Hello,
I am currently a freshman at a 35,000+ university considering transferring to my girlfriends school with >10,000 students. Her school is pretty far from home for us, but my school is twice as far, I am not too focused on finding somewhere close to home. This is my first semester at my current college, and the first three months were very rough. I locked myself in my room all day and called my parents multiple times a day panicking and begging to leave, almost left the school in early October because I was so upset. Positively, I have now become a bit more acclimated to the school, but I am still over whelmed by its size, and I have trouble succeeding in large lecture halls. Her schools classes are much smaller. I understand the question “what if your break up?” but I have been friends with this girl for a long time, and we have dated before, and broken up, and watched each other date other people. I don’t plan on ever breaking up and I don’t see it happening anytime soon, but I know that life happens, and going through that break up would be tough but I am pretty confident we could stay friends or at least be civil. I am in a club that I have earned a scholarship with to cover my full tuition at my school starting next fall at my current school. I could earn a similar scholarship if I transferred to her school to start next semester. If I waited to transfer next fall I would have to pay for next fall and then the scholarship would kick in the following spring. The third option is we do long distance for 4 years. If she was not at that school, I would not have thought to look there, but I have visited a few times and really think I would enjoy it.
Here is my thought right now
- it could be smart for me to stay at my school next semester to get full year of experience there to see how it truly is, but on the downside to that I would be paying for an extra semester of college.
2)doing long distance for a second semester could be a good test of the strength of our relationship, even though I’m very ready to be with her it could be smart to challenge us. We have done very very well long distance this semester and it has made us a lot stronger as a couple.
3)if I plan to transfer there eventually, is staying at my current school worth it for another semester?
- I believe we could do the long distance for 4 years, but if I am struggling at my school, and her school seems to be a good fit, seems reasonable to transfer.
- I am very indecisive when it comes to big choices and I overthink everything and try to plan for way into the future, and I am worried that even though I have gone through some tough times at my school I could regret leaving, and I would leave my group of guy friends I have grown pretty close with.
I have about a week to decide if I am going to accept my admission there for the spring, so for any of you who decided to read this huge post, thank you and I would love some advice from outside sources!
If you’re going to just tell me I am foolish than please refrain, just trying to find some constructive opinions.
To me, the best thing to do might be to assume (just for the purpose of a mind experiment) that you and your girlfriend are going to break up the week after you transfer. Then decide if you knew that this would happen whether the transfer would still make sense.
Some things to think about:
- What would your current school cost from now until you graduate with a bachelor's degree? Can you afford this without any debt? What would the other school cost from when you start until you graduate with a bachelor's degree? Can you afford this without any debt?
- What is your major? Do both schools offer your major? How do the programs compare?
- Which school would give you better chances for internships or coops?
I currently have a daughter who is studying at a small university. The small class sizes are a big deal. She gets to know her professors. This has helped her get into the coop program and has also helped her get additional research opportunities (in addition to the coop). In one case (the first day of her freshman year) this also allowed the professor to notice that she didn’t belong in a second year class, and they had her transferred to a third year class by the end of the day. I am not sure if this would have happened at a larger school. The third year class ended up being perfect for her (she did well in it). At least for her being in a slightly smaller school has been perfect.
My other daughter graduated from a larger school. This did allow the school to offer some slightly unusual majors and have some resources that would not be offered at a smaller school. This only matters if you have a reason to take advantage of these “not always available” features.
I would not worry about small differences in school rankings. If one school is ranked #50 and the other is ranked #80 then no one will ever care at all about the difference. Finding a good academic match and a good “I like it here” match is much more important.
If you can afford it without debt, if the new school offers a good program in your major, and if you would be happy in the new school even if you and your girlfriend were to break up the week after you get there, then the transfer is likely to make sense.
I don’t understand the finances. Are both schools affordable for your family? How much debt does each require?
What does your girlfriend suggest that you do ?
Also, why not name the schools as both are very large–so you won’t risk being identified–and your thread will likely generate more comments.
How serious of a relationship?
What does she want you to do?
You need to separate out your educational decisions and your girlfriend decisions. You have them lumped together. Make a list of pros and cons based on education only. See what comes up as the best choice.
After you make that choice, let the chips fall with the girlfriend. Most likely wherever you go to school you won’t last so push her out of your mind when choosing your school.
“This is my first semester at my current college, and the first three months were very rough. I locked myself in my room all day and called my parents multiple times a day panicking and begging to leave, almost left the school in early October because I was so upset.”
This description is disturbing. What turned things around for you? Have they really turned around? If you change institutions, what are you going to look for?
Transferring may make sense because you are unhappy with the size of your college. But the best place for you to go to might not be where your girlfriend is. You need to be looking at other target institutions, not just hers.
Is her college better or worse as a college for you in terms of cost, what you want to study, etc. (without considering your relationship with her)?
- I would come out of graduation with the same amount of debt from both schools, the school I would be transferring to is actually a few thousand dollars cheaper but not a huge change.
-One of my mentors at my school recently brought up a similar idea regarding what I would do and if I would be happy if we broke up. I think I would still be able to happy at her school if I broke up once I got there because we started our relationship as being friends, dated once before and broke up, and it was pretty easy for us to transition back into a good friendship after that, which led to us dating now, but it would definitely be challenging if that happened early in the semester there.
-I plan to go on to Physical Therapy school after I get my bachelor’s degree in exercise science. A 3.4-3.6 Gpa is competitive to get into these programs. I have some other friends at her school, and I know what kind of students they are, and I am a much better student than them and they are excelling. My current college is known for being hard to get good grades, it’s actually top 10 on the list of hardest colleges to get an A. For the most part I am doing well in my classes right now, but I think that is because I am not in the actually challenging classes here because I withdrew from my chemistry class because the best grade I could’ve gotten would be a C after the first exam. When I have doubts about transferring I remind myself that if I want to get into a graduate program, my school might not be the best option for that.
- I have begun to like my current school a lot more, because I have a close group of 3 friends here and I spend almost all my free time with one friend in particular, whether it be working out, studying, going out on the weekend, or just hanging out in our dorms. I am fearful about the transition of finding a new friend group at a new school, because it took me 3 months to develop my friend group now (we didn't start being close until halloween). Since I dropped my chemistry class, everything has been kind of laid back for me, but I fear that next semester when I get back into the classes that a lot of students fail here, I would regret staying.
- My girlfriend and I have had some serious talks about the transfer (sidetone: I accepted my enrollment to her university, but there's always a chance to back out if something snaps in my thought and I realize I don't want to transfer) We have no plans of breaking up, no one ever does haha, but we have discussed what it would look like if we did. we have stressed the importance of being our own individuals in college and not taking each other away from friends or school, which we admittedly did in high school. She is very excited by the idea of me going there. If I ever bring up a reason of doubt, for example: "what if I miss the social scene here" or "what if it's not better than here and I regret it", she is pretty quick with a response to ease my doubt.
Thanks!
I’m not convinced that the problem is the school. It really sounds like the problems are already pre-existing. If you’re locking yourself in your room and calling your parents over and over, there may be some anxiety/and depression there. That’s going to follow you around to the next school unless you get it treated. BEFORE you go too far, go to the student health center.