This is actually a common symptom of depression. Assuming other people are pretending to be happy or keeping up appearances and are not genuine. I would bet they care about you.
You sound like you are really struggling. Treatment for anxiety and depression was life changing for me at one point in my life. And talk therapy liberated me from some things in my past that were really bogging me down. PLEASE take a first step to get some help.
What you are writing is alarming.
Go see a counselor NOW. Today. Or call a hotline, if you don’t have the energy. Be honest with the counselor.
This is more important at the moment than classes or sports practice.
First of all, the point of a counselor is that they can understand you even when you are not expressing yourself efficiently. The good and bad news is that depression is common enough that they have plenty of experience in figuring out what is going on inside you.
Second - they would be able to help you understand that when you claim “I am a loser” it is your OPINION, not a fact. They may help you see the logical fallacies which led you to this opinion, as well.
You may, however, require medication. You have a disease, and like people who battle diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes, etc, you may need medication to help you with your battle.
Third - you are at Harvard and an athlete. What part of this spells “loser” to you?
Again - you are socially awkward. So what? The world is filled with famous successful people who were socially awkward. When you have your depression under control, you can work on that.
Finally:
You are not a loser, you are severely depressed. Forget about classes, forget about sports - take care of your depression. If you were bleeding heavily from a major wound, you wouldn’t be worrying primarily about washing the bloodstains out of your shirt, or about the fact that an ER visit would cause you to miss a movie, would you?
Go. To. Counseling. Now.
Agree, you need to see a counselor TODAY. Don’t wait til next week; it’s Friday so you need to go now. Skip the sports practice - let coach know you aren’t feeling well (no need to be specific).
You are at Harvard and playing a sport - you are not a loser! You will see, many of the “cool kids” from HS will not do much with their lives. Everything changes once you become adults and “the geeks rule the world” (there’s a book with a similar name).
I had a friend who was a lot like you in HS/college. She was valedictorian and went to an Ivy. She didn’t feel like she had strong social skills. But she did start making friends at the Ivy - finding her people - it takes time. You are only 4-6 weeks in now. Give it time and take care of yourself! Drop the sport if you need to. See the counselor regularly. My friend is a successful adult working in a field she loves. She married late to a super nice guy.
Please just walk over to the counseling center. They are familiar with this - you are not alone - others feel this way too. They know how to help you.
I have spent plenty of time alone determining how I am a loser. I can assure you I’ve pinpointed exactly what makes me a loser, and it’s not just me being hard on myself. I thought getting into Harvard would mean I’m not a loser but I was horribly wrong. Social interaction is the basis for a successful life, and I’m a complete failure at it. It’s not a matter of being “shy” or “socially awkward.” My inability to fit in isn’t the cute Hollywood portrayal of a quirk that I can just overcome by being more outgoing. Some people are losers and some are winners, and I’m in the former group. I can already envision myself making a fool out of myself trying to talk to a counselor. All it would do is remind me that there’s no hope. If you liken my condition to a disease, then it’s hereditary terminal cancer. It’s a genetic damnation with no cure that comes from inside and will stay with me to the end. What difference does it make if I go to the doctor? It’s the same outcome regardless of diagnosis.
What was your intention when you posted here? Assuming this post is legitimate, it sure seems to me that you’re looking for some kind of feedback or advice. Please help me out here by telling me what you are looking for.
Meanwhile, here’s some feedback. If you indeed are at Harvard, then you are intelligent enough to know that people don’t inherit “loser” genetics. You didn’t get into Harvard by portraying yourself as a loser, that’s certain.
Tell us, what got you in? Maybe we can go back to the beginning, before you became certain that you are a loser. Notice that no one else agrees with your self-assessment.
I don’t know why I decided to post on here. I think I just wanted to put my thoughts out there anonymously without the fear of what people would think about me. I got into Harvard because of athletics; I’m not special. You’re right, when I talked to the interviewer I put on my pretend mask.
Of course no one is going to agree with my self-assesment: that would be mean-spirited. If you knew me you’d agree silently.
Worthless- the world is filled with talented and accomplished and acclaimed people whose achievements mean nothing to them because they think they are losers and unworthy.
You don’t need to be one of them. You DO need to get professional help- now.
And I don’t know your family situation, but I’m willing to be there are family members of your mom’s who miss her just as much as you do. And if you pick up the phone to one of them (one of her siblings? a cousin? a grandparent?) to say “I’m missing mom today and feeling blue” they will be thrilled to hear your voice.
Condolences to you. Grief is a tough bear to wrestle alone.
I don’t think you sound like a loser. I think you sound like a winner who is facing some challenges. And needs some outside help to survive those challenges.
Would you sit on an airplane that was losing oxygen and refuse to put on your oxygen mask? No. You would reach out your hand and grab the mask. So do that- reach out your hand and grab the mask. Walk over to the counseling center- NOW.
I’d like to get to know you. Let me judge for myself if you are worthless. You don’t have enough posts to pm people, so I will Pm you.
There are plenty of good athletes. Not all of them have what it takes to do well at Harvard. So you must be very good at your sport as well as being an excellent student. Why did you wear a mask at the interview? I didn’t know athletes had to interview. Did you do an OV ? Were there other schools that were interested in you?
I did do an OV. There were other colleges interested. The thing is it’s not a cool mainstream sport like football or basketball. It’s really not that interesting. I wore a mask because I knew if I shared these sentiments they likely wouldn’t let me in. They don’t want head cases.
Personally, I think football and basketball are super boring and not cool at all. Virtually all other sports are more interesting IMO.
When did you decide you are a headcase? FWIW, I know a kid at Harvard who is very ordinary and I still can’t believe he got in. He doesn’t even play a sport.
Everyone has something to contribute. It’s not your Harvard-ness that convinces me of this. It’s your existence on this planet.
You say you are a “worthless loser.” I say you are a late bloomer, socially. A little fertilizer–in the form of getting some help–and you WILL bloom! But YOU have to believe that.
I don’t know what behaviors of yours have you convinced that we wouldn’t like you if we met you, but even people whose natural behavior falls way outside society’s norms can usually find some compatible souls…as long as they don’t give up on themselves.
I’ve taught a student who was selectively mute, which is obviously a social challenge. She developed friends. (And apparently she and one of those friends CLEANED UP at the campus Casino Night! I practically cackled when I learned this. Those quiet ones can fool you!)
I’ve taught several students on the autism spectrum, some of whom exhibit behaviors that can get judged. They nonetheless developed friends.
I know this genius of a guy who was homeschooled and had a very limited social circle outside his family. He had never been on a date. He is now dating my daughter and is The Best Boyfriend, and has developed a nice social circle at college too. I’m so happy for him.
POSITIVE SELF-TALK is important.
Working on MENTAL HEALTH is important.
Putting yourself out there is important. You don’t have to go to big bashes…but go to a club meeting or two. Give yourself opportunities to connect.
PRIORITIZE YOURSELF. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
@WorthlessLoser
How was your day? Did sports practice go well or sucked?
You write well and you obviously can “act” (good “mask-wearer”). And I bet you have a lot more worthy qualities that people around you can tell and know. Social awkwardness is really pretty common, and if you think you are delayed in that area, time will heal it, you will catch up. For now, keep “acting”. And if you don’t think talking to a real person will help, keep talking anonymously here with us. We won’t judge you. Give us some examples that you think you are not dealing well socially, maybe some of us have gone through the exact same things and could tell you a trick or two.
Take care of yourself.
If you believe genetics, you have to agree that it is a mighty triumph against all odds to be born and alive today. Don’t give it up on yourself. You have many many tomorrows.
It’s fine you posted, we are happy to help! We have a lot of wisdom to share! Believe me you are not alone…many people feel socially awkward, some a little, some a lot.
Just be nice to yourself, and please do talk to a counselor.
Also please feel free to PM me.
Part of the problem with being depressed is that you can’t imagine that you could ever feel differently. Part of the problem with being young is that you haven’t yet seen how much things can change for the better over time. Depression makes you think that you’re worthless; it makes you think you can’t be with others because you can’t contribute anything positive. Unfortunately this means that depression feeds on itself: it isolates you, and the more isolated you become, the worse it gets.
Lots of people are giving you the same advice: go get counseling. I’m sure plenty of those posting here have been through a version of what you’re going through and have come out the other side. What you have tried to do to help yourself hasn’t worked; why not try following the advice here?
I agree with everyone else that you are NOT a loser. Please don’t label yourself as such. What you are describing are classic symptoms of depression. There are several different types of treatments available for it.
“Social interaction is NOT the basis for a successful life”.
There are so many successful people who are loners. Please don’t beat yourself up for this.
Like other posters have said, I strongly recommend you see a mental health counselor.
Here are some other suggestions that I have that I think might help improve your mental health (keeping in mind that you should try these suggestions IN ADDITION to seeing a mental health counselor, not as a replacement for seeing a mental health counselor):
Also, here are some comments that might help you feel better about not having any good friends in college yet: