Going back to art school after $118k in student loan debt? Is it possible to pay back loans?

College Majors Visual Arts and Film Majors
1

I posted a thread a while back about cautioning people to do the EXACT OPPOSTITE of what I am now about to ask advice about from others.

Currently, I am in the process of pursuing a degree in nursing. I am now 26 years old. I went to art school when I was 18-19, first at Massart, then at RISD. I took a few years off before returning to school for nursing.

However, I had to take the last year off from school for a variety of reasons. The biggest reason being because of poor mental health. I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety for the last five and a half years. I have tried 19 different medications. I just got put on two new ones that I’m hoping will help me; I am very depressed at the moment and doing worse than I have in a long time. The last few months, I have also dealt with new onset of chronic migraines. Luckily, they are finally getting under control, after having them every day for three months straight. I also have IBS, GERD, asthma, eczema, allergies, and various other health issues (ie sometimes unexplained daily hives, and a few episodes of esophagitis that I’m waiting on getting an endoscopy for, tachycardia that I need to get a Holter monitor for). A lot of it is due hugely to anxiety. Sources are like from strained relationships with my parents, with them constantly screaming at me, swearing at me, and sometimes getting violent. I worry that this means I am not ready to return to school in September. Am I?

I work as a PCA in a hospital, and have done so for over a year. I am excellent at my job and regularly receive praise from patients, fellow coworkers, and supervisors. I am in disbelief I am that able to fake it.

However, I spend my shifts anxious beyond belief, and break down in utter exhaustion when I am home and stress out badly when I am not there. I have barely worked in the four months since the migraines started, even though I really need the money. I dread going to work and have panic attacks over it.

In my first semester in nursing school, I received the highest GPA out of my class of 40 students and was the only one to make the dean’s list. I am capable of doing the work. I am very intelligent. However, I have many problems that started nearing the end of that semester that have made me terrified of returning and wonder if nursing is something that will make me happy in the long run. I was regularly suicidal, calling the suicide hotline, and having screaming, hyperventilating, huge hours long anxiety attacks.

I regularly have what I refer to as identity crises, for the last few years. It always has to do with art vs nursing.

So. Nursing:

I absolutely love helping people. Love it. For so long, I have felt that nursing has been my calling, and have felt great fulfillment from helping people. But the longer I do my job as a PCA, the more burnt out and stressed I am becoming. A lot of it is probably also do to stress in my personal life, my anxiety and depression in general; but, I am also very empathetic, and I take on the stress of their illnesses home with me, it’s a huge burden, and it’s become too much for me to handle. I feel terrible saying that. Patients regularly tell me that I’m “one of the good ones who actually cares” but that comes with a huge price. A patient recently remembered me even though I only had her once as a patient a year ago. I am so happy because that is a huge reason I chose to pursue nursing instead of art; to make a difference in peoples’ lives, to help, and to care for them.

The second biggest reason, unfortunately, is also because it would bring me a large salary (about $70k gross to start full time on the night shift where I currently work, confirmed by a current coworker who just started). This would make it so much easier to pay back my loans, which I’ve wanted for the longest time to do as quickly as possible so that I wouldn’t have it as a cloud over my head for the rest of my life. A huge reason for my depression and anxiety is also this huge debt. It’s ruining my life whenever I think about it. I just want to cry over all the mistakes I made getting myself into this with no escape and not knowing how to make it better. But, yeah. In many ways, I have viewed nursing as a means to an end. But don’t get me wrong, I very much enjoy it. It’s intellectually stimulating, and I love learning about all of it. It is just very challenging, time consuming, stressful, and makes my anxiety soar through the roof.

I have major procrastination issues. I put things off, and then in a cycle, I beat myself up for it and have regular break downs and panic attacks over it. It got worse and worse by the end of before I took a leave of absence. It was a living hell. The problems I don’t think have been fixed.

After searching for years, I was finally able to find a therapist who knows of a partial hospitalization program that goes from Monday through Friday, 9am-3pm. I am going to start this asap because I desperately need it.

Art:

I look back to when I was 19 and had to leave art school due to money, and wish I tried so much harder to make a strong portfolio to apply back to schools with the hopes of getting scholarships to cover the cost of returning. I have so many regrets. Saying that is an understatement. I miss doing art every single day. I miss art school, I miss thinking of a future with art, I miss the environment, I miss everything about it. I feel like I’m living a lie by becoming a nurse, in a way. Sure, it’ll bring me a good paycheck and I will be living out a part of myself by helping people and showing them love, which in my everyday life is the BIGGEST and best aspect of myself, but it doesn’t feel like I’m being true to who I am or what I’ve wanted to do my whole entire life. The biggest thing I will get out of becoming a nurse is financial stability and being able to pay off my loans. That’s it. Helping people as well… but I really feel the stress will over shadow that. I will come home exhausted, stressed, and collapse, with no energy or motivation to do anything, much like I do now.

So: My main question. Is it feasible to take yet another year off to work on a portfolio to hopefully get a large (I hope) scholarship to return to, say, Massart? I would commute. I live in MA, so in state tuition. I would major in, maybe, graphic design? Something that would lead to a desk job? I would love to do illustration, photography, or painting, but I could easily do those in my free time. Graphic design seems like the most secure job I could get. However, it goes back to the main concern my cosigner, and now I, have: is that enough of a salary to pay back my gigantic loans and live a decent life? I want to get married, buy a house, and have kids. I don’t want to live in my parents’ house forever. I want to get on with my life. I do still want financial security.

Right now, my mental health is so unstable. But the little art I’ve been doing has made me so happy and has helped me greatly. It’s been an outlet for me. My mental health worries me so much. I do not think I can handle nursing school in this state. I really don’t.

Nursing stresses me out. So much. Clinicals stressed me out. Nursing school stressed me out. It was very challenging and time consuming. It is for everyone, but put health issues, severe depression and anxiety, and abusive parents on top of it, and it just all ads up to a huge barrier to overcome.

Thoughts?

2

How much do you have left to complete your nursing degree?
Get your priorities straight.
Make a real plan or find someone you trust who can help you map out the next few years. Look further down the road.

Much of your anxiety you say is from money problems and accumulated debt. Adding more debt to go to art school is not wise. You need to get that degree and start making money and you like nursing. Stick with it for now. You need to be able to support yourself and get out of the house.

The degree will allow you to pay off loans (less anxiety) and move out of the house (much less anxiety). I’ll bet moving away from your parents would be a huge stress reliever (just guessing).

The regular routine of a career is much different than the stresses of college and clinicals. And it comes with a decent paycheck that will allow you to enjoy your life finally.

Find a way to include art in your daily life. Take classes, study art/photography/graphic design on your own for now.

And good luck! Perhaps posting this in the parents forum would give you more feedback.

3

Clearly you are very smart and a hard worker,getting the top GPA in your class. You can apply this philosophy to art as well. For now however, you need to work to pay off your loans so you can be free of them. With nursing, you can pay them off, perhaps in a few years? You can take art classes at the same time, and work on your drawing skills.

Others will have different views, but I don’t think you need a college degree in art to do illustration, painting or photography. You need to have the skills.

As my daughter is a professional artist, I meet many other successful artists. Most of them did not arrive at art in a straightforward manner. Many pursued other professions first, earning a better living than they would have had they started out with art at age 22. A good number of them do not have college degrees in art (including my daughter, who did not attend college, is a successful painter and is now also hired for her photography skills).

Your illnesses are all connected to your debt and your situation. If you can put your mind to it I’d recommend finishing nursing and working there for a few years to pay off your loans. With a nursing schedule, you could certainly work and study art as well.

As far as regrets, schools are giving out very few scholarships these days, and it is even harder for a transfer student to get one. Better to take art courses with minimal or no costs.

4

I’m with the others. I’d bet the issues stem mostly from the crushing debt.

All jobs are very stressful for the most part (higher paying ones anyway). If you do the art you love, and can’t pay the loans, you’ll be just as stressed out.

Finish something before incurring any more debt. You’ll feel better fir it in the end. And if you accept nursing as a job, and art as a passion, perhaps there will be less angst. Making the choice usually eliminates the angst of being undecided…

5

I think you need to work on your anxiety in small steps before you can tackle anything else.

You obviously are talented. Reduce your anxiety by using your art skills.

Take a community pottery class to give your hands sensorimotor stimulation for relaxation.

Start a garden at work and get your hands in the soil.

Try listening to soft music while you stretch out.

Stay away from toxic people, and if you can’t, tell them “God Bless you.”

Keep every scrap ever given to you that says Thank you. Post these on your mirror and read them, out LOUD; believe what they say!

Chew your food slowly, enjoying every single bite, smell, texture and flavor. Go get a $.99 cup of hot coffee or tea. Add flavoring so and sip slowly.

Take a bubble bath; soothe your muscles.

Take care of YOU first, then go to work on the rest.

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BTW, my eldest is your age, she lives at home by choice, since she is trying to save money to buy a home. I told you the same things I’ve told her. Take small steps to accomplish your goals.

Trust yourself the way your patients trust in you.

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@gouf78 I have three semesters for the ASN. I have made tons of plans for a few years down the road, budgeting wise. I don’t really have anyone close to me who is good with money or budgeting so I’ve relied on what I’ve read online. My goal is to pay it off within ten years. The budget would be tight but I don’t want it hanging over my head forever. I just so worry that my anxiety and depression is from more than just the debt. I feel that I can’t be sure. I do know that I was happy before my life came crashing down on me when I had to leave art school, however, and then I deteriorated rapidly. And every aspect you said will decrease my anxiety, will in fact do so. Whenever I get to spend time away from my parents, at my boyfriend’s house for example, I am so so much happier.

And I do love nursing. Not in the same way as art, but I do love it. I don’t think I would have gotten as far as I have with so many compliments and such high grades if I didn’t.

“The regular routine of a career is much different than the stresses of college and clinicals. And it comes with a decent paycheck that will allow you to enjoy your life finally.”

WOW, this struck a HUGE chord with me. You are so right. I just realized; I was very much enjoying working for this very reason, and it wasn’t until the reality of returning to school hit me in the face, that I started freaking out for this VERY reason. Class and clinicals and homework come with unpredictability that leave me stress that is much different than a working life. You have just given me something to look forward to, very much. Thank you. This has put something in perspective for me hugely.

I do need to not give up on art. Thank you so much. You opened up my eyes.

@woodwinds Yeah :confused: Thanks for the reality check. I guess I just need to keep getting it lol. To be free of my loans I need the salary of a nurse. Once I become a nurse, I can certainly take art classes. My goal, with my mock budgets, is to have them paid off in under 10 years. I actually have budgets for the next 10 years that include paying for a wedding, saving for retirement, 20% of a down payment for a house, and saving for the first year of having a kid haha, so I’d like to think I can be smart about all of this. I have budgets galore for lots of things. But money is my biggest stressor, so even typing that last sentence made my acid reflux go absolutely insane. Anyway.

I might be romanticizing art school. It’s the kind of thing I guess would be on my bucket list that I don’t ever want to regret not doing.

I will still do art. I can’t not haha.

@HRSMom I never looked at it that way (a choice vs undecided). That makes a lot of sense. I’m going to try to challenge my thinking and look at it that way. It’s hard right now. But I am going to work on it. Thank you.

@auntbea Those are some wonderful therapeutic techniques, many of which I haven’t heard :slight_smile: Thank you so much for your sweet, kind words.

People in this thread pointing out that the debt is linked so closely to my illnesses makes complete and total sense to me - I posted it during a time of huge clarity to me, but I didn’t completely see that part for myself. But you all saying it, I can see it. It was AFTER I found out that I had to leave art school because of the student loans (I would even say that after my parents and friends pushed me into taking on the humungous debt for RISD) that I started deteriorating into deep depression and anxiety) so I think that is very accurate.

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I agree with gouf78. This is a smart plan.

And you don’t have to get trapped in either/or mentality. As gouf78 said, you can find ways to including art in your daily life in other ways. But you must be able to provide for yourself financially and nursing is a great career path.

You are only 26 years old. But try to picture yourself at 46. What will you want to say about your life at that time? That you have a career and professional associations and accolades you are proud of. It may seem far from your mind now but it will be of primary importance when you are older. Think of your 46-year-old self when making plans.

9

Stick with the nursing as it leads to a steady paycheck, pay off your loans, work on your art in your free time by taking community college or community ed courses (non-credit) then turn your attention to graduate school in art therapy or perhaps a dual MFA/Masters (nursing or therapy). Your medical and artistic skills will guarantee you consideration at some of the best schools (MICA, for instance, attracts students interested in the arts and healthcare). Plus having waited you’ll present yourself as a mature (and interesting) individual.

Your options will be many once you pay down some of that debt.

Good luck!

10

mirror–look up Dave Ramsey on-line.
He’s a financial guru who teaches money budgeting and financial sense. He’s made his name by teaching people to get out of debt and avoid it altogether. He’s especially great in that he provides plans with priorities for those in debt. He’ll tell you what to pay off first and what to save for first and why. He has a Christian bent which turns some people off but that should not keep anyone from following his very good advice.

Again:
Keep your eye on the prize. There is a ton of anxiety in getting through school but remember a career is NOT school. Yes, you will have a ton of responsibility otherwise you wouldn’t even get a paycheck! But you don’t have all the hoops of grades, courses, clinicals that is a daily grind and worry. It’s totally different.

Personal thoughts:
You need to think a lot about your home environment. If you feel better away (like at your BFs) then seriously consider how you can move out. Now. It’s your mental health. I am NOT blaming your parents nor you (neither should you if possible) but dynamics between kids and parents can become distorted over time. Parents keep kids at home as KIDS and adult children respond as rebellious or as remaining kids. Doesn’t mean they don’t love each other but it can result in a toxic environment.