Son thinks he wants to come home

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>Our son is a freshman at one of the lovely hidden gems and is home for winter break. We live in a city not on the east coast and he really wanted to go away to an east coast boarding school for high school. He applied to 4 schools and got into all 4 with very generous financial aid packages from all. He chose his first choice, a school he'd fallen in love with from the moment he set foot on the campus. </p>

<p>Things he loved about it? It's in the middle of nowhere - as a city kid that really appealed to him. It's small - when we toured schools that had 1000+ kids he was sure they were too big & overwhelming for him. He wanted a school that had about 400 kids. The dress code - for boys, the jacket and tie they wear to class every day. He loved the idea of that too. The school also has great athletics, international students, all in all he thought it was a total fit.</p>

<p>Well last night after he read his first report card (an A, some Bs, and one D in advanced bio - a class he's been struggling with all semester) he burst into tears. If you knew my kid, you would be shocked - he's not one to get that upset about anything or show his emotions like that. Through the tears he told us he thinks he made a mistake. He thinks the school is too small (freshman class has about 65 kids but they'll grow to 100 as sophomores.) It's too preppy (well, yes, it's preppy.) It's too isolated, too much in the middle of nowhere (2 hours to the closest city.) He can't imagine 4 years of one day weekends (they have Saturday classes.) And those international kids? He said they're great except they kind of stick together. He's kind of over the whole jacket and tie thing too. Ultimately he said "it just doesn't feel like me." And he thinks he wants to go to school back in our city. He says he's made a few friends but the class is so small there aren't many kids he wants to be friends with.</p>

<p>There are things he likes about the school - he loves his teachers, his advisory has 2 kids in it so he likes how small that group is and he does seem to have a good time a lot of the time. Our 1st parents weekend was great - seeing him there he seemed so comfortable, his mid-semester reports were great, he made the JV teams fall and winter which he was happy about. Every time we asked him how things were going over the last few months, we heard no complaints, and he kept telling us how much he loved it. But now this!</p>

<p>So I'm at a loss because this doesn't quite feel like homesickness - he never mentioned missing us or his brother or our home cooking or anything like that. His issues all seem like things that are things that won't necessarily change the longer he's there - except his class size. I reminded him that 45 new kids would be joining his class next year but that was a small consolation. He did say "maybe it wasn't such a good idea to be away from you guys" so maybe that is a little bit of homesickness.</p>

<p>Last year he applied to schools in our city as well as boarding schools and got into those too, so he's thinking of applying to just 2 of those schools to see if he can get in again. But this morning he said he wanted to see how he felt about his school after the snow was gone, because one of the appeals to going to school out east was the winter - he loves winter sports. </p>

<p>Meanwhile I'm thinking - ok what if in March or April when it's spring he realizes he was right he doesn't want to stay. By then it will be too late to apply to local schools for next year - the time to apply is now. But I don't know - he's super disappointed in himself about his D (he's so hard on himself none of that disappointment is coming from us) and he's home w/his old friends he's known and gone to school with since they were in Kindergarten - I just don't know if we should start to set the wheels in motion for a possible switch or not or if this is just normal 1st year transition/adjustment/ missing his old friends issues. Anyway, I'm not sure what to do and would appreciate any advice from parents who've been through this. </p>

<p>Thanks for reading my long post and happy new year!</p>

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<p>I think perhaps depression over the ‘D’ plus a bit of seasonal depression? Have him try one of those winter lamps (take it back to school with him). Sounds like normal transition…I don’t have a kid in boarding school. Maybe he’s had some conflict with someone there, I’d look into that…</p>

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<p>You thoughtfully describe a scene that’s probably playing out in MOST of the student’s homes who are receiving their first prep year grades.</p>

<p>For students not used to Cs, Ds and Fs it is a major shock. PREP SCHOOL ACADEMICS ARE REALLY HARD. Better now than in college to realize what it means to study and deal with challenging classes. </p>

<p>He likes the teachers and the advising. Go back and have him meet with the advisor and put a plan into place for biology. Tutoring, study sessions, time management skills. </p>

<p>He will turn this around and have those skills for the rest of his life. And colleges don’t care much if the first semester in prep school is problematic. Many schools hide those grades for this reason.</p>

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<p>I think he’s homesick. The problem with finding a dream school, in my experience, is that the dream is just that–something he built in his head for nearly a year while he was still at home. Look at all the surface level stuff that’s bugging him–the preppiness, the shirts and ties (those do become second nature after a while, but not this soon! I remember a poem my kid wrote spring of freshman year about the snake he coiled around his neck each morning!). In his head too, he probably had deep friendships formed already. The reality is now clashing with the vision, and getting a D is the last straw that caused the whole thing to collapse. </p>

<p>The thing that makes this difficult is that it sounds like he’s got good options at home. Still, if he puts one foot out the door now, it’s going to make it harder to find his place at school. </p>

<p>My kid is now a senior. We were looking at pics of his prep. year a few nights ago, startled by how much he’d changed, how different that kid was from the kid before us now in terms of friends, interests, academic skill. His whole first year was rocky; though he crashed sooner, Christmas was still really hard. I remember reading posts by parents at the time saying things along the lines of “My kid was horribly homesick, but now school is like home and he never wants to come back” and thinking, “Yeah right…that’ll never happen”…until it did.</p>

<p>My heart goes out to you. That period was so hard for all of us. We at least knew that he was better off at school than at home; you’re somewhat disadvantaged by those good day school option in that way! I do think he’ll recover though. Your job at this point is just to remind him of the things (below the surface!) that are great about the school. </p>

<p>One of the hardest things can be trading out those old comfortable deep friendships for new ones. My kid, who is also an athlete, made most of his good friends through sports, but in retrospect says the one thing he wishes he’d done his prep year was join a club or two with a more diverse group of students (by which he means girls(!), but you could substitute international students!). So you might encourage him to do that too–maybe even join a club outside his comfort zone just because kids he’d like to get to know are part of it. I think, out of all the many good friends my son has made at bs, only two really good friends are guys he knew prep year. The nice thing about prep school, too, is that an entirely new crew of students comes in every year–not just to fill out the class, but younger students as well (my son’s best friend is in the class below his)</p>

<p>And let his adviser know what’s happening, with or without your son knowing you’re doing it. They’ve seen this before, and a good adviser (sounds like your kid has one) knows exactly how to handle stuff like this. </p>

<p>Keep us updated!</p>

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<p>I sympathize with your situation. In our house, we make decisions by the year. By that I mean when we hit a bump in the road, we never make a decision until the end of the academic year. I would not worry about the deadlines for the local schools if he has already been admitted, I don’t think there would be a problem with admission during the summer months. The problem with starting the process during the school year is the potential to “check out”. Get in touch with his adviser, they deal with this all the time and it is not unusual. The winter semester is tough with the shorter daylight, cold weather and mounds of snow in the Northeast. This issue is common across all types of schools, big and small.</p>

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<p>Good luck to you. As an adult, oh the many things I wish I had stuck out for a few more days/months/weeks but sure you’ve talked to him about ‘sticking it out’ for a bit.</p>

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<p>firstgen, I love that approach (decision by the year) and will share that with my hs junior. She’s pretty good about sticking things out and has done many things I’ve asked her to do ‘for just one year’…</p>

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<p>Giraffe – Classicalmama offers excellent counsel, as usual. I would emphasize the point she made about the importance of joining clubs or other groups. The sooner a tight network of friends is established, the faster the homesickness goes away. Also, there may be a specific student, or couple of students, who have bothered him at some level. More than likely though, this is normal transition angst between the comfort and familiarity of his home environment to one where he is establishing himself as an independent human being, comfortable in his own skin, in control of his environment. </p>

<p>I would not say to him “we’ll discuss how this is going at the end of the year.” If he hears those words out of your mouth, he’ll think of school as temporary and he’ll be less likely to assimilate. Lastly, many schools, Thacher included, do not report freshman year grades. Their theory is that freshman year is all about coming to grips with college level burdens (academics, time management etc) and should not be held against a 14 year old.</p>

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<p>I would like to add a comment about grades. There is a certain amount of shock for these kids as they adjust to the higher standards of Prep school. I think it would be helpful if these schools took a few steps to eliminate some of the pressure during the adjustment period. Andover makes 2 classes English and History pass/fail during the first trimester to assist with the adjustment. Additionally, the GPA is not cumulative so kids are not penalized for the first year when they are measured against kids who join the class in later grades. In my opinion this is the humane thing to do. Think about all of the things these kids deal with during the first year of high school without the comfort of having mom and dad waiting for them at home after a rough day at school.</p>

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<p>As a parent/BS alum, I went into this (with my kids) with the BS Worst- Case Scenario Handbook swirling around in my head. You see, based on my own experience, I thought I could prepare them for everything- including all the challenges they’d face first term. I was wrong!</p>

<p>First term is a haul and the wave of doubt usually doesn’t hit until they (finally) have time to feel it. Christmas Break! So I guess my point is: All of us have been there. Even the parents who thought they had all the answers and could somehow prevent it.</p>

<p>I think it’s wonderful he’s sharing with you how he feels. Many kids don’t. Like ThacherParent, I wouldn’t say the end of the year either ( even though I’m a Plan A, B and C girl myself).</p>

<p>After something like this, it’s always tough on a parent to put their kid on a plane, train or in an automobile that takes them back to school. And it’s especially hard for parents to conceal their concern and look happy. The best advice I can give right now is to remain as upbeat and as enthusiastic as you possibly can.</p>

<p>Like everyone said- reach out and let his advisor know. I think he’s going to be fine.</p>

<p>Happy New Year!</p>

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<p>Thanks so much for all of your suggestions. I do think if he’d had a 4.0 on his report card that none of this would have come up w/this intensity. He went to a progressive K-8 school that didn’t even give grades - same friends for the last 9 years so I think it’s all a huge change. And it turns out he’s only one of 3 kids from our state (all freshmen) so I think that isn’t helping either although he’s friends with them and has been traveling to/from home on flights with one of those kids. </p>

<p>classicalmama - I think you’re right, from last November when we first visited the campus to March when he got in, he probably had built up the school in his head and now the day to day reality is setting in. And I think you’re right that part of the problem is that he has great private school options at home w/his friends - I don’t want him to have one foot out the door while he’s there so I will tell him not to apply now to transfer next year. </p>

<p>I think he may feel differently if he sticks out the year. It’s so hard to hear him be so bummed out and say things like “I feel like I might be missing out on having a good high school experience” and “I’m not that happy there.” Why we thought it was so odd was because all semester long, he’s said he’s been happy, loves it, loves everything about it, so glad he went away, felt like he made a really good choice for himself. This is the 1st we’ve heard of any unhappiness and then it all came tumbling out.</p>

<p>His form dean called us last week about that D and we talked to him for a while about plans for him to bring that grade up and ways for him to be successful there. They fully believe he can handle the work - they put him in all advanced classes and the dean told us he had just re-read his recommendations and they were all stellar, they believe he can do it. And our son believes he can do it too, he said the classes actually aren’t that hard, he just has to figure out different ways to study, organize his time, do his homework, etc. and I don’t think he’s figured it all out yet. I don’t think our son is thinking about college in terms of the grade - we definitely aren’t - I think he’s just really disappointed in himself. firstgen - I like that idea of mid-year not being the time to make a decision about something. </p>

<p>So I’m thinking we’ll call his form dean again to give him a heads up - I am sure he has dealt with this many times before. And we can check in with his advisor too. </p>

<p>This board is so useful - thank you for responding. It really helps to not have all this running around in my head with no outlet. Oy - this parenting stuff is so hard sometimes - knowing when to push them, when to rescue them, when to let them go, when to keep them close. Thanks for helping me think it all through.</p>

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<p>Speaking as someone who didn’t stick things out (I went to four colleges in four years!), I highly recommend the alternate path. And I’m saving this thread so I can refer to it next year if we run into a similar situation. Good luck to you and your son! Ditto on your comments on parenting; I think we all struggle with the same issues, and choosing to let children fly the nest early makes it all more acute.</p>

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<p>Our DC also had a bracing first year away that included a D level grade–for the entire year. It was a tough transition at times and he did not get along with his roommate at all, either. 2 years later and school is more “Home” than home (sniff), he has a good core group of friends and has had some incredible experiences, and he’s also encountered the “shadow” sides of boarding school and happily is making good choices. His grades are honors level, though still not what he was used to in middle school. He smokes the standardized tests–got a 5 on his AP at the end of sophomore year and did well on PSATs. I trust it will all work out, freshman D not withstanding. And the experience of seeing how hard his classmates apply themselves has been more of a motivation than anything else we could have provided.</p>

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<p>If his self-assessment is that the D is mostly a time management issue, I’d really stop worrying. That’s SUCH a classic first term of boarding school problem–and such a great lesson to learn early. If he starts worrying about college, just tell him that that D will make a great common app essay topic down the road. </p>

<p>The good thing about stuff like this happening now is that you’re still there to lean on. It’s hard, for sure, to be the repository for all that angst, but it’s a huge gift that you offer your child too, just to give him that space to get all his worries out. If you encourage him to push through his doubts and feelings of failure, he’ll come out so much more resilient and self-confident on the other end.</p>

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<p>Hi, I am also having the first year as a boarding school parent and fully sympathize with you. </p>

<p>Although kids hardly talk out, they all, to some extent, have homesickness, miss family and old friends, get stress from the new environment & increased workload and more than anything else, they do get shock from unexpected grades. Under such circumstances, all that once looked so great about everything could turn into the negatives in a split second with any trivial reason. Kids are resilient and fragile at the same time. </p>

<p>Many parents here are more experienced than I am and have already given you a lot of good advice. All I want to say is help your child regain the self-confidence. The best way of doing it is, in my opinion, let the advisor know exactly about the current situation and boost your son’s confidence, especially on academics. Anybody can get D grade at a stellar boarding school and he will only get better. </p>

<p>As he regains confidence by any means, everything could turn back into all positives. It includes making new friends. So, advise him to be more open to new friends and try to see the positives. Cheer him up, not with pep talks but with your thoughtful wisdom of life. Parental support is a big confidence booster and consolation. </p>

<p>As some parents stated, I don’t think it would be the best idea to give him another option such as day prep school. He should (and will) get over this for himself with helps of parents, friends and advisors. He can’t avoid this issue by choosing other option. It is not good for his long-term self-confidence either. </p>

<p>We will look forward to hearing from you the good news soon.</p>

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<p>Giraffe55, for what it’s worth, it sounds like first-year adjustment worries to me. I suspect he may have done the equivalent of what my kids have done over the phone: he dumped out all his concerns and worries for the upcoming year on you. He may not be as worried as he was before your conversation, because he’s been able to share them with you. Meanwhile, you are left in the throes of a crisis.</p>

<p>First, I can tell you that as far as I can tell (totally anecdotal, from my kids’ friends’ experiences), a child who chooses to change schools after freshman year can end up happily enrolled in college. So don’t get tied up in, “if he doesn’t apply to a local school this instant, he won’t have any options.” You have time for him to sort out his feelings. </p>

<p>Second, every year he will know more students at his school. Has he joined any extracurricular activities? It can take a while for kids to meet other kids. Extracurriculars are opportunities to meet students from other grades, who play different sports. If you’re concerned, I recommend touching base with his advisor on the social issue, and maybe his dorm head(s). There could be a subtle effort to encourage him to meet more people.</p>

<p>Third, I’d incline to following his lead, of waiting “until the snow is gone.” If he’s otherwise happy, see how he feels about the school, once he’s been through a whole academic year.</p>

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<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1448222-im-not-happy-here-mom.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1448222-im-not-happy-here-mom.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>The above thread was just updated and it is at the top of the Prep School Parents thread. Hockey player wanted to leave school,situation is a little different since son entered boarding school Junior year which is a very difficult grade to enter. Thought you might want to read it to see how things turned out. I am still a believer in finishing out the year and making a decision at the end of the school year. Good Luck.</p>

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<p>Thanks for alerting me to the update on calhockeymom’s thread. I had read it earlier - after I started my thread I realized I could have just tagged on to hers - but it’s good to see things are working out.</p>

<p>Periwinkle - I think you are so right that he dumped everything on us and then felt better later but left us in a tizzy. He literally had his breakdown and then went off to the snow to ski with some friends from his old school for a few days. So off he goes and I’m at home thinking he’s going to come home and want to stay more than ever after being with all his old buddies. But he came home and we told him that we’d been thinking and he should stick out the year, etc., etc. and he said yeah, he was thinking that too. And also that he had heard from another friend from home who’s at a different boarding school that he was having similar feelings. So he was basically okay. Meanwhile I’m thinking - boy I went through a lot while you were hanging out and realizing you’d be ok! :)</p>

<p>We did talk to his dean and his advisor - both said what he was feeling was totally normal and they would keep tabs on him.</p>

<p>But here’s the catch - while he was in the snow w/ his friends he got injured. He is now wearing a splint and may need a cast and he is a winter sport kid - part of the reason he wanted to go to boarding school. So now we get to test our “what if” scenario when he had his acceptances last March and I said - pick the school that you will want to be at even if for some crazy reason you can’t do your sport. He’s been out of his sport all this week, they’re taking him to the doctor tomorrow for more xrays (the xrays at home were inconclusive because of the swelling) and we’re crossing our fingers that nothing is broken although it seems that it may be - or maybe just a bad sprain? </p>

<p>So now I feel bad for him again although he’s taking it in stride. Or maybe he’s just resigned. I hope this doesn’t set his mood back too much but maybe my kid is more resilient than I’m giving him credit for. Once we hear from the doctor - to be continued!</p>

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<p>First year parent here as well (dd is a sophomore) and like many others, I can relate. My child broke down in tears over Thanksgiving saying she didnt want to go back even to finish the year. We told her she would have to finish out this year but it was her decision re next year (we too have good options at home). Xmass came and she made a JV team in a new sport for her, and after 2 weeks home with friends she misses terribly, she realized what she would have to give up if she came home. She is leaning towards sticking it out. She also choose a rural BS school and is now ruling out all those small rural LACs that I was sure she would love because her BS is so isolated. Sigh. No real wisdom to impart here - just wanted you to know others feel your pain and share that adjusting (for both kids and parents!)is a much longer process than I hoped it would be. Glad both of our kids are trending the right way.</p>

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<p>The “maybe he’s just resigned” also strikes a chord with me. Our daughter is very stoic - at times she seems really happy at her BS too and has never - other than one or two moments when the roof fell in - been miserable, but I worry that she may be more unhappy/stressed than she is sharing with us. I’m happy though that she is liking school more rather than less and it still seems possible that she could love it by Spring.</p>