I just started my freshman year in college. After acceptances came in last spring, I was less than thrilled with where I had gotten in. However, I am now very happy where I am. I am at a well ranked public university, have made some friends, and find the classes challenging but not overwhelming (for now, of course). I spent a lot of time deciding where I wanted to go and thinking it through, and I feel that I made the best choice for myself. Unfortunately, my parents don’t quite seem to agree. Although they assured me last May that they would support me wherever I went, they have made some veiled comments implying that the school I am attending isn’t “good enough”. They tell my younger sister (who is similar to me in stats but not interests) that she can “do much better”. This is hurtful to me because I hold their opinions very highly and hoped that they wouldn’t judge me for my college choices. They seem disappointed that I didn’t have the “best” choices of schools, and seem especially disappointed that I turned down two schools that were higher ranked than the one I attend now (because, in their minds, I “deserve” better).
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my parents and don’t feel like they’re doing this out of malice. I feel like this is part of a misguided attempt to get me more motivated to get into a good graduate school. But regardless of their intentions, this hurts. It hurts to feel like the school I’ve come to love isn’t good enough for me.
Do any parents have advice on how to approach them about their comments? Or how to deal with these comments?
Try to tell the rents that it hurts your feelings when they put down your college. Many parents don’t understand how difficult it is to be admitted. Maybe they will be more supportive to your sister. Too many times people apply to the same schools as their local,peers. Explain again why you turned down the other two colleges. Perhaps of cost? Areas of interest? Maybe they are hurt you,listened but didn’t take their advice.
I think you should try and tell them. When my kids can’t tell me something face to face…they text me…it gets whatever it is on the table but they know I will call and we will talk. So, if you can’t tell them by phone or in person and they have smart phones - text 'em and tell them it hurts you when they put down your college because you like it, you are happy and you are doing well. These same kids that text me stuff also used to put folded up notes in my purse. I love them all dearly and have kept every single note they gave me happy notes sad notes, notes when they were mad at me about something. I wish I could keep their texts because I know their messages are from their hearts. If you can’t text them. I sent a few zinger letters to my mother when I was in college and she saved them all…gave them to me when I had my first baby.
Many parents unfortunately judge their self worth in the bumper sticker on their car.
They truly believe the undergraduate school their child goes to defines their success as a parent.
And that their child is set based on where they got into college.
If that sounds crazy. It is.
There are no dream colleges. But there are dream careers. Do well at your college and you will open doors for your future and create great opportunities for your career.
Ask them if they want you to transfer to a higher ranked college. But make sure they know transfers don’t much aid, so it’s likely to cost them a decent amount of money.
Thank you for all of your responses! I feel like some of you are close to the mark.
My parents are indeed the type that take prestige very seriously. As ClarinetDad16 said, they, like many other parents, consider a “good” university to be a pipeline to future success. At the end of the last school year, I explained to them my reasons for choosing the school I am at over the others I was admitted to (fit, areas of interest, location, and finances). They seemed to accept them at the time.
I feel like most of my frustration stems from the fact that I had to face so many annoying/hurtful comments about my decision from other people. Classmates and their parents would tell me things like “how could you turn down X, it’s SUCH a good school” or “you’re too good to be going to a state school”. It was bad enough from other people (whose opinions don’t really matter to me, especially now that I’m away from town), but it’s much worse realizing that my parents harbor some of these feelings.
I will try talking to them though. They might not have realized that their attitude is coming through or how their comments are coming across.
Your parents shouldn’t do this, but it’s not surprising when you view things from their perspective. A lot of parents view their children’s college admissions as a competition, and this sentiment propagates. When parents brag about their kids’ colleges your parents will feel like they’re losing the competition. If your parents are immigrants they may have come from a country where which university you attend has a big effect on employment prospects.
It’s possible that in the interim, while you’ve been away, your parents have also come up against other people who have made comments like that about your school, and thereby changed their feelings about it. You say that at the time they seemed to accept it, and you’re probably right that they did. I’m the parent of a freshman right now and I can tell you that I talk to other parents all the time and we talk about our kids’ schools, so it’s highly possible that your parents have heard disparaging comments about your school from other parents, and that has what has affected their feelings about it. They may not even be aware that their feelings about it have shifted or have been communicated to you by their behavior. I agree with other posters, you need to tell them how you feel and you may be surprised that they had no idea they were coming across that way, or even that their feelings had actually changed!
To be honest, I attend a school that is very well regarded. They were just hoping I would attend an Ivy or schools with similar prestige. They thought I had “worked too hard” to be attending this school, even though a lot of kids in my state would kill for an acceptance.
I hope that didn’t sound like I’m knocking other schools that are considered less prestigious, but I didn’t intend to. I just meant that it’s a bit silly (and hurtful, considering I either didn’t get into or didn’t feel like I fit into the other schools they consider better) to consider my university to be “lesser”.
My S had a similar problem with his dad. S was positively thriving: great grades, in lots of activities, friends, happy…and all his dad could see was that he wasn’t at an Ivy. I think it was the bragging to friends issue.
One of the most important lessons in life is that you don’t get anywhere by constantly measuring yourself against other people’s standards. The only scorecard that counts is the one you keep for yourself about whether you are getting the educational experience you wanted at a price you can afford. If you are, then pat yourself on the back and call it a day.
We hope our parents will support our choices in life. Their pride in our achievements feels good. But the absence of that validation doesn’t mean you haven’t made the right choice for yourself. Sounds like you knew what you wanted and now you have it. Good job! Make the most of the opportunity.
As for your sister, just tell her how happy you are with your choice, and you, for one, will be proud of her and pleased for her where ever she ends up.
This is painful, but at a certain point it’s time to realize that even parents don’t always know best. My parents did not approve of my graduate school choice because they did not understand the criteria and funding issues that apply to certain professional goals of which they had no experience or knowledge. They only understood mass perceptions. At a certain point, you have to realize that you know yourself and your own life better than your parents do. For some, this comes earlier than for others. Take advantage of everything your school has to offer, enjoy your college experience, and through your actions and accomplishments, gain the endorsement that your parents aren’t giving. Whether they come around or not, you know you are doing what is best for you.
I have a feeling its the keeping up with the Jones mentality. My guess is you live in a very affluent area where most students primarily attend very well known LAC’s. It probably doesn’t have anything to do with you per se. Its really no different then a child getting into this preschool or that private school or being the team captain or what not. I went through this with my parent concerning my D who flipped when my D had no interest in the big name NE schools. I avoid the subject and in time it has gotten better.
My middle D has on her car, and it’s a hooptie (basically a junk, with a sound engine), but she leaves it home, as there is no need, and no space for it, at her school, a rather large blue Y, on one of the side windows. Since we park it in the street, I take it to the gym like twice a week. A person that has seen me the last 4-5 years at the gym, but never spoke to me, once he noticed it, asked me about it…long story short, he was very impressed, and now talks to me about Y or my daughter, at every opportunity. Some folks are very taken with such things. Me, I’m impressed with folks that have a separate refrigerator for snacks in their garage…
It probably won’t be the last time your parents are misguided on something in life. I might tell them once that it bothers you, then never bring it up again regardless of whether they change. It is your life, and if you are happy with it, just ignore them. Hope your sister doesn’t feel too much pressure from them…
If you do well at a public university, you will have many choices when you choose a graduate school, not to worry. Having chosen Rutgers (which I thoroughly enjoyed) over Amherst ($$), I then got free ride offers at JHU and Cornell for my graduate degree. I think that you were very responsible to choose a good fit at a good price point. I would tell your folks that their comments are hurting your feelings; they may not realize the effect their words are having.
I’m really sorry your parents are doing such a poor job of supporting your choice of schools. I’d be so proud of you for picking the right school for you, not whatever school had the most prestigious sticker to put on the back of the car.
I would tell them that their opinion about your school is hurtful and unproductive, and that they’re putting a lot of pressure on your sister that shouldn’t be happening. However, if I had said this to my parents, the result would have been disastrous, so you know your parents best-silence and getting through successfully may be the best policy for you and your future happiness.
Unfortunately it’s just part of growing up. Thank them for paying for your tuition, remind them how much many they are saving by going to a state school, and placate them by offering to let them pay your graduate school tuition at one of the prestige schools they wanted you to go to in the first place!