@abasket : I think we’re married to the same man. I told him that if he doesn’t tell me what he wants, I’ll do whatever I want. He still hasn’t told me, so there it is.
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It could also be a “non-issue” to him - like it is to me.
In other words, while your own arrangements might be something you have definite thoughts about, he truly has no “wants”. He might not want to say as much, as he doesn’t want to seem to belittle your own level of engagement, or get into a whole philosophical/religious discussion of “HOW can you possible NOT care, don’t you at least… (fill in your favorite viewpoint)”
That IS a good point.
Maybe next time you can approach it from the angle, that in case he does have no preferences, to just state that clearly to close that subject.
Surely, he would not want his loved ones to unnecessarily anguish about “what he might have wanted”.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
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Know of a family where both siblings lived across the country.
Somehow many years later they met at yet another family funeral - and found out that both had assumed last time around that the OTHER one had picked up the ashes from the previous one… (I know it’s doesn’t sound feasible, but first-hand story…)
Some people just can’t make a decision… One solution to that problem is to present them with a few options to pick from.
Some good thoughts. I don’t think it’s a “non-issue” to him. I think he doesn’t think anything beyond what he knows. A funeral home with visitation, a church service, pall bearers, burial side by side, often in the ground. Not that he WANTS it but that’s all he knows. But even with that, one could make some plans to set things in place to some degree. Nope, he hasn’t been willing to get something down in writing, share some thoughts with me or the kids, or actually make arrangements.
I will consider the “let’s just have a conversation so we can communicate with the kids” approach.
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I think some guys expect to pass before their wives and thus think their wife can handle however she sees fit. My parents expected my dad to pass first though they made plans. But interestingly enough those plans align more toward my mom surviving and that didn’t happen. Told my dad had they asked me 5 years before my mom passed who I thought would go first, I would have said it would be my mom. They apparently didn’t share that view though (though my dad and my siblings all seemed blind to what was happening – and interestingly enough my mom wasn’t – telling me she was ready to go 2 days before she died). Was tempted to tell my dad that he could then do what he wanted but knew he wouldn’t want to upset the plans that my mom had made.
I agree with the idea that if one spouse is very detailed about his/her wishes and the other does not care at all (or believes it should be for the living rather than the deceased) the latter spouse may keep quiet so as not to minimize the views of the former. I have seen that many times in other instances. One spouse is very interested in a give matter (vacation, redecorating house, car, restaurant, etc), other spouse expressing indifference (a way of saying to the other spouse, you can do what you want) isn’t viewed as a positive.
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Leaving the decisions to a spouse because you think they will be the survivor or leaving the decisions to the spouse because they are more detailed about wishes …well, that sounds like either a cop out or a not very caring thing to do to a widowed spouse.
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My husband and I spent part of the weekend learning about composting vs cremation - thanks CC 
Composting seems to be it now.
Also realized now that our kids are in college, we need to look at our will, trust timelines and add a few other requests for additional people in our lives that we would like to assist.
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Here are the options for the spouse who truly does not care.
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Fake it. Tell your family you want x, y and z. Even though a, b, and c would be equally appealing. But maybe the family would have found more comfort in x, y and z. But at that point they likely will go with a, b and c “because that’s what dad wanted.” And in the process, maybe I will be viewed as being critical of my spouse’s plans for his/her funeral because I am saying I do not like something that spouse is planning for their own (and again I don’t care so its false criticism at most). Is that a good outcome?
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Let the other spouse/family decide. But that is a cop out. Could be viewed as a gift: do whatever it is that makes you most comfortable, helps you best to grieve, party, whatever it is that works for you. I am sacrificing what I want (or could want) to help my family deal when I am gone. Still no good?
If one spouse has strong preferences and the other has none (or won’t express any), I would suggest that the former take the same approach for the latter’s funeral as the former wants taken with his/hers. Telling the latter may bring out a response. If not, presumably the former finds comfort in that approach so all should be satisfied.
I have told my wife and my kids that I totally do not care. As I noted, I view funerals as being for the living. Money to do whatever they want (within reason) will be available. If it provides comfort, great. None of it will matter to me at that point.
Be aware that you can’t control from the grave. You can specify “no services, no memorial” etc. but your family might disregard that. (it happened in my family). Some people have a need for closure. Not that you will know of course…
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I am going to be dead, I really don’t care!
My husband has let me know a couple hymns he likes. I will try to remember.
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I assume several of y’all have been involved in planning funerals at this stage of your lives. I did find having a plan from my mom and dad to be helpful. My husband’s dad died suddenly without a plan (in his early 60s) and that was a shocker. His mom had died in her 90s just a few years earlier so that helped a bit to know how he handled that.
I think what my husband and I will do is make a plan, but then say that it’s fine to do something different if the kids don’t feel like doing that. We’ll be dead. We won’t care, but if it’s helpful for them to have something to follow along, then here’s an outline.
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I used to think that but as a medical field student changed my mind
Why?
While the departed would not care (obviously) their living relatives could be deeply traumatized by something like this:
I think part of the reason people also “plan” for a funeral ahead of time (at least this was true of my parents) was to also PAY for the funeral ahead of time. So that THAT is not a burden on the children.
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Ok…a little levity regarding paying. My sisters and I took my dad to choose the stone for my step mom. He found one he was happy with and then asked…
“Do you give a senior discount?”
The four sisters could not make eye contact!
Two walked dad to the car after he paid. The nice stone person let us know we could prepay at the current rate for our dad….and the price would not increase. So…the two of us did that…guess we got him the senior discount. He never knew that his stone had been prepaid by us.
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Good story!!!
To me, it sounds like someone who either trusts the spouse, or doesn’t really care what happens once they are dead. I don’t want a big fancy funeral, but if that’s what it would take to make my family feel better that’s on them. Just because I think it’s a waste of money doesn’t mean they shouldn’t do it. I don’t see this as a cop out. I think funerals are purely about the living and what they want to do.
That said my mother did tell my SIL (both joking but serious) that if they had a religious funeral for her she would come back and haunt them. I think we might have sung something pretty innocuous from the Episcopalian hymnal, or maybe Enya’s “How Can I Keep From Singing?”, but I’m pretty sure my Mom would have been fine with whatever it was. I remember feeling like it was uplifting.
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