Getting Very Mixed Signals From Homesick Kid

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

DS is a freshman boarder at a school that is reasonably close to home. Close enough that we see him up there or bring him home for weekends on a regular, but not every weekend, basis. Going away to this school was his idea and dream for three years.

He is a smart, fairly mature, funny, athletic, big but not fully developed, occasionally dramatic, sometimes admittedly lazy 15 year-old with real potential. At his old school, he was among the most popular and successful kids, but that was a very small fishbowl he had been in his entire life and he was never really challenged by anything being there.

At the start of this school year, he had a classic case of homesickness, texting nonstop, calling every day asking to come home, etc. His was maybe a little worse than others because we had had a recent death in the extended family that was affecting all of us. We worked with his advisor, and got through that, in part, by telling him, “there is no way you are coming home now, this was your dream for three years, you cannot drop out after the first two weeks, you know you are there for at least the end of the year.” His advisor even explained to him that there was an older boy in his advisory, a legacy at the school, who was homesick his entire freshman year, and now is its biggest fan.

As an aside, there was a kid who dropped out after three days. We did not think his parents were doing him any favors in preparing him for life.

Since then, DS has repeatedly talked excitedly about things that are going on at the school, whether in class, athletics or extracurriculars. When we have been around to observe him, he appears engaged, sociable, and well enough liked. His advisor tells us that he has not reported any significant difficulties, nor have his teachers. He has had some bumps, but, according to all of the objective evidence, seems to be managing his responsibilities and doing reasonably well in all areas. We have seen definite signs of growth and maturity. He has expressed some negativity on return days from breaks, but, for example, he would have been talking about his plans for later years at the school just the day before.

Now, as re-enrollment is coming due, he is freaking out at the thought of “having to come back.” His first explanation was that he misses his old life, is worried about how we are doing without him, and wants to be our little baby boy again. When we responded that we would feel awful if he dropped his dreams to “take care of us,” he came up with the explanation that he hates boarding, hates all the students, hates all of his classes, hates this awful place, etc., etc. He’s just not ready to be there, he says.

Our guess is that with the homesickness that came as such a big surprise to him and us, he has spent most of his first year half-in, half-out, never really committing or going all in to be completely part of the school with a plan to graduate from there. He never really processed what it means to be there, or how to adjust to the recent death fully, and, so, has never really overcome the emotional aspects of boarding school life. He may also not have enjoyed the rude awakening arising from the challenges that come from having a bigger social network to navigate, harder academics, more athletic competition, etc. He might be feeling overwhelmed by no longer being the best, most popular, etc., even though, in reality, he is able to manage everything just fine.

We know boarding school is not for everyone, and, it is possible that he would have had a happier HS experience if had he never gone. But, that is not where we find ourselves now. Do we listen to what he is saying on only the big return question and allow him to come home, or do we listen to everything that he has been telling us, including his overall hopes and dreams, and tell him to fully commit and rise to the challenges? He could always come home, but there would be no guarantee that he could get back into the school if he did come home and hated being home again.

As parents, what should our priority be, a teenager’s professions of what would make him happiest in the very short term or a teenager learning life skills of resilience, being willing to take on challenges, and being able to overcome his own emotions? We know that he may have regrets either way.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

2

There is a tiny percentage of kids who should be pulled from their boarding school, ones who are clinically depressed or genuinely at-risk. This determination is yours alone in consultation with the School and perhaps even a mental health counselor. There are many kids who take 1-2 years before getting comfortable in their own skin. Certainly the hardest time for any homesick child is going back after vacation, especially after the summer. You are right to point out that the big risk here is how he will feel about himself in the future. There’s a good chance that he won’t feel good about “giving up.” Again, this is a highly personal decision and eats up the parent to see their child so unhappy. But nine times out of ten, their anxiety eventually gives way to happiness and self-confidence. And that’s a beautiful thing to watch.

3

First off, hugs to you. I know how tough these things are for us parents. Heart wrenching and we want to listen to our kids and want them to be happy but don’t want them to make a bad decision.

Can he take a day and spend it at the local high school? I had one child who can be the “glass is half empty” type who sometimes went through bouts of unhappiness at boarding school. I listened and was open to change but also discussed how, at least in my kid’s case, the things that caused the unhappiness - many would be the same in the local public with a few new issues thrown in. How the LPS environment might not be better just different with its own set of issues. My kid did do a day at the local public and with time there and talking to old friends that were very “meh” about the local school, realized that despite not being perfect the grass was greener to stay put at BS.

Sometimes being in high school just sucks and sometimes taking a knock to one’s confidence going from Big Fish to smaller fish sucks, too.

I would want to make sure that I discussed thoroughly that there wasn’t some untalked about issue causing my kid’s angst - bullying or something like that.

Bottom line, however, I’ve known kids that did drop out of boarding schools who went on to do very well. There is no shame in that, either.

4

That is a tough decision. I do not have a kiddo in boarding school, just a D16 heading off the college that has recently expressed some anxiety about her decision to attend school 1200 miles away.

I have not said it to her yet as I am keeping in my arsenal for later use, but I do think it is an important reminder… coming home isn’t necessarily the answer, things Chang, people move on. There is no guarantee that he will be able to pick up where he left off at home. Transitions are difficult.

5

Here’s a good thread : http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1689420-first-year-reflections-p1.html

6

Tell him he can ‘worry about you’ AND enjoy boarding school at the same time. He can miss his old life AND enjoy boarding school at the same time.

You’re right that his not being “all in” emotionally may be contributing to his feelings. If he’s constantly wondering “should I stay or should I go” he can’t be fully present. Maybe he shouldn’t come home so much. It’s hard to make the transitions to/from every time.

Full disclosure, I do not have any experience with BS, but I have quite a bit of experience with sending children (and going myself as a child) to full-summer sleepaway camps. I always told my children that they could miss me AND have fun at the same time. That seemed to free them up to not be guilty about having a good time while they missed home.

7

Or it may just not be for him. Here’s another good thread http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1516897-life-after-leaving-bs-success-stories-p1.html

8

I don’t think you’re getting mixed signals at all. He doesn’t want to be there and is telling you that. He wants to be with his family. At 15, I think he knows what he wants. The fact that he is able to manage and even enjoy some of his experience at school, only speaks to his strengths. He sounds like a great kid, this should be his decision.

9

If you acquiesced to every “I don’t want to do something” of a 15 year old kid, you would be doing them a grave disservice. Whether it’s boarding school, violin lessons, summer camp, or doing the dishes etc, part of parenting is making the tough call about what’s best for your minor even if that requires temporary discomfort to get to a positive outcome. For most of us, overcoming struggles, rising to the occasion etc makes us strong individuals able to cope with life’s ups and downs.

10

Different parenting philosophies here……boarding school, violin lessons, and summer camp all fall into the category of things a 15 year old should be able to decide for him or herself. The dishes might have to be done, but in my experience a 15 year old would be happy to help because I asked. Allowing teens to make most of their own decisions, as long as they’re within reason, pays off loads in winning cooperation. Learning to overcome struggles, rise to the occasion, cope with life’s ups and downs, etc., is better accomplished, in my opinion, when the motivation is coming from inside the teen, with the trust and support of the parent.

11

Dreams change with experience. It may have been his dream “for three years.” Fine, but he’s four years older now. No one should be made to feel guilty for no longer being 11 years old. If you were posting this in November, I would probably say it’s a phase which will pass. April is not November.

Can you reenroll, and see what happens? If you decided not to send him back, would you forfeit only the deposit? If that’s an option, I would follow that path. It could well be that in his mind, you and he had a bargain. He would do his best, but you would allow him to come home at the end of the year. A day shadowing a local public school student would be a very good idea.

I would also (urgently) want him to see a counselor who is not connected with the school. With the recent death in the family, I would tread carefully. If you do not take his clearly expressed feelings into consideration, at the very least, it would be possible for him to force the issue by getting himself kicked out. Then he would have a disciplinary case on his transcript.

Students choose to change high schools. It will not harm his future. You might have to plot a new course for your family. It will turn out ok.

12

His signals are very mixed. One day, he might be talking about his chances for making varsity next year, or going out for the play, or other future plans at that school. As we mention re-enrollment, however, he is going to ridiculous extremes to downgrade every aspect of the school and begging to come home.

He hasn’t even finished his first year. We are inclined to try re-enrolling, letting him see how this year ends, and giving him the chance to experience the second. We know that there can be a lot of change between the first and second years. Heck, a new roommate, alone, might completely alter his dynamic.

The concern is that if we set it up as “just give it another year,” we might be simply resetting the clock on his countdown and reluctance to commit. After all, if he had not started out with the very unexpected early case of homesickness, and if we had not temporized it with “finish the year,” we may not be having this problem now. If it will work there, it will only be because he commits to fully engage. He cannot keep going one foot in, one foot out. In his present state of mind, though, he cannot possibly sign on now to the idea of committing for three more years.

We know his experience has not been what he may have envisioned before getting there. It hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. He obviously was not prepared for that because he had never really been challenged in anything before.

Those challenges, however, are some of the very benefits to be gained by kids going off to boarding school. His communications seem to reflect a lot of self-doubt that he can hack it overall, even as he is succeeding at meeting the challenges as they come one by one. Learning resilience and developing confidence in your own abilities to meet challenges are important life skills.

If we bring him back home to a place where he will not face those challenges, what is the lesson to him? Sure, one of them would be “we love you and we just want you to be happy.” It is not that simple, however. Other unstated conclusions that he might draw are that he cannot handle the big time or that it is best to run away from anything that is hard instead of learning to overcome fears, struggles, etc. We’re not having a 35 year-old living in our basement, refusing to do anything that comes as a challenge.

In one of the linked threads above, a parent gave the example of bringing the middle son home, and being conflicted about it even as the kid finished HS years later, especially when the kid says that they should have sent him back. It would be very hard to hear that, mostly because we would be mad at ourselves for not knowing better than to do what an anxious 15 year-old asked us to do. We should have known better.

We are trying to find that balance between appropriate parental pushing to help a child learn how to get through a hard time, and acquiescing to a kid who says that something is just not right for him, despite displaying in so many ways that it is a good fit.

Isn’t parenting teenagers supposed to be all fun all the time?

13

I am thinking that the BS knows when a kid should not be there. Can you ask their advice?

14

Talk to his adviser.

15

The school wants him back. He is a model student, no demerits, assigned host for revisits, etc. It would be shocked to hear him say he is not happy there, and, of course, he doesn’t want to, nor does he want us to, talk to anyone there about any of this.

16

Talk to him. Point out everything you have told us, that it looks to you like he is doing awesome, and that he seems enthusiastic about a lot of opportunities he has at this school, but you also want to be responsive to his concerns and you love him and want him to be happy. This is confusing to you, but I wonder if it is also confusing to him or is he sure? I don’t think there is only one “right” decision here, whatever you all decide as a family will be fine, there will be pros and cons and bumps in the road whichever road he travels, even regrets can be learned from. I know you were being sarcastic about parenting teenagers being fun all the time, but really, I think it can be, at least most of the time, just talk to him, listen to him, trust him. He’s not going to think you don’t have confidence in him unless you don’t have confidence in him.

17

Wanting to be the “baby boy” isn’t enough reason to be at home. My younger one revels in being the “baby boy”, but he loves board school life.

18

Reading your posts and others, here are some additional thoughts and references to my own child’s experience in case you can relate to something similar with your child. From your posts, I see similarities in experiences with the mixed messages and positive reports from faculty and advisors:

"If we bring him back home to a place where he will not face those challenges, what is the lesson to him? "
He’ll probably face a different set of challenges at home. High school is just different than middle school.

Your post #14 reminds me EXACTLY of how my kid was. No one at school would have know the unhappiness felt at times if I didn’t bring it up to an advisor or two. Tons of leadership and accolades including things that were given by faculty. Did very well socially and did fine academically. Seen as a role model by adults to his peers. No shortage of friends of both genders. People would have been very surprised.

Are there roommate issues? My child did a little bit better in latter years in a single. Personal space and some alone time were important although my child was very, very sociable and community oriented to the outside world. This child needs time to step away and regroup sometimes which I can understand. Do you feel your son might fit the same mold? Boarding school is a 24/7 engagement - classroom time, teams, clubs, dining, dorms, roommates - and that can take its toll at times for certain personalities. The environment can wear thin at times. My child never could really articulate exact reasons for feeling this way. It wasn’t one thing to point to. Over the years, I came to realize that some of it was living in close quarters with some peers who had a very different value set and priorities. At times, all seemed A-OK and would roll off my kid’s back and my child would be chatty and happy. At other times, especially during periods of stress, little sleep, or long winters, it all would wear thin.

I would consider re-enrolling him but would definitely sign up for tuition insurance, which would still entail him attending at least a few weeks at the beginning of the BS school year. Not sure when your public school gets out, but assuming it is after BS ends, have him spend a day or two there with no promises that it is an option but just a look at what another environment entails. He might be surprised by how unappealing it is (bigger classes, more structure, more busy work, less engaged classmates, less resources, teaching to the test, etc.)

We lived close enough where I could drop off a home cooked meal or my kid could come home for an Saturday overnight when a change of scenery was needed, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. Over the 4 years, these things helped for mine. Each kid is different. My other child never desired a second off campus. Different personalities need different approaches.

19

Great advice here. Something to consider that I know colleges prep parents for is “the dump”. What this means is our kids feel safe with us and offload all the negative hard emotional stuff to us. I have spent many a night laying awake worrying about something one of my kids offloaded to me, later to realize that by expressing it to me- they were able to let go of it and move on. They slept fine while I tossed and turned all night.

I also think the advice to consider a single is spot on. Our youngest daughter will definitely be in a single next year as she has many of the same feelings as your son and I beleive a big part is the lack of privacy and downtime she has due to sharing a room.

20

When I was young, stupid, and homesick (in college, not BS), I didn’t stick it out. I regret that. But…life worked out anyway. I would certainly encourage him to stay where he is and to throw himself into it wholeheartedly. But if he is REALLY upset and you can’t talk him down, what can you do but go with it? Going to school is mandatory; going to boarding school is not. I do think the idea to get a taste of the local public high school is wise. And to talk with his adviser. And all the other good advice… and I hope the situation resolves to everyone’s satisfaction.