My DS’s GF is graduating this year and he asked if we want to attend her graduation. She has visited us and he visited his family but we haven’t met her family yet. They want to move in together and may get engaged in a couple of years. She is an amazing girl and they are good for each other but there is no official commitment yet.
I would like to meet her family but not sure if graduation chaos is the right time. They may bring extended family members or want to focus on their DD and meet her friends and their parents for last time. They’ll fly from west coast while we are at few hours drive from the school. DS graduated in 2021 and works 1.5 hr away from her college.
How would you handle it? We just don’t want to intrude on what’s an important occasion for them. We’ve not met parents of our daughter’s BF until he proposed. Should we drive there to meet them or wait for another occasion or until after kids have an official commitment?
well I think graduations in general are usually very boring, so I wouldn’t particularly want to go if I could avoid it :). Also, usually there are limits on how many guests can come so that might be an issue too. On the other hand, this is a chance to meet her family if they are flying to your part of the country. I guess I would discuss more with your ds and see if he/she really want you there, what their plans are as far as other relatives etc. One option would be try and have lunch/dinner with them at some point over the weekend without necessarily attending the main event.
FWIW we met older S’ GF’s family at her graduation in 2021. They went to the same school. She was a year behind. We live 2.5 hours away. They were roughly 7-8 hours away. S and GF were also moving in together the following month.
We did not attend the actual ceremony, but tickets were also limited due to covid. We met them for lunch and bought GF a graduation gift. An air fryer that she wanted.
My D is graduating this spring and frankly I’d be put off if her BF’s parents decided to attend. I want that weekend to be able to focus on her. That said, I think you need to discuss further with your child.
Graduation weekend is usually very busy. If the family will be there after or before the weekend, maybe that’s the time to meet them for lunch or something.
Your son asked if you would like to attend…but what do her parents think about this??
I’d say what does the girlfriend think about this? I’d ask her and your son the same question you’ve asked here. If she wants you to go or to have a meal with her family then I’d do it. The day is about her not her parents.
The relationship doesn’t seem set in stone yet (not that it needs to be) but it sounds like at this point she is still “Son’s GF” and you haven’t really made her “family” yet. While I don’t think there is nothing wrong with meeting her family previous to an engagement - in fact, how great if you can! - I don’t know that graduation is the time to do it. I would thank son for the invite and then offer congrats to GF in some other way - a text that day, a card, a gift at some point. You can also tell you son “tell GF’s parents we said congratulations” - it’s an easy way to show you care!
I’m assuming this graduation is not in your town? If it was I would have also maybe added that if you knew GF and her parents would have some downtime that you could invite them over for a drink or dessert or meet them at a restaurant for similar.
Yes, and no. We did a lot of organizing dinners and brunches, etc on graduation weekend for both of our kids…for OUR family. Frankly, we would not have invited someone not related to the actual graduation…and I’m not sure we would have had time to meet them during the graduation weekend.
We also flew a distance for the graduation…as did the family members who attended.
The only way to know is to have the GF ask her parents what they would prefer! So many people do things differently, don’t assume they do or don’t want you.
If they do want you, you should make every effort to meet them. It doesn’t sound like there will be many other opportunities if they are a plane flight away.
I say start as you mean to go on, even though who knows what the future holds. I would want to send the message that we are friendly, think the GF is fantastic, and interested in the GF’s family.
My oldest just moved home having broken up with her college boyfriend, they dated more than 6 years. My 24 year old son’s girlfriend graduates this year, they will have been dating over 2 years and I’d don’t think I’d go. My 21 year old has been dating her boyfriend for over 3 years, they both graduated early in May so I guess I did go to his graduation but who knows what the future holds, we did meet his parents twice.
If I were in this situation I would have my kid ask Girlfriend and if she says yes I would ask my kid to ask her to make sure that won’t be awkward for her parents.
But it really is a day about Girlfriend, not a day about the parents, no matter how much money we have shelled out.
I would not necessarily expect to go out to eat with them or a special family celebration, but if I lived in easy driving distance and could go easily and my kid wanted me to and his girlfriend wanted me to, I’d do it with no expectation of anything more than attending the ceremony and maybe a quick meet n greet afterwards. Wouldn’t expect to sit with the GF’s parents or anything, just a handshake after and a ‘so glad to get to meet you all.’
But you can easily get this info – and it can only come from the parents, otherwise you are guessing, and can easily guess wrong!
Here’s what I would do:
Ask son if he’s run this idea by the girlfriend
If no, have him ask what she thinks. If she thinks not, stop here, and don’t go.
If GF thinks its a good idea, ask son, has your gf run this by her parents?
If yes, and they want to meet, go and have fun!
If she hasn’t run it by her parents, suggest (via son) that she ask if they’d like to meet you on this trip, or would they rather at another trip/time that wasn’t so hectic? I cannot see feelings being hurt by either party if one proceeds this way.
Yes, but your son and his GF are not strangers! They sound pretty serious, and if I were the GF’s parents, I would probably want to meet you way more than other parents (if they are a flight away, odds are they aren’t terribly close to other parents).
ETA 2of my 3 sons are in serious relationships, so I’ve been in this type of scenario. Plus: I have SONS. If I want to see a lot of them after they are married, I need to be flexible, and integrate a bit with GF (potential future spouse) and her family. In other words, of course don’t be a pest, but DO take every chance to be friendly and welcoming and spend time with GF’s family.
I find this interesting, because definitely check to see where the invitation came from. But I can’t fathom a scenario with my kids where they would invite us to something without checking with someone first. In our family we never ever commit someone to something without checking with them first. Even going over to drop food off with new neighbors for a 10 min visit, or having someone over for dinner, or even going to a family members for Xmas even if it’s a tradition.
So in this situation, I would have assumed the invite came from GF/family through my son. But yes, check!
But I also would think if I had a daughter who was moving in with some guy, I’d want to meet the family beforehand. This might be the only chance!
And anyone who loves my kid, I also consider family, married or not. Should they go their separate ways, as long as something awful didn’t happen, I’d still wish them the best
When your son graduated did you meet his friends and their parents? That’s not really something I would anticipate doing, but maybe that’s how it rolls at their college.
@Sweetgum At DDs cross country graduation, we had 10 family members all staying at the same B and B. We reserved the pool area and had a social for our family one night, and for our kid and her college friends and family another night. Each time there were in excess of 20 people and we were the hosts. Meeting a BF parents would not have been much quality time.
I should add…for the friend party, our kid could have invited anyone SHE wanted there. So if guess if she had invited a BF’s parents that would have been OK. But this wouldn’t exactly have been a meet and greet situation.
BUT we also stayed for three days after the graduation. That would have been a perfect time for us to meet someone for brunch or lunch or whatever, and really have a chance to actually meet them.
Oh…and the graduation itself…we had to wheel and deal to get four additional tickets because our kid only got 6. Call me a jerk, but it was enough of a headache getting tickets for our family. I would not have done so for people I never met before.