I thought I would be pretty devastated when I was rejected by one of my top choices and my parents beforehand told me to not worry about it because I was already accepted elsewhere.
However strangely enough, when I got the rejection, I didn’t feel so bad. I was obviously not great about it but I wasn’t bawling like I thought I would. I thought I would just move on. I was in fact, feeling optimistic.
My parents didn’t want to though. They keep lamenting over what I should have changed and how lazy I am. I get it. They’re frustrated and they spent many years sacrificing their time so that I’d get into that college but I don’t know what to do.
It just sucks listening to them. It’s almost worse than the rejection.
I realize this has turned into more of a rant but I’m wondering how parents got over their children’s rejections. It must’ve been very disappointing.
Maybe they are just angry and frustrated at the system and taking it out on you, and hopefully it will pass as they see you happy and moving on positively. You seem to have a great attitude. You can do everything you are supposed to - check all the boxes, make all the right grades and scores, and still not get in to a school that seems like you should. A lot of parents are sad for their kid’s disappointment, but that may express itself as anger as they search for something or someone to blame. There is so much out of your control in the college application process, colleges have a list of wants/needs and sometimes one little aspect of an applicant doesn’t fit their list - could be many things that you cannot change or influence no matter what you do. Perhaps you were perfect but the major you chose was really impacted. Your parents may feel that they could have guided you better or differently and feel bad about that. It’s a hard life lesson, but not getting something can make you stronger, your parent’s will realize this - we just want to give our kids everything we can and in this process we can’t do that. This process exhausts us parents too. My guess is they just need to vent and you are the easy target. Sorry to hear that, but this too shall pass. What is in your control is how and what you do in college. So go be the best you can be. Your parents will recover and come around. Best to you!
I’m sorry that you are not feeling the love and support of your parents right now. I don’t think there is anything you can do to stop their rants, but suggest you try to insulate your soul from their hurtful comments.
Try to find ways to walk away from their hurtful words. And surround yourself with positive people. You can only change yourself, so think positive thoughts about the college you will attend. Sign up for social media for accepted students at your college.
It may take a long time for your parents to change their attitudes. Maybe seeing you succeed at college next year will give them a new perspective.
Find your own joy, celebrate your success in getting into college, and finish strong in your high school endeavors.
Asian immigrant parents by any chance? If so, I really don’t have any good advice for you. That is a special category, and perhaps you’d be best off getting ideas from people with parents like yours.
Generic US parents? Get your guidance counselor to talk with them. College admissions is much harder, messier, and over-all less predictable then when your parents would have applied. Someone who does know where kids from your high school with grades and test scores and ECs like yours has been admitted may be able to give them a badly-needed reality check.
Even if they are Asian, they should realize that
- College admissions in the US isn’t deterministic. You could have worked as hard as possible and not gotten in.
- What you do after you go to college matters more than where you go in the US.
Personally, I think that you should pity your parents since they need to mature.
I am disheartened to hear that your parents are making you feel bad. Nothing is guaranteed when it comes to college admissions. You couldve done everything “right”, and still been denied.
and this
reveal how invested they were that you get into that top choice school, even though their words said otherwise.
The way some parents get over their disappointment is by believing in their kid’s abilities and hard work even if they did not get accepted to their top school, and knowing they will thrive being who they are. Blame is an immature defense on their part because they feel helpless, but don’t buy into this. You don’t have to do anything other than ignore their hurtful words. Hang in there, and be proud of where you are going, and who you are.
Your parents are clearly caught in a struggle between their better and worse natures. They want to be supportive of you, as evidenced by their initial statement, but are having a hard time coping with disappointment. That disappointment can be felt very keenly by parents who love their children and see all of the special qualities that they feel the school overlooked. They are, of course, doing the wrong thing by turning on you.
I suggest that you calmly and quietly tell them that you very much appreciated it when they told you not to worry, but that you are finding their anger now very hurtful. Say that you understand that they are disappointed, but you love them and value their love and support. *If * you agree with them that you actually did narrow your personal options through genuine “laziness,” you could say so, and add that you have learned a lesson that you will take into college with you. (I regard this as a very big “if.” If the issue is a rejection from a school with an extremely low acceptance rate, realize that you could have knocked yourself out on all fronts and STILL not gotten in.)
You could even do so in writing, so that they can react out of your hearing, and possibly calm down and reconsider their behavior before they speak with you.
Talk to your parents and tell them how their comments distress you. Be honest and let them know their comments hurt. Don’t be on the offensive when you do this. Your parents clearly love you and if you respectfully ask them to let up on comments that upset you, they will stop. It may take some time because it sounds like critiquing is their “thing” but if you keep reminding them, they will let it go.
They are not looking at this as “is this a good school for you” but how that school is a reflection on them.
I agree; it sucks to listen to them. When my kids disappoint me I go into the closet with the chihuahua and a glass of wine and cry quietly until I get over myself.
You’ll be fine; just do your best and try and not let your parents’ insecurities get to you.
Some parents get really caught up in the name game and forget it’s about the kid and getting an education. Parents should get your college’s tee-shirt and wear it with pride in front of their friends and acquaintances.
I really appreciate everyone’s comments!
Really, thank you! They cheered me up and I agree that I may just have to be patient.
I hope you all have a wonderful day
MoonDelight, congratulations on your acceptances! I’m sorry your parents can’t move on and look forward to having a child at the great school you will be going to. I hope they stop soon.
I have a really hard time sympathizing with parents who take a rejection from a third party out on their child, or who express/show disappointment in the child. it’s a sign of immaturity, and they should be the role models for maturity. More importantly, college admissions for the most desirable colleges (including well-known publics) is hardly entirely in the student’s hands. The most control a student has is (a) doing well in school; (b) keeping commitments to roles and activities; © filing applications on time; (d) following any legitimate guidance for those applications & essays; (e) exerting genuine effort on those – as much effort, actually, as is required for senior year academics.
However, the most important aspect of admissions is the list itself. If either the parent or the student over-reached relative to realistic chances (failing to research the likelihood of admission for a profile such as the student’s, and/or stacking the college list heavily on the side of extreme reaches), then any disappointment at results is irrational. Wonderful, accomplished students get rejected from various colleges on their list every year – either all their favorites or some of their favorites – because a student just like them was from Iowa instead of Massachusetts or California.
The responsibility for that list ultimately resides with the student, but I have enough experience in this field to know that sometimes parents over-influence the college list. (By contrast, I recently had a situation where the student was unrealistic about his abilities and chances, and one of his parents was the realistic one he would not listen to!) Any parent who insists on an overly reachy list is doing no favors for a S or D and is setting himself up for disappointment as well.
Admissions outcomes are unpredictable for most students except for those so extraordinary or so hooked as a special category. There are lots of students on and off CC who have been rejected by ALL their choices, not just their top choices.
Like the others here, I hope that their mood does not last long. Perhaps if they start reading or hearing about similar results they will learn some perspective.
Sometimes, the hardest rejections to accept are the financial rejections – i.e. a letter of admission without enough scholarships or financial aid grants to make the school affordable. Students and parents are sometimes tempted to “make it work” with excessive student loans or parent loans, even though that is generally not a good idea.
Shame on your parents. Their behavior is despicable.