I so relate to this - my dd had the one foor in/one foot out her entire first year. She also had a boyfriend at home that other girls wanted to date, just to up our mutual misery. She was crying to come home at Thanksgiving, humoring us through the winter when things slightly improved, and on the fence when contacts arrived. We too had given her the you have to stay for the full year line. She was leaning heavily towards not returning. She tried out and made it onto the local club hockey team in case she didnt return to bs. I had always told her that she knew what was at home and it wasnt going anywhere and I didnt want her to regret not trying BS which would provide her with so many experiences. She did make the best of it like your son - good grades, well liked etc. Finally I told her that although we were proud of her for working so hard, we didn’t think she was giving her bs a fair chance and she needed to commit fully to being there in her heart. She was a 10th grader and she got this and let the friends at home go a little (but not the boyfriend! Lol). In my era of hall pay phones, we didn’t get pulled between to places like this.
We paid the deposit for the next year without even telling her I think because we really felt it was the best place - but would have let her come home. Spring break arrived - she was madly in love with her BS and had an amazing next year. Best money I almost didn’t spend! Advice to revisit your local school is sound - he will see it with new eyes now that he has been away and may realize his grass is greener at BS. Does he like his roommate? Does he tell you specifically what he dislikes? Maybe some things can be tweaked. Life will also go on if he comes home. Hugs.
You should definitely give the advisor the unvarnished version of events and give him/her a chance to meet with your son. My guess is a long walk around campus might be the ticket for a new beginning. This is what they do… and they’re incredibly good at it.
When K2 was in BS, advisors at his school would ask him to cheer up homesick students or go along with them for off-campus adventures or a pizza. He loved it and was happy to do it because he was once homesick, too.
In other words… give the school a chance to work some magic before you make the final decision.
I definitely agree about having him have a frank discussion with his advisor, whether he wants to or not. Also, how experienced is his advisor? If it’s someone relatively young/inexperienced, you might also want to (politely) go up the chain. There are deans/counselors/advisors who have seen all this before and can help you and your son sort out whether this is normal homesickness that he can continue to work through or whether it really does go deeper than that. If it was me, I’d probably be contacting the class dean or the dean of students, saying that son’s advisor is great, but you’re wondering what other support systems there are that could be put into play. I’ve found that advisors are usually great at the day to day stuff, but when it comes to more significant issues you may get further, and more quickly, if you just ask right off the bat for others to be involved too.
DS has been in a bit of a funk since spring break. Homesickness, exhaustion, stress, hormones, teen angst, home issues w death/illness, missing old friends, roommate fatigue, and the very real pressure of being around motivated peers 24/7 are all taking their toll. It’s not easy doing what these kids do, and at this point in the season, I think they get tired. I’ve switched from cattle driver to battlefield triage, and am just trying to boost spirit and provide support wherever I can.
We aren’t in “abandon ship” mode, but are clearly less “pink cloud” than earlier in the year. The growing pains are apparent - I think the transition from “test the water/unserious” freshman to “more committed/serious” sophomore is probably a universal one, but it isnt easy for sure.
My focus/effort right now is on getting an array of opportunities outlined to hopefully hook into ds’s passions and provide the positive motivation to take the next big bite. Something to really look forward to for next year and beyond. Maybe that would help in your case as well.
I’d see if there are a couple of adults at the school (advisor, dorm parent, coach, beloved teacher) who might be able to give you some advice AND talk to him. I recall that at the end of freshman year for DS, there was some upheaval as people made roommate decisions for sophomore year, and inevitably, some kids felt “dissed” by friends. One boy rather unhappily “volunteered” to room with a new sophomore. This can also be the age at which some of the kids are making decisions about how to socialize (girls, alcohol, weed) that can be very uncomfortable for those around them, especially if people making those decisions had been friends. (And the consequences of breaking the rules at BS can be huge, so there’s real fear in associating with those frisky friends.) The coming and going probably hasn’t helped as the kids who don’t have that option may be tighter with each other, which could be contributing.
DS has always treated school as “his” thing and has perfected the art of excluding us from knowing about what’s going on and being involved in his life. I don’t think this is unusual – which could be why this is all so baffling to you – so if you could get insight from someone who’s there all the time, that could help.
I think if I were in your shoes, I’d want to encourage him to stay, but I’d also do what I could to open a channel of communication with someone who might help him get some clarity on what’s eating at him and see if there’s a way forward.
It is helpful to a student to have someone to talk to at school, but I would personally want to talk about that with my child first before taking that step. Perhaps you are fortunate enough to have wonderful counselors/child psychologists on staff at your son’s school as we did at my kids’ school. My kids already knew these people from dorm life or another activity. Between their background, training, and experiences with kids of this age group and of the given school as well, they can be excellent resources for both students and parents even for just a one off visit or two, or a walk around the campus grounds together. Much better skilled and experienced than coaches or advisors in my opinion. For a one off with my own child, the psychologist was able to pinpoint from just one chat that the issues were purely situational and not something more (lots of psychological issues can develop throughout the teen years). Coping strategies can be discussed with the child as well as determining where said child may be on an unhappiness scale so to speak. The individuals at my kids’ school were top notch and knew their stuff and had the institutional history to be of help. Just talking it out with someone who can listen objectively and let your child know he’s not the first one to feel this way can be cathartic. Just another avenue to think about…
I understand. I’m glad to hear you’re miserable too. :). Even though we talk a lot about “laid back” at LC, the pressure these kids are under is real. Add in all the other dynamics and wow. I’m just amazed how well they pull it off.
I’m going to grab him for the weekend, and try to do something fun. I must admit I like having my role switched from taskmaster to cheerleader. I haven’t had to tell him to pick up or brush his teeth or get to work in a year.
8 more weeks until finals, then a really long summer break. He earned it. (So far…)
I appreciate this thread so much as giving more attention to how vulnerable our kids are as evolving young adults. So much of the focus on this forum is competitive in a celebratory manner. When most of the reality of parenting from a distance and supporting our amazing kids by remote is challenging.( Personally, my kid hasn’t requested to leave and is ‘thriving’, but there are always, moments of vulnerability. Always.) Developmentally young adults have cognitive shifts that I cannot even begin to understand… which is why fit is very important. Private schools are experts at advocating for their students, or at least that’s the ideology that I am paying for. Is your kid in a community that you trust? It’s one thing to perform well because one can, but is it authentic? Talk with people at the school intimately and be sincere. No one including your son, should be posturing (that said …if you embarrass him OMG!!)
One last thing… the head of my kid’s school said that there was an obvious developmental jump for boys entering the tenth grade… they start to really organize themselves and excel. Anyone have good articles or books to reference?
When I was a child in boarding school (From 6th through 12th grades), I would often call my parents and unload all my fears and insecurities. At the end of the call, or the talk at home, I felt SO much better, and would head off to whatever. My poor mother, on the other hand was left with all the doubts, insecurities and second guessing of which I had relieved myself…
Well, we signed him up for sophomore year and sent him back.
Over the summer, he learned that one of his best buddies was leaving his old school and another had at least one foot out of the door. That news certainly helped him him to evaluate the old vs the new on the merits. It also took away a lot of the “what am I missing out on” sentiment that he had been having. Before summer was over, he had decided to be all-in at his current school.
Also helped that he knew he would be going into a single for sophomore year.
Based on grades, as well as teacher and advisor comments, and, most importantly, his attitude every time we see him, communicate with him, or drop him off, he is happy there. He is trying to fully live the experience.
Special bonus, he has told acknowledged with gratitude our decision not to grant his request to let him quit, and knows he would not have been happy if he had done so. That recognition of our parental contribution to his well-being and future almost made it worth all of last year’s angst.
I wish I could thank all of you by name. So many of your comments helped us to hold firm, and validated our decision to provide the supportive push, at a time when that was what he really needed.
