I’m SO anxious about sending my D to a summer program on a college campus. It’s a well-established program for high-performing kids ages 15 and up. She doesn’t drink or do drugs, she hangs out with the studious nerds in HS, and the college summer program has boys and girls on separate dorm floors, security at every door, no on-campus parties for underage kids…but she’s a beautiful girl, there seems to be such a prevalent roofie-and-rape culture these days that I just don’t know if there’s ever enough I can do to protect her. What do you guys think??
I think she will be safe. Yes, she will be exposed to drinking, drugs, and possibly sexually experienced classmates, but she can choose not to participate, and all those activities occur at her current school as well.
First, get it out of your mind that the physical characteristics of a female are related to her risk of getting raped. Your “beautiful girl” is no more at risk than any other girl.
Second, have you asked about the supervision? Are there adults living in the dorm with them? Who are you afraid of – the adult supervisors or other kids? How are the supervisors screened? Who do you think is going to roofie her?
How old is your daughter? Has she ever been away from home before? It is true that we can’t ever 100% defend our children. They go out in the world without us starting during the teen years. Even in younger years, they sleep at friends’ houses where there are fathers and brothers.
I understand your fears, especially if this is the first time your daughter is going away from home for an extended period. But you have to trust yourself that you have vetted the program. And you have to trust that your daughter will listen to your safety advice. If I were the parent, I would send her.
As our pediatrician always says, “Being a parent means being worried.”
Remind her to go with a female buddy if she is walking somewhere at night or secluded. And to avoid parties, but if she must go, go with girlfriends and keep an eye on each other. I wouldn’t worry too much. My duaghters did a lot of these programs and didn’t have any assault issues. Not that boys never behaved badly verbally (they did), but they could handle that.
My daughter did a college summer program and it was very, very structured. There was a ton of supervision and zero time for shenanigans (they worked until nearly 2 am most nights on their projects). They also travelled everywhere as a group. I wouldn’t worry. Universities know that they are responsible for minors in a much different way.
It is HIGHLY UNLIKELY she will be exposed to drinking and drugs at a program like this. This is a summer program for young teens, this is NOT COLLEGE. My daughter did one of these and noted that it was way more supervised than she was used to for her many years at a YMCA (all female) camp in the Berkshires. Not that they were doing drugs or drinking at the Y camp; but at the summer program they more or less couldn’t walk around anywhere unsupervised.
Many colleges have more high school (and younger) kids on campus during the summer than college students. When I was in college I lived in an apartment just off campus, next to a junior high (they used the fields). There were band camps and cheerleading camp and science camp and tennis camp and on and on. The college kids weren’t that interested in the high school kids and there was no inter group partying.
My kids went to a band camp and I think the only time they saw the college kids was at a dining hall or the rec center.
Have you talked to your teen about this? By 15, even if they are in the “nerdy” clique, they should be taught what it feels like, what to do if it happens to you, the myths, etc.
My daughter attended 2 such camps, one a fairly non selective computer camp and one a highly selective specialty physics camp. Yes, the age range of students was 15 to 18, and yes, even nerds may (and did) bring illicit substances. My daughter was on the younger end of the age spectrum, but yes, at times she felt inexperienced in some of the discussions and jokes. She was comfortable with her choices. In any group of teens one should expect a range of behaviors common to high schools, academic camps are no exception.
I’ve started to talk to her about it. I’ve told her not to accept open drinks or pills from others at social gatherings; she can get a can of soda or a water bottle and open it herself. I’ve told her to walk around campus with buddies as much as possible. And not to do anything to make someone like her more. The program she’s attending is on a college campus; and while the dorms have good security, kids are free to walk all over campus or even off campus till their nighttime curfew.
These are all VERY helpful responses; thanks so much to everyone!!
i think experiences like this are good training for them to become more independent as they approach college
One more thing: I’ve checked with the school, and she is aware that NO class or private tutoring is held off campus. So if anyone tells her otherwise…forget it. And she should let me know if that happens.
I think you are way over-thinking this.
You don’t have to tell her “not to do anything to make someone like her more.” That’s confusing. First of all, it’s NEVER the girl’s fault IF something happens. That statement makes her think that SHE brings it on. Very bad advice. Second, again, “liking” someone is not why women get raped.
She will be fine. She doesn’t need instructions for every possible scenario. Just tell her to trust her instincts and that YOU trust her instincts.
I agree with @bopper. This is a great “baby step” toward independence.
Otherwise you get in positions where we saw…we were in NYC looking at colleges. My DD had a male friend who was also looking at colleges. We invited him to take the train in and meet us (we would pick him up at the train station) and his mother would not let him ride the train by himself.
Brantly, I appreciate your response, but I don’t think “don’t do things to get people to like you more” is bad advice. Because when I was in high school, I did do consensual things to get people to like me more. And I regretted it. I sort of see the connection you made in your mind between that advice and self-blame for rape, but that’s not why I gave her the advice.
By “do things” you meant sexual things? I didn’t realize that’s what you meant. I thought you meant that she shouldn’t act kindly or make friends with people or become close to people.
Oh God, no! To say “don’t trust anyone” would be going way too far, I agree. To me it was more about feeling comfortable enough in one’s own skin to know what one wants and doesn’t want to do. And regarding rape: Even if some consensual closeness leads to assault, it is still NEVER the girl’s fault. No one “asks” to be assaulted, PERIOD.
What I joined in to be more socially accepted was more drug, cigarette, and alcohol stuff.