Happily – You don’t get to pick your parents. You also don’t get to pick how to spend your parents’ money. That’s the golden rule – he who has the gold rules!
For financial reasons, I lived at home for college and also had to pay my own tuition with earnings and scholarships. I didn’t get my first summer job after I graduated HS – I had summer jobs beginning in grade school. You are way better off than me and way better off than most kids. Deal with it. I turned out fine. Residing at school would have been a good life experience. But it is not life threatening.
All these years later, my wife is still nicked off that her parents forced her to go away to a school that was within 100 miles of home rather than her ideal school which cost the same but was 400 miles away. Her life turned out fine too. When she complains, I point out how I would have loved to have been screwed by my parents as badly as she was by hers. You can always find someone worse/better off than you.
If you want your parents to cough up an incremental $40k for living expenses, figure out how to convince them that they should spend the incremental dollars. Or figure out a way to pay for the tab yourself. You can take out loans if it is important enough to you. Perhaps you should get a job NOW and start saving up. Perhaps you can live away for two years rather than four. Or be happy to get a good education as a commuter student. FYI, the majority of U.S. college students are commuters. Most college students in Europe live at home.
Learning how to deal with stuff like this is a more valuable life lesson and life experience than hanging around a college dorm. You’ll figure it out.
Can you justify the school that is two hours distant with reference to its academic quality, reputation or the diversity of its majors? Is it ranked more highly than the local option? Does it offer majors or special programs that appeal to you that you couldn’t do at the local university?
It seems to me that your best bet is an argument that speaks to the value of the extra financial investment your parents might make at this other school. “Independence” does not seem to be something they are willing to pay for. So figure out a more tangible justification that will make sense for them.
The first thing is to make sure they really are able to financially send you off to this other college. Depending on how open your parents are when discussing finances, it can be hard for kids to judge how easy or difficult it will be for their parents to pay for college. You may live in a very well-off situation, but that could be because there’s not as much money to pay for college (as they assumed you would live at home). Your parents may be saving for retirement or are considering the possibility of having to continue to support you after college while you are starting your career. Maybe they want to save money to help you and your siblings beyond college. There could be a million different reasons why paying for you to move away is not the best financial decision (or could even be a poor financial decision) for what your parents consider to be an “extra” and not something that is necessary.
And if you are right–that this is a situation where your parents can comfortably pay for you to go away from but simply won’t because they don’t see the need–have you tried talking about what the 2-hour-away college will give you that the nearby college won’t? I’m not talking about independence or the chance to live away from home because it is clear that you and your parents will have to agree to disagree on that front. But have you discussed with your parents clear opportunities that you would get at the college further away than the college closer to you? Perhaps one college has more diverse academic opportunities or better chances to study abroad or a better department in your potential major. Maybe they have more research opportunities for undergraduates or have a great alumni network. Maybe your major is in a bigger department at one school, so you would have a wider breadth of courses to choose from. Maybe they have a really great track-record for sending students to graduate school or good relationships with companies that many students intern with or end up working for.
If you can’t find ANYTHING that makes 2-hour-away college a better fit for you than the closer college, besides the fact that it’s further away, then maybe it isn’t worth the extra money. You will have your entire life to live away from your parents. There’ s no reason it has to happen today, and there are many ways for you to still become an independent, fully-functioning adult without moving away. But maybe your parents will be more willing to consider it if you come up with good, concrete reasons why this college is a better fit for you academically and will provide you with a better jump-start to what you want to do after college. If the college closer to your can’t provide these same opportunities, your parents may find it worthwhile to spend the extra money to send you away.
This DOES come up often, and parents DO control their kids through money in many of the threads-see the recent “extreme helicopter parent” thread. This OP said, “didn’t get to move out until recently (they’re in their mid twenties). During college, it was pretty much like they were still in high school (living at home, asking for permission, etc).”
So yes, I think parents here are controlling even legal adults well past majority with their money. And the kids, not knowing how to stand up to it, go along. Of course parents should have a say in how their money is spent. But so often in these threads it’s “my way or the highway” this school ONLY, or even this JOB only. I don’t think it does anyone good, even if the parents think so.
There are definitely people in this world that are its my way or the highway. Its very sad when this happens. However, if money is not the issue and lets say its the same cost one school versus the other and living apart from parents is the problem the argument has to be based on the advantages of living on campus apart from gaining independence. Just thinking about my d who goes to school within driving range. If traffic here was not abhorant, i think a car, the insurance, the gas, the parking, the maintenance would probably be about the same as her dorm. But i dont have to worry about her on the interstate driving in terrible road conditions and she’s not spending hours of her day commuting. Also after frshman year if you can get an RA position generally housing is free.
So why should your parents spend extra money on you? It really doesn’t matter if they can afford to send you away or not. What message would that send to your sisters? Parents in general try to treat their kids the same. As a parent I know that you can’t spend exactly the same on each kid but really think about it. It’s not like you need to go to this college because it has a special/unusual major… In a way you are putting them on the spot. The best thing would be for you to figure out how bad you really want to go to this college. If you really want to go you will take out student loans in order to pay for the difference.
Agree that if this isn’t cultural than is likely is in full or in part about the money. OP, you may not realize how much debt or expenses your family has. If the price is the same with the scholarship, fine go. Or take out a student loan. I get that you “don’t want to” but your parents probably don’t want to either.
You don’t need to go to the college 2 hours away to be independent - you just need to agree on ground rules!
All 3 of my kids went to schools @ 1 hour away. It was understood that they were on their own, and we NEVER visited unless we were invited. They did not come home on weekends, but they did call mom & dad once a week- most of the time! However, it was great to have the schools close by when it came to picking up and dropping off - and we were able to go watch them in theater or sports - and I think all parties enjoyed that.
So, IMHO - set up the ground rules correctly and you will be good to go - and good to grow. Good Luck!
I agree with you that you should live away from home. The college experience will be MUCH different than if you’re living at home. Did your parents attend college? Did they live at home or away? Maybe that has something to do with their decision. Also, they may be feeling that empty nest, although that’s not a good reason to keep a child at home. I think maybe they’re just missing the main point of college though. It’s not just about getting a good education, it’s about learning responsibility and becoming an adult, as you say. You don’t really feel like an adult when you’re living with mom and dad.
I would approach it with maturity and just explain to them exactly what you’re explaining to us. Make sure you tell them that you’re willing to work and get scholarships and do whatever is necessary to lessen the financial load. You really need to show them how important this is to you, and what you’re willing to sacrifice to get it. I hope they change their minds - good luck!
“They can afford it”. I get the notion that you are not talking scholarship or loans to do this, but honestly, all my sympathy for this predicament is fading. Your parents’ money is not yours to dole out based solely on your desires. If it’s independance you want, you can have that without being 2 hrs away, and remember, I’m all for going away if that’s a reasonable choice. But 40K to do that seems unreasonable, to me. Maybe it’s not about an empty nest, or being unreasonable, or cultural norms. Maybe the parents – who are people, too —just want the money for things they want to do, after having sent three kids to college.
When I opened this thread, I thought the problem was going to be that the school was too close to home!
I admit that although intellectually I understand that this is a cultural norm for some people, I cannot understand it on a deeper level, and I have no idea what kind of argument would prevail with people who think that way.
If it is a matter of being able to afford school, or if the student in question has special needs that in the parents’ judgement require it, that’s another matter.
The sisters went to the local school and parents paid for it. S/he wants to go away and got a scholarship to this school 2 yrs away. The question that remains, is the school with the scholarship cheaper, the same, more cost than the local school. If the OP can offer work earnings, taking out loans to bridge the gap the parents might agree.
You can feel like an adult when you earn your own money and pay for all your expenses, just living away from home on the parents’ money does not make you an adult or independent.
I think the OP said he/she was willing to get a job and earn money to help with the finances. Living away does not make you an adult, but it is one step closer. It’s also a HUGE difference from living at home.
If your parents are willing to pay the amount they’d be paying for the local school, maybe you can cut a deal where you pay the difference in costs between the two schools. Getting a scholarship is certainly a good first step. Some people just don’t value that living on campus experience. My husband lived at home and attended a community college and at first he thought that would be just fine for our kids. I lived on campus even though I attended a college close to my home. I truly valued that experience and want that for my kids. My daughter is now living almost four hours away and loves college. She’s enjoying her freedom and handling everything like a champ. I’m glad we could do that for her. I guess I wouldn’t recommend that you take out $30K in loans for the opportunity, but I think $10K would be Ok. That doesn’t seem like a lot to me.
Unless this is absolutely a money issue, get out of the house. Go ahead and take out the student loans. Get a part time job. Be a real student and out of the nest, and have a true four-year college experience. You will be glad you did.
I understand that moving away from home won’t make me an “adult” because my parents would be helping me pay for the expenses. Like someone else said however, it’s a first step. It would teach me how to be on my own with out my parents being there to do everything for me.
The two schools I’m talking about are pretty much the same. I plan on going into Business, so going to the school in my city would probably be better because they have a better program.
After reading through the thread, I think I’m going to use all the advice given to me to try and convince my parents to get me a dorm at the school in my city. It’ll be hard work, but I think I can do it.
Does anybody have advice on how to pay for room/board costs? Or know of any scholarships that can be used to pay for room/board?
If the school costs 50-60k and aid is 8k, no summer job will pay the balance.
Sure, this topic comes up often. And what do we say?? We used to say that if the OP is dependent on the parents, he does have to consider their perspective. And that, once educated and working, he can have more of the “independence.”
It seems to me that in the last couple of years, CC is swinging back to support of a kid stating, “But I want” and assuming the parents are automatically disagreeable. Didn’t we used to expect more info before jumping?
We don’t know if they parents can afford this (with at least 3 kids) or are living well but by strictly managing different costs. No one knows if this 2 hour college is even a reputable opportunity or defensible for the possible major. In fact, the local college may be the superior academic experience.
