She picked the school for a sport and academics. She was very excited to go to college up until May. Then she got too serious with a HS boyfriend. Now she says she doesn’t care about playing the sport anymore and want to leave school. First she wanted to transfer to his college but he since quit on the second day and came home. Now she want to come home to be near the BF after completing the first term. We told her she needs to finish out the year. She is very stubborn and has developed an obsession.
Should I continue to insist on a full year which causes frequent arguments or should I soften hoping that she grows out of this irrational thinking eventually and decides for herself to stay for the second term?
Are there any references or data that demonstrates that decisions based on boyfriends are bad decisions?
Should we push her to see a school therapist?
Ugh!
“Should we push her to see a school therapist?”
Yes
Every freshman girl who had a high school boyfriend I met when I was a freshman – including me – ended up breaking up over Thanksgiving or Christmas break. ALL of them. While she may benefit from seeing a school therapist, she might also benefit if she’s encouraged to go to parties and join clubs. You know, socialize, meet other boys. Does she have any friends at her school? Maybe they can help her transition into feeling like she “belongs” there.
(edited for clarity)
Hmm… I think I’d stick to my guns on a full year. Tell her that if it is a real relationship for the long term, another semester away won’t break it. And if it can’t withstand that, then it isn’t a relationship worth turning her life upside down for.
I would tell her she can fill out transfer applications after winter break if she still wants to transfer then. But there is no “coming home” for next summer without a college plan of some kind (continuing at her current school, admission to a local school in hand, plans for community college, or otherwise she will have to move out and support herself).
I would not send her to a therapist. Just because you are not in love with her boyfriend does not mean she is not actually in love. The more you belittle or dismiss her feelings, the more stubborn she is going to get. And honestly, maybe the less likely to break up with him even if she decides eventually she should. But if it were my kid, I’d that she give college a full year with a transfer acceptance in hand at the end of that year if she decides not to return for her second year.
I’d also remind her that her college grades this next year will follow her EVERYWHERE for the rest of her college attempts, so going and giving it all she has academically is in her best interest.
But you are not her warden… she is a young adult. If after giving it a semester, she still wants to fill out transfer apps, I’d be supportive at that point. Remember that she doesn’t even get acceptances until late in freshman year, and she should have a better idea of how sturdy the relationship is by then. And ultimately – ALL decisions made based on significant others aren’t necessarily bad ones. Think about if she stays with this young man and marries him – trust me that your behavior now will come back to haunt you if you have unkind words to say about him or dismiss their relationship. You will be sorry in the long run if it is a relationship that works out.
“socialize, meet other boys… feeling like she “belongs” there.”
Definitely. She might see the difference between boys in her 4 years university and her BF who quit.
She needs to make friends at her school. She doesn’t need to be encouraged to meet other boys. That will just make it sound like you want her to ditch the current BF. She needs to become involved in things at her school.
You don’t mention finances. Does she have financial aid at her current school?
So…I’m not clear…if he has dropped out…where exactly would she transfer to?
Hugs to you, OP…this is a tough situation.
One question: Are you able to talk the parents of the boyfriend? I would imagine that they are freaking out too.
One thing I would do: I would tell my daughter, “your relationship is a serious one and is important and I respect that…I will try to support it anyway I can…let’s get through this first year so it’ll be easier to transfer if that’s what you want…I know your relationship is strong enough to last this year.”
Why doesn’t she tell the boyfriend to get a job where she is going to college? Why in the world is it so obvious that she has to move to be near him, when he is a lot more mobile at the moment. Putting aside all of the other value judgments people are making here – value judgments I pretty much share – it really naffs me off that this young couple obviously thinks it’s the girl’s responsibility to sacrifice for the relationship.
Of course, I doubt the OP would be overjoyed to hear that her daughter was staying in college where she is because she had moved in with the boyfriend, who is bagging groceries at the supermarket. But, hey, that’s the kind of compromise solutions are made of.
I’d also use the angle that if this IS a serious relationship to her and if she and the BF see any future together, than paramount to that future is getting the best education she can and doing the best she can at her current school (which you state she chose for the academics) so her future and earning potential is maximized. If the relationship is meant to last it will last. Long term relationships go through many hurdles - this is their first test to making that work for them.
Take things one term at a time. This may resolve itself.
Don’t make blanket statements to her about what you will or won’t do. Among the adults, of course, her idea is bananas.
She may get involved in her sport and meet a lot of friends that way and not want to leave the school She may really like the school and town and not want to leave.
My daughter had a HS boyfriend, but it was long distance. I was worried that when she was at college she’d spend all her time on the phone with him or plotting ways to go visit. I did the happy dance when she broke up with him in June. Now she has a boyfriend she met at college, but he doesn’t go to the college and moved home (2.5 hours) last year. She did spend way too much time going to visit and talking on the phone. In the spring she was gone for an internship, and this summer she spent 6 weeks in his town and with his family. She didn’t like it.
Upon returning to school, she’s under an edict that she is not to go visit him, at all, because she has to work. I think she’s already seeing that his life is not her life. He’s back in college now, but he’s 6 years older than her and not living a ‘college life.’ I like him, but he’s not a college kid and I don’t want my daughter to go live in a small town without a college degree.
I’m really hoping she does a semester abroad next spring.
Thank you all for the thoughtful responses.
I have explained to her the many people I know that did marry the HS sweetheart after going to separate colleges. And that time and distance are needed to determine whom one should marry. And that a BF is not an appropriate reason to choose or leave a school. She says she knows best and she is miserable away from the BF. She plays a sport so she has “friends” but she has become obsessive about needing to be near him. During the summer I had to restrict her to seeing him every other day. She agrees to complete the first term since she has an athletic scholarship but then she insists on leaving regardless as to what we say. If we agreed, she would be less hostile to us but perhaps less likely to give school a fair shot. If we continue to insist on her completing both terms, she will be more hostile to us - but maybe she will be more self reflective.
Well…If she has an athletic scholarship…who will pay for her to attend any college without an athletic scholarship?
I think she should talk to a school counselor. Sometimes it is helpful for young people to talk to a disinterested third party and someone without any “skin in the game”. Sometimes kids respond better to advice not coming from parents. Perhaps the counselor can give her some coping mechanisms for dealing with how much she misses him.
Excuse me if I am making assumptions here but the other thing I’ve talked to my kids about are the biological and emotional attachments we experience when involved in a sexually physical relationship.
Your question is rational but her thought process is not.
She will pay, “money is not important”. She is an over achiever who fell in love with a guy who says sports are dumb, money is not important, tax the rich, isis has nothing to do with religion, …
We faced a similar situation. We offered our full emotional support for whatever our adult child chose to do. However our financial support was not available for choices we believed were counterproductive to a successful future. Fortunately the relationship that was 100% committed in October was over by January.
How will she pay, exactly? She needs to tell you that. Please have her see the school counselor under the guise of helping her cope with the separation, but hopefully they will talk some sense into her.
Is she still playing her sport?
I don’t think you can force her to return after this term ends, but you can withhold any contribution to her education which will limit her choices (local community college? online?). Does she plan on attending a local school, living at home and getting a job, moving in with boyfriend? Are you going to set rules about her paying rent, having a curfew, using family cars if she moves back home? She may be assuming she’ll have her old life back if she lives at home, and the reality may be a lot different than being a high school kid dating a boyfriend with few responsibilities.
She’s not going to make any big changes right now, so let it drop until October.
If she does leave the school, convince her to make it a leave of absence instead of a withdrawal so she has the option of going back should her frame of mind/the relationship change.