<p>Trying to Cope, </p>
<p>I sent you a PM. Please read it and perhaps it can help you.</p>
<p>As many of us welcome home our tired Fordham students for the Thanksgiving holiday, I want to reach out to those families whose kids are struggling with their residential life situation. I mentioned in my last post that our D struggled in her Freshman year due to being in a forced triple with two unruly roommates. When she returned for the break, she didn’t want to go back. She was truly struggling emotionally and academically. We listened, offered words of encouragement, and most importantly offered more support to her once she returned to Fordham to finish out her freshman year. Our D is our first of three and we thought that once you drop your child off at college, they were kind of on their own. We quickly realized that students still need their parents support, especially Freshman. Fall semester was overly quickly and spring semester flew by and before we knew it, D was planning her sophomore dorm with a friend with the same values.</p>
<p>Trying to Cope, I hope that your daughter decides to continue at Fordham. She is just about halfway through. She can do it and she will be stronger because of this trial. </p>
<p>Happy Thanksgiving everyone!</p>
<p>I am really sad to read this is going on at a Catholic University. My daughter really loves the school and would want to be in a dorm that is substance free. How widespread is this?</p>
<p>I understand that this goes on everywhere my point isn’t the behavior of this kids is going on although that’s bad enough. My concern is that it seems the administration either turns a blind eye and/or doesn’t correct the issues by actually holding the perpetrators responsible. Great message from adults and I expect more from such a highly regarded Catholic institution.</p>
<p>Thank you, once again, to everyone for your thoughtfulness. While the situation is not yet resolved, it is not being ignored by Fordham’s Residential Life. I only wish that I had started the process earlier. </p>
<p>The girl has denied that the boy spends the night there. We will need to provide proof. In affect, have someone in authority visit the room after 3 am and witness the situation. </p>
<p>@Pepper03 - I really don’t think that this situation, at least in Queens Court, is widespread and I hope this doesn’t influence your daughter’s decision to attend Fordham. </p>
<p>@walkbyfaith8 - thank you for the kind, encouraging words. </p>
<p>Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!</p>
<p>I think we need to clarify what a Catholic University is…and isn’t. I am not apologizing for Fordham or its apparent lack of action, nor taking a sans souci or laissez les bons temps rouler approach to what goes on in dorms. As stated, we also had similar problems Freshmen year at Fordham. </p>
<p>Being Jesuit and Catholic does not mean its a seminary or convent or as controlling as a private catholic high school may be. These are young adults of legal age of majority. What occurs is mostly legal behavior, even if it is immoral. (Drugs and underage drinking are another matter.) There are very, very few schools in the country where you can send your kids and not find this behavior going on…rather commonly and openly. Unless you pick Christendom College or Franciscan University of Ohio, you wont find too many Catholic colleges that patrol rooms in the dorms like morality police. Catholic schools hope and expect their students to behave appropriately and certainly to respect the rights of others (As mentioned above, my approach to this problem focuses on the equal rights of dorm inhabitants and not letting any one person infringe on the rights of the others through obnoxious or rule breaking behaviors.) </p>
<p>Fordham is Catholic and Jesuit and offers numerous courses taught by clergy and religious faculty. But its only 60% Catholic in the student body. And not all faculty are Catholic. There is a beautiful church on campus at Rose Hill, and across the street at Lincoln Center…for students desiring a strong spiritual experience while at Fordham. But nobody forces anyone to attend Mass or be “good catholics.” </p>
<p>Fordham’s position is that all students should be treated as adults who make their own decisions…and suffer their own consequences (like flunking out). The whole person is part of the Jesuit ethos. But that doesnt mean they are controlling decisions, as disapppointing as some students may be. There is limited action Fordham can take…except to ask students to be respectful of roomies. </p>
<p>18 year old kids, released for the first time away from watchful parents, sometimes make awful decisions…mistakes. Its shocking. But its not Fordham’s job to patrol the hallways like a stern Headmaster with a switch, condemning souls to hell. </p>
<p>I am clearly aligned here with the suffering student and her parent/O.P. The behavior complained of is outrageous and disrespectful and clearly infringes on others. Fordham SHOULD remove the offending student and not punish the student who complains. But its often complicated…and past experience has proven that often removing the complaining student is the easiest path…if they remove the offending student they will get the ire of parents…and then be in the awkward position of privacy rights (legal age, dont forget) and what to say to them? </p>
<p>These problems (dorm drama) almost always occur in freshmen year…and dissipate if not disappear starting sophomore year because students are free to choose roomies then…and often pick people of like minds and morals. </p>
<p>Just because SOME students behave poorly does not make Fordham less Catholic or less Jesuit. Fordham IS a fine Catholic and Jesuit institution. A stellar faculty. A very GOOD Jesuit President in Fr. McShane. </p>
<p>I am hopeful a peaceful resolution occurs. Perhaps the best outcome is an apology from the offending student, refraining from further offending conduct, and a repair of the relationships. If not, then a quick and just resolution for the suffering student and her parents, so that her experience at Fordham is better, and she can focus on her studies. </p>
<p>Just my two cents. </p>
<p>There are problems everywhere-no doubt. I know I am not sending my daughter off to a convent not is that my intent.</p>
<p>I was led to believe this dorm was for kids who don’t want to be around drinking and I certainly expect that if my daughter is in a room and a roommate is having sex that is something that would be addressed immediately and corrected by removing the offending party instead of being given the runaround. I would expect more from a Catholic institution-that it would be more responsive is addressing kids who do not honor their word when they ask to be placed in that type of dorm-and that unacceptable behavior would be dealt with quickly. </p>
<p>Does that make it any clearer? </p>
<p>My feelings EXACTLY, Pepper03…I’ve learned that if it was drinking, drugs or something illegal, as a parent,I’d have an easier time stopping it. After speaking with the Resident Director again today, it appears as though I am going to lose this battle. When my daughter and her roommates were asked by the RA and RD "how things were going and if anyone had any complaints, my daughter responded, “it’s hard for me to get dressed in my own room with a male always present”, the advice given to my daughter by the RA and RD was that “maybe you can give him a fifteen minute warning when you want to get dressed”…If I was just reading this, having not experienced it, I don’t think I’d believe it.</p>
<p>Let me be clear, and repeat what I have stated several times: I am NOT condoning what goes on. I am on YOUR side of this argument. And I am as disgusted as you are at the flagrant violation of rules and the pigs masquerading as human beings. And I hope they are reading this so they can see for themselves what I think of them. P I G S. OINK OINK. </p>
<p>And I am disgusted by the response of the PAID RD and RA’s. And I would think Catholics at a Catholic school would have 1) more respect for others, 2) higher moral standards than farm animals and 3) a desire to ensure people get their money’s worth in attending an expensive school.</p>
<p>But the dilemma is as I described. They are legal majority age. And they cant always tattle to their parents or risk legal action for violation of privacy rights. </p>
<p>I recommended the suffering student get HER friends together and CONFRONT THE PIGS. As in stand there and tell the boy to GET OUT AND STAY OUT. Or you could ask campus security officers to remove him as he is not welcome. Send campus security a text at 305am and demand he be removed. FORCIBLY.</p>
<p>And for parents to CALL Fr. McShane. But if you dont want to do that and make waves, then barking on this thread and blaming Fordham…is not effective, and barking up the wrong tree, and harming Fordham…while not solving the problem. I get your frustration and disappointment. But go to Georgetown, go to Loyola, go to ANY Catholic college and you will find similar stories. (However, I want you to know that the Fordham family here on CC is largely a group of supportive alumni, parents and some students in solidarity and we are here for you…we love Fordham and we want you to be happy and love Fordham too…and get through this.)</p>
<p>Repeat: I support YOUR values. We dealt with this problem as well. There were harsh words exchanged. Threats. And then a lost friendship…only repaired somewhat senior year when the offending party came to my daughter and apologized and made amends before they graduated. And the apology was accepted. They hugged and moved along. But otherwise the solution for you NOW is to simply put up with it, do the INTERVENTION I recommend above, or move out. </p>
<p>Did she go to the resident Priest? Did you call Fr. McShane’s office? </p>
<p>My remarks about a convent are meant not to insult you but to just tell you the facts as they are. And that being a catholic college has little to do with the dorms, it has to do with the faculty, the programs and the offerings. </p>
<p>TELL HER TO GO ON THE CAMPUS MINISTRY RETREATS. They also offer wonderful emotional and spiritual support over there. A shoulder to cry on. </p>
<p>What would I do? The GROUP INTERVENTION, followed by calling Fr. McShane. If those fail, then move out. But DONT leave Fordham. Because you wont find more holiness anywhere else except Christendom College or Fransiscan University of Ohio. And leaving Fordham is a mistake. Its a crappy situation. But its a stellar school and NEXT year she can pick her roomies (in fact they start that process now btw…). </p>
<p>I am not blaming your daughter. I am not sneering at her morality. I am supportive. I am also a realist. </p>
<p>@sovereigndebt I agree the problem is that the paid RA and RD are not doing their jobs or if they are then there need to be changes made so they can. I don’t know the protocol at Fordham but I know RA’s at my son’s school and they deal with this swiftly from the stories he has told me. It may be these kids are not doing their jobs or things need to be changed a bit with how things are handled but I agree a call the to President would be something I would have no problem doing. I have heard nothing but wonderful things about him and I doubt he would be pleased to discover this is going on and doubt he would turn a blind eye.</p>
<p>My daughter will be applying to Fordham for all the reasons you cited. If she gets admitted and if we can make it work financially it will be where she goes to school next year-two very big ifs. I just hope when she goes if there is an issue like this the school has a better way to handle it without needing to get parents involved. This does happen everywhere whether we like it or not. I believe some schools may handle it better but again I only have limited knowledge of one school and a handful of RAs so I can’t even say any school handles it well.</p>
<p>@Tryingtocope I think there is some good advice there-please keep us posted and stay strong-in the end there will be a resolution and by being forceful maybe there will be changes made to stop this from happening again.</p>
<p>Pepper03, my son was in Queen’s Court 3 years ago for the reasons that you think your daughter would be. He wasn’t interested in drinking or drugs getting involved with people who were, unfortunately the pledge that they make to get into the dorm is not enforced. There was lots of drinking and drunk students in his dorm, and all the RA’s did was to meet with the students on his floor to complain to the about the vomit on the bathroom floor, no actual action was taken. I understand that they are “adults” and can make their own decisions but when they make a “promise” and break it I think that Fordham has the right to kick them out of that dorm and they should make it known that they will do it. There is usually a waiting list for Queen’s why not try to truly make it a substance free dorm.</p>
<p>There are many kids who are choosing Fordham partly because of the absence of fraternities and the related parties. I think Fordham needs to step up and allow those students to live in a truly substance free dorm. I was disappointed at orientation to hear the administration say that they try to work with the students who abuse alcohol by getting them counseling after a couple of infractions, but no actual policy on removing them from the dorms. Even nonreligious schools like GW had a 3 strikes and you’re out of campus housing policy. Counseling doesn’t work unless someone wants to stop the behavior, maybe having a consequence to the behavior will get some to take counseling more seriously.</p>
<p>I agree every school has their own policies. And I am as disgusted as you are about what can and does occur at Queens. There was vomit my daughters freshmen year as well. The sophomore dorm that is substance free, is oddly better enforced. Perhaps because by then the bad eggs are weeded out and or in another location and the kids desiring substance free dorms are serious about it…and see the consequences. Freshmen year IS the worst year trust me. </p>
<p>I dont want to varnish the situation, but I also dont want to paint a horrible picture either…there are PLENTY of kids in queens who arent acting like farm animals and bar stools. Its just the offenders are in the same community and its the bathrooms in queens are communal so its more obvious and out in the open. </p>
<p>There are wonderful spiritual outreach places at Fordham starting with campus ministry. There are VERY spiritual faculty to consult. Get to know them, and get to know the Freshman Dean as well. </p>
<p>Some kids struggle with the shock of not being at home. Some kids struggle with the shock of the workload. Some are in shock about New York. Been there and done that. They need support, love, encouragement and some straight talk. And suggestions about how to clear their heads and find solace and comfort and success. </p>
<p>Not all kids who struggle first semester crash and burn. Some make remarkable recoveries and actually find happiness and even embrace Fordham and the community. That was our experience. But it took work…lots of hard work. Emotional work. School work. And strength. It can be done. And the benefits of hanging in there and finding the “right stuff” are wonderful. </p>
<p>Fordham is special. But its also New York. For those away from home its a shock and its not easy. Been there.
My kid made lifelong friends…one of them an RA, another a medical volunteeer with CPR training (she hyperventilated one night)…and now they are bff FOREVER. </p>
<p>Trust in God. But DONT sit and sulk in a dark room or hide. Reach out…people will be there to help you. And remarkable changes can happen…and do happen. </p>
<p>Blessed Thanksgiving to all…ping me if you need me. We are there for you. </p>