^^^^Good idea.
Boyfriend quit college the second day. Absolute zero. An anti-intellectual moron. That’s so bad for her, and you. And both data and anecdotes both say this: picking a college based on HS Bf is not a good idea. And he is already gone from school.
Your daughter has graduated from high school and has a scholarship, which I would guess is not a full pay. So you are likely helping her financially, which is fine, as long as she is in school. We told our D13, and have told D17 and D19, we will pay for college, all of it, if they are in school. If they quit, they will not come home. They can work and live with friends or boyfriend or boyfriend’s parents. If they want to return to school, we can pay again, though if they have dropped out, it will likely be a lesser school. D13’s BF in fact did quit college his first year and now is in CC doing OK. Not our pick for a future son-in-law but D13 is beginning senior year at college.
But your situation is not that dire right now. (Sorry for my rant. Situation hits a bit close to home.) I’d not be confrontational with her, other than encouraging her to finish the semester, then later consider the year. She may be done with him by October anyway, by the sound of his maturity. I would definitely seek a counselor at college, even if D is resistant, as she needs someone else to help talk sense to her. Overall, the best thing (and this is hard) is to try to remain calm, stall a little, hope her eyes are opened.
Unless my kid were in physical danger from the significant other, or she was blowing off broader family obligations (dinner with grandparents, family parties, etc), I would not have restricted my kids’ time with a SO. I think you may be hurting yourself by being “the parent who cried wolf”. By making a stink about day to day time spent with him, you have probably forfeited credibility in having any say over the relationship in general. Sounds to me like you are in her face about this, and she is pushing back. I’d put my line in the sand further back, merely that she needs to give this college a year, and can fill out transfer apps in the spring if she wants to. Then let her make her own decisions about this guy and her relationship.
@tedss Looking at my post, it looks harsh and unfeeling. Sorry about that. There could be other things going on here, like your D having misgivings about leaving home.How far away is her college? Does she know anyone there? Si she anxious about her sport, regarding playing time, increased level of competition, etc? The whole BF thing could be masking these. Or it might just be nothing but romance. Be supportive and kind but firm. So obvious and so hard to do sometimes.
She’d need to check with her coach on her eligibility if she doesn’t go to school in the spring, and whether the coach would let her keep her scholarship.
She couldn’t wait for college, and to play at a higher level. It was the only school she applied to. It is what she wanted, up until May. Then she dissociated from her two best friends and would only see him, so that is why I metered her time with him. Unfortunately it was too late.
I think restricting time with BF was not unreasonable, given that D still lived with them. And it sounds like she complied, instead of running away or something. But the past is done. I agree with @intparent about putting line in sand further back, and as calmly as possible remind her she needs to continue what she obligated herself to.
Too late for what? You have not convinced me that going Defcon 1 on the relationship was a helpful step.
Not necessarily Defcon 1. 17 and 18 year-olds are still kids, at least emotionally, and parents nneded to take a stand against what they correctly saw as a looming disaster. If they did nothing, what if D comes back years later and say. why didn’t you try and stop me? Doesn’t sound what they did was all that drastic.
But regardless of brains not fully developing till the early 20s, now D is a legal adult, and need to be held accountable if she does something as rash as quitting college tomorrow. And parents need a firm and united plan.
That is actually a good question – OP, what does the student’s other parent think about this?
“Well…If she has an athletic scholarship…who will pay for her to attend any college without an athletic scholarship?”
Mm-hmm…
Clarification: for our family, the age rules change August after your senior year of HS. Till then you are under our roof and we fully support all your needs. (I don’t know anyone who ever kicked out a HS Senior who was doing okay just because she turned 18 her Senior year). But when it’s time to go to college, it’s time to step into adulthood, ready or not. A parent cannot make that HS grad go to college, but does not have to, and should not, enable dropping out by allowing child to come home and sit or work part-time, or take a gap year with Netflix. This is not specific to OP, but a rule of thumb way of looking at such situations.
Too late for what??? It is not healthy when multi-year long relationships end due to the insertion of a new boyfriend. Even juveniles know that so they lie about specifics.
You never met me.
I started dating a guy during the summer just before college. The college I was about to start attending was nowhere near his college. Still, somehow, we ended up in a serious relationship and got married four years later.
The turkey drop is common but not inevitable.
I wonder what happened to the OP’s daughter’s boyfriend that prompted him to drop out of college after only a couple of days? People seem to be assuming that it was laziness, but the cases I’ve known in which people dropped out of college almost immediately were not like that. It was always more of an adjustment problem or a worsening of a preexisting mental health issue (such as anxiety).
Might the OP’s daughter want to be with her boyfriend because she knows he is going through a hard time?
Regarding OP’s daughter’s BF, it could be anxiety/other issues with him. But daughter also quitting school to be near him is a decision with only poor future consequences. Even if they continue relationship, it would be a disaster for her to throw away athletic scholarship. It’s BF’s family responsibility to deal with him.
Based on OP’s description of BF in post#15, he sounds possessive and envious. Tough situation for OP and family, with teen emotions trumping rational behavior.
^^^^^^^^^^ I agree with possessive. Don’t mean to cause any worry, but new girlfriends would be the best. It would bother me that she stopped associating with her two friends in high school.
Hugs to You! Hope it works out. Maybe her BF is going through a rough time, and maybe he needs the counselor.
Again, I hope it works out.
So sorry you are dealing with such a life-altering situation. Glad you mentioned that your D has dropped her best friends and seems to have a singular obsession with BF. That really frames things differently. Makes this seem more of a mental health issue, not just clinging to a boyfriend, but cutting off her entire social circle so that her whole life can be focused on just one person.
If the BF is orchestrating D’s cutting off of friends, you were probably right to limit her time with him this summer. Are you able to discern if she is making effort to interact with her roommate, dorm friends, sport teammates?
You and your D’s father (are you married, or is Father at least in the picture?) need a solid, united front to present to D. Discuss options, maybe even with a counselor, to come up with a plan of action that both of you are willing to support and defend. You don’t want your D to play one parent against another.
Especially if the BF seems to have a possessive personality and you think he is manipulating her, a professional counselor can be a valuable resource.
You can not change the way your D is thinking. As several good posts have pointed out, you can only decide what you as parents are willing to support/not support and let your D know the rules. If she chooses BF, you can let her know she has no home to come back to, no funds for college, no car to drive, etc. Again, only say what you both as parents are willing to follow through with.
I helped a friend whose high school son was doing drugs and skipping school. The parents took away his car and hid it at my house for several months. They kicked him out of their house, and had to pray and wait out a tough few months. The son finally got tired of sleeping on couches at various friends’ houses, and asked to come home. Parents opened their arms and welcomed him home. Of course, he had to submit to random drug tests, and they ended up sending him to an alternative high school. But that kid ended up in the military, and as a 30 year old is about to graduate from college. He is a great success story for those parents who have lost hope. Point A to Point B took over a decade, but the end result is a very happy kid who loves his parents, his life, and his job prospects.
Thanks to all for the warm thoughts and suggestions.
My wife and I are united.
The BF is progressive and wasn’t sure if going away to college was financially justified. After one day at college he decided to come home, find a job and go to CC. He does not seem to be a bad kid, just a little lost. I do not know if he is encouraging my D to move home after the first term. She believes that she can not be happy away from him, and nothing else matters.
She has agreed to complete the first term. We think it is important to complete the year. She refuses.
Here are our options.
Option 1 - play hard ball. Tell her she will be on her own. No house, no car, no money. The positive is that this may force her to actually do the math and realize that completing the year is a better option. The down side is that she may obsess even more and become more irrational.
Option 2 is to support her decision to come home after the first term. The positive is that it will stop the tension with us and maybe she will relax and start being more open minded about where she is - eventually realizing that she should stay. The downside is that it puts her on the path to leaving school.
Option 3 is to support Option 2 only after she has obtained adequate professional counseling.
I’m glad she has agreed to complete the 1st semester. Maybe things will change for her over the coming months.
Why don’t you, your wife and your daughter agree to revisit the subject several months from now and not make any decision or ultimatums until then. Keep all options open rather than having her feel she is pushed into a corner now.
Parents of newborns have no clue what lies ahead…the battle for potty training is nothing compared to the serious life-altering situations a teenager can entangle themselves in. I am glad you have a spouse willing to unite with you to engage your child in some difficult discussions.
Again, counseling for you as parents can help you articulate your concerns and possible options, as well as learn from an experienced professional who is not emotional tied to this situation. Maybe there are other options that you just haven’t thought of yet. As a parent, I would want a professional to help me understand if BF is just a normal distraction or a more menacing manipulator.
I like the idea of not throwing out ultimatums right away. Let the tension settle a bit, maybe get your D to go to counseling, and let college life and new friends have a chance to influence her.