Freshman year - different expectations for "being independent"

Parents Social Lounge
21

Agree with above posters. DO NOT give them legal access to anything! Even when our son was still under 18 and a college student we did not have access to his grades until he chose to send them to us. We paid for everything but he was the one who had access unless he chose to give it to us. One way he dealt with us was using delay tactics, disliked it with him but they do work. Ignore requests to do paperwork- you only need to make it through a month or so. You can choose one parent to have medical rights in case you are incapable- choose the parent. Regardless do fill out any forms for health care directives so your wishes are there (this is independent of giving over rights to decision making to another person).

It sounds like you have done a great job of getting to the point you are at. Once you are in college it will be so much easier to ignore your parents. I know because our son, and many others’ from CC threads in the past, basically ignored us more than we wished. It would be nice if you called each parent every week the first semester for a short chat to say you’re still alive and well. No need to give any details about grades et al. It can take far less than 5 minutes per call.

22

One more in agreement that you don’t have to give them anything. You are an adult and it sounds like you have it all together and are ready to take on college and be really successful. Don’t give them access to anything. You are down to just a few more weeks before you leave - try to keep the peace and then once your settled in, revoke access and move on. And out of respect, just keep them posted periodically. And yes, you can choose who will make decisions for you in the event you are incapacitated. Good luck! College rocks!

23

Maybe you could provide some logical-sounding reasons for refusing access, to mollify them a bit and retain some semblance of a relationship. You don’t have to lie. Although my daughter allowed me to see her grades, when her password had to be reset or she got locked out, my access also ended. I’m not sure if a similar strategy would work for the parent portal at your college. For medical POA, is there a relative or other trusted person closer to where you’ll be attending school that you could name on the documents, and then say it’s because of location/access rather than that you don’t want one of your parents to have the ability?

I agree with the advice to keep your head down as well as you can until you leave and once there, provide frequent but brief and edited updates. Perhaps if you are a little more forthcoming than they expect once you get to college, your parents will ease up.

24

I get locked out of my kids’ accounts all the time because of password changes. Once my daughter said she didn’t want me to have access and I said “that’s fine” which shocked her. Withing a short time she needed me to do something (pay something? check on something?) and oops, she forgot she’d changed the password (she’s required to every 3-4 months). Even though she is financing her own education too (scholarships, FA, loans), she still needs me (she really needs me!) to handle a lot of the things on her FA account, to pull the charges and payments for taxes, to contact the crabby people at the school when something is wrong. They set up two files for her (error) and because half her documents were in the wrong file, her merit aid was wrong (should have been higher with retake of ACT but the scores weren’t in the right file) and they put a hold on her registration for second semester because they kept saying they didn’t have her hs transcripts. She went to the registrar’s office and they once again told her they didn’t have them and still wouldn’t let her register. I made one call, ended up talking to someone in the FA office, and it was fixed in 5 minutes (they had 3 copies of the hs transcripts, all in the ‘wrong’ file). She was by then shut out of a lab she needed and the only other option was during her practice time. She was very concerned that her coach would be angry. I said to sign up for the open lab time and see if she could get into the other section. Within an hour, her coach had changed her lab time. It is a sad and unfair, but adults have power.

I know you want to be independent, but are your grades really a big secret? Your parents knowing them doesn’t change anything. I give my kids a chance to share them but after a while I do look if I happen to be on the portals doing other things. One of my kids didn’t have great grades in her major, didn’t tell me, and when I finally looked I asked her if she even liked the major. She was so relieved to know she could change her major! She was suffering because she didn’t want to share. She also couldn’t get access to her school account because of bad internet connections when she was taking a semester off and trying to register for this semester’s courses. She told me what she wanted and I did her registration. Parents aren’t always just being nosy. Sometimes we can help.

I’m still on my kids’ bank accounts because I’ve always been, since they were babies. It is convenient because I can make payments or transfers from their accounts. It works for us but if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t give them access (I wouldn’t have given my own parents access) or just open another account at a bank near your school and never put them on it. I do not recommend a general POA. A medical POA can be helpful if you only want one of your parents to be the decision maker.

Are you taking a car to school? Are you independent for that car too? Insurance, registration, repairs?

You need your parents for some things (FAFSA, encouragement, support) and don’t want to cause a war over little things. Tell them you want some independence but still need them, that you want to try to handle your finances and school registrations, etc., on your own but you will let them know your grades and that you will contact them at any time you feel you are in over your head and need their guidance. And then throw them some bones. Which bank should I use at college, Mom? (do anything you want when you get there) Dad, can you recommend an insurance company? Mom, can you go over my vaccination record with me so I understand it?

25

First, sorry for the long delay - it’s been a busy week.

Also, to answer questions/confusion:

  • I lived with my dad, but moved to my mom’s this summer when he moved.
  • I am not taking my car to college, and I’ll be selling it before I go, so no associated costs. :slight_smile: Less to pay for is always nice.
  • Throughout high school, my parents have never asked for access to my grades. Just… now they are. Both have a history of stealing money from me and this is why I don’t want them to be able to see my money situation.
  • My mom is the one who looks through my trash.
  • My dad is driving me to school in the fall, for all other trips I will be flying.

The one thing that my parents are using against me is a situation I had my junior year - I got over involved and picked up too many hours at work, and I tanked (relatively) my grades. I ended up going to a few therapy sessions for anxiety, and I was fine. The next semester, I worked my butt off, and despite a concussion and family deaths, I got my best grades ever. I know now how to control my stress and manage it, but they are both convinced that I’m going to crumble when I get to college, and continue to use that against me. I’m not naive and I know college would be more difficult, but I made it through that situation without their help, even when sometimes they actively made it harder.

A few other questions - is there any downside to not granting medical POA (or whatever it is legally called)? In that case, who would make the decisions if not my parents? Can my school notify my parents about anything?

I think that what I’m mainly nervous about cutting them off in these ways, and then going home. My mom has already planned a trip up in October, and I know that if I do what I’m thinking, she will spend the whole time (whether we go out to lunch, or a movie, or whatever) tearing me down and making me feel guilty. And then, she will come home and tell the rest of my family how ridiculous it is that I want to be independent, I’m just a teenager, etc. - This happens frequently, even just last week. I don’t really know how to navigate that side of the family any more.

I know I’m rambling… I’m just sort of at a loss here, I don’t see a way out without completely ruining my relationship with at least one person I love, and maybe more.

26

I think it is great that you want to be independent and it sounds like you’ve been doing a good job of achieving that goal. Think of this as another hurdle in a multi-step process of gaining independence.

Sometimes the financial part is the easy part.
Emotional independence is harder because it involves not just you but others around you. It’s very hard to learn to draw boundaries (especially with loved ones) but if you remain firm on things important to you it’ll get easier not just for you but them as well. You are working to change relationships from Adult-Child (or parent-kid) to Adult-Adult (or parent-GROWN UP kid) and that takes a different level of respect… A bit of advice always given to parents works in this case I think–“Pick your battles wisely.” With that in mind decide what you can bend on to keep parents satisfied and what to you is non-negotiable.

27

If an adult doesn’t have a medical POA, the next of kin gets to make the medically necessary decision. For you it would be a parent. There might be a delay establishing who that is, but it is the more common situation that most people do not have a medical POA and hospitals deal with it every day. A POA is for decision making only, not for information on your medical charts, or decisions you are able to make. There is no need for your parents to have a general POA especially if you feel they would abuse it by taking money from your accounts or monkeying with your financial matters.

I think you have a handle on the financial side. Set up your own accounts, don’t share them with your parents. Some schools have an arrangement with a bank, have that bank’s ATMs all over campus, have direct deposit for refund checks.(You can use any bank account, but you have to set it up) Don’t talk about it, but if asked (or hounded) just keep it simple. “Students have accounts at Wells Fargo and that’s what I’m doing.” “I want to open an account at TCF because there are ATMs near my dorm.”

Yep, the family will talk, but they’d talk about you anyway. They’ll talk about if you have a boyfriend or don’t. They’ll talk about your new green hair or that you look skinnier or fatter or taller in the pictures your mother shows them. Don’t worry about it.

28

I have close and positive relationships with my kids, but autonomy was important to them when they went to college so I have tried to be as hands off as possible, not asking about grades, staying out of doctor appointments (one has health issues) and so on. That said, since I did not push the medical form, there was one time I had trouble finding my daughter when she went to the hospital! Later she did sign which was good because she ended up in an ICU after an accident and they were able to call me right away.

I try to do things in a way that prepares for worst case scenarios, not out of anxiety, but because it’s practical. I erred in not having the medical POA done though as next of kin I would have been called anyway I suppose. (This daughter lost consciousness in the ER but just before that was able to give them my number thank heavens).

I never looked at grades during high school so that may make me an outlier on that. I can tell who is working. I did visit a few times during the semester as well, which is an indirect way to keep tabs, and your parents won’t be doing that.

It seems they are having temporary anxiety about you leaving and maybe some regrets. Make sure they know you love them (which you say you do) and just establish boundaries in a firm and clear way if you can.

Being an adult prematurely is admirable but may also have consequences for you. You sound confident and capable but I am sure there has been an underside to your situation, which may need your attention at some point.

29

Like someone above said, the lack of a medical POA defaults to your parents anyway. A full POA for financial dealings would be useful if you were serving in the Peace Corps or something remote and needed them to pay your bills on your behalf. And even then, the POA should have an expiration date. Their history of theft should remove this from the table completely.

30

My son didn’t allow me assess to his medical or grades. I paid for car insurance , and good grades offered a nice discount. So, at the end of each year, I got to see his courses and grades. If there had been a medical emergency, I’m sure someone would have called “mom” from his cell ( this happened twice when he lost his phone, nothing medically related).

31

Unfortunately, the OP is still dependent on at least one parent to cooperate in filling in the FAFSA, even though neither parent will contribute any money and the OP can otherwise self-fund college costs. That parent, if s/he chooses, can threaten the OP with non-cooperation in order to force his/her way into the OP’s affairs. So the OP may have to find some way of keeping that parent satisfied enough to continue filling in the FAFSA.

32

I encourage you to read (or at least skim) the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. You may pick up some tips and some specific wording to help you navigate the negative words from your parents.

Also, a friend gave me a great tip to use the word “really” as a response to something outrageous or hurtful or negative. It can be a question, an exclamation, so many different tones can be used to speak this one word. It might come in handy when you are wanting to speak hate back to the parent but know it won’t help the situation.

My adult daughter used a great line on me once, and it really shut me down quickly. I was belaboring a point, and she just said “I am done discussing this issue. I will not speak of it again. Let’s move on.” It made me realize I was in error, that she was feeling nagged at, and we both moved on to other topics. I am glad she had the courage to speak up, but I especially appreciated that she did it respectfully. She set a boundary, and I chose to respect it.

33

My mom acted this way too, when I was your age. I always thought she was having a hard time letting her baby grow up and facing the empty nest. It was brutal, but separation will help a lot. If you can avoid living with her in the future that is the best thing for the relationship.

34

Our physician calls the medical form a “health care proxy,” not “power of attorney.” It’s an important distinction. The first lets your parents make medical decisions if you’re not capable, the 2nd lets them run your business and financial affairs. I wouldn’t give your parents either. They’re the default for the medical and you don’t need them involved in your finances.

Try to disengage when your parents start in. Do not give them Power of Attorney. Don’t give them your log on ID or passwords either. If they give you a hard time, tell them that colleges expect students to handle their own business and that you had to sign an agreement not to share your info. with anyone (and colleges specifically include parents in their definition of anyone). The same goes with sharing FAFSA IDs. It’s not permitted.

@mom2collegekids had some great advice for a student in your position. It involved things like having 2 separate bank accounts (a private one at school where you keep the bulk of your money and a 2nd one at home) and separate phones if parents try to keep track of calls. Maybe she’ll stop by with more ideas. You can always PM her too.

I’d suggest that you dispose of any papers that you don’t want your parents to see before you get home. Clear your browser every time you use your home computer so you don’t leave a trail. Do not let your browser save passwords.

If you can get an apartment at school, that would give you a place to store all your important papers. Spend your summers working near school so you don’t have to go home. To limit their calling and nagging you at school, you may have to set limits on when you can talk to them. Setting aside 30 minutes one evening/week to call your mom is likely to be better than agreeing to field every call she decides to make. You sound like you’ve been handling it pretty well the last few years. Hang in there.

35

“Also, a friend gave me a great tip to use the word “really” as a response to something outrageous or hurtful or negative. It can be a question, an exclamation, so many different tones can be used to speak this one word. It might come in handy when you are wanting to speak hate back to the parent but know it won’t help the situation.”

It can also be another argument starter. “YES REALLY” and off the parent goes again.
Better to stick wiith “I hear what your saying. We need to stop this now.” (Or some other version). Acknowledge that you hear the message at least—nobody says you have to actually agree with it.

36

@whitespace you received some great advice. I think the overarching theme is disengage whenever possible. Emotionally, it sounds like you need to limit your time with them during this last month. You seem to understand the importance of being cordial, not being alone with them (your mom especially), and making sure to limit their access to financial/health/academic documentation.

My D is starting as a freshman at the same school as you. The parent portal is VERY limited. Basically, the only access is to pay the bills and see the financial aid award. If you want to deny that access to your mom, I’d wait until after her visit in the fall to limit the drama. You have chosen a college that I think rewards the most independent students, therefore you are well equipped to be successful. My guess is your parents realize you are about to launch into a much more fulfilling life than theirs and the green-eyed monster is guiding their actions. This is about to be 99% their problem to live with, not yours. Onward and upward! :slight_smile:

37

@austinmshauri is right. A general POA is completely separate from an Advanced Care Directive/Health Care Proxy (different names for what amounts to a POA for medical only).

I always had a great relationship with my parents, but when stories would come up in the news where a family wanted to keep someone on life support indefinitely even though they’d been declared “brain dead” with no hope, it became apparent they had very different views on this. Because there have been a few cases where someone had come out of a coma after years, my father was of the mind to keep someone on life support indefinitely and would want the same done for him, where my mother and I would both want the plug pulled on us as soon as it made sense - and not a minute later.

I trusted my mother to do what each of us would want, but I thought my dad would ignore what I wanted and try to keep me alive in a vegetative state for 20 years if he could, so I drafted an Advance Care Directive for myself and appointed a close friend. She lost a brother to brain cancer when he was 19, so she’s been down this road, knows how difficult it is when a family member has to make that decision, she’s tough as nails, and I knew she’d do what I wanted no matter how difficult. She and I also shared a mutual friend where he had to make this decision for his mother, he did what she made clear she wanted (which is exactly why she appointed him and not any of his siblings), and it tore the family apart where his sister wouldn’t speak to him for years and various family members took different sides.

Of course I asked her first and explained the situation, but I decided this would avoid any conflict between any family members if I took it out of their hands completely.

P.S. OP, if you decide to do something like this, be sure to have it notarized.