In thinking about your situation (which I know has to be really tough so you have my sympathies), I second the suggestion that you talk to his roommates and friends when you go to pick up his things. Also try to talk to his RA and advisor. Look through his things.
Do you have access to his banking information online? If you do try to look at where he is spending money and what for to give yourself some clues. Also as suggested, see if you can put a track on his phone or some type of parent watch on his cell so you have an idea about his whereabouts. If he has your credit card, put a limit on his transactions like no more than $200 so that way it can be charged a large amount without you knowing about it.
This may be an extreme suggestion but I would want to get my eyes on my child so I would want to fly out West to meet his train when it arrives on the West Coast. Can you find out what train he took and where it is heading. It usually takes a few day to go to California. You can be supportive but just tell him that it worried you when he left his things back at college and didn’t do the paperwork. This would also allow you to evaluate his mental state. It would also give you a chance to talk to him about his “plan’ now that he is on the West Coast. Talk to him about having a regular check-in phone call to you on a date certain and lay some “ground rules” like” if you leave for another state you tell us."
Hang in there and disregard what neighbors will think. My godson quit football and Princeton two days before I flew out to see him play this fall. He just said he was super stressed and he has been doing so much better now. It freaked his mom and I out at first but we can see that he just needed a college break.
I think everyone should look at their individual insurance plans to see if their kid can in fact be on until 26. Yes, legally they are supposed to but companies have all the caveats and I have no idea how they are legal. Our insurance sent a letter that a grown child has to be either a full time student or not absent from the family home more than 90 days a year. Basically, they are covered until 26 IF they live with you. What the heck? Is that part of the law? Anyway, I’m sure other insurance companies aren’t pulling that but just thought I’d mention that everyone should check.
@Hittheroad - Just dropping in to send some words of encouragement. This kind of situation is tough. Try to find a local friend that can be a listening ear.
The OP hasn’t been here since post #43, and difficult as acceptance of the situation was for the parents, the OP’s viewpoint seemed much more positive than most of the posters here.
We don’t know the kid and really don’t have much information about the “mess” left behind, whether there was a refund, or maybe the son shipped his stuff (the parents would have to get it anyway if he didn’t have a car). The loans so far paid for a whole semester of excellent grades and is not a waste.
I would follow the lead of the actual OP in trying to view this positively, with the obvious reservations and need to stay in touch. And I hope the son has a wonderful adventure and gets reoriented, however long that takes, and that all is well.
This has become a conversation between parents other than the OP and a litmus test of sorts for parenting philosophies. I don’t think it is that useful anymore since the OP isn’t here.
Agree Compmom, although I would like to hear that the son is doing well.
As to the insurance thing, I just read the HHS website and the federal law is that a young person can stay on their parents plan IF it covers children until they are 26 regardless of where they live or are in school. That is for medical insurance only though, not for dental or vision care. Unless something has changed recently, it seems this kid would remain covered and that insurance letter is not correct @turtletime. The cost is another thing, however. Not sure if the company is saying the child would not be included in the “family” group if he or she does not meet those requirements and would have to be covered separately?
Hope your son is doing well OP and finds his path.
@compmom Why do you keep trying to shut this conversation down? I see no harm in chatting about different situations parents have seen or thoughts on it. I’m sure the OP is busy dealing with this, but we don’t need to be in stasis here. Hoping they will provide updates, and hope it will be good news. But you can also stop reading if it upsets you somehow.
I’m hoping this thread stays open a long time – I’m interested in how it plays out. And it could be instructional for other parents in the future if their kid does something like this. I also assume the OP opened it for support and opinions on possible courses of action.
Totally agree with @compmom and love the attitude of the OP. Already tired of the postings of how a 20k loan is so scandalous, Mayberry was decades ago. Everyone has a different financial situation - borrowing 50k every year works for some because their investments will wipe that out in 10 minutes when college is done. I find it most surprising people don’t trust their kids and won’t sign a loan to begin with. This kid may pay it back someday or was never expected to in the first place. Or all the dangers out there…c’mon he’s 19 and stepping out of the box can be the best thing ever.
OP obviously wasn’t at all concerned about the money and isn’t gonna abandon her kid for a lousy 20 grand which doesn’t even buy a good used car these days. When a thread goes on and on repetitiously with unjustified statements of doom and gloom it just becomes silly and not useful to the OP.
It’s cute to say that people borrow 50K per year because they can wipe it out in 10 minutes with their alleged investments— but the statistics on parent plus loans suggest that this is an urban legend. Yes- there are a couple of Mitt Romney types whose money is tied up in long term vehicles with limited liquidity. But the vast majority of parents who borrow are people who don’t have the dough. Liquid, not liquid, long term capital gains are a problem, short term gains a problem are all irrelevant for people who don’t have the money.
If OP wasn’t concerned about the money OP wouldn’t have mentioned it at all.
I’d love to see evidence that people borrowing 200K for college (50K times four years) do so because their portfolios can’t be liquidated quickly enough to pay a bill (which they’ve known was coming for aprox. 18 years).
I’ve been wondering if the $20K was for the whole year and if it has all been disbursed, and maybe if only half has been given to the school or something, maybe they can just pay back $10K immediately. But we didn’t take Parent Plus or private loans out, so I’m unclear on how those are disbursed.
OP notes she is “dumbfounded”, is working thru the “anger and denial” but finding it “hard” and calls her son’s actions “irresponsible” ( all of which seems reasonable to me). I’m not seening the rainbows and unicorns result some posters are alluding to.
@Hittheroad I just want you to know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I have no idea what it is like to be in your shoes, but I can try to imagine. The most important thing right now is that your son is safe. Please update when you can.
@ucbalumnus my eldest tore through her $20K 529 with pretty much nothing to show for it AND a $5000 loan which thank goodness in not co-signed by me. THAT was/is a good deal of money to me and no I was not and am still not happy about it. And had she just run off I would be beyond livid honestly.
I have retirement and several other college age children and am in no position to ‘oh well’ $20,000. I feel quite sure I am not remotely alone in that and honestly I do well for myself financially but still geesh.
@ucbalumnus and @blossom I was agreeing with you - but yes I cannot imagine why any parent would just say ‘eh’ finding themselves, under the circumstances described.
First I want you to know that when I read your post my heart sank for you. Not for the money that is wasted or that he just dropped out of college, but because your son just took off on a train out West with no plan. I have 2 college kids that are away and I would hope if one of them decided that college was “not their thing” that we would discuss as a family and withdraw responsibility. I hope you get in touch with your son and he is safe and sound out West. Please let us know how he is doing!
Both my brothers did this and thankfully everything turned out OK (though I’m sure my parents turned grey a year or two earlier than they should have!).
On a practical note, it took a decade or so, but both paid my parents back and then some.
Most kids that leave college have no plan in my conversations with parents with kids who have done this. Quite a few went back a few years later and finished. The timing of the OP’s kid is unsettling but may have not make a difference in the long haul. Some kids get to college and realize or are told they shouldn’t be there. Some kids get to college sail on through and have no clue what to do with their lives when completed like the 30 year old living down the street in his parents basement - both ends of the spectrum. Somewhere in the middle are the kids who start and either know what they want to do or figure it out while still in college. It’s not a sprint. Life is not a sprint. It’s a journey with all kinds of potential detours if you take them.