Tell her you’ll revisit the matter over Thanksgiving.
(don’t mention spring transfer deadlines : if she’s truly motivated she’ll do the basic research herself.)
If at Thanksgiving she’s still sure, you’ll discuss all options - bf moving near her school and their getting an apartment next year, included. (this keeps her in college if it goes through and in the meanwhile is a good proof you take her seriously.)
Remind her that if she wants to transfer her grades and leadership will matter, as does her respect for the team and coach (and vice-versa).
Objectively, don’t tell her, but odds are that by Thanksgiving she’ll have changed her mind.
In case you have to engage on the topic : Isis is not a religion, strictly speaking it’s an apocalyptic cult (IE., working toward bringing the end of times and the advent of heaven on earth, according to the book they use for divine revelation.) I’m guessing though that the boyfriend doesn’t read foreign policy articles but just in case it comes up you’re armed :).
I wouldn’t go as far to kick the kid out. That’s a bit extreme for the situation at hand. I would honestly let her do whatever she wants. Her life, her choice. I would, however, stand firm on the financial aspect. I wouldn’t pay any more for school B then I’m paying for school A. Any overages due to loss of scholarship would be on her.
But when this all blows up in her face as it likely will no mommy or daddy to rescue. Let her sit in the consequences of her choice and figure it out herself. Sometimes life is the best teacher.
Again, adverse incentives. You really want to make it easier for your kid to begin a downward spiral (out of the house- then living with friends, then the friends sublet goes away so now your kid is homeless) when all you were trying to do was send a message?
So send the message. Your education is important to us. You getting a degree is important to us. We respect the fact that right now, your BF seems more important to you than your education. We get that. So let’s all sit down and figure out a way for you to take time off/step off/find a job instead of college that doesn’t put our family at risk financially, and doesn’t blow through your college fund without you ever getting close to finishing. You are our daughter even when we disagree with the choices you are making, but we’d like to help you figure out a plan that doesn’t have you working at a fast food restaurant when you are 40 because you never got a college degree.
I’d leave it alone until Thanksgiving at the earliest-really, unless she drops out now, there’s no point in talking about it. because nothing can be accomplished. You won’t talk her out of it because she’s not rational, but she might change her mind all on her own over the next few months. I’d just say “it doesn’t make sense to make a decision now, just enjoy school and we’ll discuss it over the holidays.”
I would want to know what her plan is after this semester. Is she going to come home and get a job? Transfer to the CC? Live at home or are they going to live together? I don’t think you can actually change her mind. They might break up but still I would have her come up with the plan on what she is going to do. Also you need to make sure she knows that she either needs to have a job,go to school or both. She can’t just come home and spend all her time with the BF…
Doesn’t anyone know women who have dumped all their girlfriends when a new guy comes into their life? I think it is really common… I still don’t see a need for counseling. Teens do this all the time – “obsession” is pretty much the definition of first love. Not saying it is great for everyone around them or that they make the best decisions resulting from it. But I just don’t see evidence of a mental health issue – I see biology at work.
I think counseling can be really helpful for all kinds of things without mental health being a concern. I went for a couple of visits when my H and I were at loggerheads about something concerning my two older kids. The counselor helped me create a communication plan for talking and HEARING my H and my ex as well. Everything worked out. My older D went to counseling for awhile as she sorted out some stuff having to do with her dad, stepmom, me and H. Counseling is not at all only for mental health concerns-it can just help folks see through the fog of the moment.
@intparent yeah we had a friend like that when I was in high school. Get a new boyfriend-poof-she and boyfriend break up-she’s baaaaaack. It was so predictable.
Ironically, the only time we hear from her now is when she’s having trouble with her husband (or kids, it’s usually to ask one of us for advice).
@sseamom, I will grant you that counseling can have benefits as you stated. But I get the impression that the OP thinks his kid’s behavior is abnormal. I am not seeing it in the info provided so far. Displeasing to her parents? Yes. Abnormal or pathological in some way? No. Family counseling might be the way to go.
Counseling is helpful even in the absence of mental illness. When one is about to make a life altering decision it’s helpful to talk to a neutral party. As a parent, I would insist that my child talk to someone at the school. Freshman year is rough for lots of kids. She might be using the BF excuse as a way of running away from first year stressors. Maybe if these stressors are alleviated she might make better decisions for herself.