Agee with this Mindfully.
I just read this entire thread, and as a parent my heart goes out to you. Wanting to leave school isn’t that unusual, but the way he did it was. When you go to his school to get his things please talk to his roommate and ask about behavioral changes and try to get a sense of what’s been going on. If the roommate can give you the names of your son’s friends it might be helpful to ask them how your son was doing. As I write this I know it sounds like an intrusive thing to do, but you can just casually ask questions without sharing anything yourself.
Other than saying he wasn’t happy at school did you see any behavioral changes when he was home from break? Not sleeping, change of appetite? Did he see any high school friends? Did he isolate? This may give you a sense of where he’s at emotionally.
This may be off-base, but do you think your son was going through any sexual identity issues? Would you consider his college as accepting and tolerant or not? I wonder if something happened that caused him embarrassment. I’m just thinking out loud.
Finally, I would ask your son if you can come visit him as soon as possible to bring him things. As a parent, I would want to see for myself that he’s okay.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been there, done that. Because of Affordable Care Act, he can stay on your insurance whether he’s in school or not, living with you or not. Hang in there! We supported and cajoled and encouraged our son through a semester when he wanted to quite and he quit 2 weeks before the end of the semester. It’s hard to know what to do. All you can do is be there for him and love him. And take care of yourself, too! It’s been 3 years but son is back in school. As people said to me a million times (and for a long time I wanted to strangle people when they said it) “They find their own path.”
Why can’t a kid who has always been academically successful and out of trouble, one day switch gears and “take off?” Why does there have to be some underlying issue? For 20 years he’s done everything by the book. Now he is writing his own book. At 20, it’s low risk with nothing to loose.
Low risk with nothing to lose= sitting down with your parents, a Dean, your adviser, your roommate and explaining your situation and filling out the requisite paperwork so the bank of Mom and Dad isn’t financing your taking off with no warning.
Leaving town and making mom pack up your clothes is not the only way to write your own book.
it’s low risk with nothing to loose<<<<<<<
20K of his folks money (or is it 40?). Nice for you to say.
I agree with @blossom and @Sybylla If it was my kid I would be vascillating bertween terrified with worry and complete rage at being left with such a mess – and like someone else said when mine was seriously flailing I was not getting the truth of the details.
This kid was 19 in September. He isn’t 20 yet.
He has taken a detour…and I agree his parents need to be there for him as we all are with our kids. This does not mean they need to provide financial support for an undetermined path.
And it would be nice if he didn’t make them worried…and responsible for dealing with his belongings in college or his withdrawal from college or anything else like that. But that didn’t happen…so hoping the college will work with the family to facilitate something to help with this process.
If he didn’t officially withdraw…will the school even allow them in the dorm room to remove his belongings? I don’t know the answer…but I sure hope so.
I expect his parents will find out much more, including whether the departure was voluntary, when they go to the school.
Not withdrawing cleanly and tying up the loose ends before leaving puts him at significant risk of being chased around by debt collectors, damaging relationship with parents who may be stuck with cosigned debt, and getting a transcript of F grades that will make it much more difficult to return to college (either at the original college or elsewhere) if he wants to do so later.
Notwithstanding the financial consequences to the parents, as long as the kid doesn’t get hooked on alcohol or drugs, or knock up a girl (things that could happen at college, too), he will probably be fine.
@youmomma It’s the way he left, abruptly, leaving his stuff behind. It may just be a reckless, silly teen move or it could be something else. Nineteen is often the age of onset for certain mental illnesses. OP just wants to explore this further, that’s all.
Low risk with nothing to lose- I guess it’s all relative.
Before my kid stuck me with a 20K loan to repay (and no degree) I would hope for the courtesy of a conversation, accompanied by a list or spreadsheet which showed issue/next steps/resolution and some dates. It could be written on a cocktail napkin, but I think parents are within their rights to expect a minimal level of communications when this amount of money is involved.
If he didn’t sign a FERPA waiver, they may not get much info at all. I insisted that my kids sign theirs. One school provided it in the orientation folder with some options on what to check that they were waiving. With the other kid’s school, you’d think I was pulling out their toenails with pliers for the amount of flack I took from them and obstacles they put in the way. My kid had to hand write and sign something in front of the registrar with her own wording (not a form). It was ugly. I didn’t use either kid’s waiver at all, ever. But it was in place in case of mental illness, accident, sudden dropout, etc.
One man’s story is not another’s. But my brother worked his butt off to get into college…nobody worked harder in high school (not just academically but financially too). After 1 year, he dropped out of college and went to Colorado to work as a ski bum…nobody barely heard from him in a full year because he bounced from couch to couch (this is way before cell phones or email)…then, after awhile, he drifted back to school. Three years ago, he sold his company to IBM.
But he did withdraw cleanly to leave the door open to return to school (or transfer to another school), rather than run off with no notice leaving behind debt that would have eventually caught up to him and unfinished course work that would have turned into F grades that would have blocked his return to school, right?
not to mention, leaving his stuff behind. Leaving your stuff behind is usually considered a warning sign.
this is way before cell phones or email<<<<<
Right, s 30 yrs ago or so. 30 yrs ago college wasn’t expensive. It wasn’t even a necessity.
May not even be necessary today.
And with regard to the $20,000 loan, that’s rediculous to begin with. Why would anyone take out that kind of loan for one year of school? Sounds like he is quitting while he is ahead. And at 19 or 20, you don’t really have stuff to leave behind.
Doing it at 30 with a wife, kids and a mortgage is a concern. Not necessarily at 19.
He is doing it TO the people who are married with kids and a mortgage though LOL. All he had to to was withdraw correctly and no second semester tuition would be due. No one (here) would have objected to that. He ran away.