Getting a mom to accept a gap year.

Parents Forum
1

<p>I want to take a gap year but my mom won't let me. She's kicking me out. I don't know why - I guess she doesn't think it's a good idea. Then again, my mother doesn't know much about college, despite having a Master's. She didn't take the PSAT, SAT or any standardized test. As a result, I didn't take the PSAT, or any standardized test until my senior year ("when you're supposed to", as she said) and I didn't get the chances to study like I should have(I still scored well). She allowed me to make several mistakes on my college applications (I only have her guidance, since I have no guidance counselor). She wanted to wait until the last minute to do the FAFSA ("because it doesn't matter as long as it gets in, and deadlines are bluffs"). She wants me to attend the school that gives me the most money. She thinks bragging about my scholarship offers is OK (it's not). She thinks bragging about her parenting skills is acceptable (I credit my teachers, not my mom). And now she wants to force me into attending college when I don't feel ready. </p>

<p>I know I'm not ready. Everything feels wrong-the college choices, my enthusiasm, everything. I need a second chance at this college thing. I didn't do it right. I didn't know where to go or what I wanted. And I still don't; And I don't want to go now. I feel like I'm being rushed. I absolutely can't go this way- I might fail if I do. I really don't know how I'll make it if I go anywhere feeling like this. I would rather stay a year, discover more about myself, read some more books, get a job, and volunteer. I know volunteer work will lead somewhere. I'm not sure where but it will. It will probably lead to speaking to youth like me. I find myself in that position often.</p>

<p>I know that staying isn't a mistake. My mom's only arguments are: "You'll scholarships will run out" and "You won't want to go back". She likes to quote statistics. I don't know how real her statistics are but I don't care for them. They're against my nature. Statistically, I'm an anomaly. I don't know how real her threats of scholarships "running out" are either. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Even if it's true it won't matter - I'm poor enough to qualify for a lot of grants. I wouldn't mind loans if it was contingent upon my happiness either. You can't buy happiness; You can't get a happiness loan either.</p>

<p>How do I make my mother let me take a gap year? She's kicking me out and I can't reason with her-I've tried. She's kicking me out regardless of whether I feel rushed or not.</p>

<p>Part of me just wants to go to the Army or Navy. She says I can go, but she won't attend my funeral.</p>

2

<p>Alchemy</p>

<p>There are options for a gap year that will support you outside of the military. Have you been homeschooled (since you say you have no GC)? Americorps is one option. You have come to the right place because people who know more than I do will be right on with suggestions. You have plenty of time to figure this out--you are not alone.</p>

3

<p>No Army or Navy.</p>

<p>How about Habitat for Humanity or something like that? Some charity where you get room and board and a small stipend?</p>

<p>Does your school have good counselors?</p>

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<p>Alchemy - I really feel for your situation. If my son came to me and said he wanted a gap year, I'd be ecstatic. Because I really feel he could use a year of maturing and working and exploring before going to school (his birthday is late in the year, in October.). </p>

<p>There are gap year volunteer programs like Americorps (<a href="http://www.americorps.gov/for_individuals/ready/programs.asp)%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.americorps.gov/for_individuals/ready/programs.asp)&lt;/a>, in which you volunteer, get room and board, plus a stipend and money for college. I'd check them out, rather than the Army or Navy, which is not a decision that is easily changed, should you want to. And you could certainly work with young people in a program like Americorps. </p>

<p>Good luck to you, you should look into it now.</p>

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<p>I have no GC because I attend an incredibly underserved high school.</p>

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<p>I lived in Detroit for 7 years, including volunteering in lots of high schools, so have a rough idea of what your situation is like.</p>

<p>My S, 19, is taking a gap year with Americorps, working mostly with kids. He didn't apply to college during his senior year -- just didn't get around to it even though he had gone on college visits with us and had visited a well known college on their own dime. Despite excellent scores (grades were mediocre, though) and a tough curriculum as well as a love of school, he just wasn't ready for college yet.</p>

<p>He always has loved volunteering, and decided to do Americorps, which he did by living at home and working locally. He gets about $200 a week stipend plus will get $4,700 to use for college after he finishes his Americorps year. Colleges have been very impressed with the fact that he's in Americorps, which has a good reputation. Americorps also has given him training in time management, grant writing, and supervising people, and he has gone to Americorps workshops designed to help him figure out what to do after his year is over.</p>

<p>Having Americorps experience may also help you qualify for some excellent scholarships such as the Bonner Scholarships, which are for low income students, and include having the students do community service (from what I've seen, usually with inner city or low income kids) during their college years. </p>

<p>I know that Americorps is in Detroit. Also check out where the City Year Americorps programs are because those have a reputation as being the best Americorps programs.</p>

<p>Many colleges also are willing to allow admitted students to take a gap year before going to college, and will hold their scholarships for them. One of S's friends who got very generous merit aid, is doing a gap year instead of going straight to college, and the college guaranteed that he'd keep his merit aid.</p>

<p>I imagine that your mom is scared that if you don't go straight to college, you'll never go. Many parents have that fear, and in some cases, it's realistic. I wonder whether your mom is threatening to kick you out because she is hoping that will put such fear in to you that you'll go straight to college. She may be more reassured about your plans if you get into a program like Americorps and she learns that the program offers money that you can use for college.</p>

7

<p>The best way to get your mom on-side is to recognize her point of view, even if that's inconvenient for your thinking at this moment.</p>

<p>In her disappointment, frustration and exhaustion over your recent college search, she might want to know exactly what you'll be doing next year and where you'll live, and not agonize over your angst.</p>

<p>I taught my kids something they say they find very useful, and I[m offering it to you to try with your mom now.</p>

<p>Whenever you feel a tug-of-war, that it's her-vs.-you (or anybody-vs-you), try to identify the problem as NOT the difference of opnion between you, but a different problem that you BOTH have. Put down the rope of the tug of war and try to bring your mom over to your side of the rope, positioning the problem you BOTH have on the other side of the rope.</p>

<p>Then you work together to figure out how to solve that rephrased problem.
Start by telling her how you want to see this from her pt-of-view, too, and surely she's upset that you're making things inconvenient and exhausting for her by not doing what you're "supposed" to do at this moment, in her mind.</p>

<p>So, perhaps the problem you BOTH have is not that you won't go to college as accepted/expected next year (her name for the problem); nor is it that you are being kicked out of the house. </p>

<p>The problem you BOTH face now sounds something like this: the plan as it unfolded this year has left you with options that are so disappointing that you don't want to proceed with them. You need a chance to regroup., learn from your mistakes and try again in a year, as many others do. You don't want to waste her money and throw good-money-after-bad. Together, you need to identify a one-year course of action that is a) defined, b)responsible, c) will result in better admissions outcomes a year from now. As evidence of her commitment to you, you ask that she not eject you onto the streets now because the point is not just to "get a job, any job" as punishment for not going to college as she had anticipated. As evidence of your commitment to her, you will work and pay room-and-board next year for the privilege of staying home, and you'll get the best home-based job you can while studying at night. That includes restudying for your SAT's and doing all that over. Take a community college writing course, at a freshman college level, to improve your ability to rewrite essays next year. OR, you ask her blessing for a defined program away-from-home such as Americorps or Habitat that is respected by colleges for its volunteer/civic responsibility. (not backpacking around the world or hitting the beach,in other words). Ask her if there wasn't ever a time in her life when she could see a "trap" coming and she repositioned herself so it would go better for her (sometimes Moms have these things happen in theri personal lives, re: divorce..but don't hit a nerve, just ask her if she hasn't ever wished she could take backa decision before it became "too late to fix" and you want to avoid that from the outset.
Beg her to stop fighting with you and help you solve this with a good one-year plan of action. Research it and show her the options. Tell her you are afraid of going to school on shakey ground, when everyone else is so excited and eager...you have a feeling that you're so uncentered that you'll tank next fall, fail, come crawlng home with your tail between your legs..an embarassment to yourself and her, the last thing you'd BOTH want. You've tried so hard to imagine "psyching yourself up to succeed" next fall, really talked to yourself, but nothing is happening there. </p>

<p>Instead of talking like, "I think this but you think that," a conversation that pulls her onside with you and puts the problem elsewhere for you both to address has the word "we" in it, a lot. We're both unhappy here, how can we think of some things that would address both of our concerns, etc. </p>

<p>Good luck. BTW, I've never in all my life understood how people "throw kids out of houses." Just never got that into my head.</p>

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<p>Oh, it's your gap year! I read the topic title and thought, "I don't think it would be too tough to convince most moms to take a gap year!!!"</p>

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<p>One more vote for Americorps. My son is also with Americorps and it has been a very positive experience for him.</p>

10

<p>There's another lively thread going now, called "Gap year -- pro or con" (wording not exact). </p>

<p>After you've read it for tips, how about editing and printing out all the "pro" points that you like and let your mom read them?</p>

<p>I'm actually serious.</p>