<p>I got a personal problem. I don't know if I should post it but this thing has been affecting me emotionally a lot and I have been in a horrible mood.
After finally getting into college this year with a decent scholarship, I know I would not troubling anyone for money. Last year, I couldn't go anywhere I got into because of finances so took a gap year and worked and stuff.</p>
<p>See my mother doesn't want me to go college at all. First I thought she will be okay with it by the way she spoke but now she is saying she will die if I leave, she doesn't want to be alone, she can't go anywhere by herself, etc. She is on pension but she says she can't even go to get grocery or bank without me. She has been on my case literally this week that she doesn't want me to submit the deposit and enrollment stuff. She is threatening me that if I come home after leaving for college, I will find her rotting in the house dead..</p>
<p>I am an only kid. After my dad died, I sort of took on all the responsibilities that came on. My mother got used to depending on me. She got depressed when he died and is a diabetic so I thought it will be my responsibility to take care of her. And she recovered and can walk everywhere and all. But in senior year, when college stuff start cropping up, she will get cold and accuse me of wanting to abandon her. Then, when major exams will come or scholarships were approaching suddenly she will not leave her bed for days, saying her chest hurts, and not eating anything, etc. So I got used to worrying a lot about her health. I will try my best to take care of her. The local GP is my dad's friend, (I was working part-time in his clinic) and after check up he said she is alright and probably just anemia. So I always make sure she gets proper nutrition, good food even though I skip meals a lot.
Now fast forward, she was a picture of health during my gap year. Now when I told her my college plans, within a week suddenly she start vomiting, lying in bed for days, and said she feels she is gonna die. I got scared bloody hell and rushed to her to the clinic, nothing wrong it seems.
Okay parents might think I am crazy, but a part of me now thinks she is pretending to guilt me from going to college. And for a long time I always give in to her on everything. Because I was scared to loose my another parent.
But I really don't end without a degree, stuck inside a room, one day without a future.
Please tell me how to handle this. I have become the most apathetic, hot tempered person because of scared of letting my life pass me by.
In school, I struggled between my mom, work and everything. But while I maintained my studies alright, I never hung out with my friends (who wants a depressing person like me around?) after school, never did the fun stuff the rest of them did. I sacrificed a lot and now she still calls me ungrateful..</p>
<p>It's your time. Does she have a second cousin or anyone who lives elsewhere who'd like a new town to live in? Invite her to yours and say you need someone to be a friend to your mom so you can go to college with less worry.</p>
<p>The doctor's report sounds like she will survive.</p>
<p>Where are you living? Is it the same house you grew up in? Can she move this summer to a different apartment with more people around her? If she's isolated in the same old house and needs a new location with more people her age around her, the sale of a house could finance the apartment rental in a more sociable location.</p>
<p>Who else can speak to her that you need to go to college now? The doctor?
A pastor? A relative?</p>
<p>ya know i have a great aunt who is kind of like your mother. like she was making herself sick and starting taking a lot of medicine (which in my opinion made herself actually sick). she would make herself fall all of the time and even put herself in a nursing home once. at first we all rushed to her side and after we all discovered she really wasnt sick and was being needy we kind of backed off. eventually she got the point and slowed down a bit (though i think she is in the hospital now for a "fall"). </p>
<p>i think this is your time to shine. i know i was talking to my cousin (who is in her 50s) and she told me that she would never hold her children back due to selfish reasons. it is the child's life to live and she has already lived her. i think you should try to get another relative to come and stay with her, visit often, or many get her to move to a location where there are more people around (maybe an apartment).</p>
<p>can you all go see a psychologist to help ease the transition for both of you all?</p>
<p>my mother was so upset when I left to study in Italy when I was already 22 that she ended up in the hospital thinking that she was having a heartattack. She was really just having an anxiety attack. My dad died young also and I was her main emotional support-although unlike you I was not her only kid.
The best thing you can do for her is to help her connect with other people and then leave quickly. Church? talk to the paster. How old is she? Call the local agency for aging.
Use that sharp brain that got you into college and find some ways to alert the community that she needs some help. Teach her how to use a cell phone and e-mail if she doesn't already. But do go. Be brave.</p>
<p>My mom is 57. Yes, we do live in the same house. There are some relatives from my father's side nearby but she is not on friendly terms now days with them. My dad died when he was 56 from a heart attack. They had me quite later in life.
We stopped going to church a while ago, and she has gotten into a lot of arguments with people who used to stop by. My uncles said I am the only one who can handle her (:</p>
<p>SkyGirl, I think it would be a good idea for your mother to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Please let her GP know the types of things your mother is saying (can't go to the bank/grocery store without you, will die if you go to college, etc.) and doing (vomiting, lying in bed all day, and so on). The GP should do a thorough physical exam and, if nothing is physically wrong, refer your mother to a psychiatrist for an examination.</p>
<p>Please know that what your mother does is up to her, not to you.</p>
<p>And please send in the deposit and enrollment stuff.</p>
<p>Do not let your mother's problems with you leaving hold you back. You already know her health status and have a physician who knows both of you, he will know what to do if/when your mother's health requires intervention. He may be a good person to discuss your dilemna with- he can probably recommend resources for you and your mother to deal with her attempts to blackmail you.</p>
<p>Just crossposted with the above excellent advice. Also remember that once you get to your school they will have counseling services to help you deal with your problems, you will have support.</p>
<p>SkyGirl, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I like the suggestions of trying to hook her up with someone like a clergyperson and talking to your mom's doctor (hopefully, she has a regular physician). </p>
<p>Whatever happens, please realize that your mother's problems are not caused by you ... and you do not need to sacrifice your future to stay with her to hold her hand. She is a big person who must get help if she needs it. I say this as the sister of an extremely depressed man who struggles to deal with his problems. Our family is helping him to the extent we can, but we have some very strict limits on what we will sacrifice for him. We have to do that, because he could very well bring our families down with his spiral of despair. We have not abandoned him, but we cannot give him everything he wants.</p>
<p>Please go through with your plans for college. You may need some counseling to help you handle things if your mom gets difficult. Talk to your guidance counselor or another adult (doctor, teacher, clergyperson, etc.). You deserve to make a wonderful life for yourself. As much as you love your mother, you must also love yourself. You are not being selfish. In fact, your posts show that you are anything but selfish. I will keep you in my prayers.</p>
<p>She will not die. You must take care of yourself. You can promise to call daily, and perhaps visit on weekends. Eventually she has to cope, and the sooner she does the more likely she will be to have the physical resources to cope. You have good access to the family GP, enlist his help in a major way. I am certain he cares. </p>
<p>I have a friend whose mom did this to her after the father left, gave up her dream schools, lived at home, etc. Finally at the age of 40, after she did marry and have a child, she was forced to move away for her husband's job. After all the years of threats and dire predictions, the mom is okay, not a gracious social personality, but surviving and doing her thing. </p>
<p>Your mom is who she is, but you MUST meet your potential. Get all the professional help you can rally locally, and we will be here to support you. </p>
<p>Thank you guys for the supportive encouragement. It means a lot. I can only feel truly safe if I can manage to submit my enrollment stuff by May 1st. I feel like I am in some kind of battle zone at home. She doesn't seem to hear or get what I am saying, how much college means to me. Every time I talk to her now, she tries to make me feel very guilty of leaving for school.</p>
<p>Your GP should be able to give you information about the kind of support that is available for people in your mother's situation. You need to explain to him what your concerns are, not just in terms of your mother's physical health, but also her mental and social well-being.</p>
<p>When I went away to college, my mother was given a lot of literature about coping alone. There was a list of all kinds of support groups for meeting other people who were living alone, as well as other charitable groups to help people make friends and get out of the house. Also, for people who were older or sick, there were buddy or visitor schemes so someone like your mother could have regular contact with someone who would hopefully realize if she became ill and, if it was needed, could help with shopping, transportation and even bringing food. You could also get an alarm so that if your mother became suddenly ill or fell or something, she could alert someone immediately. She likely wont need any of these things, but having them can make both her and you feel a little more secure. Some of the support available does depend on where you live, and of course, your mother has to agree to sign up for these things...</p>
<p>I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting to go away to school, and I think you should definitely go. You have a life of your own. It's very likely that your mother will learn to cope, when everything has actually happened. Now, while it's still only an idea in the future, she probably is quite scared, for herself and for you. Try to reassure your mother that she will not lose you when you go away, it is not like another death in your family. You are going to be living somewhere else but you can talk, email, write letters, visit, and just a few months after you go away to college, you will be back home again for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas break. She doesn't get rid of you that easily!</p>
<p>Skygirl, I am so sorry! I know this is a really tough situation. </p>
<p>I am about as strong a proponent of honor your parents as there is, but your mom is not herself. Those are not the actions of someone who is thinking clearly. I absolutely think you need to get an older adult to help here. Could you call your former pastor? Or make an appointment to talk to her doctor? Does she have any family that could intervene? You need to tell them very bluntly and in great detail how she is behaving, not just "mom does want me to go off to college."</p>
<p>In the meantime, do be sure to send in your deposit and enrollment form. Do it right away! Who knows what shape she'll be in by August -- the whole thing could have blown over by then. If she freaks out that you have done it, just kindly and respectfully say, "Mom, I have to send it in now or lose the opportunity. We have a long time to figure this out. I believe we are going to get you happy and healthy by then - it's months away - so we want to be ready. Here's what we're going to do get you healthy: first we're going to see your doctor..."</p>
<p>This is a huge burden for a young woman like you, but you sound very strong. I do not believe that any normal mother would not want the best for her daughter, so I believe your mother needs real, medical (and spiritual perhaps) help.</p>
<p>My father died when I was a teen and it was very hard for my mother when I went away to school two years later. I didn't realize how hard at the time. Then after college, I moved across the country and lived away for many years. Now that I live less than an hour from my mom and see her weekly, she has told me how difficult those years were, even though mom is very plugged into the community. She felt the lack of family strongly. I understand your mother's fears of loneliness and disconnnection. The extreme she has taken it to is what is not normal. Get her help. Help her reconnect to her church. Help her get medical help. Share with her how you plan to stay connected to her. I don't think staying home with her in this shape is the answer. I think you can more rightly honor her by getting her the help she needs and doing what you know she'd want you to do if she were mentally well - get an education.</p>
<p>I feel for you. Your mother needs help from a professional. There are some things you may be able to do to reassure her, though.</p>
<p>Will you be going to college far or within a distance that allows fairly frequent visits? If you have shouldered most of the burdens not only for her care but for housework, she may feel daunted by the prospect of having to do all that herself. So perhaps, something can be done to allay her concerns. Can home visits be arranged for your mother? Is she able to depend on local services for things like housecleaning and shopping?</p>
<p>Even if she is not reassured by whatever measures you come up with, you need to go to college, for yourself but also for her. Let her know firmly that you will not be dissuaded and ask her to focus, together with you, on making arrangements for when you will be away. Be firm and do not feel guilty.</p>
<p>Skygirl, I agree with the others. Submit your deposit. Make your plans. Go to school. Try to get your mother some help. But above all, remember that whatever happens to your mother is HER doing, not yours. You can't make her happy, you can't <em>make her die by leaving her</em>, you can't stop her from vomiting, you can't get her out of bed. She may even stop some of these behaviors once she realizes that you're going. </p>
<p>I can't judge how much of what is going on is just manipulation and how much is illness (either physical or mental), but either way, you are responsible for your future. So do what you can to help her, then go on and do what you need to do.</p>
<p>Skygirl- I agree, go to college! I do have a question thought; do you have enough scholarship to cover everything at school? I am concerned that you get to school and will not have enough for all your expenses ; I am really hoping I am wrong.</p>
<p>How far is this school from your home? Will you be able to travel and visit your mother or will you be gone for the entire year? I am hoping that your mother will welcome you back with open arms if you want to come home, but if you decide not to return, where would you go if school in not in session?</p>
<p>You've gotten good advice. Do follow through and talk to your mom's GP. I am wondering if your mom is deliberately making herself sick or is faking illness in an effort to try to control you and keep you at home.</p>
<p>I also suggest that you do whatever you can to see a therapist yourself so that you can get the emotional support that you need at this difficult time. If your mother has a personality disorder, it's very unlikely that your mother will change or will recognize how unfair and cruel she is being. Consequently, you may have to make some difficult choices -- such as seriously limiting the amount of time that you spend with her -- in order for you to move on with your life and live the kind of life that you want.</p>
<p>Agencies like Catholic Social Services, Jewish Social Services and counseling programs associated with university graduate programs in social work and psychology often have free or low cost services to the public (regardless of religion). </p>
<p>When you go to college, you also should be able to get free or low cost counseling on campus. When I taught college, I encountered some students with manipulative parents who seemed to go out of their way to try to get their kids to flunk out or drop out of college. Unfortunately, some parents are like this due to mental illness, jealousy or fear of being alone. </p>
<p>You deserve to go to college and to live the life that you've been working hard to create. Don't let your mother prevent you from doing these things.</p>
<p>Go to college!! Put down those deposits, make your plans, and do not fall prey to the guilt!! Your mom is understandably going to be sad, but she will adapt. As others have said, you may want to talk to a professional yourself to learn how to deal with your mother's manipulations and talk of "dying" should you leave.</p>
<p>Most importantly - do NOT fall prey to the "guilting". That is emotional blackmail of the worst kind!!!! You are entitled to live your own life, and your mother is not playing fair.</p>
<p>I hope that you have a wonderful time at school.</p>
<p>Skygirl, I am so sorry to hear that your father passed away so young. So did mine. You say that your mother is 57 and that your parents had you "later in life." Well, I am 57 and I have kids in high school and one in graduate school. 57 isn't so old, believe me! Your mother sounds like she is throwing a temper tantrum like a toddler would. She may be sad to see you leave, but right now she sounds like she is being very manipulative. You have a right to start living your life without being totally responsible for her life. If you can handle paying for college without having to rely on her, just send in the required deposit and forms. I agree that speaking with the GP, who seems to be a long time family acquaintance, is the right way to go. Don't promise your mother that if you go away to college that you will call her everyday or visit every weekend. You may not want to do that. Just let her know that you will keep in touch with her as often as possible. Good luck-this will not be easy for you, but please let us know how things are going.</p>
<p>Are you in control of writing out the deposit check? (Hoping the answer is yes!)</p>
<p>It sounds like you'll need to do that before you can get all these chips lined up for your ma's mental health care, which you can and will do after. </p>
<p>Keep your priorities straight and send in the materials.</p>
<p>The rest will take its course over the coming months and you'll get through this.</p>
<p>"You say that your mother is 57 and that your parents had you "later in life." "</p>
<p>I agree with the above poster. I'm 56 and have sons who are 24, 20. My 24-year-old son lives thousands of miles away. My younger S is in college that is a distance away. I'm still living a happy life. I am glad that my sons are living fulfilling loves of their choice.</p>
<p>My own parents had me, their first child, when my mom was 36, my dad was 44. They both were happy for me when I went away to college. </p>
<p>It has been said that good parents giving their offspring "roots and wings." That's something I also believe in.</p>
<p>There's absolutely nothing wrong with your planning to go away to college. Being a good daughter doesn't mean gluing your life to your mother's and reducing your possibilities for higher education and a fulfilling, independent life of your own.</p>
<p>I also know many single people who are much older than your mom who have diabetes and a variety of other illnesses who still lead happy, and independent lives. Your mother has a choice about how she lives. The same is true for you.</p>