scared she is losing steam and focus just before the crucial final sprint. You don’t sound paranoid, you sound nervous. If she explains her mindset and shows you she has a plan to complete the work you may feel relieved.</p>

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<p>I have never seen my D1 read a paper in HS. The most they have done over the summer is to read their summer list, often it would be done a few weeks before summer is over. My kids are in all APs and honors in school. We also never did any tutoring other than SATs. </p>

<p>I would have your D do SAT practice tests and memorize some CR voca. For her GPA, her SATs are very low. Summer before senior year is critical. It is a good time to complete common app essays and first draft of app. A lot of prep work of requirement for each college should be on a spreadsheet so not to miss deadlines. I would be more inclined to push her to get her act together about the college application. It is not something she could do over.</p>

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<p>If there were no other underlying issue, such as LD, emotional, etc., if she were my child I would have her read news on-line through a legitimate source and listen to recorded versions of ‘great’ literature. My S never liked to read even though a top student. He listened to all the classics on tape and recently (college student) thanked me for having him do this, saying he has the best vocabulary of anyone he knows. He also scored very high on CR, and has finally begun to read voluntarily on his own.</p>

<p>musicmaker - she is scared and is separating from you!</p>

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<p>I agree with oldfort. Visit her target colleges NOW. If there are schools she loves, but her SAT scores are too low to make her a likely admit, she’ll want to do something about it. I know people on CC always say you have to read, read, read to get a high CR score. But I disagree. My son raised his score from dismal to terrific by taking practice tests and figuring out what the test is really looking for. If your D gets motivated to take the practice tests, she can improve dramatically. The test scores are her weak link. Fire her up to focus on those. Let the things that won’t really matter slide. Priorities!</p>

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<p>Oh my. </p>

<p>Give this child a break. She just got out of school.</p>

<p>She has done nothing but excel to this point.</p>

<p>You should be very proud of her.</p>

<p>Do not get caught up in this cc world of 2390 …should I retake?</p>

<p>It’s not worth your relationship, her mental health and the happiness of all. </p>

<p>Love the kid on the couch…</p>

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<p>Perhaps you can help her find the admissions requirements and stats for the schools on her current list. Starting some kind of spreadsheet for the different schools may help her realize what she needs to get done, but don’t go crazy with tons of expectations for summer acomplishments beyond her required assignments. Nagging rarely works and seems unnecessary for a kid who has always gotten the job done.</p>

<p>If SAT scores are her weakness, she may want to consider giving the ACT a try this fall.</p>

<p>Please try to relax, she sounds like a great, normal kid (most do not read the newspaper).</p>

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<p>^ I agree with simplerules about musicmaker’s D. I remember my son’s senior year and then summer before freshman year and joking with him that its all kind of like the last month before childbirth. My the end of your 9th moth of pregnancy you are so tired and uncomfortable that the idea of going through the discomfort of childbirth seems like a relief. Anyhow, it is very common for teens before going away to college to start causing the separation early to make it easier when they go. Stay calm through the process, keep the door open throughout college, and, if you stay there for her, it should work out.</p>

<p>To the OP, last summer (D’s summer before senior year) was difficult in our house also. I think my daughter was burning out from continual “to-do” lists from both the school and parents. In September, she definitely got back into it all and things worked out fine. D has never been a big reader but does great academically. Her verbal SAT was a 680 (she HATED the test) but tried the ACT and got a 36 english, as well as a 36 math. You might see if your daughter is better suited for the ACT testing to take some pressure off in the area of the required testing. Ironically, this summer my daughter has been ready a couple books a week - now that she does not have to. :)</p>

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<p>Either my kids require more nagging than yours, or I’m just a natural nagger. Probably both.</p>

<p>But on those occasions when one of them has shown unusual resistance to my reminders, there has usually turned out to be some specific reason for it. Often, that reason was not obvious to me – and in some cases, it wasn’t obvious to the kid, either, until we sat down and talked about it for a while.</p>

<p>In this case, I wonder whether your daughter’s resistance to the summer assignments and to your reminders about them might reflect a change of heart about whether to take AP English. Might she think – especially given her relatively low CR score – that a standard non-AP 12th grade English class would be a better choice for her? And if she does think that, perhaps she might want to call the guidance department at her high school (they’re usually open most of the summer – except, perhaps, for a two- or three-week period when the staff takes their vacations) and see whether she can get her schedule changed.</p>

<p>As for the SAT, I suspect that she may be dealing with her own reaction to her SAT scores, which are relatively low in comparison to her GPA. It’s quite possible that she thinks that her scores cannot be significantly improved – and she may be right. If that’s the case, she may be rethinking her college selections and realizing that some of the schools she aspired to are likely to be out of reach. That’s a lot for a young person to process.</p>

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<p>2leashes. Here is what you said.</p>

<p>Daughter is a straight A student in honors, accelerated and AP classes.</p>

<p>She is self directed and motivated.</p>

<p>Her AP English teacher has given her a tremendous amount of summer work to compete which you know she will finish.</p>

<p>She is completeing an on line health class through BYU this summer.</p>

<p>She has begun reading the Odyssey.</p>

<p>Your daughters good friends are socializing more this summer.</p>

<p>Your daughters good friend got a higher SAT score than she did.</p>

<p>Your daughter passed up a number of social events during her junior year to stay home and study.</p>

<p>You want your daughter to read more to increase her CR score.</p>

<p>You plan on some college visits this summer.</p>

<p>2leashes. She is doing fine. Really. She needs a break before she gets thrown back into her senior year. She really does. I get tense just reading what she has to do for english class. The teacher should realize these kids need time this summer to think about college choices. I’m glad I’m not your daughter. Let her have a breather. </p>

<p>The easiest and fastest way to increase the cr score is to use flash cards for the vocab. that is on the test. Leave them in the car.</p>

<p>Good luck. I don’t mean to sound harsh but I feel bad for this kid.</p>

<p>I also agree with Marians take on her average SAT score and view of herself. I think this shows she has to work very hard for the grades she has. Good for her. She will do great in college.</p>

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<p>She’s been out for what, two weeks or so? Given your description of her, realize that when push comes to shove, she’ll get her work done. But she needs a break for a little while. She’s looking at this as the last summer she’ll be with her friends planning for the same year together, so certainly she wants to socialize. She’s procrastinating because this is the first time in her life that she doesn’t know where she’ll be next year; there’s no “natural progression” as there was from elementary to middle to high school. It’s quite scary. Or maybe she’s just thinking, “I worked hard all my life, and now I have to work harder to get to a place where I have to work just as hard for the next 4 years? Why?” </p>

<p>My d was the same; everything was overwhelming for her. So I acted as “executive assistant.” I researched the deadlines and admissions requirements for her schools and put them into a spreadsheet. She could deal with this amount of information. She made all the decisions (within our financial constraints), did the apps herself (OK, I filled in the standard family stuff), wrote her essays herself, etc. And she stayed off CC! </p>

<p>And for most teenagers, the more a parent nags, the less she’ll do.</p>

<p>Remember that even if she “blows” the summer assignments, she’ll still do well. And she’ll still be able to find a college she’ll love that will love her and at which she’ll excel.</p>

<p>Relax.</p>

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<p>^ I also acted as “executive assistant”. There was no reason to waste her energy on data entry and such.</p>

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<p>I think Marian may have hit the nail on the head. I also think, based solely on my experiences with other people’s kids, as mine aren’t there yet, that this is pretty typical senior year behavior - they seem to have personality transplants and become less agreeable and less likely to do what we want. My best friend, who has just been through senior year with her daughter, says it must be nature’s way of making the separation easier. She went from crying at the thought of her daughter going off to college to counting the days when she can push the monster out the door.</p>

<p>I’d just let your D do as she will. She knows what needs to be done and has a good track record in school. I doubt that reading the newspaper over the summer is going to make a lick of difference in her college choices or her life in general.</p>

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<p>Welcome to her/your senior year. We empathize. My view is that the AP teacher sets these expectations very high in hopes some kids will do them–and it generates a kind of contagious anxiety that is good for no one (except maybe the teacher who will have some stars in the fall to set the pace for the pack). It is the last summer of high school. These are still kids. Unless she has her heart set on some school for which these scores are the be-all–I would say back off. Nagging is no fun for anyone. Realistically, her social development is also important. You want a child to go off to college feeling competent in many ways. No one thrives in life because of their CR score. (I also commend trying the ACT test;I believe it is a better measure and some kids who are not test-strong do much better on ACT than SAT.</p>

<p>My kids were entirely resistant to any college “prepping”, only did college vists with reluctance and at the last moment. Applications were made ED at the final hour.(But done entirely on their own; I provided snacks and proofreading.) Both were accepted. Made me crazy (this forum both helped in the process and made me anxious, so accept that every family does this differently and you have to find your own path that is right for her) Give her some leash and she will lead you.</p>

<p>Teachers intentions are good, but don’t let them ruin family time which will soon be even less. Give her the responsibility and then put on the duct tape. It is SO hard. But this is the time for them to step up and show you and themselves how they are going to do this next step and beyond. We can model how to organize and support implementing things–but beyond that we are interfering in their development I think. And remember: There are LOTS of colleges that will want your child as a student.</p>