I have a Freshman athlete already on campus in pre-season and who sounded pretty discouraged and miserable today. She went in with an injury, so I know that in addition to the level of commitment being a bit more, she’s also not in her best physical shape and is feeling it. She moved on campus early, so there are very few people in her dorm (roommate doesn’t move in for another week). She left a very tight group of friends behind at home, and is feeling the sting of not being around them, realizing that her time isn’t really hers until November, getting her butt kicked at practices, and the adjustment to being away, and I have a kid that actually said to me, after working 6 years to get where she is, that she’s not sure she wants to continue playing.
Anyone else experience this kind of thing? I’m trying to be objective, and told her to give it a little more time, wait for the other students to arrive on campus, for season to start, before she makes any decisions. I’m concerned that she’s going to make a hasty decision that she can’t undo. She received significant academic money so not playing doesn’t affect her being able to attend, but I still have a good amount of out of pocket – the only reason I was all in on this school is because she had a great opportunity to play, which is what she wanted. Totally didn’t see this coming – playing for this school is all this kid has talked about for the last year. I know the coach is going hard this year, and that a few second year players have actually quit already, because the preseason this year is far tougher that in past years.
She’s never quit anything, I don’t want her to have what I think will be a significant regret later on, and one that can’t be undone. Any “words of wisdom” I provide seem inadequate. Anyone have any thoughts or experiences with this kind of thing and if so what did you do?
That’s tough. I agree that it feels too soon to quit. This is a difficult transition. How far is she? Can you go visit and see with your own eyes how things are looking?
Thanks for the reply. She’s about 2 hours away, so I can get there easily. The challenge is that her free time is practically non-existent – they are on the field or in team activities all day – 7 days a week. It’s a huge change from her high school and club playing experiences. I think she’s being overwhelmed on several levels, and the thought of not really being able to do much more than school work and her sport for the first couple months of college is weighing heavily on her mind.
I was pretty shocked when the "soccer family"in town’s son quit sophomore year at a top tier school. I definitely think she should give it more time, she earned her spot and needs to give it a chance. But at the end of the day, you have to respect her decision if she wants to stop playing. The soccer family was very supportive of their son’s decision and I was very impressed how they handled it.
D1 school? She certainly needs to give it more time especially going in injured. Assume she was a great athlete in hs so she may be feeling the “I’m not as good as I thought I was” syndrome when you get to a school full of people with talent just like you. Also, she is going in injured, so as people get in their groups, in sports it happens to sort/group itself out by ability beside personality, so maybe she is feeling she can’t find “her people” within the team yet.
The reality of how much you sacrifice to play a sport also starts sinking in. To continue, the cost has to be offset by the benefits - things like a great team that becomes your sisters/brothers, a coach who becomes a second parent and mentor, trainers, great athlete perks like their own gym and cafeteria…but those have to mean something to the athlete. I have a D1 athlete that went on to play pro this year (while securing a “normal” job in the future - wooohooo) and lived his dream all four years. And I know many players on his team and others that went through many phases as an athlete. One thing that seems clear to me, is that it is way too early to quit. It is irreversible. If she quits down the road because she wants to focus on academics or other things, that is ok, but now she would be quitting cause she hasn’t had time to bond with the group. The coach should be pulling together some team activities really quickly and the older team mates should be stepping up and doing some outrageous and fun things that make everyone feel part of the team.
The coaches I know always checked in with the freshman parents pretty early on. I don’t think a “secret” email to him/her would be a bad idea. “Between you and me, xxxx is having a bit of a tough time with the injury and adjusting…if you could check in with her…” It appears that coaches get into coaching to win, but even more of them do it because they truly like being there at this point in the lives of young people and they really want to help them develop into great human beings. They understand that comes along with bumps in the road. I wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to him/her. Mom’s know things that coaches don’t see right away sometimes, you should be partners in your daughter’s success. Don’t abuse it and email too much and get into helicopter mode, trust/empower him to help her work through things, but giving a little helping hand or nudge doesn’t hurt now and then.
I am still close to college athletics and players, but it helps to know, is she at a larger D1 program where she has trainers, athlete psychological/advisor support and other things big budget programs provide? Or is this lower budget athletics?
It’s a D3 program, which makes this recent development even more surprising because she wanted to play D3 as opposed to 1 or 2, so that she could have the full college experience outside of athletics. They have their own trainer and the coach seems to be really engaged with the players. However they had a rough season last year, alot of injuries, and other miscellaneous things that contributed to a pretty trying season. I do think that some of the 2nd year athletes quitting this early is indicative of a change in training strategies, and that the coach is (1) weeding out the people who don’t want to put the work in and (2) trying to build a strong team and have a successful season. You know … a coaches job. LOL. Everytime you advance to higher level of play, the level of commitment changes, and the amount of work you have to put in increases. She gets that, I think that since she was injured over the summer, she’s not physically where she would be and she’s feeling the effects of that. But I’m just guessing here. If she ultimately ends up quitting, I’ll be okay with that, as long as she’s given it a fair chance and does’t make the decision so hastily. As you said … quitting is irreversible.
ok, big difference since athletic scholarship not involved then you really just have to want to play, but good news is there is less “guilt” if you make the choice to leave the team in the sense you are not leaving money on the table. And yes, D3 is fab in that it is supposed to be well balanced between athletics and academics. But darn, that idea of winning all the time (which is good too) can mess that balance up. I asked about the trainer because sometimes during an injury period that person ends up being a great friend and motivator to a player working through stuff. Ya a year full of injuries for the team is concerning, you don’t want to keep getting on and off that merry go round as a player. Hopefully she can keep her conditioning up in other parts of her body/fitness around the injury so she doesn’t returned weakened somewhere else. These college athletes are really machines that have to stay tuned up.
She went to d3 to seek balance so encourage her to find it. Don’t let this adjustment period with the team pull down the whole experience. There will be times when academics are “awful” and she will be glad she has her sport. But between both of those are social experiences and just being on her own that she should enjoy. She has to balance the good and the challenges that time in college brings. College is work and I think sometimes kids get the idea it is all supposed to be fun. Life and education is not like Troy and Gabriella in High School Musical! This may be a great learning experience for her to work through - having one part of your life not so great, but not letting it effect the other parts - adulthood, ugh. And she has a parent that supports her through any decision she makes, lucky girl. Just don’t let her give up on herself and the team too soon. There is some amazing things that can come out of college athletics that few are fortunate or talented enough to experience. If the time is right to change, it will be crystal clear. Good luck to you both!
I would agree that you encourage her to stick it out, at least until the rest of the campus returns and she gets a couple of competitions in. I have a D3 athlete in his second season and those first few months are quite an adjustment. Leaving home, college academics, new friends – it can be overwhelming at first. My DS was injured midway through the season and that was discouraging too.
One lucky thing for my DS is that all the incoming freshmen on the team made a Facebook group over the summer and decided to live in the same dorm and almost all rooms with a teammate so they formed a close bond before class even started. If your daughter is comfortable, maybe she can take the initiative to organize an outing with other freshmen to try to get closer.
She will also likely have time for more than her sport and classes. My son joined a social fraternity, volunteered, no even had time to tutor some friends while also exploring his new surroundings. It just takes time to adjust. Encourage her to give it some time. If, after experiencing a full season, she decides it’s time to stop then she would have made the decision with full information.
Do the coaches and trainers know that she is injured? She has to let them know and establish rehab schedule.
She is not missing on social life and study time yet as the school year did not begin. Most probably she is homesick, missing friends and going through the adjustment period with her teammates. They are not allowed to practice 7 days a week. Maybe there were some Sunday teambuilding social activities but this should not be a regular thing when the school starts.
She should use her older teammates to guide her through the all intricacies of campus life, course selections, etc. Being an athlete has this unique advantage that you get to befriend older students right away. Bonding will be pretty quick - they all will be physically struggling together every day. My daughter will be a sophomore. For her older girls on her team were the highest authorities. She did not take any advice from me - she listened to her teammates.
Will the team be travelling and are there any interesting trips on the schedule? Is she interested in sororities - athletes are usually in demand. Find some additional positives of being an athlete. Let her know that she can quit any time but ask her to give it more time.
I think it is good you post in both athlete and the parent forums. A lot of people use the athlete site early on when they need it but can abandon it after their athlete is good to go or through the system. If they want to stay on active on cc, those parents then tend to migrate to the parent forum with all their experience and knowledge!
It’s way too early to quit. She’ll regret it. The overwhelming all day, every day thing she’s going thru now will quit soon when school starts and more normal patterns will emerge. Quitting is an option, but I think it’s only a good option after you have a lot more experience with the coach and the team. There’s a lot of things working against her now with being away from home, new team, new level of play, new coach, being injured, etc that she can’t let cloud her judgement. Keep in close contact with her, maybe visit her, and walk her thru it day by day until the school year starts. Like I said, it’s OK to quit, but doing so now would be more emotional than rational and I think that can lead to regrets. Good luck.
Where is the rest of the team…especially the other incoming freshmen? Our friends whose kids played sports in college said the camaraderie and support of their teammates through thick and thin was on reason they continued to play on college.
Went through this in two ways: oldest D and myself. As to oldest D, she played on a national ranked HS volleyball team, starting as a sophomore in HS. She had legitimate offers from top 20 schools. Her senior year, she told me she wanted to give up competitive volleyball. Now, any parents know at this level, there were also many previous years of club teams, and significant travel. Furthermore, her dear dad, me, was a former D1scholarship athlete–i.e, much pressure. To make matters more complicated, despite NOT playing her senior year, a handful of schools still dangled scholarships.
As to me, I got injured my freshmen year, redshirted my second, got hurt again my redshirt sophomore year, and did not play until my fourth year at school. For me, totally worth it despite the pain and work of it all. And also, it worked for my D, she graduated with honors from a UC, and then recently graduated from UCSF Medicine. So, she made her own and created her own identity; so both paths could potentially have a happy opening.
My DDs first year was really rough she walked on to a D3 and she got injured early in the season too so I can relate. It’s really heartbreaking to hear your kid is troubled. Looking back she’s super glad she stayed in it but it was all her. I never pushed one way or the other. Just asked her to give it time and reninded her that she made a committment and her team was counting on her. I think it’s character building to fall down a little. Good luck!
I think student athletes feel more pressure than we realize. I think it is quite difficult to devote 20 + hours a week to a sport and excel at college level work – and that is especially true for engineering and other rigorous majors. I give them a lot of credit.
If a formal commitment to play has been given to the school I think the pressure is even more real. They feel they really have no choice even if their heart isn’t in it. That’s a tough place to be.
My son played D1 at an Ivy. The coach did talk about there being three parts to college (academic, athletic, and social) and that you can do 2 of the three well.
I think kicking the athletic commitment up the notch that comes with the college level sports (even D3) can be tough – but I would encourage her to tough it out through the first semester. It’s particularly tough coming in not as fit as she wants to be – but things will get better as classes start and the team begins to jell a little.
Just jumping in with an update. One week into classes, a couple of games into the season, and she seems a bit better. Isn’t seeing field time, but she expected that going in. There are a few freshman girls that are playing, but the bulk of them are not – all of this seems to be '“business as usual”. However, she did mention that the group of freshman that haven’t gotten to play yet are often not even called into drills during practices? They do the running and conditioning, but not the drills – they basically just stand there while the “team” drills. I get trying strengthen the players that will be on the field, but I don’t see the logic in neglecting to build up the skills of the other players. Worth noting that this coach recruited and pursued every one of the freshman players this year, via films, game visits, and summer clinics with the team. It seems weird to me that she wouldn’t be developing skill sets of all of the athletes that she brought on board – unless it’s just too early in the season? I mention it only because it’s one thing to be expecting not to play and not playing, but entirely another to show up every day to practice and not be included in a critical part of the training with your teammates.
Additionally, since the start of preseason, 4 girls have left the team (3 of them were returning players, one a senior) because of how the program is structured and being run this year. I hate all this negativity, but I guess some of it comes with the territory.
DD is a 4th year 2 sport athlete at a D3 school. Her experience has included many ups and downs and some similarities with your DD’s experience.
I would suggest that at some point your DD find some time to informally or even formally meet with the coach to get feedback on how she is progressing. With my DD’s primary sport (fall season) the coach meets with the players individually at the beginning of the season (after pre-season), at the end of the season and then again after the spring season has concluded. My DD has also met with her individually a few times to discuss her progress and talk about the coaches expectations and what she should be working on. Not sure all coaches would want to do this in season, but definitely something the coach should be willing to do when the season is over.
It is not unusual for the coach to limit or even keep players who do not see the field out of drills as practice. I think my DD would say her coach never completely excludes players, but there are definitely times when she focuses on the players who will be on the field the most. This changes during the spring season, when everyone should be participating equally (or at least getting some opportunities). Practice time is limited and the coach may be under pressure to win, and that that is likely the reason they are excluding players from the drills. Some coaches would say you have to “earn” that, which is hard to do at this level, once the season has started. The opportunity for that is pre-season and spring season, and if your DD was injured that probably made it difficult for her.
It is also not unusual to see players quit. This goes on in stable and unstable programs. My recollection is that every year a few players quit during the pre-season and a few have quit at the end of the season. Some have surprised my daughter, but in most cases it involved players who were having injury issues, or who knew they would not see much if any playing time. This year my DD’s coach had told the team to expect cuts, but in the end none were made as enough players quit on their own.
I would encourage your daughter stick with it through the season and assess things, factoring input from the coach, after the season has ended. As I said my DD had lots of ups and downs, but I think she would say the experience has been great and overall it has been a great experience.