I am just about to finish my first year of college and head home for summer break. I work part time at school and will be working full time this summer, on top of taking a class from 6-10 four nights a week. I am completely dreading going home because my of the relationship I have with my step-mom and my dad (I do not speak to my real mom). I have always loved spending time with them and talking to them, but the older I get the harder I find it to follow their rules and that has lead to the “downfall” of our relationship. They have my passwords to all of my accounts, school and social media. They are really hard on me about my grades, and it’s understandable because they want me to be successful, but I shouldn’t have to tell them every assignment I get and they should not have access to my accounts. I’ve tried to change my passwords, but that only turned into a huge argument because they pay for half of my school so they “have every right to know what is going on.” I agree with them, to a certain extent. They are constantly telling me that my grades aren’t good enough and I am not trying hard enough (example: I did poorly on a test that I worked really hard on and my mother texted me and asked why I did so poorly, I responded with “I don’t know. I was really counting on that to bring my grade up” and she responds with “that is the best explanation you can come up with?! That is definitely not the response of an adult, or at least a responsible one”) They have a log of the texts that I send and receive and when I go home, they read through my texts and I get in trouble if I delete any. They also have a tracking device on my phone that they check all of the time. If I go and do something without telling them, they know and I get into trouble for it, even though I am not at home. As hard and stressful as college already is, they are making it so much worse for me. A couple of months ago it got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and told them I was going to figure out a way to pay for everything on my own because they were to controlling. My dad drove over to my school and we went out to dinner and talked and he said they would back off, and I believed them. But that wasn’t the case, nothing has changed and every time I try to talk to them about it they make me feel guilty for basically being a terrible person/student, which is not the case, at all, and they keep telling me that they are going to make me come home and go to my local community college so they can make sure that I am doing my work. I would really like a parent’s advice as to what to do about this situation.
If you want to accept their financial assistance, there are strings attached.
Many students find that their relationship with their parents changes the first summer they return home after being away at college for the first time.
You aren’t 8 years old anymore, nor are you 15. You have had a taste of freedom and independence, and you are craving more. From your perspective, you are asking them to have more trust in you to treat you like an adult - this is part of what you are learning, you want an opportunity to show them you can do what they have always wanted - for you to become a responsible person.
For the record, I see no problem with them tracking your phone and reviewing all of your text messages - especially if they are paying for them
Since they are checking your text messages, why not text yourself and leave a thoughtful message to them.
Everything does not have to be a battle. Perhaps your fighting them is making them more suspicious. What texts have you deleted? How bad are your grades?
If you start from the assumption that they have good intentions and they have your best interests at heart, it will be easier to find a solution. If you ask them, kindly, to also presume that you do appreciate everything they have done, and are doing, for you, and that you understand they don’t want you to be a drug abusing, class-skipping disrespectul reject - you will find the common ground needed to grow as a family.
Think about their perspective for a while, and ask yourself why they have such harsh restrictions, before you ask them why.
Have you given them reason not to trust you?
3puppies–For the record I DO see a big problem with phone tracking and checking messages.
In the “old days” this wasn’t even an option. Nor was it ever an option to look at assignments or individual grades. Thank goodness. Parents only got the final grades if they insisted on opening an envelope addressed to their kids or by asking their kid.
There were no phones, no tracking options, no social media.
Change all your social media passwords. Just stick to it. Or better yet just don’t post anything unless it’s something generic, upbeat or good news. Your friends already know how you are doing. No need to inform the world. Don’t post anything that grandma or a future employer couldn’t see. I know facebook etc is fun but too much info goes out. Let info from friends come in–but don’t send it out. My kids have cut way back and I think it’s a smart move on their part.
Instead, let your parents get news from you directly. Call them once a week. Or text them.
Get yourself a cheap phone from Wal-Mart where you pay for time with calling cards. Very cheap. Pay cash. You can send a lot of texts. Up to you when to use it. Pay for it yourself. Actually CALL with fancy phone vs. text (and faster too for most cases). If you can’t live without your fancy phone then I don’t know. How are they reading your texts anyway? (I’m not the most techie adult). If you don’t want to be tracked–take your cheap phone and leave your smart tracking device at home (you’ll be covered for an emergency.)
Hate to predict but this will probably be a bad summer for you except that you’ll hopefully be too busy to notice.
Nah, you’ll notice… I spent one summer home and never returned. My advice is to suck it up and keep the peace while at home. Stick to your values/ideas/opinions as a constant (don’t cave) but keep things low key as possible. I loved my parents dearly (still do! they are still the best) but they found it very hard to let me grow up and take on responsibility for myself. My parents were always proud of me and very supportive but controlling. And I will say that taking on responsibility was a bit scary at the time. But you can’t grow without it.
Pretend you’re on “Survivor”. and figure out how to go straight through school so you don’t have to come home during summer breaks from here on in. That’s what I did.
I’m a mom of two in college and two high schoolers still at home. Realize that your parents don’t want your passwords and grades to bug you. Their goal is to be sure you are doing ok. It’s hard for parents to adjust to their parenting role shifting as you grow up. They love you so, try to remember that when you feel suffocated.
The best way to have them back off a bit might be to show them that you are, in fact, doing great. Preemptively addressing the situation will reduce the tension. Pick a time without conflict and ask them to sit around the kitchen table and let them know how much you love them. Give them a list of your passwords first because you know that is important to them. Then tell them about how you have matured since you’ve been gone. Be specific. Mention a time when you had to handle a difficulty at work successfully or, a class you worked really hard at and how you did well. Again, be specific. Describe your favorite study spot in the library where you worked or something along those lines. Then, tell them you are looking forward to being that successful at home. -that your goal is to be a successful independent adult, able to handle anything that comes your way. Ask for their support. That support could look like giving them an opportunity to share advice but, letting you handle the details in your life. Keep your voice neutral and sarcasm free. 
When you finish, hug them both if you’re the hugging type. Then comes the hard part… You have to live up to your words. Best of luck to you!
It sounds like for parents who make repeated comments about you not being like an adult, they are not doing their part to treat you like one.
That said, I do know plenty of parents who insist on having the phone tracker, but far fewer who delve into social media passwords and the like - that is a bit much, as they will just get all of your stuff anyway if they are following you or are friends with you. Further, I know of ZERO parents who insist on tracking texts - once you turn 18, that is a terrible invasion of privacy and one that prevents you from becoming your own adult.
I have to ask - was there something you did in HS whereby they lost their trust in you, and thus feel the need to be so overbearing?
I have to agree. You have already tried talking to your parents to get them to back off. Unless you have had some struggles or other reasons to make them worry in the past, it just seems like they are being overprotective. If that’s the case, your best bet is to (politely) wean them off of their 24/7 information access.
It can be addictive to be able to know every second of every day where your child is and what they are doing, but the vast majority of parents in the history of the human race have managed to do without that and your parents will survive if your social media accounts suddenly become less explicit and you start using a cheap phone.
On the flip side of that, your parents may worry less if you reached out to them more proactively. Give them a call once in a while – not just when you need something or when you guys are having an argument, but just to check in and say ‘Hi’. Share some information about cool things that you are doing or fun experiences that you are having. If their only communication with you is through electronic monitoring and grades, it’s easy for them to worked up; if you had more open, more consensual and positive channels of communication with them they might be happier and you might be more relaxed.
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They have my passwords to all of my accounts, school and social media.
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social media???
Uh, that has to stop. create new accounts, with a fake name that only you and friends know, and use that mostly for communicating with friends. Occasionally post to the one that your parents have access to, and limit all wall postings to that one.
OMG.
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They have a log of the texts that I send and receive and when I go home, they read through my texts and I get in trouble if I delete any.
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OMG
Once you have the second Facebook acct with the fake name, send your messages back and forth that way to friends.
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For the record, I see no problem with them tracking your phone and reviewing all of your text messages - especially if they are paying for them
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Seriously, this is gross.
When my son was in 6th grade or so, we were on the way to some event and he’d forgotten his phone AGAIN! I was upset, told him he needed his phone so I could stay in touch etc, etc., more nagging etc.
He calmly says “What did you do BEFORE cell phones?”.
That was a good question and stopped me in my tracks. The ability to stay in touch constantly makes many think they NEED to stay in touch on a constant basis which is not true.
Sometimes what some consider a lifeline is really a leash.
Never in a million years would I even have considered tracking my 14-year-old this way when he went to boarding school. Can the OP get a restraining order against these nut jobs?
“They have my passwords to all of my accounts, school and social media.”
Which of your school accounts do they have passwords for?
If any of your classes have an online component (such as a class discussion forum in Blackboard or in Facebook, or shared GoogleDocs) then your professor needs to know about this NOW. So do your classmates. Those class discussions are not public information. They are privileged information that only the students in the classroom and the professor should have access to except on those rare occasions when someone visits the class with the professors explicit permission.
I have a professor friend who stopped using any online activities with her classes because of just this kind of parental behavior.
I’m with @mom2collegekids. I read your post with my jaw dropped. My kids are 12, 15 and 17 and I don’t violate their space like that. Nor do I defacto micro chip them with trackers and whatnot.
Wow…just wow.
I am sorry OP. I don’t know what to say other than try to talk with them calmly (AGAIN) and get to why they are so worried about you. If there are concessions you can make and live with, throw 'em a bone.
Other than that…start making the move towards independence as much as you can.
You poor kid! Lots of good advice re changing passwords, getting a cheap phone, etc. I think the most important thing you can do is work a lot of hours and don’t be home much.
It is tough to be in this transitional stage where you are legally an adult but your folks are still paying most of the bills, tough for you and for them. You just have to be super responsible and take care of yourself as much as possible. Your folks sound like they don’t see clearly how old you are.
Assuming this is real, I, too have a problem with parents tracking your every move. There is no reason you can’t set up another FB account and get your own cell phone. I would compromise on the grades thing. If your parents are paying your tuition, they may want to continue to monitor your progress.
I would have another talk with dad and explain how much this is stressing you out, which is not helping your academic situation. I would also look deep inside yourself and think about whether you are doing your best and how you can improve your grades, if they are not up to what you and your parents expect. If that is the best you can do, then you need to have that conversation as well. You are an adult. You have to own it if you have missed class, not done homework, not gone for help when needed. But if all that was done and your grades are still just OK, you need to get them to accept and understand where you are coming from.
Good luck.
^^^ I agree ChoatieMom, but since the parents are paying for half of school, this would probably not be a good idea. OP- your parents are being very intrusive and unreasonable. I have to ask- is there something you have done that might have given them reason for their extreme involvement (I doubt it…)? I can understand them wanting to know your grades since they are paying for school, but to follow up on whether or not individual assignments have been handed in is too much. Is there another close relative or adult who might be able to talk to them? If not, you really need to have a talk with them. Make up a written agenda so you don’t get off track, set up a time to talk and whatever you do, remain rational and calm. Tell them that you will always keep them informed of your grades as a courtesy since they are paying for school. BEyond that,you need to decide how much you want to control their access to the rest of your life. You might consider changing all of your passwords and tell them you are an adult and that you will not change them back. Get a throw away phone as someone suggested so they can’t track your texts (wow- I doubt if I would want to know what goes on in my S’s “text world”.) Leave the phone you pay for at home when you go out so they can’t track you. Tell them that you have not given them any reason not to trust you and that it is time for them to give you some room so you can make mistakes and learn from them on your own.
Since your Dad already agreed to back off, but then didn’t, maybe the problem is your step-Mom. You might see if you can meet your Dad for lunch sometime to see if you can figure out why this is happening. Be very direct and tell him how much their control if affecting your daily life and your confidence. So sorry- keep us posted!
Sure, OP can also decide to forego the financial assistance his loving father and stepmom are providing him.
They are paying HALF of his cost of college - we can presume this is a hefty amount, and certainly an amount without which that OP cannot continue attendance.
This is a learning process for both parents and child.
Having the ability to track a cellphone, and to review text messages, makes sense in some family dynamics. Most of my friends also want the ability to track their child’s phone for simple safety/security reasons. Who else cares what happens to this child?
Given the OP’s comment about not speaking with his real mom makes me think that there must have been serious problems there. All the more reason to want to keep an eye on things.
And I should have mentioned, I do not agree with them having his password to his social media accounts - I agree with them wanting to be able to see everything he posts - too many kids have done dumb stuff online as they simply lack maturity - but as S used to say, “myspace is MYspace.”
I hope the OP can use some creative ways to successfully thwart some of this. If needed, he can PM for some ideas.
The parents are using the guise of paying for college to do this, but people like this don’t stop once the money stops. Sure they won’t be able to threaten to cut him off once he’s independent, but these people will be the types to “accidentally” go thru your mail or drawers once you’re a fully independent adult.
Here’s my 2 cents. I have my college freshman DS’s login info to his college accounts for emergency use only; I do not use it. When he was in HS, I did occasionally check his phone and text messaging habits … but not since the beginning of his senior year in HS. Yes, I think your parents are being overly intrusive and controlling. But, coming from the place of a parent, and giving them the benefit of the doubt … they are doing it because they (a) want the best for you, and (b) are scared you’ll go off the rails in one way or another … whether it is academically or socially or emotionally. Yes, ideally they should trust you and the job they did raising you. It’s hard to do, though, especially if you have given them any reason to not trust you or your judgment.
I worry more about my freshman DS than I probably should. I think he’s had a rough year … and that has made it harder to let go and trust him. First he got in trouble for drinking the first month he was at school. Then his first semester grades were miserable (not failing anything, but not nearly what he or we expected). We did not look at any of his grades during the semester, but when he was home on break, we did ask to see his grades. Because they were so bad, we did sit down and actually look at the individual assignment grades within the classes with him, to discuss what sorts of things he needed to change. He’s not terribly communicative (never has been, so this is not a change). I always feel like talking to him is a game of 100 questions … and if I don’t ask the exact right question, I’m going to come away with a false impression of the truth. That dynamic makes it really hard to feel like I know anything at all about how he really is, what his life is like, is he really okay, etc… Every time he calls, there is a part of me that is holding my breath, hoping it isn’t bad news. He never offers any info about how he is doing in his classes, and that makes me worry – either he’s just being independent, or there is nothing good to offer. SO, if that is what you are like with your parents, I can tell you they are starved for information; if you open up more, they may more readily back off…
So try to think of this from their perspective. Are you being a responsible adult by: (a) staying out of trouble, (b) taking good care of yourself, © making wise decisions with your $, (d) getting decent grades (by the end of the semester), (e) befriending people who make you better (as opposed to people who would encourage you to go down ill-begotten paths). How many of these can you honestly say you are doing? Have you actually talked to them casually to give them evidence of the above over time? If you are doing all of the above, then I think you have a very legitimate gripe, and you need to have an adult conversation with them before or immediately upon moving home for the summer. Frame it with those things – “Mom, Dad, I know you want the best for me. That’s what I want too. For the past year, I have responsibly worked and shown up for my campus job, stayed out of trouble, taken good care of myself, been frugal with money, gotten okay grades, and made great friends with people you would really like. I think I have shown I deserve your trust. You not trusting me is making college more stressful.” Then lay out what you want to change … and also what you will do to make it easier for them to let go of those things and trust you (e.g., if you’re not very communicative, learn to be and actively work on it … open up and talk to them about what you’re doing, how things are going, who your friends are, etc., so they don’t feel the need to pry it out of you with incessant questions or figure it out on their own).
If your grades are just so-so and you’re not doing as well as you’d hoped or they expect, then admit that, and actively look for what you could do better/differently … don’t just keep saying, “I tried, but…” Your job is to figure out how to do well, not just keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different result. So, for example, a response to your mom that would have built trust in you re: the test you did poorly on would have been, “I don’t know. I worked really hard. I’m going to go see the professor tomorrow to figure out what went wrong and see if he has any suggestions.” And then don’t just say it – do it.
This dance between college students and parents is hard on both parties – we’re going to inevitably step on each other’s toes. More, calm communication is always better. And time. Give it time.
Good luck.
THIS:
“Given the OP’s comment about not speaking with his real mom makes me think that there must have been serious problems there. All the more reason to want to keep an eye on things.”
Exactly
“All the more reason to keep an eye on things.”
Uh, no. Just no. No reason to micro manage and control someone’s life.
I believe that most college security policies forbid you from giving your parents your passwords. I’m not sure how you deal with it now because just having given it to them could be an honor violation. Perhaps what you should do is print out the security policy, change your password and show the policy to your parents. Most colleges allow you to create an account for your parents to see your semester grades if you give them permission. Give them permission. Personally, I don’t have such permission and I just trust my kids though they need a grade report to get the good student discount on car insurance.